A Belated Response to Ray-John Brothers, by Harry Dwurker

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Sept. 2, 2019

Ray-John Brothers:

And greetings. I am a summer intern at the zoo. Among a multitude of other long-neglected custodial tasks, I was assigned to sweep and mop the senior staff's lounge - including beneath and behind the refrigerator, which is where I found your unopened letter dated June 4, 2018.

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I gave the letter to Carrie DeBurdin, the intern coordinator, and went about my business, quickly forgetting your letter as I chiseled bird poop of the handrails in the aviary.

But at lunch, my boss rounded all of us interns up and read your letter aloud. (She took brief pauses to ask, "Is he serious!?") After the forced laughter we shared at your expense, she tossed the letter in the recycling bin and told us all to get back to work.

I could not resist recovering your letter and sending you a response, not least because the question kept nagging at me…*is* he serious? (Some of the people on my crew even thought it was a hoax completely created by my boss. Conspiracies abound.)

If so, your writing comes across as simply awful. I wouldn't be surprised to learn you haven't found a job. Furthermore, if you are of even average intelligence, you still don't understand that some of us took loans to attend four, eight, or more years of college on the promise that college degrees equal success, only to become glorified janitors and volunteer janitors at that, all just to enter the lottery to be considered for a job that doesn't pay that well. "Study what you like," they said. "You can do anything you put your mind to," they said.

If you weren't utterly delusional or ignorant or both, maybe now you would understand why I have plenty of excuse to crush a raccoon or skunk or coyote that doesn't have the sense to scurry off the road when I'm in a hurry driving to my night job! And if it still bothers you so much, why don't you get a job on a roadkill crew? Your evident poor verbal and written communication skills probably won't hold you back too much. (It may help that, when pressed, most would admit they don't want that job.)

I wish you would Ray-John Brothers, and now it's back to my multitude of long-neglected custodial tasks.

a Sincerely,

Harry Dwurker