married to a narcissist?

a reply to: Spacespider

See the funny thiing about the dog is that she rescued it and yet cant take complete responsibility for it. She allowed it to come between us and laughed when it snapped at me when I try to sit next to her. I'm so sick of cleaning up after it. She knows sleeping with an animal in bed is not healthy. When I suggested she cleanse for parasites she laughed and refused to read the science that T Gondi can give you anxiety. She even said she may be bi-polar.

a reply to: BrianDavis

My dog sleep with me in my bed at night.. and I feel fine.
But if she cannot give it good long walks as a dog needs EVERY day to be happy and calm, she should not have a dog.

originally posted by: chiefsmom
a reply to: Boadicea

Bod, that was a little harsh?

Harsh? Hmmmmm.... I wonder if the wife would feel the same about her husband's words???

Sometimes people don't have someone to talk to in real life.

And maybe the OP does, and this isn't the only place he's badmouthing his wife behind her back.

No one should be talking like this about their wife (ETA: or husband!!!) to anyone. If the OP wants constructive help and advice, then the OP needs to seek practical professional help -- counselors, ministers, etc.

I am harsh because there is absolutely no practical or constructive purpose to this OP. The only purpose is to trash his wife in the worst ways with no opportunity for her to defend herself.

a reply to: Spacespider

She loves that dog to death and kisses it on the mouth when I say she should wash before food she laughs and says animals are cleaner than humans. Because shes running late sometimes she expects the dog to # in 5 minutes. I say to her just walk him on a leash to exercise him even around the house.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Thanks - teh minute we tried to exercise together she went that extra speed and then said "I forgot you have a bad knee"

Who forgets that their husband had a bad knee? Especially since I wore a knee support for a couple days the previous week?

a reply to: Boadicea

No vain glory here. She never joined ATS because she thinks we're all conspircay freaks and yet she doesnt mind plastering our real life on facebook even when I told her I dont appreciate her doing that without my consent. Like I said she called me a narcissist after hearing here son use the owrd and yet when I actually looked it up she fit the narcissist definition to a tee. The giving and taking the sex away was the giveaway

from the link "bait and switch"

(Narcissists use sex as a bonding tool to hook you on their energy. Sex can be an excellent instrument for inducing trance states, which is how they seize control of your attention. Naturally, during deep sharing all of your attention is on your partner. Using a method called bait-and-switch, they amplify intensity and then quickly withdraw. It gives them a way to test how deeply invested you are in them.

a reply to: BrianDavis

I obviously don't know you, Brian...but it appears you are defining yourself and your own happiness through pleasing someone who puts their own happiness before yours.

That, if the case, seems a recipe for failure for you...and will not change until your mindset changes.
From what you've shared, there will be no positive change for you...coming from HER side of your relationship.

originally posted by: BrianDavis
a reply to: Fools

I know its chaotic, I dont know how to be a man because I used to drink and be angry. Now she drinks because she says she needs to unwind and yet she knows the dangers of drinking for the wrong reasons.

Her mother makes demands of her and when shes so busy she reckons she hasnt the time and yet still runs to help her and forgives her controlling beghaviour she says her mother drove her father to death.

She uses sex as a weapon like I said about the romance.

I have asked her not to bring work home because really it isnt expected she bring work by home her employer. But shes always chasing and trying to overachieve and exhausts herself and theres never time for us.

Whenever I tried to wear the pants she saw that as being not so "new agey" but like an old fashioned "husband" that wants everything. Like she'll let the house be dirty and then she'll sweep mop do 3 loads of wash and be completely exhausetd.
Or shell spend all day in the garden but forget to rest or eat or the rest of the chores

First, she shouldn't have to do all the chores herself unless you have a medical condition that keeps you from assisting. Second, I personally would ask her to define "new agey" and why that is important to her. Personally I think that she really doesn't know what she wants because she is always doing things for other people and expecting some great reward that probably is never going to come.

We all have relationship issues, but it seems that you and your spouse are befuddled about everything that matters. And what matters is the contract between you and her and the health and safety of your children. Ask her and yourself to not listen to current social memes but to eachother.

If you want to save your marriage, start writing down what you are thinking and then asking her to take one hour a week to sit with you alone somewhere and go over those thoughts and how she thinks about them. That kind of thing helps.

TO be honest, none of us here really know how to help you because none of us actually know you or your wife. You however DO know your wife and if you really do want to stay married you need to stay calm and formulate a plan that works for both of you.

a reply to: BrianDavis

I helped her through her depression and her numerous suicide attempts

This told me more about your wife than anything else.

Sounds like she needs some mental help. It sounds like you have tried to help, but maybe aren't successful.
I'd start there, help get her help and then work on yourself and then both as a couple.

Good luck to you

a reply to: BrianDavis

I don't care what your wife did or didn't say... I don't care what your wife did or didn't do. I will not judge her on your say-so.

I am only expressing my contempt for what YOU are doing and what YOU are saying. Nothing your wife could say or do justifies this OP. There is no practical or proactive or helpful purpose for this OP.

And that's ALL on YOU.

a reply to: Boadicea

I see a man violating every manner of trust and loyalty to the woman he swore vows to love, honor and cherish.

I have all the loyalty I could give, every time I suggested we seek counselling "we couldn't find the time" or "they'll just repeat what we already know". I have put many things on hold, now that the children have left she stills makes sacrifices for 1 of them and yet she reckons shes not interfering.

Your contempt doenst bother me. I cant be hurt much more. You are a female and you would know how females always keep that special ace or secret for a rainy day. I have no weapons left just love. I cannot give anymore.

If I ask for help some she calls it neediness and she despises needy people an yet she cries when she sees an animal hurt mistreated

Just in case you've forgotten in your haste to attack me - this is an anonymous board. When she talks to her counseller they get the real identity real name

a reply to: Klassified

Yes I'm a 20 year enabler. When she suffered PTSD I thought she would get better, maybe I should have left a long time ago. I thought love you stick it out.

She never seemed to find the time to do long term counselling because she would alwasy get the highs and lows the chase and the catch career wise and always trying to do more at work because she reckons shes a perfectionist.

a reply to: BrianDavis

1. You're only responsible for your own happiness.

2. It's obvious the relationship is over.

3. One of you needs to step up and be the adult that calls it and moves on.

There's no reason to be unhappy as you've depicted it.

"There must be 50 ways to leave your lover." Great advice.

a reply to: BrianDavis

Your contempt doenst bother me.

Obviously. Nor does your conscience.

You are a female and you would know how females always keep that special ace or secret for a rainy day.

Actually, I have no idea what you're talking about! What "special ace"? What "secret"? Something about us? Or something about our husbands? Given how long I've been married, I guess I should have collected a few by now???

Or, more likely, this is just some self-projected misogynistic crap... who's telling secrets? Is this that "special ace" you're thinking of?

Please don't answer me. I really don't want to know. I no longer want to be part of this. Prayers up for you both. Good luck.

a reply to: BrianDavis

She never seemed to find the time to do long term counselling because she would alwasy get the highs and lows the chase and the catch career wise and always trying to do more at work because she reckons shes a perfectionist.

If she doesn't want to go to counseling you go, even if it is by yourself. Trust me on this.
You keep going.

My best friend was married to a narcissist for 15 years, and they were together much longer. She was deathly ill and he was enjoying a solo vacation and refused to come back home. That was the straw. She had been going to counseling and that helped her greatly.

a reply to: Boadicea

like others have said maybe I dont have anyone in life to talk to because she always used to say too many friends arent good in a relationship and they usually let you down. So we distanced ourselves and 2 of my best friends have died and yet she wants new friends and old friends back in her life and yet she reckons she never has time.


Im not seeking to trash her but to try and make sense of this. Did you miss the bit about consellors being flat out this time of the year and we're looking at leasts 4/6 weeks for an appointment.

Women usually like to keep 1 or 2 secrets or a bullet up their sleeve for a rainy day. So you probably cant see past that.
Because as I said they play the adrenalin game well
How can a minister help when they usually aren't married or ever had sex or had to work for a living other than talking about god?

Couples/relation therapy seems like a step you can try out.

I know you want to vent this bad energy , but ATS is not the place really.

Also go maybe go talk to a "shrink" he/she will help you order your thoughts.

I Can imagine that your mind is filled with frustration , in that case you want professional help to get that in order.

They will try to help you to clear your head , so you can make proper decisions.

This is not the kind of stuff you want to hold in and wait for the bubble to burst.

I hope things work out for you

I will say this once and only once.
GTFO.

You’re wasting your time.
She sounds like a completely self-absorbed biatch.
Be the one to initiate divorce proceedings.

This might wake her up, but it’s to late.
Just get away man! That woman has already changed you, this does not sound like a healthy mutual relationship.
She sounds like a narcissist yes, but more than anything else she sounds like a self-absorbed biatch.

Now is the time to bail, any acts she produces to make amends - say thank you, look down, and tell her it’s to late.

If you can be happy on your own, why would you put up with this?

a reply to: IAMTAT

And thats whats killing me- Like the narcissist is waiting for me to fail.

I'm that close to going out to get laid to get it out of my system. She has the thrill and excisement and dramas at work. I've been taken on a roller coaster these last few years through the suicide attempts because i cared and loved too deeply.

Now that she has a job she reckons shes magically cured which makes me suspect that she was never really suicidal, but it wasnt an option I could take at the time - i could not abandon her.

If I do get laid then she'll say see I knew you had it in you - why did you break our vows? " I was only being a bitch"

Dude, just drop the bish on her head and find a hooker. I promise you it'll be much cheaper in the long run. She is doing the same thing most women do when they get old, they get FOMO and will probably cheat on you with the lamest guy just so she can feel some "excitement"


When sex becomes a chore it's time to cut your losses my dude. I've always told girls I date once they stop putting out they will hit the curb, and I've stuck by that philosophy forever.


ETA: Pretty much all women are narcissists, blame weak and pathetic men for putting women on a pedestal all these centuries.