Isolation and Suicide

Where to start with this piece but in a place of utter emptiness, in a prone position, in a rejection of hope? I think this is the place which led to our cousin’s (on my husband’s side) last action, when at some point still unknown to us within the past few days he ended his own life, and this is a portion of what I’m feeling at the moment (can’t even try to imagine how his dad and sister feel).

It’s still so raw that it almost feels possible to go back (only been a few days, my God, this time last week and everything was different!) and in the very least give our family a chance to go see him, damn the isolation and give him a big hug, give him an opportunity to lift my youngest in the air like he used to do (or try, my son is big now), tell him how much we love him, how important he is to us, how the whole family has fallen apart to a degree since he’s pulled himself further and further into isolation.

Our cousin was only 32. He had a wide, chiseled and handsome face, a bright smile, and he always used to take good care of himself physically--he was in good shape, graduated nursing school several years back, and was the image of health. He loved our kids plainly. He’d hardly ever come by without something special for the kids, took quality portraits of them and boasted about them online. Of course, outer health does not always signify the whole picture and inside our cousin harbored painful trauma (could it all really stem from one abusive action of his mother’s when he was an infant? My rational side wants to say of course not, but truly all of his pain may come down to that one horrible root), a growing dependence on alcohol and pills, and a deep wish to end the pain once and for all. He gave us ample notice and time to try to get him the help he needed, and we all probably did to the best we could considering what we knew and our ability. Or maybe not. Either way, it is too late now.

Horribly, whatever pain led our cousin to take his life did not end with that act, but has now been diffused in varying levels among his surviving relatives. It’s all so, so sad. I’m not certain there’s any catharsis to be found but I did think that by sharing this I may reach someone who needs to hear it, who has someone they’ve been meaning to reach out to who needs to feel a bit less isolated now, or someone who is in such a bleak place that they need to be reminded that they are loved and worthy, and that there are always other options.

I hope whoever needs to read this finds it.

I am so sorry zosimov..
He sounds like a wonderful human who had a lot of love to give. So many of us go through those periods of darkness and despair..
I can't find any other words.. Just know I am thinking of you and your family. [hugs]

We really never know anyone. No matter how close we think we are we really don't. So there is that and guessing why is not going to lead to answers. There are even People who have taken their own life as a good thing, because they either were secretly or wanted to hurt others in some way and they did the best they could by stopping themselves.

It is those left behind that need the sympathy he is not hurting any more.
Death is around the corner for all of us and time means nothing to those who are gone, so concentrate of those still here I would say.

I have been in your shoes and I feel for you.

a reply to: Starcrossd

Thank you! I'm really touched to read this, and the hug hit the spot.
Thanks so much for reading and for reaching out.

originally posted by: SeaWorthy

he is not hurting any more.
Death is around the corner for all of us and time means nothing to those who are gone, so concentrate of those still here I would say.

This is so true, and a good reminder for many of us, I'd think. Thanks for your comments, SeaWorthy. I will need to console those hurting way more than I, and this advice will help.

a reply to: zosimov

Sorry for your loss, my deepest sympathies from someone in a similar situation.

A very good friend of mine hung herself following an evening video skyping with family back in the UK. I am in SW France.

She was depressed at the lack of contact beyond messages, whatsap, facebook and the forced impersonal connections that left her wanting and needy, she was very used to personal connection and obviously had relied on it being an expat in a foreign country. She had closed her business selling British cheese to locals and that night on Skype had been drinking TOO MUCH.

We miss her, and for me, she was one of the first smiling faces I met when I moved from another area to here. We played darts in the local team and the social scene was great. She is now first on my mind when I throw a dart.

I was due to telephone her and her husband on the sunday night and missed her by a couple of days. I don't kick myself too much but believe my ability to find a positive in any negative could have helped her see things in a brighter light.

All I am left thinking is use a normal telephone as often as possible instead of online messaging or mobile phones, it avoids the natural "lag" in digital communication and the one line texting and responding and keeps things from being ANALOGUE.

WE are Analogue beings being dragged into a future that will destroy our spirits.

A moment of depression should not be seen as where a life has led to, but a moment to be considered, weathered, and overriden with time and patience.

Good luck to all. Pick up that telephone, put down that mobile. Have a proper two way conversation in real time.

It may be your last chance to do so.

Peace.

a reply to: zosimov

That is extremely sad, and I feel for you and his/your family.

I hope he finds peace now and that he can learn as well, what a gift life is. Not as a vindictive statement whatsoever, but that I hope we all evolve and learn.

a reply to: nerbot

Thank you for the really meaningful comment, and I am very sorry for the loss of your friend and how that impacted you.

I totally agree with you about the importance of human contact, and real connection (often via phone in the very least).

Peace to you as well, I truly hope you find peace in your situation, and am glad to hear you keep well in touch with your loved ones.

All of these comments are truly appreciated. Thanks again.

Very sorry for your loss and the ripples that have spread through your family. Beautiful memories, that's how he lives on. Such a sad story, such restoration. Don't question yourself. I had an e-friend attempt last week, he ultimately went to an inpatient hospital and is recovering. I also lost a girlfriend to suicide. It's so upsetting but they made their choice. This isn't about me...I think reaching out to our people suffering from mental health issues like you suggest is a terrific idea. Big love to you and your family...

a reply to: chris_stibrany

Your statement doesn't sound vindictive to me in the least, but rather full of a wonderful kind of hope. And in my deepest belief, I hold a lot of space that life continues on in bigger and better realms, and that we do get a chance to learn from our experiences here.

Thank you.

a reply to: zosimov


One hopes!
It is all in the opportunities we are given and if we take advantage of them.
I have thought of suicide on occasion, I think any rational being has, and what got me through was missing experiences and learning new things.

originally posted by: kinglizard
Very sorry for your loss and the ripples that have spread through your family. Beautiful memories, that's how he lives on. Such a sad story, such restoration. Don't question yourself. I had an e-friend attempt last week, he ultimately went to an inpatient hospital and is recovering. I also lost a girlfriend to suicide. It's so upsetting but they made their choice. This isn't about me...I think reaching out to our people suffering from mental health issues like you suggest is a terrific idea. Big love to you and your family...

I also did not want to make any of this about me, but also think that the more we share our experiences, the better we may be to cope when it comes our way. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

a reply to: zosimov

I feel your cousin completely, I don’t know what I’m waiting for

a reply to: tayton

I'm sorry I don't know what to do with this comment. My family and I are in grief and I'm in no shape to field ideas such as these. I hope you can talk to the right people and get help if that's what you want.

I'm heart sorry to read about this.

Such a feeling of 'if only....' that comes with this type of passing.
The ones left behind suffer for many years. Almost defies words to explain the grief that siblings, parents, children, cousins and friends feel when that person chooses to end their life. Their last choice becomes a life sentence of grief for everyone else.

Close your eyes, and imagine my Quarantine induced cuddly girth giving you a mama hug, that lasts for over a minute.

Much love zazz.

a reply to: zazzafrazz

Awww zazz,
I felt the warmth of that hug from here. Thank you so much for sending your love and kind words, and much love and a cuddly (with a little extra quarantine padding here too) right back to you.

a reply to: zosimov

He gave us ample notice and time to try to get him the help he needed, and we all probably did to the best we could considering what we knew and our ability. Or maybe not. Either way, it is too late now.

I do not want to reduce my answer to this snipped only, but it stuck out. That does not sound like no help was coming, so do not blame yourself for it. Whatever made him come to his decision, was his personal line of thinking and choice. No amount of help would be sufficient if he did not want to be helped.

We say here, "one is always smarter in the aftermath, looking back at things". Not writing it to express that you all did something wrong, but rather: Do not blame yourself for any of this. This was a situation one could hardly do anything right. Without experience about a situation, there is only so much you can do.

That all may sound morbid for your situation. I think no one wants to collect experience with your topic, but I hope I could get the core of my message over to you:

A situation nobody can be prepared for.

a reply to: zosimov

Hindsight can be cruel. I'm sorry for your loss Zosimov, truly.

We're all sharing in the stress of isolation and our means of escapism are being eroded away. It's not something anyone should take lightly. It's easy to drink heavy, easier to act out and be overwhelmed by our troubles... It's harder to detect the dispair in our loved ones.

We can all get these feelings, these urges. In times like this some might think there's no hope in reaching out, maybe that nobody will reach back. Maybe they're undeserving. Silence those negative thoughts and reach out. Loneliness is a state of mind and sharing no matter how little it is can be highly therapeutic.

I've been there... I'm witnessing loved ones nearing there too. Like that Queen song sometimes we've got to make that final Breakthru, if you are struggling please don't do it alone. There's love out here, you're not alone.

I hope he finds peace, I hope his loved ones do, I hope you do too Zosimov. All the best.

a reply to: Shibari

I'm touched by all the kindness and wisdom from my fellows. Thank you for adding your thoughtful comment; I will take your words to heart and share the sentiment with family/friends if they need to hear it as well.

originally posted by: RAY1990
a reply to: zosimov

I hope he finds peace, I hope his loved ones do, I hope you do too Zosimov. All the best.

This was lovely to read.
Hi Ray, it's always nice to see your posts. Thanks for adding your insight and for the well wishes. Hoping for all the best for you as well, my friend.