The Three Idiots Go To Hell [DE-2020]

It was bound to happen, just not as soon as any of them expected. The all knew they would end up in the bad place but were counting on years of lecherous and debauched living before they had to pay their immortal dues and suffer the consequences of one too many misanthropic escapades. If it weren’t for them being to cheap to fix the broken suspension in their white, windowless and totally not creepy van that hard turn off the Strip to the Bellagio would not have resulted in plowing head on into one of the decorative columns, killing them all instantly. The world didn’t mourn.

“I didn’t feel a thing,” said Heels, “it was like I was in one really hot place and now I’m in another.”

A malevolent reddish-orange glow permeated what appeared to be a nitre-streaked tunnel they now occupied. But on closer inspection what looked like twisted faces quietly mouthed their anguish from the living rock.

“Well,” prompted Slender, “we can’t go that way,” indicating the wall behind them. “Looks like we have to go forward.”

“I’m hangry!” Cried Heels.

“Seriously? You just died and the first thing you think of is food?” Said Creeper in disgust.

“We need to keep our energy up,” replied Heels, “we may be here for a while.”

Making their way through the tunnel the trio of misfits came to a large cave. Menacing stalagmites loomed above them while the source of the orange glow was revealed, a bubbling lake of fire. Standing before it was a vast, horned, winged, man-faced creature.

“Hey,” yelled Slender, “how do we get out of here?”

“I don’t think it heard you,” answered Creeper.

“I’ll go ask him again,” said Heels and started to approach the being, it’s sinister eyes glowering at him with rage.

“FOOLS!” bellowed the beast, it’s voice reverberating in the chamber, “You dare address Geryon, Keeper of the Gates of Hell, so cavalierly?”

“Oof,” said Slender, waving his hands in front of his face, “he has worse breath than you, fat man.” Which elicited a giggle from Creeper.

“Look,” replied Heels, “we weren’t ready to come yet so we just want to get out of here as quickly as possible.”

This provoked a cave-shuddering laugh from Geryon who then mocked, “You ‘just want to get out’? As ‘quickly as possible’?”

“Yeah.” Came the reply from all three in unison.

Just as Geryon was about to reply another figure entered the cavern. It was a creature with a goat like head, wings like an owl and breasts like that of a woman.

Creeper s'n-word'ed and said under his breath, “He’s got bigger boobs than Heels.”

“Baal,” said Geryon with some surprise to the de facto number two of the realm, “what are you doing here.”

“Well, Geryon, old friend, you-know-who has been expecting these three for some time and wanted me to personally handle the intake.”

“Oh, I had no idea they were priority intakes.” Replied Geryon.

“Yeah, these three have wreaked more havoc than Asmodeus, Beelzebub and Azazael put together. The Boss wanted me to take care of this directly.”
“Take care of what?” Queried Slender.

“Hmph,” grunted Baal in reply. “You, large man,” he continued, “are you hungry?”

“Am I hungry?” Came the astonished reply, “You’re damn right.”

Baal motioned behind them and when they turned, they noticed a table that was not previously there but had now been laid out with all types of fare. “Try the ones on the far right,” said Baal, “something we whipped up just recently.”

Heels obliged and took a breaded and fried lump of meat on a stick that appeared to have wings. He unhesitatingly took a bite and asked what the tender morsel was while smacking his lips.

“Batsicle,” came Baal’s reply, “our resident chef and gourmand, Mammon, whipped these up for Wuhan over the summer. People went bonkers for them.”

Just then a phone rang, the ring tone playing Nikki Minaj’s Anaconda. Geryon reached into his belt and extracted a Motorola flip phone.

“Dude,” exclaimed Creeper, “ever hear of an iPhone.”

“Of course we have, moron.” Came Geryon’s reply, “But this is Hell and these things suck, which is the reason we get them. We can’t even post to our official Twitter account with them,” came the further reply as he flipped the device open, “Yellow?” His face grimaced when he heard the voice.

“It’s you-know-who,” he mouthed to Baal, while nodding and handing the phone to his companion.

“Yes, my Master,” Baal said humbly. There were a few moments as Baal stood there, nodding his head and then looked incredulous. “You’re not serious, are you?”

There came a long string of expletives of the most vulgar and horrific type blasting from the phone’s tiny speaker but load enough that even the three new additions heard them. Oddly enough the voice had a distinct Australian accent. Baal stood their nodding his head vigorously and repeating over and over his acquiescence and obedience. When the voice stopped he snapped the phone closed and tossed it to Geryon.

“Well,” he said a bit dejectedly, “looks like the Boss wants us to send these three cretins back where they can do so more damage.”

“Wait, what?” Said Geryon confusedly.

“Looks like the friggin virus we unleashed isn’t doing what we want and starting World War III. Instead people are helping each other and perpetrating selfless acts of kindness and good will. Or, exactly NOT what the Boss wanted to happen, so it’s back up there for them to try to bring some chaos to the world.”

The Three Idiots looked at each other expectantly and with a little bit of surprise.

“So, what happens now?” Asked Slender.

“You get deputized and then given some mortal realm to wreak havoc over,” replied Baal. “Make it quick, pick a career path.” He implored.

“I want to be the bane of strip clubs everywhere!” Cried Slender.

“DONE!” Cried Baal, “Return, Slendebus, Demon of Women Named Tiffany and Sierra!” Causing Slender to rocket upwards in a noxious and sulfurous cloud.

“You!” said Geryon while pointing at Creeper.

“Uh, elementary schools?” He asked sleepily.

“DONE!” Cried Baal a second time, “Return, Creepoloch, Demon of Making Children Uncomfortable!” And he too vanished in a vaporous cloud.

“Well,” said Heels looking around and now munching on a pangolin pancake, “I guess that leaves me. I want to wreck every buffet on the planet!” He cried.

“DONE!” Cried Baal for the third time, “Return, Heelzebub, Demon of Selected Gluttony!” But Heels only lifted a few feet off the floor. Baal struggled and rose his claws higher causing Heels to marginally move up a few more feet. “I could use some help with this one, Geryon!” He grimaced to his companion who then lent his assistance to send the corpulent fledgling demon back to earth.



Back on the surface world three separate flashed appeared near the famous ‘Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas’ sign which was followed by the now reddish-auraed forms of three returned visitors.

“So, what’s different between now and before?” Asked Heelzebub with some consternation.

“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” cried Creepoloch, “I’m going to play kickball!” He cried and ran off in the direction of Louis Weiner Junior Elementary School, stubby bat wings flapping behind him.

“I suppose,” started Slendebus while placing a newly-taloned hand over his compatriot’s shoulder, “that it’s official now. We really aren’t nice people.”

“Yeah,” said Heelzebub wistfully while fidgeting with his barbed tail and then lowering her voice, “but we’ll never be as bad as Her,” while looking around to make sure he was not overheard.

“No,” replied his friend, “She’d eat the baby and the dingo and then ask for seconds.”

“You know now that you mentioned eating a dingo,” started Heelz, “I’m kinda…”

“…hungry,” interrupted Slendebus, “I know. Let’s hit the Spearmint Rhino, they have a killer buffet, we can make it a two’fer and do our jobs.”



The End? The Hell it is.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

When this becomes a movie, I'd like either Bobby DeNiro or Sandra Bullock to play Heels.

The Australian was scary.

I may not be able to sleep tonight.

If this ever became a movie...it would be even better than 'Thunder Thlughts 2'!

THREE THUMBS UP!

originally posted by: IAMTAT
If this ever became a movie...it would be even better than 'Thunder Thlughts 2'!

THREE THUMBS UP!

I don't know about better than, unless Ryan Reynolds made a cameo. . .

originally posted by: DBCowboy

originally posted by: IAMTAT
If this ever became a movie...it would be even better than 'Thunder Thlughts 2'!

THREE THUMBS UP!

I don't know about better than, unless Ryan Reynolds made a cameo. . .

I didn't know Ryan designed jewelry.
Man, he's multi-talented!

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: DBCowboy

originally posted by: IAMTAT
If this ever became a movie...it would be even better than 'Thunder Thlughts 2'!

THREE THUMBS UP!

I don't know about better than, unless Ryan Reynolds made a cameo. . .

I didn't know Ryan designed jewelry.
Man, he's multi-talented!

He sells it on Etsy, under the name, Betty White's stunt double.

Oh, I thought it was going to be:- Two friends die together, one goes to Heaven, one goes to Hell. After a couple of months the one in heaven is getting bored with being good all the while, so he decides to visit his friend in Hell.
When he gets down in Hell his friend is relaxed on a bed with a bottle of whisky in one hand and a young, blonde, naked woman in the other.
His mate said "what are you doing down here"? His friend says "I was bored in Heaven so decided to come and visit you and by the looks of it you've got the better deal".
So the friend in Hell says "do you want a drink" and hands him the bottle of whisky. The man from Heaven goes to take a drink and says "heh, there's no hole in this bottle". To which his friend replies "there's no holes in this woman, that's the Hell in the place".

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Stalagmites rise from the floor, stalagtites hang from the ceiling. Trifling distinction, or is this the author's way of saying that, in hell, things are "upside-down"?

OR. Three millionaires and their daughters get killed in a plane crash and go towards Heaven. When they get to the pearly gates St Peter is waiting for them. The first millionaire goes forward with his daughter and St Peter says "sorry you can't come in because you devoted your life to drink, you even named your daughter Sherry". The pair go slinking off.
The second millionaire with his daughter goes to the gate and St Peter says " sorry I can't let you in because you devoted your life to monay, you even named your daughter Penny". So they slunk off.
The third millionaire looks at St Peter and says "come on Fanny we're not stopping here to be insulted".

I laughed, I cried, I washed my eyes with hand sanitizer and wiped ATS down with the remaining TP.

Well done. Really, really well done. No pink center, steak sauce.

I'm just spitballing here but I'm visualizing the whole thing and imagining a soundtrack. I'm thinking "something moody and atmospheric" for the narrator bits, like Vangelis. Maybe drop the soundtrack entirely when the three stooges are talking amongst themselves, and use a laugh track or crickets. I'd cast Rob Zombie as Geryon and Marilyn Manson as Baal because his tits are bigger.

Maybe roll the credits to "Old Town Road" to hit up most of the target demographic and follow the whole thing up with a PSA about spreading venereal disease with raw hamburger.

Who were you guys thinking should play Creeper, Heels, and Slender? I like Sandra Bullock as Heels for sure but Creeper and Slender are a tougher cast. Maybe cast Reynolds as Creeper because we know he can do that *edge* and Jared Leto as Slender? He's super method.

What do you think about Robert Downey Jr. as "the Australian?"

Sounds a bit like "The Screwtape Letters", by C.S. Lewis

originally posted by: 0zzymand0s
What do you think about Robert Downey Jr. as "the Australian?"

No. Whoopie Goldberg would have to play Zazzafrazz.

Ohhhhhh...sshhhiiiiiit!...I just said her name out loud, didn't I?

Ok....
I will ask.
Who is the "She".
Or did I miss something?
Good job!

originally posted by: DBCowboy
When this becomes a movie, I'd like either Bobby DeNiro or Sandra Bullock to play Heels.

Heelz.

The Australian was scary.

You could even say she was devilish.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
If this ever became a movie...it would be even better than 'Thunder Thlughts 2'!

THREE THUMBS UP!

Funny thing is Slendebus has three thumbs.

They aren't all his but he has them.

originally posted by: crayzeed
Oh, I thought it was going to be:- Two friends die together, one goes to Heaven, one goes to Hell. After a couple of months the one in heaven is getting bored with being good all the while, so he decides to visit his friend in Hell.
When he gets down in Hell his friend is relaxed on a bed with a bottle of whisky in one hand and a young, blonde, naked woman in the other.
His mate said "what are you doing down here"? His friend says "I was bored in Heaven so decided to come and visit you and by the looks of it you've got the better deal".
So the friend in Hell says "do you want a drink" and hands him the bottle of whisky. The man from Heaven goes to take a drink and says "heh, there's no hole in this bottle". To which his friend replies "there's no holes in this woman, that's the Hell in the place".

That could be a good story, unlike this one.

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
Stalagmites rise from the floor, stalagtites hang from the ceiling. Trifling distinction, or is this the author's way of saying that, in hell, things are "upside-down"?

Sort of. Or I just got lazy.

originally posted by: FauxMulder
I laughed, I cried, I washed my eyes with hand sanitizer and wiped ATS down with the remaining TP.

Were you touched?


By the story that is.