posted on Aug, 24 2020 @ 06:58 AM
Hello fellow ats members. I haven’t logged in here In a long time it seems and I have some problems in life beginning to get out of hand. I was just
maybe hoping to share my story so far during g this lockdown and how it has effected me in ways I never thought it would.
This post isn’t searching for any sympathy as I know I’ve caused all of my problems and mistakes. Maybe I’m looking for a little advice if
anyone has had similar experiences and came out the other side in one piece tho.
I’ll start by saying for the past 3 years I’ve been living in a home me and my brother bought together. Me and my bro get along like best friends
and that hasn’t changed. A large problem From the beginning is we agreed to let my mother live with us untill she could get her own place since she
needed the help, fast forward to around December of this year and me and my brother have lost any hope of her being independent ever again. She lost
her social security because of some sort of sneaky stuff she was doing a while ago that I’m not 100% aware of still, she actually gave up her
section 8 housing with some excuse but I’ve heard her talk on the phone to her one friend saying she couldn’t bare living alone. Her health has
gone completely out the window with copd from cigarettes smoking. She quit that but now has begun spending any penny she gets on marijuana Wich she
obsessed over constantly to the point of pure insanity. This is all up to December.
Now In early January I came home from work one day and just happend to want another coffee so I could get some work on the house done. As I do this
I find her on the floor convulsing and having hard time breathing, she could talk but it was all mumbling to I called the ambulance thinking she
overdosed of something. The police were no help when they arrived assuming she took her prescribed meds and was having a bad reaction but since she
was awake and denying having had taken anything abnormal by then they couldn’t take her in. My father on the phone had the idea to have the medics
check her o2 levels. They did this and it was somewhere around 70% Wich I’m told is basically near death. I think it was covid before anyone knew
since everyone in my house was really sick too around that time but with her copd she’s lucky I found her when I did.
Ever since then this seems to have effected my life severely in cascading waves of depression anxiety and in conclusion in the last few months heavy
alcohol abuse up to a couple days ago. Let me explain. My mother was put in the hospital for 3 days and complained the whole time to me for thinking
this was a overdose Wich to me it looked like. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. Then when she came home she seems to have exelerated In her
neurotic, depressive, sociopathic behaviors while letting her health go while at the same time seeming to have changed her attention from acting like
my mother to acting like a rouge teenager And a frail old woman at the same time where I’m the parentAnd caretaker trying to control my home
situation with her and live some sort of normal life.
Here comes the lockdown, covid-19.
This has had us all locked up together and I know by no means my situation is the worst but it has gotten me to a point in my life I never thought
I’d be in. At first having to be around my mother all hours of every day the first month or two was annoying. But seeing her behavior during this
time go from bad to completely uncontrollable while at the same time she seems to need more constant interaction with me, and my brother for that
matter has become absolutely maddening. I’ve lashed out in huge bouts of anger And rage that when I look back is scary. Around April I began more
and more drinking alcohol at night some weekdays just to get some rest from the stress, but weekend drinking plus the addition of risky weekday
drinking led up to almost daily blackout sessions. My health seems ok still but this I know is in my hands to change or just let go to #.
This past weekend I think I made the biggest mistake of my life while blackout drunk and I almost know I’m screwed. We were at a friends house and
playing trailer park boys monopoly after a long day of drinking. Pretty heavy drinking, Next thing I know is I’m driving back to his house with his
girlfriend not knowing what happened or where we went but when we arrived needless to say everyone thought the inevitable and I’m starting to
basically come to grips with what I did if so and I don’t think I can live with myself. He’s one of my best friends For 15+ years and I don’t
know how I could have fooled around with her but if I did I don’t know if I can live up to it.
I feel like the past 6 months have just flashed by and left me a complete waste of who I’be been. I always been the reliable friend who seems like
anyone could ask me anything and expect some sort of reasonable brotherly advice but I feel like after these few months of what seems like a long term
mental breakdown on my part has left me with horrible consequences.
I’m only 3 days sober as of now and it seems as though me and his girlfriend talked our way out of it Somehow but I know you can’t get away with
something like that and it’s really killing me inside. I just want to move away from this life get sober and somehow change things around but it
seems like I’d be running from so many problems and creating new ones leaving my mother basically homeless and forcing my brother to sell with me
and selling wouldn’t make sense for him at all. He hasn’t had the problem I’ve been having and I’ve been keeping my daily drinking as hidden
as I could untill lately.
I’ve tried talking to him and friends about it but they look at me like “just stop you idiot” and that’s exactly what I would have said a
year ago. I know this is a long and possibly hard to follow story but this is my covid-19 story so far. I’m at the beginning of trying to fix the
mess I’ve made but I don’t know if it’s possible.
For years I’ve had dreams that I murdered and stuffed a body in a drawer of my childhood dining room. The feeling of dread waking up always went
away but now I have that exact same feeling in real life and it’s hard to describe this feeling.
I will try to live a better life but this is a long bumpy road I’m starting on. I hope everyone here the best and hope you get threw this lockdown
in one piece