Letting it all go...

I was not originally aiming to create a thread with this.
Originally a reply to a comment in The Shed thread but when finished replying, it just seemed far too long for a sane reply

There is this place in Scotland where I am from. A small theatre that I treasure so very much, deep in my heart.

You see, each town here used to have a theatre before the days of television. People would go for a night out quite frequently to the Theatre, then visit a pub/bar for a drink then go home and listen to the radio for entertainment ha-ha.

My family visited this place a lot, way before my time of course.
My grandmother and my pops took me here for my first theatre experience when I was a kid too.
It closed not long after I first visited, in the early 90's when I was a wee kid, before re-opening as a cinema.

Again I watched my first Cinema movie here with both of them and my mother too (Jurassic Park) and I returned a few times again with various family members. It closed once again, and not long after some of the family members that took me there began passing away.

It re-opened as a theatre some years later and for a long time, I did not think of it too much at all (almost 20 years to be exact).
Then I was offered to do a show in the place and said yes (I was doing hypnosis shows at the time).

On the night I did the show, there was something almost magical in the air, was like a crisp feeling of nostalgia, smell of popcorn, crowd noises, was like being back in time or something. Before I stepped out from the curtain I was nervous as hell and I don't normally get too nervous, but then it almost felt like I was being possessed by something, like a wind of confidence and felt so alive like never before.
Show went amazingly well and went on to do quite a few more in the place, including a comedy weekend festival headliner during the Fringe.

Each time I performed at the place it was like I felt at home more and more. One of the directors at the time kept encouraging me to switch from Hypnotist to Comedian or a try a combination, but I never felt cut out for it, can’t hear the audience if they are heckling etc.

Sometime later my my mum died unexpectedly (we did not get on too well with her drinking). I got a call whilst clearing out her belongings, from the same theatre mentioned regarding tickets selling for a show. I had forgotten I booked it, I had walked away from the stage. Only now do I realise the whole reason I set out to do it in the first place... I was trying to help my mother with her alcoholism. She would never take me seriously enough, could only ever see her child, which I can understand. You cannot help a person with Hypnosis/NLP etc if they cannot see you as such. I tried everything, even getting on the radio, TV and anything I could do including shows all over the UK, fundraising, but nothing had worked.

I told the venue I would get back to them after what had just happened.

I then found my mother’s diary and inside, all the shows I had done, the TV stuff and the upcoming show I had just been called about... including tickets that fell out when flicking the pages. It was my mum who had bought the first tickets before passing away

I decided I had to do the show, for my mum once again only this time as a farewell.
It went amazingly well with a great crowd and even better volunteers too. This was the last show I would do here (2016) but just before the end I asked the audience if I should do it again, got a standing ovation and cheers with a resounding YES!

I booked the same Theatre again, sold out the tickets and a few days before the show was to take place, the Theatre once again closed.

I made this little tribute video back at the time covering the experiences so far etc as a farewell to a place I treasure, it broke my heart when it closed along with everything else that happened. I even tried to help keep it open too but too much debt. Felt horrible watching it get shuttered up along with all the memories...



I did a few more shows elsewhere but something was missing after this, something did not feel right ever again. I still to this day do not know what it is or why.

So, fast forward to this year...

The Theatre once again opened with a new owner and I am being offered a potential return. However, being honest, I feel completely terrified for some reason, I’ve shut myself off too much from former fans that came along a lot, I moved away from my hometown too, I just don't know what happened really. The people closest to me keep saying go for it, just do it etc.
But in honesty, I’m terrified that when the stage curtain opens, I will collapse with the weight of the past or something.

Anyways, just getting this off my chest or letting it go in a sense. I do have a short work in progress trailer that I have linked below after being encouraged to make something to see if it feels right. It is unlisted as is the one above, and not for profit or similar, show is not even booked yet and still just an idea at the moment but does feel like unfinished business for a lot of reasons if this makes sense.

Wondering what any of you might think about all of this from another perspective, I know some of you are in entertainment too which might provide an insight?

Thanks for taking the time out to have a read, appreciated



Kinda feels like the fight of my life, as dramatic as that might sound. Facing everything that's happened basically but it is so easy to say No for the reason above.

a reply to: XXXN3O

Responding as a Technical Theatre professional:

The first part reads as the standard 'getting bit by the live performance bug.'

The (now) hang-up about performing could have something to do with unresolved issues with your relationship with your mother.
It could be something about having a few years as a break (many performers have self confidence issues if they haven't performed recently).

Your break has been less than 5 years, those that enjoyed your show will still remember you, and likely will bring new potential fans to see the show.
It sounds like you were well received in the past, you probably will be again. Assuming you are still in practice.

Is it worth your time to do this again?

Ultimately you will have to work through this yourself.

Hope this helps!

a reply to: randomtangentsrme

Thanks for the reply

Yes I was bitten I guess, I don't come from a background in performing. Was all new to me at the time and came about via a freak accidental hypnosis incident then saying yes to a fundraiser.

I still have people wanting me to perform, some of them are offering venues to me and fundraisers constantly at the moment.
It just feels like climbing a mountain, I cant describe it clearly but might tie into what you are saying.

I did have a show earlier this year just to test the waters, off the radar without any fuss, and it went very well.

It's just this venue, feels so terrifying, yet I love it so much and want to do it within so to speak.
I remember when I first started. Went way outside my comfort zone, did shows and they went well... turned up near my hometown in front of a large crowd, looked out and it was everyone I knew from school, teachers and more were there. A hypnotists worst nightmare, yet it worked it out very well. Feels like a different guy that did it now.

It is like exorcising a ghost/demon or something, I start shaking even just thinking about it with this place

a reply to: XXXN3O

I follow you on youtube and have seen your talent. Your shows are a riot! You already know I'm going to tell you to find your courage and do what you love. You've been successful in the past when you weren't sure that you would be. Be a Sheddite warrior and hold your sword high my friend. I know you can do this and I know you'll be great!

a reply to: XXXN3O

I cannot tell you what to do. I do not know where your passion lays.
Trust me, I understand your trepidation, both as a performer and as backstage help. (I've screwed up bigger gigs than this is a mantra I live in).

This venue is your home. I recognize that. This venue tethers you to your mother. I recognize that.
Do you want to be a stage performer?

That is the question you need to answer.

a reply to: XXXN3O

Will you be comfortable with not doing it ?

The regret and "what if's" may be a bigger burden than being true to yourself and talents and having a crack ...

What do you have to lose ?

Your ATS family is with you.

a reply to: XXXN3O

Wonderful that you shared this with us.

Bless you for the joy that you have brought to this crazy world.

A wise man once said to me: "Skill is for yourself, but the gift of talent: is for others".
And so: what will it be, good Sir ?