posted on Aug, 11 2019 @ 02:23 AM
Okay, so this has just been a recurring thought in my mind in the last few months. I suppose the idea has been a weight on my shoulders for an
extended period of time now, maybe years. Mostly, maybe, because I have had dreams about it. About disappearing, just up and vanishing from the life
i've had for the last 3 decades. In a sense it would be like dying to those around me, but to me, it would be rebirth. Don't get me wrong I love
my family, my friends, people I care about. I've just always had this weight upon my shoulders, a bit of a traumatic past and it's steered me in a
direction I never thought possible. I feel as though the further I am from those people, the better. Where I would go, i'm not sure. Maybe journey
across the country in hopes of finding my purpose. I have no children, and that is by choice. I feel as though I have never truly found my tribe, my
people. I was once told by a medicine man that I once belonged to a people from the west, somewhere in the mountains, and that I would write 4 songs.
Much of my life until now has not coincided with that prophecy, and it has me questioning my path. Have I fallen off what fate had in store for me,
do I wait for it, or do I take a leap of faith? At this point in my life I have given up my mission of "Taking back my name", but have focused more
so on leaving a positive legend behind. There have been variables why I haven't lived my life directly, and I'm just not sure if i'm punishing
myself, or pursuing something. I've done nothing but train my body and mind for years, in hopes to balance this empty feeling in my heart. I was
told, "You need to have children, they will give you purpose". But to me, that might be true to a degree, but I need to know who I am before that.
I am frightened by the thought of having children before ever serving my purpose, before I give up on myself. The feeling of disappearing out weighs
the thought of becoming known. I used to think it was a depressive thing, but now i'm not so sure.. I feel like with age, and all that comes with
it, I am more grounded, yet, am more curious and urgent about experiencing the world that is unknown to me.
I suppose this isn't really a question, and I am not seeking advice (though words are welcome) more or less just using this as a platform to feel not
so alone. To even see my own words right before pressing Enter sort of helps. It's been 10 years since i've been here, so this feels foreign to