Ze Dirty People +++ MUL2020+++writer

"Welcome back, this is your host Timothy Broderik, you're listening to 'let's talk' on 97.6FM Radio Freedom. In the aftermath of recent events we want to talk about what you do to stay sane in this crazy year of 2020. Our first caller is from Minneapolis Dorty Miller, hello Dorty."

some crackling sonds, a very high pitched voice: "It's Dörte Müller. Döööööööö-dö-dö-dörte Müüüüüüüüü-mü-mü-müller."

Timothy: "Oh sorry, did I say that wrong? Dirty Muller?"

Dörte: "No, no, no DÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖRTE MÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜLLER! You say it almost like an 'o' but you put your lips out really far and it's a sound like a moped Dööööööö-rte."

Timothy tries really hard: "Okay Dirty, what do you do to stay sane?"

Dörte: "DÖ! Well it's been really hard for me because I'm very active in many different groups, who center around any and all social issues and of course ze environment, all of our meetings have been cancelled. Now I don't really know what to do. I feel like I'm just wasting away. But I think now I found ze answer and want to share that with all ze people."

Timothy: "TH-th-th-the people."

Dörte: "That's what I said, ze people."

Timothy: "Alright, Dirty, tell us what that is."

Dörte a deep breathe, again some crackling sounds: "Well I believe, all people want to be good, right? So I figured, maybe they just don't know how to be good, you know? So I made my own homepage and all, you can find it on ze facebook too, right? And.......a little pause, a dog barks...
That stupid animal! And... it's called 'pasta salad' if your listeners want to check it out. It's basically a guide on how to behave, so you're not a burden for ze society."

Timothy: "That sounds interesting! Can you tell us a little about what we would find on your 'pasta salad'?"

Dörte: "Sure. Well for one, being gender inclusive is very important to me, so I made a little section called 'ze perils of intercourse' where I tell men, how they can avoid feeling ze urge to objectify ze persons they want to get intimate with. Like it doesn't matter who or what you find attractive, being inclusive means you have to be ready to give love to ze people who need it ze most and not what you want matters, but ze needs of society."

Timothy confused: "But you single out men? Wouldn't this also apply to everybody else? Like lesbians, or cis-women who deny to 'give love' to men."

Dörte: "No, because you see, we want to establish new rules to build a better world. And what you say sounds like you are a hippy. Are you a hippy?"

Timothy: "Well no, I just meant..."

Dörte: "Good because ze hippies are what brought us into this mess, with their fight for free speech and all that. If you look at this world it's obvious, we need more rules and not more freedom, right?"
dog barks again. Dörte yells:: "Like someone needs to shut that filthy dog down!"

Timothy: "You're against free speech?"

Dörte apparently struggles to regain her focus: "Well that depends, right? There are people who need to be heard and people who need to listen. If the listeners talk and the speakers listen that would get us nowhere, right? Or well...crackling sounds again... it brought us where we are today, everybody is violent, selfish and that's what makes society so disfunctional, you know."

Timothy: "Okay, Dirty, thank you for your opinion. There seems to be something wrong with your phone, we keep hearing those weird noises and..."

Dörte: "Don't worry about it, it's fine, it's what he deserves."

Timothy: "Okay, well other callers are waiting in the line, Dirty..."

Dörte: "Dö-DÖ-DÖÖÖÖÖÖ!" crackling sounds again, a muffled scream "One more thing, because it's important: never...crackling ... refuse my...crackling, a scream... pasta salad!"

Timothy: "That was interesting, we better send the police over to check out what was going on there."

Voice from the off: "There's no more police."


The End

a reply to: Peeple

"Pasta la vista, baby",

BLAM

thud.

(crowd of Caucasian people with buck teeth, red baseball caps, worn backwards, applaud lightly to poor audio quality 'laugh' track).

a reply to: chr0naut

I had so much fun with this. Glad if at least one other person liked it too.

a reply to: Peeple

I liked it a lot.

Knowing your penchant for names, I looked up Dörte. I got 'gift of god.' Adds a layer.

Good read, thanks

a reply to: KilgoreTrout

No, in this case it's a reference to this song

where he sings about a German left winger and other funny things "Dörte! You're the exit from the fun society! If I look at you... I look at you and know the way."

And it works phonetically really nice with "dirty".

a reply to: Peeple

Now I know where that rumor started!

I was watching TV a few nights ago and my landlord comes downstairs all upset. "This is really getting crazy!!!! Pretty soon it's going to be a crime for a white guy to refuse to date a black woman!!!"

And I'm like "What? That's crazy. What the heck are you reading on your phone?"

I didn't get any sort of intelligible answer. Now I know.

a reply to: pthena

How would he have gotten that from my story? It's about those dirty, horny Germans.

a reply to: Peeple

I was kind of joking about blaming your story.

but:

1) internet data scraper sees "German left winger" translates to "left winger"
2) Troll farm story generator cranks out a hit piece: LEFT PLANS FOR MEN TO HAVE NO CHOICE IN SEXUAL RELATIONS
3) It gets tweeted.
4) retweet bots generate farwide dissemination of "news"
5) one of the retweets hits his associate's Facebook page
6) the debate/argument begins

or something like that.



ETA

I just noticed that the word NO was inadvertently missing from item 2)
rendering the headline completely opposite, therefore completely out of sync with the narrative.

The NO have been placed in. Sorry for the confusion.

a reply to: Peeple

I think Dirty ought to become a recurring character in your stories from now on