Jesus!!!

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posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 07:42 AM
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i have found the secret in Jesus. They SAY he was God's son but i have found out... in fact... JESUS WAS A MAGICIAN! yes he turned water into wine! he's an illusionist!

[edit on 4-3-2005 by kinglizard]




posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 08:06 AM
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Ok, I suppose thats possible. What makes you think this? In other words, have you found something out that we don't know, or is it just your opinion?



posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 08:45 AM
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this would explain a lot of things, so in other words he was the modern day equivilant of david blaine. blaine tried to stay in a box for however long it was. jesus tired to stay nailed to a cross but it went a bit wrong



posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 11:02 AM
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alrite heres the story of jesus
(invaderchris is helpin with this)
400,000 years ago reptilians landed on earth. and genetically engineered the first humans. fast forward 200,000 years JRR tolkien and Jesus are born from one egg (orgins unknown) and are lost twin magician/illusionst brothers. fast forward 1000 years JRR Tolkien creates a civilzation of orcs and shoves into the center of the earth which is hollow (GASP!) to avoid contact with humans which will cause inevitable wars. Skipping a couple 100 thousand years to the year 31 BC where jesus takes the form of a human baby. Satan disguises himself as santa in this year. for the purpose of tricking little kids into worshipping him. skipping to the year 1776 on July 3rd a man tried to dig a hole to China to get a special spice trade route. However he falls down in to the center of the earth and inter breeds with the orcs. creating Half man half orcs. Which are SMARTER AND STRONGER than orcs and humans. skpping to the year 1981 the orcs send up the HIV virus to try to destroy humanity. in 2000 they start drilling to the surface world to try to destroy humanity (again!). in 2004-2005 florida gets hit by 18 different hurracaines (exaggeration) and 24 different tropical storms and later in '05 there is a major tsnuami taking out most of southeast asia. this is created from the orcs drilling upwards with their clanky hammers/teeth.

to be continued...



posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 11:08 AM
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okay...

In the year 2015, the United States nukes Russia, which is the site of the surface drilling, opening teh hole to the surface world. Almost simultaneously, the reptilians return to claim the earth, and so does Jesus and Satan/Santa. And so, there is a big war between the reptilian brainwashed humans and the orcs. Jesus turns half the human population into banana pudding. Satan dies and is sent to Ultrahell where he is tortured by Buddha. Druids, using druid technology revive Moses, who runs a successful plowing bussiness, "Parting of the Snow."




to be continued...



posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 11:18 AM
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Jesus and Buddha have their "disagreements" and go into a rap battle. when buddha disses Jesus's Mom they find out there's only one way to finish this... ONE ON ONE BASKETBALL USING THE MOON AS A BALL AND SATURN AS THE HOOP! In the mean time... The orcs also revive Hitler who turns the orcs into Nazi orcs (DAMN NAZIS WHO KNOWS WHAT THEIR UP TO?!) and so the Nazi orcs throw spam rocks at ATS [
] then they revive Ghengis Khan thinking that he will teach the Nazi Orcs. However Ghengis Khan dies in an unfortunate Tree-Bomb accident. Mean while... Buddha and Jesus are tied at 103721 and 103721 points each. so Buddha goes into his transformer Buddha-Ma-Tron 3000 1/2. and Jesus goes into the Jesus-mobile-thingy. and they fight each other. meanwhile moses buys microsoft from the money he got from his "Parting of the Snow" company. The Nazi Orcs go to Ozzy's house where Ozzy bites off the majority of the orcs heads. So the nazi orc population drops in 1/2.

now as jesus and buddha fight each other. Satan manages to escape from ultra hell where he reappears into a boxing ring with mike tyson fighting george forman. Satan and Mike Tyson tag team againsts George Forman and Adolf Hitler.

To be continued...

[edit on 4-3-2005 by HAIIILYEAH]



posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 11:24 AM
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After that the reptilians went back to their home planet to fight all thebad guys. HAIIILYEAH went back in time to before the birth of the twin magicicans to prevent Jesus from ever playing one-on-one b-ball with Buddha.


Written over a period of one month, but we were to lazy to actually type it up.



posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 12:16 PM
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I have often turned wine into pee - does that mean I'm an illusionist too ?



posted on Mar, 4 2005 @ 05:58 PM
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If he is a magician then how would you explain walking on water, curing the blind, deaf,lepers, paralized, bringing lazarus back from the dead, and feeding an entire crowd with just a couple loaves of bread and fish?

No way some cheap magician could ever do that.



posted on Mar, 5 2005 @ 06:35 AM
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Originally posted by Croat56
If he is a magician then how would you explain walking on water, curing the blind, deaf,lepers, paralized, bringing lazarus back from the dead, and feeding an entire crowd with just a couple loaves of bread and fish?

No way some cheap magician could ever do that.


I belive in Jesus as the son of God, this was just a story we made up one morning because we were bored. I don't know if
HAIIILYEAH belives it or not, though.



posted on Mar, 5 2005 @ 01:36 PM
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hmmmmmmmmmmm :shk:

maybe he was David Copperfield's great great great great NO grandfather..... oy oy oy :shk:



posted on Mar, 5 2005 @ 02:34 PM
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Just nevermind all this, its just some story we came up with one morning when we were bored.



posted on Mar, 6 2005 @ 07:00 PM
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Funny story, but why is this in the religion section? Shouldn't this be in short stories?



posted on Mar, 7 2005 @ 08:59 AM
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Originally posted by Croat56
If he is a magician then how would you explain walking on water

He was lifted up by uglyrific-mutated flying orcs...


curing the blind, deaf,lepers, paralized, bringing lazarus back from the dead,

Uh he hired a super cool Orc Doctor who worked as a witch doctor part time


and feeding an entire crowd with just a couple loaves of bread and fish?

Martha stewart was pulled from 2005 and sucked into the rip created in space time continuum( which was fixed later on with some super glue, red ribbons and multicolored flowers) to assist jesus on "how to make a full course meal in under an hour for 30,000 people"
By the way, the Nazis sometimes fed the jews a bowl of dirty water with a potato in it(called it soup) for years...ok? That would be what 2 potatoes for a camp?



Funny story, but why is this in the religion section? Shouldn't this be in short stories?

I agree but it did have a potential to be a good thread until the orcs came in....



posted on Mar, 9 2005 @ 01:55 PM
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Eze 22:5 Those that be near, and those that be far from thee, shall mock thee, which art infamous and much vexed.

Mar 10:34 And they shall mock him, and shall scourge him, and shall spit upon him, and shall kill him: and the third day he shall rise again.


Gal 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.



posted on Mar, 10 2005 @ 10:39 AM
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thats all this world does today Jake is mock everything. They don't want to hear real miracles or look deep into themselves and realize what life is truly about so they mock stuff that deep down they know might be true.


This Jesus, has saved my life literally from sin and from a very dark place and thats no joke to me nor ever will be. He is truly the lord, and if you believe this you will see his miracles in your life which are incredible.


peace.



posted on Mar, 10 2005 @ 05:57 PM
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Originally posted by Truth
thats all this world does today Jake is mock everything. They don't want to hear real miracles or look deep into themselves and realize what life is truly about so they mock stuff that deep down they know might be true.


After reading you two guys posts I realized how dumb I must be for this. I forget what we were talking about that led to this story to be thought up the day that we made it. This is a mockery of God, and I feel very sorry about it. Because I can't, can a mod edit my post above that contributed to the story?



posted on Mar, 10 2005 @ 06:06 PM
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Originally posted by Truth

thats all this world does today Jake is mock everything. They don't want to hear real miracles or look deep into themselves and realize what life is truly about so they mock stuff that deep down they know might be true.


OH boy. Look what you have done invader_chris!! But seriously truth, no offense dude, cant you take a joke? This thread OBVIOUSLY holds no truth(no pun) Ok I have a feeling invader that the orcs have gone too far.



posted on Mar, 10 2005 @ 08:12 PM
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I almost mistook this thread for a conversation. By the time I read through the first few post I realized that all seriousness was checked at the door. This really should be in a different forum. O well.



posted on Mar, 10 2005 @ 09:24 PM
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Yea I can take a joke, but its just so foolish. Its like nothing can be taken seriously anymore.


whens the last time, honestly that y have had a conversation without making cheap jokes? Its like we have been programed to be comedians.


peace.



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