I would like to know your thoughts

Ive been married for six years and i have young children. Ive been very blessed with my life and i love my family very much. Just like any relationship, its hasnt always been smooth sailing, but my wife and i work very well with each other, trying to uplift and support each other in new ways, and we try to be adaptable for the long run.

Now ive been away from my family for six months, due to work. My work can be very time consuming and the time differences makes regular chats difficult, but we do talk quite regularly if not everyday.

At work, i had a promotion a few months ago, and had recent changes in bosses, so things have been stressful to say the least. I made a few friends from work, and at first they were my outlets for my frustrations, but when i got promoted, i became their boss. So ive ended up distancing myself from most of them, except for one.

Her and i hit off our friendship almost instantly well. At first we would only hang out in groups, but as plans would fall through, we ended up doing some things just the two of us. We work together, and shes a very hard worker and a very good person. She has the kind of personality that its hard not to like her. We even started going to church together, but people who knew i was married started judging us. My wife became jealous. Even people at work started circulating rumors that we were sleeping together. But at no point did we ever do anything like that.

She was my friend, and it didnt feel right to be ashamed of our friendship. I cared about her, just like i would with any of my friends. We shared personal experiences with each other, and whenever i needed a little help, i could rely on her, and vice versa. When being away from home got difficult, we would distract each other, make each other laugh, or just mutually feel sorry for ourselves as we complained about things at work and in life.

We got into an argument about some rumors, and we didnt talk for a bit. Thats when i realized that i might care about her more than i should. I know its not right, but i found myself thinking about her often, and it didnt help that we worked together. I tried to avoid her, but whenever id run in to her id lose track of what i was doing. To be honest, I felt miserable, and other stressful incidents at work didnt help either. Multiple people asked if i was okay. Honestly, i wasnt.

After a couple of weeks, we began talking again, and we resumed hanging out. We saw each other almost everyday after that, and it almost seemed like we became closer. And on top of this, my wife got over her jealousy, and even felt things were great between us. It seemed like i hit a good balance.

And then covid19 changed everything. The crap was hitting the fan, and quickly the situation slipped out of control. Many people got quarantined, including several of my bosses, and my friend. I found myself trying to make up for the lost man power, and also be there for people who didnt have family. I visited her everyday in quarantine, and i would bring her things, and she should sit at her window, desperate for human interaction. At work i was picking up shifts that could no longer be covered, because most of my workers were considered nonessential.

And then she was finally free from quarantine, it seemed like all she wanted to do was hang out, and so we did. A lot. But soon the area started going into lockdown, including several stores. Her birthday was coming up, and i was afraid she might not be able to even have a cake, so i went out and bought her one, because we had talked about her bday plans for almost six months, and i wasnt about to let her go without something. But i wanted to keep it a surprise.

And in those next few days she became withdrawn from me, and i didnt know why, so i gave her space. i tried to act like things were normal, but then i realized she was avoiding me for some reason. So when her bday actually rolled around, she started messaging me again. And when some of our friends threw a small party for her, she told me about it and invited me five minutes before she went. i didnt really feel like she wanted me to go, so i told her to have fun. I didnt even get to see her that whole day.

A couple of days pass and we didnt even message each other.

Finally she broke the silence and told me i come off too strong, and she feels like its wrong because im married.

So knowing the foolish man that i am, i crossed some line. I apologized, and i stopped talking to her. Ive had to see her a couple of times since then, but she doesnt even say a word to me. And i avoid her too. I saw her going out with another friend the other night, something her and i would do almost every other night, and i had to get up and walk away, because i cant help but think my friendship is just quickly replaceable like that. She doesnt act like herself when she is around me, and i cant be myself around her. She just seems like shes pissed. And i might come off that way as well, but im not, it just hurts to have to distance myself from somebody i care about. But we go back to work in a couple of days, and im not really looking forward to it, for multiple reasons.

Things are really good with my wife right now, and i love and miss my family, but at the same time i cant say that i feel happy.

I dont feel like i have anybody i can talk to about this, who wouldnt judge me. But i would like some third party opinions.

a reply to: HAZE3

Let it go and get on with your life and your wife.

And this is why I refuse to marry. Can't win for losing with women man.

a reply to: HAZE3

You did cross a line somewhere. I cannot tell you exactly where, and you may not even be able to pinpoint it. But be thankful you didn't cross thee line!

We're all human. We're all subject to human frailties and weaknesses. We're all just doing our best. Far more important than the mistakes we make are what we do about them when we realize our mistakes. That's where you need to focus now.

There's a reason we have to make vows when we wed. There would be no need for such promises if it were easy!

And you didn't ask, but I'll tell you anyway ( ), don't tell your wife. Even if she asks, because no good can come of it. I have told my husband that if he ever has an affair, he better damn well keep it to himself, pray that I never find out, and deal with his own damn guilt -- not burden me with it. If I find out elsewhere... well... that's where his prayers come in!

a reply to: mamabeth

Im definitely ready to move on, but the thing is im stuck closely working with this woman for another six months.

Cowboy up, brother.

You and I both know the right thing to do is stick with your wife, let the other chick go. Trust me man.

No judgement at all here, but Ive been there, and the grass, well, it aint ever greener over there.

a reply to: HAZE3

Get your wife into chicks. Problem solved.

a reply to: Maverick1

I totally agree. The choice was already made when i got married, and thats why we kind of started hanging out, because she wasnt interested in a relationship and neither was i. Ive only ever intended to be friends.

a reply to: HAZE3

Maybe you are on the spectrum, as am I.

People on the spectrum see the world differently, i get jealous when my friends talk to other friends rather than me, then I get anxious wondering 'why won't they talk to me? what did I do?' even though i did nothing wrong, I can't tell if people are laughing with me or at me. But the best indicator is if you have a great memory, i have trouble typing because could your mind works quicker than your fingers, that's a sign.

But the best pro is you learn very quickly, got gifted a drum set and can play it without having a single lesson-for no reason whatsoever I'm batman.

a reply to: HAZE3

Well, I'm not going to massage your feelings on this. The fact you distanced yourself from everybody at work except her says volumes. You wanted to be professional to your old friends after your promotion except to the one with a vagina. You had me up to the visiting every day in quarantine, hanging out every day after, and then a birthday surprise. Get your wife a surprise and knock it off.

This may seem harsh but it could literally save your marriage. Here is a list of things to do which you will ignore:

Find some male friends or somebody that doesn't share a mutual attraction to you.

Grow up. Grow a pair.

Never tell your wife about this terrible mistake that almost happened because you will just be breaking her heart to ease your own guilt.

If you're unable/unwilling to do the above at least be man enough to file for a divorce now and don't make it messy later. If you continue what you're doing you're going to cheat and it will ruin your life.

originally posted by: HAZE3
a reply to: Maverick1

I totally agree. The choice was already made when i got married, and thats why we kind of started hanging out, because she wasnt interested in a relationship and neither was i. Ive only ever intended to be friends.

And that is the way things start.....
Just about...
Every
Single
Time
Goth.

a reply to: HAZE3

So knowing the foolish man that i am, i crossed some line. I apologized, and i stopped talking to her. Ive had to see her a couple of times since then, but she doesnt even say a word to me.

You need to see it from her side. You have worked through your feelings, and your wife has worked through hers, so your relationship with your wife is solid. Now, your friend. If she has feelings for you that she feels cross the line, that she can't control, because you are a married man, perhaps that's why she's pulled away from you. Perhaps there isn't room for all 3 of you in her mind, even though there's room for 3 in your mind, and your wife's mind.

a reply to: HAZE3

Oddly, I met my wife the same way you did.
I was a Data Analyst for the Conservative Party, in Canada.
She worked for me.
However, I had just had my first Child with another woman, That I was dating.

I fell in love with my wife... The minute I saw her.
I knew being with her would bring extreme chaos to both our lives.
And it did for a long time.

On December 17th this year, we will be married for 10 years.
Together for 12.

I am sorry for you; I've been there and I know exactly how it is.
Except I wasn't the married one, he was. For almost a year we lied to our selves that we could only be friends but the attraction was too strong. I am not the kind of person to break a marriage and I'll also never be the second woman. So I left my job, and it was a damn good job, because I couldn't live on that edge anymore. I had to work one month after I gave my notice and he was so mad at me that he didn't speak to me that whole month. Is a damn painful situation but there is only one right thing to do.

If you can distance yourself from her do it, and do it now. Forget friendship, that is no friendship I promise you; cut it clean while you can and forget all about her. Otherwise everybody will get hurt. There's no winning in this situation.
It was more than 10 years ago and I still got some aches when I think about him. And I'm still sure that I did the right thing. I meet him sometimes; he is still with his wife so there's that and nothing more to add.

Like everybody here I'll tell you again: there is only one right thing to do. Man up and do it.

a reply to: Ksihkehe

I kept it professional with the people i was in charge of. Im not in charge of her, my promotion didnt change our work relationship.

But i am fool and its better for me to have the harsher words

I havent done anything i regret. i can say i still live up to every promise that i made to my wife. But there are things most people wont understand. Even now, there are those who already assume the worse, but it isnt like that.

Ive never even hugged this other woman. I know my feelings my already be considered a sin against my marriage, but ive never acted on them. And i never will. I promised myself i would never do anything to betray my friends trust in me, but some how i did to a degree. So ive cut off all contact with her unless its absolutely necessary and Id catch the next plane going home if could, and be done with all of this.

a reply to: Gothmog

Thats how it started, and thats how it still is. Except now we arent trying to be anything anymore.

a reply to: HAZE3

All I can say is chalk it up, let it go.

But then again...I've been married 3 times

originally posted by: HAZE3
a reply to: Gothmog

Thats how it started, and thats how it still is. Except now we arent trying to be anything anymore.

Good for you.
I wish I had had someone tell me , once upon a time...

Don't get your honey where you make your money!!!!!



Believe me... I know.

Long, long ago I had an affair with a kissing cousin. We lost contact with each other through the years but she is moving back into my area now and we have started hanging out together again. But even though she wants to pick up where we left off years ago I just can not do it at this point. I have told her that I don't want to have to explain anything to anyone at this point in my life and I don't want to have to deal with the potential turmoil it could create with family if we did and it was found out.

Let it go fella. No good can come from it especially if of probably when the relationship goes to far, and it will.
You keep your relationship with the other subordinates professional. Just do the same with her.

But it is tempting. Therein lies the danger. It's just so, so tempting.


If it is she terminating the relationship it is obvious she is a smart woman with values. You need to recommend her for a promotion.