Finding my Fathers Blood relatives.. Do I reach out

So my father was born in 1951 and he never met his biological father. The story was from my Grandmother that my Grandfather was abusive to her and to my Father so she left him. That was all my father ever knew about his biological father.

My grandmother remarried a few years later and that man adopted my Father and his Sister. My father and his sister took his last name and that is the name I have today.

While my father was in college before I was born his non-biological father divorced my grandmother and wrote my father a letter saying don't ever contact him again and that my father is not his real son. Even though he raised him for 20 years.

My father has gotten over this and it no longer bothers him with the large and healthy family he has today. However, I went searching for his biological father and to see if my father has any blood relatives he has never met. His Bio father is dead but I believe he has some living relatives in California which is where my Grandmother left. One of the people even has the same name as my father because apparently, my father was a Jr. But this person is younger than my father perhaps a younger half brother that my father's father named Jr as well?

So I believe I have found my fathers biological family members. But should I reach out? My father said it would be really cool to speak with them but he doesn't want to initiate the conversation out of fear of rejection. He is afraid that they will think he wants money or something. He is also afraid that they might not know about him and won't care.

What does ATS think? Should we attempt to make contact and if so how? Should I write a letter or try and facebook them? How do you tell someone you might be their half brother without people assuming the worst intentions.

I am an adult adoptee. I found my birth mother at age 35. Yes! Contact them! But...ALWAYS do it privately. You want information, not upheaval.

I have 17 siblings...all because I searched and found! 4 also adopted who I grew up with, 8 half-siblings from birth mother, 3 half-siblings with birth birthfather (& wife), and 2 more half-siblings with Bir thfather (& girlfriend).

i say no way

i do not understand why people think about reaching out and possibly striking up a relationship with total strangers cause they share a little bit of the ole DNA

but i want fewer people in my life not more

Do as you wish. Prepare your self for disappointment in advance. If it works out ok you wipe be happy, if not you won’t be disappointed.

a reply to: PraetorianAZ

Yes go for it my mother recently did as she was a war baby ,My grandmother it seems was naughty and to cut a long story short she did a dna test and found relatives all over the place ,Who weirdly enough are all in the same line of work as her real dad COPS .

Now she has new friends in America ,Australia and few hundred miles from home , happy days for her it turned out , what have you got to lose by trying .

good luck on the quest PraetorianAZ

My best friend was greeted with open arms to his biological family. My two brothers, the oldest had his biological mother reject any idea of seeing her. My younger brother found his biological family and was not impressed as they were bottom of the heap beach bums. My EX found her daughter, but the daughter and family wanted nothing to do with her.

These are the experiences I know of. Many will Not want to be contacted, some will out of curiosity to later regret it, and others will unconditionally.

First off, from my own, and many other men’s experiences, just because a mom tells the kids the father was abusive — does not mean that it was true. Sometimes they lie, to justify wanting a different life. In many cases, they don’t care about what happens to the father and his relationship with his kids, for that matter. Maybe this isn’t the case in your scenario. I’d be interested to know, if you care to share. Does your father recollect being abused by his father?

As for your query: Definitely contact them! You will probably find out more about your heritage than you could imagine. These people could give you great insights. Plus, if your avatar is correct, then you’re in Arizona and they in California. That’s close man. Maybe you’ll find some amazing family / friends and share family reunions together for the rest of your lives. 🍻

Or maybe you could be as cynical as Tinysicktears and just wonder for the rest of your life....

a reply to: KKLOCO

thats the thing

i dont wonder at all

zero time wondering

originally posted by: TinySickTears

i do not understand why people think about reaching out and possibly striking up a relationship with total strangers cause they share a little bit of the ole DNA

Because that DNA can tell you about yourself, including your susceptibility to diseases. If your DNA relatives have a propensity toward heart disease or bladder cancer, for example, you my want to be forewarned about that and take extra precautions. But if you don't care, no one else does either. You make your own choices, which is as it should be, but don't try making choices for people you don't even know. If you want fewer people in your life, try not getting in theirs.

My brother just found me a couple of months ago through 23andme, a genealogy site. We share 25% of our DNA. I did not know my father screwed around when I was in high school, but here he is. He knew his step father was not his biological Dad and had been searching for over ten years. He looks very much like my Dad, who died 15 years ago himself. Since I am the last one in my line, this opened up new blood relatives to me. We're both very happy about it and I now have family heirlooms that will have a home.

OP, if you do contact these people, be sure to give them an out. Let the say okay before you trade information.

a reply to: TinySickTears

I would presume that you have some nasty family members then — as have I. However, when you go from having a lot around you (good and bad), then all of the sudden, you don’t have any, it puts things in to perspective. Blood runs thicker than water.

I know we live in a Fu***** up narcissistic time period. But they aren’t all bad. And you will never know unless you find out for yourself. Isolation is the definition of depression. Trust me, I know.

originally posted by: schuyler
but don't try making choices for people you don't even know.

well the dude asked what we think

thats what i think

a reply to: PraetorianAZ

Why wonder the rest of your life? It's worth a shot.

originally posted by: TinySickTears

originally posted by: schuyler
but don't try making choices for people you don't even know.

well the dude asked what we think thats what i think

'

You asked why anyone would do that and I told you. That's what I think.

a reply to: PraetorianAZ
Go for it, can't hurt to try what with all the ancestry DNA testing going on, what's the harm?
However be prepared for disappointment. Went through this myself. Back in the '80's at my Grandfathers Funeral I asked my Mother who the woman was at Grandpas casket "Oh, that's my half sister" WHAT!! Grandpa was married before?...nobody ever tells me anything, Catholics!?! go figure.
Anywho, a few years ago I finally tracked down my Grandfather's other Grandson on Facebook, made contact...and never heard back from him...

a reply to: PraetorianAZ

Seems like maybe you should contact them on your dad's behalf, without letting your dad know. Then if they want nothing to do with him (but I think that is highly unlikely), then your dad doesn't have to go through that rejection.

Your Dads nervous, why don't you make contact first?

Not on FB, too public.

Try to find a phone number or find their addresses and scope them out first.

Try knocking on their door.

Good luck.

originally posted by: justmeonly
I am an adult adoptee. I found my birth mother at age 35. Yes! Contact them! But...ALWAYS do it privately. You want information, not upheaval.

I have 17 siblings...all because I searched and found! 4 also adopted who I grew up with, 8 half-siblings from birth mother, 3 half-siblings with birth birthfather (& wife), and 2 more half-siblings with Bir thfather (& girlfriend).

That sounds so similar to my wife. She has one sister who is a Cherokee living on the Res on one side and a sister who is married to a Marshall on the other. A brother on her dad's side is a pro gambler we discovered. All sisters on Mom's side that we know about now. Only 6 natural siblings.

GO SLOW is what we found out. My sis-in-laws on the mom's side had mixed emotions at 1st but DNA is hard to deny. The Birth Certificate had the wrong name for the dad so he would be allowed to move on. But she figured it all out and ran DNA tests to confirm and we are a big happy family now.

Best thing she ever did IMO.

originally posted by: schuyler

originally posted by: TinySickTears

originally posted by: schuyler
but don't try making choices for people you don't even know.

well the dude asked what we think thats what i think

'

You asked why anyone would do that and I told you. That's what I think.

i asked no such thing

you felt the need to unload it i guess

originally posted by: TinySickTears

originally posted by: schuyler

originally posted by: TinySickTears

originally posted by: schuyler
but don't try making choices for people you don't even know.

well the dude asked what we think thats what i think

'

You asked why anyone would do that and I told you. That's what I think.

i asked no such thing

you felt the need to unload it i guess

You trying to change history now? This is what you said. And the fact you want fewer people in your life is your issue, not OPs. Nobody asked you.

i do not understand why people think about reaching out and possibly striking up a relationship with total strangers cause they share a little bit of the ole DNA

but i want fewer people in my life not more

originally posted by: KKLOCO
First off, from my own, and many other men’s experiences, just because a mom tells the kids the father was abusive — does not mean that it was true. Sometimes they lie, to justify wanting a different life. In many cases, they don’t care about what happens to the father and his relationship with his kids, for that matter. Maybe this isn’t the case in your scenario. I’d be interested to know, if you care to share. Does your father recollect being abused by his father?

As for your query: Definitely contact them! You will probably find out more about your heritage than you could imagine. These people could give you great insights. Plus, if your avatar is correct, then you’re in Arizona and they in California. That’s close man. Maybe you’ll find some amazing family / friends and share family reunions together for the rest of your lives. 🍻

Or maybe you could be as cynical as Tinysicktears and just wonder for the rest of your life....

The first paragraph, spot on. I would be ready to find people you want to have nothing to do with...THEN you might be pleasantly suprised, or not