Dinner With A Wife Abuser

It takes 2 to Tango

This would be uncomfortable for me. Do you choke on it and let it go? I think if it were me I might whisper in his ear, “ it takes a real man to beat the hell out of a lady”. But then again women want to be equal, so perhaps you should let the wife handle it.
There is no good answer, but your friend crossed a line when he hit his wife. Statistics say he will do it again. Violence begets violence, or so I’ve heard.

Believe it or not in the south, back in the day, men beating there wives was one of the things that could get you a visit from the clan. After a good whipping many a man was set on the straight and narrow path.

a reply to: loam

I did it once before. I don’t know if it was my words or not but they’re still peacefully together. I don’t have a read on this guy though that’s why I told the OP don’t listen to any of the advice I gave if he thinks the jerk will retaliate. If it’s a one time thing it’s doubtful he will .

Women that go through this with someone they love. Generally get a lot of beatings before they decide to move on.

Not doing anything and sitting on your hands is the worst thing you can do.

It really boils down to his character.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Did you ever think maybe you should take the guy out and see what you can do to get him some help with his problems. People aren't perfect and sometimes they need a friend to help them find the solution to their issues. What good does it do anyone to ride around on their high horse?

a reply to: IAMTAT

Good for you. I appreciate your integrity and willingness to take a stand. I couldn't do it either.

There is an argument to be made that a "better" stand would be to confront the guy, but it may not be the safest or most practical for the wife, especially if she's not ready to leave him. It could just be a literal trigger for more abuse. In fact, almost definitely would trigger more abuse. There's almost nothing anyone can do if the wife isn't ready to take her stand.

For the same reason, even having dinner with them could trigger more abuse, if you said anything or made any facial expression or anything that he took wrong. And knowing what you know makes that more likely to happen. It's hard to hide contempt and disgust.

On the other hand, perhaps your principled position might have a positive impact on the wife. You (and your wife) are being put in an impossible position by her. I know she's in a hell of a position too, but she is being rather manipulative about it. She knows that what her husband is doing is wrong and morally unconscionable, but is basically expecting both of you to accept his abuse and protect her, while she continues to put herself in harm's way and protect him... and nothing good can come of that. But by you taking a stand, perhaps she will re-think her acceptance and approach to this abuse. Perhaps she will find it in herself to take her own stand, which is really what needs to happen. She can't change him -- no one can -- but she can change herself.

Just my two cents. Take it for what its worth. Good luck to all of you.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Since the cat is out of the bag, it is impossible to pretend it didn't happen.

I would not put my husband in the position to socialize with that couple anymore.
Just. Would. Not.
I might/probably would continue my relationships with the woman....but it would be strained if she wants to ignore what happened.

TBH.....how often is too much drinking involved with this couple?
That sends off bells for me.....I don't want to hang with folks who may "drink too much" at events.

Men who absue their wives are low-lifes, even when using alchohol as an excuse. The wife needs to break up with him. The wife has actually put you and your wife in a difficult position.

Not sure how you deal with this, nor the game she is playing, except she probably needs to be honest with you. If you mention that you know (to the guy) then he may beat her sh1tless, which would just cause even more problems. Best establish what she wants, and persuade her to leave.

I would go out with them and then bring it up. Make him explain himself in front of her. Then see if her story changes. I’m one of those people who likes to hold people accountable for their words and their actions. Too many secrets now a days. If he gets angry, he’s not friend material. If she is lying, she’s not friend material. Either way, i get an entertaining evening.

I think a lot of folks need their bull# dragged out in to the sunlight more often.


Give me one good reason why Anyone should keep a secret like that?

The only reason he even still does it, is because no one has confronted him about it. He doesn’t think there are any consequences to his actions.

You might even save her life

a reply to: Woodcarver

Um yeah....nope.

Moreover, not my kind of 'entertainment'.

This isn't something IAMTAT and his wife can fix.

Sometimes one just has to accept water is wet.

originally posted by: loam
a reply to: Woodcarver

Um yeah....nope.

Moreover, not my kind of 'entertainment'.

This isn't something IAMTAT and his wife can fix.

Sometimes one just has to accept water is wet.

Why is that? Is he the type of person who let’s women get beat up?

a reply to: IAMTAT

You are missing a prime opportunity.

Go to dinner, and then bring up sports players. Talk about how you can't believe the stuff they get away
with. You know like beating their wives and girlfriends.
What kind of lowlife scum would lay hands on another like that.
Then you add to it by saying they always blame it on drugs or alcohol but everyone knows it is because
they are weak and insecure.

That my friend, would be priceless. I'd actually pay to sit across the table from that, just to watch!

a reply to: JAGStorm

You have to have a plausible segue way into that kind of conversation though.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Why play games??
Finding entertainment from someone else's misery, is just as douchy as punching someone...especially if they aren't aware.

I would also not want to go.

But maybe normality is what they need. Disregarding your morals may have long term gain for him in the future.

Or you may all get # faced and he’ll go home and hit her again and you’ll feel really bad.

If I talked to him the conversation would go something like this .......

Me: First of all this conversation will go no further than you and I “

“ I heard what happened, what the hell were you thinking ?“

Jerk’s explanation/justification

Me: “ don’t matter, you can’t do that “

Jerk with more justification

Me: “ Do you know what the cops will do? Anybody could call the police your neighbor, anyone on the phone or anyone in shouting distance . The police will show up and if there’s any sign of abuse you will go directly to jail even if she doesn’t want you to. You will be arraigned in the morning and the judge will issue a emergency protection order anywhere from 30 to 90 days even if your wife doesn’t want it . Then they will set your hearing for at least 30 days away in order to challenge the EPO . To pick up clothes and other stuff you will need a police escort to go to the house and will be humiliated in front of all of your neighbors.”

Me “ If there’s no sign of abuse the cops will make you leave for at least the night anyway. The whole process is a way to shame you and people will remember. That’s a tough burden to bear .”

Jerk i’m sorry .

“ sorry don’t matter “

Jerk you’re right .

Me: “You your wife and children’s future is in your hands . You’re on some dangerous ground. Just think hard about that. “

Me:”if you think you’re about to do something stupid. Give me a call first . “

Hopefully at this point the jerk is crestfallen .

Me: “ to bud bottles”


There’s two takeaways from that. If he knows the conversation is confidential the pill will be easier to swallow . Secondly you’re not doing this for him you’re doing it for his wife .

a reply to: IAMTAT

You absolutely did the right thing in saying NO.

I dated a guy that hit me, about 13 years ago it's not easy walking away from love but if you have any self respect left, that's what it takes.

a reply to: Woodcarver

How would he being doing that?

Your plan is completely half baked. The likely outcome of such a confrontation is he will deny it and the wife will defend HIM. Then there will certainly be no future outings together as couples or even individually as friends.

If the husband really abuses his wife, while you had fun with your entertainment, the wife will pay for the consequences later at home. What kind of person does that?

The only reasonable approach to this situation is for the OP's wife to continue to offer support, while not also forcing her husband to socialize with either one.

originally posted by: Fallingdown
If I talked to him the conversation would go something like this .......

Me: Ffirst of all this conversation will go no further than you and I “

“ I heard what happened, what the hell were you thinking ?“

Jerk’s explanation/justification

Me: “ don’t matter, you can’t do that “

Jerk with more justification

Me: “ Do you know what the cops will do? Anybody could call the police your neighbor, anyone on the phone or anyone in shouting distance . The police will show up and if there’s any sign of abuse you will go directly to jail even if she doesn’t want you to. You will be arraigned in the morning and the judge will issue a emergency protection order anywhere from 30 to 90 days even if your wife doesn’t want it . Then they will set your hearing for at least 30 days away in order to challenge the EPO . To pick up clothes and other stuff you will need a police escort to go to the house and will be humiliated in front of all of your neighbors.”

Me “ If there’s no sign of abuse the cops will make you leave for at least the night anyway. The whole process is a way to shame you and people will remember. That’s a tough burden to bear .”

Jerk i’m sorry .

“ sorry don’t matter “

Jerk you’re right .

Me: “You your wife and children’s future is in your hands . You’re on some dangerous ground. Just think hard about that. “

Me:”you think you’re about to do something stupid. Give me a call first . “

Hopefully at this point the jerk is crestfallen .

Me: “ to bud bottles”


There’s two takeaways from that. If he knows the conversation is confidential the pill will be easier to swallow . Secondly you’re not doing this for him you’re doing it for his wife .

exactly this.

originally posted by: loam
a reply to: Woodcarver

How would he being doing that?

Your plan is completely half baked. The likely outcome of such a confrontation is he will deny it and the wife will defend HIM. Then there will certainly be no future outings together as couples or even individually as friends.

If the husband really abuses his wife, while you had fun with your entertainment, the wife will pay for the consequences later at home. What kind of person does that?

The only reasonable approach to this situation is for the OP's wife to continue to offer support, while not also forcing her husband to socialize with either one.

Your approach is to be silent. You would never make it in my circle of friends. I would definitely hold everyone who held this as a secret in contempt. The only way to end behavior like that is to make sure everyone knows about it. Hold those people accountable and never let them hide behind silence. If it comes out that she was being dishonest, or that she left out her part of the violence, then that should be brought out as well. I’m not talking about posting that # on facebook. Just spoken out loud between adults.

If there was a man beating a little girl, would silence even be an option? That lady, your wife’s friend? She’s someone’s little girl. And you are wanting to protect the guy who is hitting her.

a reply to: Woodcarver

Offering the wife help and support in a more confidential manner is not silence.

Doubtful your circle and my circle would work out.