I've learnt

More writings from teen years

somethingsomethingsomething
is filling the space
you used to hold.

i circled the sea
to find you weeping
in my jar
of honey.

& you think mere words
will make it okay?
that you
left me in
a memory.
that you
made me cry
in the dark.
that you
colour me blue.

& i'm screaming in
the wake of you.
because your shoes are
perfectly scuffed.
they weren't that way
when i saw you last.

i pushed myself
against the feeling
of being understood
by no one.

fell into the mud,
eyelashes-turned-grey.
hated you senseless
i hated you senseless.
i still do you know.
you say it's so goddamn graceful the way i hold myself in a chair. you say it's so goddamn beautiful the way i paint words on a page. you say it's so goddamn wonderful that i make friends by the road. you say it & you make a mockery of meaning. i have sliced your skin in my dreams. i have had tea with your mailman when you weren't looking. i have smelled tobbacco in my soul. there is nothing more that can take me over for an entire evening, that can chase me into the trees, down the shores of shadowed beaches. i have missed you for fortyfive nights. i have read philosophy books, sung myself to sleep, recited villanelles, quoted shakespeare. i have watched the people dancing on the way to work. i have filled myself with knowledge, written poetry for the poor. & do you know what i've learnt from it all?

i fall when i forget you.

You tell me I'm a beauty
a sight to behold
that you can't take your eyes off me
yet you've cheated, your soul

You say I'm your everything
you can't live without me
that you would rather die instead
but that's not what I see

I see you as my keeper
one who locks me inside
keeps me from the world
not knowing in it may lie

I have grown to hate you
you have ruined my life
you still say I;m a beauty
but that's not everything in life

I leave and walk away
and you scream a bloddy yell
you can't go on without me
only time will tell.