a reply to: The GUT
i wish she told me that she wanted to spend time with me.
i was looking forward to it very much, the deer and hanging out with my mom.
why whole life i have always been very very bad at keeping appointments or other important dates, for birthdays i rely one my family or close
holidays to use as a bookmark to remind me of the birthday.
she think i did it on purpose and just didn't listen. I have battled ADD my whole life and i think it plays a part at my bad date management.
everyone who knows me, knows i have issues keep appointments.
my family watched me suffer an awful relationship where i was constantly spoke down to, yelled at, disrespected etc. my mom especially so.
my whole life my mom has always kind of spoken down to me or when i was very young(8-9 years old) SCREAM at me when my sister and i didnt get moving
in the morning, or when i was in HS i got okay grades and what not but they were never good enough and told me i would end up working at a gas
station. my dad was there when she said that to me and he said "what difference what he does as long as he's happy."
i am the oldest and definitely the black sheep of my family and even more so when compaired to my 2 sister and brother(brother and sister are half
siblings), my full sister is my moms crown jewel and can do no wrong. My mom definitely considers my sister her favorite, i have never seen them get
into a serious argument but my mom with say really nasty things to me or use my emotional soft spots against me.
the plan was to go see the deer and go to the outlet mall to get me some new stuff, i love getting new clothes and shopping in general so it would be
crazy for me to not want to go. i said as much to her but no matter what i said i very didnt listen to her or blew her off.
like i said i have had some chemical dependency issues due initially to being Rx'ed massive amounts of painkillers and benzodiazepines(xanax or
klonopin), and in active addiction people arent the best to be around. I have always been rebellious, for example my 2nd year of highschool she
kicked me out and i lived with my GF's family for over a year and my senior year she kicked me out to my dads because she found a girl in my room and
admitted to smoking pot during the summer.
i haven't lived with my mom after i was 19, and granted i shouldn't have had girls sneaking in my room or smoke pot at 16 years old but i know she
would never have done that to my sister. during HS she would use money as a way to apologize to my sister and i and generally didnt have the most
stable mother/son relationship.
starting in middle school she would always call me my dads name as very nasty attack, i saw my mom and dad fight and knew her absolute distance for my
dad. by doing that she implied i was a bad person and that she hated me and would even tell me that from time to time(hating me)
i just cant take being spoken to and yelled at for very minor infractions, granted im obviously not the perfect son. i always had a hard time
standing up for myself with her.
night star: thank you and i know things well be better but it still hurts.