Softball with AugustusMasonicus: Season III

BREAKING NEWS!!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!!



In these highly troubled times of escalating panic and uncertainty we stumble from one frightening situation to the next with little in the way of concrete answers as to why. But, as I promised years ago, I would get you the truth, no matter how hard or dangerous it may be and today I have not let you down.

We are all looking to blame someone for the situation, world leaders, corporations, your neighbor who wouldn't socially distance themselves because they're an annoying close-talker, but I have found the true culprit for this growing global calamity. The one agent that has been the bane of 2020 and who may never let us return to normal. I bring you the... CORONA VIRUS!!!!

Let's interview this dirty mother******.

AM: There are so many rumors about your origins, where did you really come from?

CV: I am Chinese on my mothers side, but on the other side I'm phlegm-ish.

AM: What's the best way to keep you from turning us into zombies?

CV: Have me re-engineered to destroy cell phones.

AM: Why did you name yourself after a really crappy beer?

CV: The rejected names were Budweiser, Michelob, and Pabst.
I consider myself lucky.

AM: How much did you make on your toilet paper company investments and what will you do with the money?

CV: I'll wipe out my competitors.

AM: Are you here to get Biden elected?

CV: Yes. Hate to be blunt about it, but yes. He's so darned smart! And I heard he does push-ups. What else do you need? But seriously, have you seen America? You guys (at this point) pretty much deserve him.

AM: On a catastrophe scale of 1-10 where do you rank and what possible events rank higher?

CV: I'm below The Walking Dead, but am worse than Christmas With The Kardashians.

AM: Favorite film?

CV: Shrek. C'mon! Did you expect a virus movie?

AM: Favorite TV show?

CV: Firefly. I did hear Biden was bringing it back.

AM: If I have symptoms what should I do?

CV: Panic. Post about your panic on social media. Blow your nose. Get better.

AM: Person you want to infect most and why?

CV: My dream infection would have to be anyone wearing skinny jeans.



Covid-19, or also known as Gary to his friends was born in a lab somewhere where they had bats. Or geese. I also remember they had the cast of Friends there as well, it was disturbing. I was schooled in London, where I infected a jellied eel. My latter years were spent in a woman's prison, because I identified that way, don't judge me! I was later released as part of a work-release program for the DNC.

You can find me resting on large piles of toilet paper and on the DNC website under [email protected]

I'm hoping that this interview gave you some insight into the level of danger that we're dealing with and that you'll all take Corona Virus seriously. It isn't every day that we can speak to a microscopic organism bent on our destruction and live to tell about it, especially since George W.'s brain declined to come in and speak with me. Hopefully my risking of life and limb will help all of you find answers in these trying times.

Corona Virus, thank you for speaking with us today and not killing us like you did to around 200 or so people so far in the United States. Your grim total is impressive and totally worthy of the maximum government overreaction taking place along with the curtailing of our rights. As Americans we are grateful. Your parting gift today is AIDS.

Until next time. Maybe.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Does Covid-19 have an agent?

Since this interview will we see it on Fox or CNN now?

Thank you for this, I am truly terrified now.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Does Covid-19 have an agent?

Yes, it's Agent Orange.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Does Covid-19 have an agent?

Yes, it's Agent Orange.

Oh.

So Fox News then.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Oh.

So Fox News then.

No, think of a bad man who's orange.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Oh.

So Fox News then.

No, think of a bad man who's orange.

I know who you're talking about and there's no need to be coy.

It's Grover from Sesame Street.

I always had a sneaky suspicion about him.

Bigly.

Since I read this interview, should I now quarantine myself inside my hut of Charmin? I'm currently wiping my ass with constitution as is most of America.

a reply to: DBCowboy

Sonofa...you nailed it.

Next year Ill try to interview the next pandemic du jour.

originally posted by: FauxMulder
Since I read this interview, should I now quarantine myself inside my hut of Charmin? I'm currently wiping my ass with constitution as is most of America.

It's just a piece of paper. A dry, crumbly, irritating piece of paper.

originally posted by: FauxMulder
Since I read this interview, should I now quarantine myself inside my hut of Charmin? I'm currently wiping my ass with constitution as is most of America.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: DBCowboy

Sonofa...you nailed it.

Next year Ill try to interview the next pandemic du jour.

Fingers crossed on Zombies!

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I've buried it in hopes that when humans rise again, the skid marks will have formed a secret map & become the basis of a movie.

National Treasure or something like that.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Fingers crossed on Zombies!

We're already there judging by people's reactions.

originally posted by: FauxMulder
I've buried it in hopes that when humans rise again, the skid marks will have formed a secret map & become the basis of a movie.

National Treasure or something like that.

Associal Distancing The Movie.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Fingers crossed on Zombies!

We're already there judging by people's reactions.

Hmmm, I've yet to see anyone hungry for brains.

Can you keep your guest around for some questions from the audience?
I have a question about a rash.

originally posted by: JinMI
Hmmm, I've yet to see anyone hungry for brains.

Surprised since most people have lost their minds.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Can you keep your guest around for some questions from the audience?
I have a question about a rash.

Corona Virus may or may not make an appearance in this thread.

Unless you actually think I interviewed a real virus.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Can you keep your guest around for some questions from the audience?
I have a question about a rash.

Corona Virus may or may not make an appearance in this thread.

Unless you actually think I interviewed a real virus.

Wouldn't be the first time.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Wouldn't be the first time.

I thought about that as I hit the 'enter' button.