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E-Mail Humor

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posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:05 AM
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For those of you who don't know me, don't remember me (or didn't really miss me) ... I've been off-the-grid for quite a while. I have missed you!!

This virus has really gotten some people down. Maybe a little humor could help some people through their day. I've got a ton of e-mails to go through from some really good folks who always remember to share with me.

Please please feel free to share. And ... awayyyyy we go!!




posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:05 AM
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS’…"



posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:11 AM
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Two guys, one old (most likely DBCowboy) and one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy," Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too ... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom ... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."



posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:15 AM
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE….

George Phillips, an elderly man from White Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No. But, some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me!"

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy! You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now, because I just shot them both!” And he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

Don't mess with old people!



posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:20 AM
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I changed my car horn to sound like gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a "seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. And I don’t have acne. Life is great!!

edit on 2232020 by Snarl because: The Laugh part of the post



posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:22 AM
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a reply to: Snarl

Hi there friend!

Here's one for ya...

"Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful.
"



Missed ya!



posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:30 AM
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a reply to: TNMockingbird

What's up, Southern Lady? Good to hear from you. Are you keeping it real?


Hunting gone wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”



posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:36 AM
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a reply to: Snarl
That one made me laugh!

Keepin' it as real as collard greens and cornbread!

Cool as a cucumber...glad to see you back for a bit.





posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 11:59 AM
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a reply to: Snarl

On Friday I walked into a bank and out of the blue 3 guys burst in, all wearing masks!! We all immediately started freaking out, BUT then they shouted "THIS IS A ROBBERY!"... and we all sighed in relief!!



posted on Mar, 22 2020 @ 12:06 PM
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a reply to: Snarl

good to see you are trying to put smiles on peoples faces, these are a few of mine i was going to use in my sit down comedy routine (because i'm too lazy for stand up)

My aunty is a psychologist, one patient came in saying he believed he was a kleptomaniac, my aunty told him 'please, take a seat.'

A blind man once walked into a bar...and broke his nose, he stumbled into a convention for people with hearing problems asking for help, but nobody listened. needless to say his dog was barking mad.

Here's a new word for you, demonym (real word) is used to described where people of a certain nation come from, i.e if you are from America, your american, if you are from Norway, you're Norwegian, if you are from Ireland, you're drunk.

Politicians are like cats, they sit there, do nothing, and hate a scratch on the belly, i tried to scratch Trump on the belly now i can't get a visa.

thank you, you've been a great audience.


edit on 22-3-2020 by Thecakeisalie because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 24 2020 @ 04:34 AM
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posted on Mar, 24 2020 @ 04:51 AM
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posted on Mar, 24 2020 @ 05:40 AM
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a reply to: Snarl

If you get an email with the heading "Ding Dong" don't open it!!!

Jehovah's witnesses are working from home

Peace
edit on 24-3-2020 by operation mindcrime because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 24 2020 @ 05:43 AM
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a reply to: operation mindcrime

Now _that_ is funny!!



posted on Mar, 24 2020 @ 05:51 AM
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a reply to: Snarl

I found all your anecdotes/jokes hilarious and I think your thread provides an important service in these days.

Thanks for those!!



Peace



posted on Mar, 30 2020 @ 04:13 PM
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90 Years Ago

Colorized Paul Newman from WWII

The Infamous Bonnie & Clyde

Time Always Wins

1895

Guess ...



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