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RAAAAAAAAANT!

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posted on Jun, 23 2019 @ 11:20 PM
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Here we go again...

I used to be pretty damn prominent on this site, mainly between General Conspiracies and the Rant section. Hotheaded activism and teenage confusion. God, simpler times those were. Lol.

I swore I wouldn't get back into the habit of b!itching in the rant section all the time again, but well, my life is about to undergo another wave of change and I just I just need to vent in a way people will actually see.

My ex-fiance told me his mother died of cancer & he was dying of it as well. Both lies. This happened roughly two years ago. Also, for anyone interested, my ex-fiance was also my best friend back in the day, someone I claimed to 'love like a brother' before I ever realized we had feelings for each other. He's the person I'm talking about in this old thread: My friend just took half a bottle of tylenol...

Some people suggested I go to him, and my mother did the same. So I did. I went there to spend the weekend and clean his house up for him, and when he came home from the hospital, he was happy. He convinced me to stay longer. Two days became two weeks.

Two weeks became four years.

We fell in love and it was wonderful for a while, albeit bittersweet at times when one of us acted up (we both have mental problems, though his are worse than mine). But it gets complicated... he was once friends with my other friend group, and he and a friend of mine (Cori, female) used to fight constantly. She has mental problems, too. Seems to be a trend among us all. Short version is, I was forced to choose between the two of them a lot, and it got old. Cori moved away and that was that.

But when she came back to TN, she rejoined our friend group. Fastforward four years - my father leaves to Florida, and I have to leave my fiance's house to help my mother look after my kid siblings. I start visiting a flea market near my house and meet an Irishman there, made a friend out of him. I ended up helping the Irishman (he had a crap situation) and my mother at the same time. My fiance got restless, didn't want me out of the house prioritizing so many other people, especially another guy. Because God forbid.

So, the lies began, and so did the panic attacks. I was truly convinced that my fiance was dying, just fueling his starvation for attention. I started drinking whenever I wasn't babysitting or helping the Irishman. Eventually, I found out about the lies, and our relationship died real fast, which left me homeless right when my mother moved to TX. Now it's just me and the Irishman, partners in crime.

This guy has been looking after me nonstop. The stupidest of things give me panic attacks (especially driving. I was hit by a car once, not fun, now driving gives me panic attacks like holy hell). Public interaction used to do the same thing, but ever since I ended up living this way, my lifestyle & my Irishman have both forced me to adapt. I've gotten a lot better at dealing with people out of simple necessity. But now, my friends are all about to move to Washington, and once again, like always, I'm forced to choose between people.

I cannot seem to function by myself. The thought of holding down a job and driving regularly is freaking laughable. I end up with scars on me that I barely remember making - using pain as a brief escape from anxiety has become second-nature. I know the obvious answer is 'get help,' but people like me don't get help. I've tried breaching my way into healthcare systems designed for the poor, but they never seem to have openings and transportation is something of a pipe dream for me. Help ain't gonna happen.

All my time is dedicated to my stories, books I write and comics I draw. I sit on a laptop at my favorite bar and I work. I work my ass off for basically nothing. It's all I can do, and in reality, it's all I want out of life. Even though basic life demands say I should be doing anything else, this is all I really care about, so I do it. I don't want to lose myself breaking my back trying to meet life's financial demands and realize I wasted my entire life not using my talents or striving for what I want. That's exactly what happened to my parents. Not me. Not gonna happen.

But anyway...

My friends are like family to me, but so is the Irishman. But he's much older than me. He'll die long before I do, and my friends are leaving, so... seems like me being stranded alone is inevitable. I want to go with them, but I can't. I can't leave him, and I can't handle big change - I've tried in the past, and guess what? MORE PANIC ATTACKS. FUN.

Ugh. Sorry...

Don't know what the hell I'm wanting to hear, but I ranted, so I guess I'm done here.




posted on Jun, 23 2019 @ 11:45 PM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

You need to find you.

Get the conversation going, get a relationship going.

Learn how to live with you.

Learn to like you.

Until you do that, you will always need someone else to fill in the gaps... to help you when you are down.

You need to find you.

I've been where you are... feel free to PM me if you are interested.

I can't help you.

But maybe talking to me will help you with you.



posted on Jun, 23 2019 @ 11:58 PM
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originally posted by: Lumenari
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

You need to find you.

Get the conversation going, get a relationship going.

Learn how to live with you.

Learn to like you.

Until you do that, you will always need someone else to fill in the gaps... to help you when you are down.

You need to find you.

I've been where you are... feel free to PM me if you are interested.

I can't help you.

But maybe talking to me will help you with you.





I getcha, and I appreciate it.

But I've never been able to function without helping or being helped by someone else. I tend to believe that connection and compassion is all we've got going for us as a species. Without that, we're all just hungry horny consumers. I honestly believe we wouldn't be worth a damn without connection and compassion...

Which means I'm not keen on finding a big sense of self over all else. I'm honestly a rotten person without other people xD



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 12:13 AM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

So you're a drama queen... fair enough.

You are not worth anything to anyone if you are not a self-reliant person in the first place.

A real person gives without needing anything in return, you see.

I guess you will just need to figure that out.

Wish you luck on your journey.



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 12:21 AM
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originally posted by: Lumenari
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

So you're a drama queen... fair enough.

You are not worth anything to anyone if you are not a self-reliant person in the first place.

A real person gives without needing anything in return, you see.

I guess you will just need to figure that out.

Wish you luck on your journey.





Wow, okay...

I could go on and on about me saving my mother's situation when she had no one to watch the kids, or feeding my homeless friend, or finding the time to donate to all the hobos living under the Knoxville broadway bridge even though I hardly have # myself, but yeah. Not worth anything to anyone. Cool.





A real person gives without needing anything in return, you see.

I guess you will just need to figure that out.



Don't patronize me. I'm not an idiot and I know what give-and-take is. The reality is that everyone needs to give AND take, and it's presumptuous to state otherwise. Especially about yourself.


edit on 24-6-2019 by XxKonspiracyxX because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 12:28 AM
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Lumenari is correct. You need to find you but you don't want to.

What do you want? Not sure it is clear to you.

You are very co-dependant and that's not worked out for you.

Seems alot more going on here and that will be lot of therapy sessions.

But, you do you. Best wishes. You are your own worst enemy but you know that.



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 12:38 AM
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a reply to: Justso

Why?

You can't 'find yourself' without life experiences showing you who you really are. You don't see that by forcing it. You see it when the necessary stimuli spawns that reaction in you. I know myself just fine, but as stated above, I thrive off of connection. It's a steep belief, I know, but I don't think we're worth a damn without that connection.

I mean, seriously... take that away, and what are we? Horny apes. xD



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 12:44 AM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

See, the thing is you are doing what everyone else in this world wants to do: to live freely and do as you wish. Yet, you are upset when you, the one that is not willing to make the sacrifices to put a roof over your own head and be responsible for your own self. You said it here: "I don't want to lose myself breaking my back trying to meet life's financial demands and realize I wasted my entire life not using my talents or striving for what I want."

If we all did this no one would eat, have homes, have the clothes on our backs or friends.

Life is a give and take and unfortunately there are certain things we have to do in order to survive with the things that we need.

It would be ideal if we didn't have to play the game, but it is what it is.

Lumenari gave you some good feedback, especially since she's been in your shoes. Yes, you've helped people and saved people. We all have. But still, I applaud you because some people won't.

The mental illness you refer to has its hold on you. I am not coming down on you or applying any blame, just pointing out the obvious - you are resistant and want to do things your way. Which is fine, but you can't rant about it then, otherwise that makes you a hypocrite. Again, I'm not attacking you, I'm just saying it very factually and plainly so that you can perhaps understand it better.

Oh, and by the way I really, really enjoyed your writing. You are very good. I mean that.
edit on 24-6-2019 by hiddeninsite because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 12:55 AM
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a reply to: hiddeninsite




See, the thing is you are doing what everyone else in this world wants to do: to live freely and do as you wish. Yet, you are upset when you, the one that is not willing to make the sacrifices to put a roof over your own head and be responsible for your own self. You said it here: "I don't want to lose myself breaking my back trying to meet life's financial demands and realize I wasted my entire life not using my talents or striving for what I want."

If we all did this no one would eat, have homes, have the clothes on our backs or friends.


Yeah, I get that. I never rant anymore. I just wanted to again for once, because it's becoming overwhelming... but I figure it makes no difference now. It's not my lifestyle I'm ranting about, it's this constant conflict of people making me choose between them. Used to be my parents, then my fiance & best friend, now it's my friend & my other friends. I feel this issue would be present whether I had control of my living situation or not, and I know it's an unrealistic wish, but I really just want it to stop...

Some people are happy with their jobs. Other people make due trying to balance a not-so-great 9-5 with their real wants and desires. But in my experience, my family, it's always I hate my job and I hate my life when they find means to function in society. Just terrified of becoming them, I suppose. It's a selfish fear, but it's me to my core. Might be linked to the panic attacks I had when I tried to work retail... ehk...




The mental illness you refer to has its hold on you. I am not coming down on you or applying any blame, just pointing out the obvious - you are resistant and want to do things your way. Which is fine, but you can't rant about it then, otherwise that makes you a hypocrite. Again, I'm not attacking you, I'm just saying it very factually and plainly so that you can perhaps understand it better.


Always been this way, not sure I can do anything about this one...




Oh, and by the way I really, really enjoyed your writing. You are very good. I mean that.


You've read my stuff? That's awesome, man, I really appreciate that.



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 01:15 AM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

Worthy rant! S&F


Reading it reminds me of a good friend that I had from 1993 — 2010.

Both of us moved around a lot. She's the one who kept in touch, 'cuz I'm plain lousy at that. I never had a cell phone, so she would send me emails. But then my stinking email provider decided that people without cell phone numbers on record shouldn't be able to log in, even if they know their email address and password.

So now only the hackers can read the emails she sends to me. I don't get to.

I wish I hadn't freaked out on her last time I saw her. She just got back in state from Tennessee, after wrapping up her father's affairs after he died. She contacted my ex-wife, who then invited me over. So we were sitting around drinking beer and chatting when she pulled out her cell phone and took a picture of me and started pushing buttons.

So I asked "What are you doing?"

"Sending your picture to my friends list, with a note, 'Doesn't he look like Gandalf?' "

Then I sort of freaked, "What?!?!"

Then she starts yelling, "You shall not pass! You shall not pass!"

So I start yelling, "What the hell? How many friends? You didn't ask me or anything!"

All the other people are just kind of looking stunned like "this is so bizarre, I don't know how to react." Then my daughter, who gave me the ride over there said "Well, looks like it's time for us to go."

So anyway, that's the last time I saw my friend and I can't look at my email and my ex-wife was always sort of jealous of her anyway, so she probably wouldn't pass any messages to me, and … I don't know, I wish I didn't PANIC so much over attempting to initiate conversations.

For literary reference see 01:26



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 01:44 AM
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You were "Pretty damn prominent on this board" you say, with a whole 99 post count - 5 of which are from this thread! Yeah, I'd say you were a prolific poster (/sarc), I'm not sure why there weren't endless threads asking where you dissappeared to when you "left"... SMH. You got a pretty big ego on you don't you.
edit on 6 24 2019 by DigginFoTroof because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 01:49 AM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

I sure did. And, you scored big time in my eyes as it was an apocalyptic story. Sorry I didn't give you any feedback that night - I tend to have many distractions at home and then forget everything I was doing and carry on.

I hear you. I don't blame you for not wanting to repeat the cycle and become your parents. Have you tried therapy? I can totally see this being an avoidance thing of getting hurt, having to make hard decisions, and the anxiety is such a controlling thing. I totally get it. Sadly, mental illness (which no one should ever be shameful of) is so destructive to self.

It sounds like Irishman has your back and you have his. I have the feeling that this is the better scenario for you but, only you can answer that.

I wish you well. You can PM me anytime. I'm always here to support people if need be.

P.S. Go ahead and rant if it helps. Feeling overwhelmed is something that just stops me from functioning. Never used to be that way but I think it's from having to have carried so much in my life. And now I just go with the flow because I'll probably just walk into traffic otherwise.
edit on 24-6-2019 by hiddeninsite because: (no reason given)

edit on 24-6-2019 by hiddeninsite because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 02:51 AM
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originally posted by: DigginFoTroof
You were "Pretty damn prominent on this board" you say, with a whole 99 post count - 5 of which are from this thread! Yeah, I'd say you were a prolific poster (/sarc), I'm not sure why there weren't endless threads asking where you dissappeared to when you "left"... SMH. You got a pretty big ego on you don't you.


My Old Account.

^ Why don't you check that out and see my old numbers before you start ranting and raving about something you obviously didn't bother to research before complaining about. Hell, a link to one of my old account's threads is IN the OP.

I like how you tried to look smart by checking my numbers, but you failed. Nice try. No-go.

edit on 24-6-2019 by XxKonspiracyxX because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 02:55 AM
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originally posted by: hiddeninsite
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

I sure did. And, you scored big time in my eyes as it was an apocalyptic story. Sorry I didn't give you any feedback that night - I tend to have many distractions at home and then forget everything I was doing and carry on.

I hear you. I don't blame you for not wanting to repeat the cycle and become your parents. Have you tried therapy? I can totally see this being an avoidance thing of getting hurt, having to make hard decisions, and the anxiety is such a controlling thing. I totally get it. Sadly, mental illness (which no one should ever be shameful of) is so destructive to self.

It sounds like Irishman has your back and you have his. I have the feeling that this is the better scenario for you but, only you can answer that.

I wish you well. You can PM me anytime. I'm always here to support people if need be.

P.S. Go ahead and rant if it helps. Feeling overwhelmed is something that just stops me from functioning. Never used to be that way but I think it's from having to have carried so much in my life. And now I just go with the flow because I'll probably just walk into traffic otherwise.


I sooooo appreciate that! You have no idea ^^

Gonna be posting chapter two sometime in the next week or so. I'm gonna try to space it out, build anticipation and such, y'know.



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 02:56 AM
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originally posted by: DigginFoTroof
You were "Pretty damn prominent on this board" you say, with a whole 99 post count - 5 of which are from this thread! Yeah, I'd say you were a prolific poster (/sarc), I'm not sure why there weren't endless threads asking where you dissappeared to when you "left"... SMH. You got a pretty big ego on you don't you.


LOL.....

She has -

Admissions of mental problems.
Dependance on others for quality of life but constantly surrounding herself with problematic personalities.
Quick to accuse Lumenari of patronizing when Lumenari was not - confirmation to us the admissions of mental problems are justified.
Claims to never rant anymore - ??????
Misleading claims of granduer.
Claims that we as a species are no more than horny apes.

She will fit in just fine with about 25% of posters here. Watch her S&F flag soar.....

Please.



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 03:04 AM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

Fascinating post. Reading over it several times and my thoughts after are that you are ranting about yourself.

You have some answers in the thread.

My regards,

bally.



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 03:08 AM
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a reply to: CthruU

Ooo, this'll be fun!

Okay, let's see.

I have...




Admissions of mental problems.


So?




Dependance on others for quality of life but constantly surrounding herself with problematic personalities.


I challenge you to find a person with no problematic personality traits. Go for it. I eagerly await your magnificent findings.




Quick to accuse Lumenari of patronizing when Lumenari was not - confirmation to us the admissions of mental problems are justified.


Was not, huh. Calling me names and stating that I haven't learned his/her idea of proper life lessons seems pretty patronizing to me. Sure, I wouldn't be ranting if I had it all figured out, but come on.




Claims to never rant anymore - ??????


Check the posts on my old account. All from years back, and even the most recent ones weren't in the Rant forums. Pretty self-explanatory, I thought...




Misleading claims of granduer.


Oh, I have got to hear where this is coming from. Tell me exactly where these magical claims are, pretty please.




Claims that we as a species are no more than horny apes.


Again - I challenge you to prove otherwise. Aside from the asexual oddballs of our species, who doesn't fall under the category of sexually able and primate? Are you kidding? That's a fact boiled down to a basic scientific T.




She will fit in just fine with about 25% of posters here. Watch her S&F flag soar.....

Please.


Hope so!



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 03:27 AM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

Quit drinking - then get your life in order 1 day at a time.



posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 03:27 AM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX



Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest
Love of all is happening to me
I found the greatest
Love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all








posted on Jun, 24 2019 @ 04:10 AM
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a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

If it helps I'm going through troubles as well.

I recently split with my Fiancee (her choice) after 9 years.

She turfed mr out with no clothes, no cash and nowhere to go.

I found myself between my Mum's sofa and the back of my car.

The car is on her drive so in some twisted way sleeping there was keeping the ties alive and not admitting its over.

I've had a few weeks of that during which time I've realised that I need to find myself again.

It sounds crass snd believe me I know how people giving you advice you don't want to hear feels, but its true.

I invested my heart and soul into her and her daughter, watching her and indeed us as a family grow.

We went through 4 years of very serious health problems with the daughter but I stuck by them as I loved them both.

Not having them in my life is so bloody painful

Sometimes life delivers a monumental sucker punch but we have to roll with it or go under.

I don't react to change well and also panic driving over bridges.

But if I can do it so can you.

Sending my very best wishes for this time in your life but you're not alone.



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