posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 08:21 PM
Man, it's been a hell of a long time since I've ranted into ATS. I tend to avoid spewing personal problems like plague these days, but this always
eats at me and I just have to speak.
I'm an author. I'm also an American manga artist.
For a few years now, I've been busting my ass on written works (an apocalypse fiction series) and a number of manga series. This is a lot of work and
a lot to accomplish, but I give it my all. After two years of being turned away by publishers (as most writers are), i grew tired and took the route
of self-publishing. I knew it would be harder on me that way, but at least it would be visible instead of just buried from the light of day.
After all this, I've got a couple reviews and some very good feedback, but nothing else. I know this kind of goal takes a lot of time and effort to
find any level of success, but it seems to be the most fruitless thing I've ever done in my life--and it's my dream, my only real passion, which
drives the knife even deeper. The one thing that drives me is the most failed thing in my life.
I'm currently homeless, drifting from place to place and managing mental illness and panic attacks. I have no way of holding down a job or even
getting to an interview--and even if I did, I know from all my past experiences that panic attacks would drive me out the door. Not to mention, I'm
terrified of becoming my parents - both of whom were blessed with the same talents I have, but unplanned children, divorce, and substantial financial
demands drained their time and energy, and their dreams faded into memory. It terrified me to think I may turn into the same thing, spending my life
waiting for life to start, not prioritizing my passion.
It's all personal and sounds whiny, which is why I tend not to talk about it. It seems somewhat pointless sometimes to expend the amount of effort I
do in my doomsday series, but I just love the stories so much, and the idea of others enjoying them makes me happy in a way nothing else can. Not sure
if I'm looking for advice or what... but objective opinions usually help me organize these types of thoughts.
Thanks for reading.