How do you get over someone that you love?

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: underwerks

Here is another weird thing that happens.
After you've had a hard break up, swear to all the universe that you are going to stay single and only do you.

I guarantee women will be coming out of the woodwork. It is weird how that always happens. People that are dying to meet somone never do, and people that don't want to meet someone new, will have people coming out of the woodwork.

I met the love of my life that way. I was in a horrible relationship that I thought was love, but it wasn't. Sometimes you don't realize it until you are in a different relationship. It was a string of fate that I had to be in my first relationship to meet my true one.

Also people think they know love. I really don't believe you know true deep down gritty love until you've been with someone at least 20+ years. That sounds like a long time, but it really isn't.

Right now you are probably numb, sick, and can't get outside of your own head. That is ok, you are human. I think too many of us repress our emotions. Let it all out so when you do meet your soul mate you'll be ready, and you will appreciate it so much more.

Thanks for the advice. That does make me feel better. Its been almost a week but I can finally get out and be around people so I'm starting to feel a little better. It still feels like there's a gaping hole inside of me but it's not as bad as it was a week ago.

Thanks for the words and advice everyone. Except for everyone saying I should get farm animals. I think that's illegal in my state.

OR........If you want a good wallow, and who doesn't love a good wallow

sometimes?








ENJOY

one day you will meet your person, i belive in it. I like person which I have no chance to meet in real life

a reply to: underwerks
Acceptance is key, although, easier said than done at times. Letting go is never easy, but fighting it only prolongs the misery and the inevitable. Cut your losses and do your best to move forward with your life or option B, wallow in your dirty diaper and be miserable. You do have choices. Love can be a selfish endeavor, you just have to face the fact that if it wasn’t right for her it would never be right for you.

Im not religious but this prayer has got me through some troubled times.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference

a reply to: mtnshredder

Your post is reasonable and on point, however love isn't rational so in my mind you cannot use rational to explain chaos. Other than that I would agree with your stance.

a reply to: underwerks

I feel your pain Brother.
I'm going through the same thing now.
Great advice on here and I hope you're getting somewhere.
Cheers.

Any kind of relationship that imagines that we can fulfill ourselves through another, is bound to be tricky.

Ideally people should come together already feeling fulfilled within themselves, and thus just appreciating that in the other, rather that expecting the other to supply that well-being, which they don't (but should) feel on their own..." 

- Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo

I was in your boat for a long tine. Not because I had to be, but because there comes a point when you can be choosing the pain by holding on or choosing healing by letting go. And like you, I was absolutely in every way invested in this person. I couldn't let go. Wouldn't. Chose not to. The way I see it, we can get so wrapped up in the idea of something and what our plans are that we allow our brains to just kind of leave out the negative things about someone. And we obsess about certain memories, we come into agreement with thoughts that say we can never have a true connection again. But that's exactly what they are: thoughts. And as smart as we humans may think we are and can sometimes be, our thoughts can certainly be wrong. So that's something to remember. I don't know why your relationship ended specifically but it's going to be a process, you may go from feeling great to feeling horrible to feeling pretty good again and then BAM: Depression. There's no set guide, here, except one: let yourself feel things. From what I've experienced, the hardest thing for me to personally do is face my pain because it's friggen painful and I want to be happy. I think that's normal. So what do we do? We drink, we numb it away with whatever, we try to shove it away and forget about it. Because feeling pain actually sucks. It's hard. It's a lot. Especially if you put yourself on the table, especially if you were vulnerable for this person. That's cutting, it's like death and I'm not trying to sound dramatic. I just understand. So my advice is decide to feel your feelings. Keeping busy and moving on will only be bandaids if you don't deal with what's going on inside of you and time doesn't heal all wounds by itself, in my opinion. Letting go seems way more difficult outside the door than it is once you get in there. Know that your value doesn't depend on anyone or anything, you are valuable, you were born valuable and that'll never change. And there will be a person for you that'll fit in ways and in places that you didn't even realize someone could fit. Right now though? Feel your feelings. Write them down, however it is you process your thoughts. Process them. I know it might sound too simple, maybe silly. But coming from someone who has done literally everything BUT process their feelings, trust me.....it goes a long way. I will pray on your behalf. Goodnight.

a reply to: underwerks

It's painful to even fathom the idea of losing someone you love so deeply; not being able to be with them, by there side. BUT - don't let that bring your individuality down, your own self-respect and self-love. Always remember you are one of a kind and have something great to offer. Don't lose yourself in harmful situations where you may be susceptible to losing self-control. No matter what happens in life, the universe will always unite two souls if they are truly meant to be. Both your paths may be crossed right now, but in time, they may reunite once again. Stay strong and positive.

Think of it this way. You've been riding a donkey up hill with a 30 lb sack of apples on your back for a long time, when suddenly the sack breaks out of the blue and makes the animal jolt in the wrong direction. You get bucked off it and as you're sitting there stunned, you look down and notice the apples were rotten so no big loss right, and the lame animal running gets hit by a truck because you were sold a weak sick creature to bear the sack by a swindling salesman who also sold you on the crappy rotten apples.

Not much logic in holding the pain of loss in so you keep walking up the hill till you reach the top, and by the time you get there you've forgotten the whole scenario you left behind.

haha sorry that's how I've view this stuff now. Anyhow to the poster, chin up life' is to short to worry about loser # ups

a reply to: TGunner

Sage advice TGunner .

I'm getting there slowly . Theres a lot of guff you can read but this Guy puts it so simply I wonder why we all don't get it ...

Dave Weller - Master Your LIfe

a reply to: underwerks

t still feels like there's a gaping hole inside of me but it's not as bad as it was a week ago.

Poor thing, why don't you take another week meandering
around this thread some more. Cheese and rice no wonder she
bailed on your ass you're a sympathy hound and you know what
women don't like? Pathetic! Welcome to the world Pal you keep
milk'n it and it will leave without you.

originally posted by: AmeriCol529
a reply to: underwerks

It's painful to even fathom the idea of losing someone you love so deeply; not being able to be with them, by there side. BUT - don't let that bring your individuality down, your own self-respect and self-love. Always remember you are one of a kind and have something great to offer. Don't lose yourself in harmful situations where you may be susceptible to losing self-control. No matter what happens in life, the universe will always unite two souls if they are truly meant to be. Both your paths may be crossed right now, but in time, they may reunite once again. Stay strong and positive.

Thanks for the kind words. This is all new territory to me. I've never loved anyone the way I do her. I feel like I'm in a dark room stumbling trying to find the exit.

The rest of my life has been going great. My music is taking off, I have songs coming out with some big artists from Nashville, I'm about to release an album and a big local record label is interested in me. And I'm starting a hemp grow this next spring on some land I own and producing CBD.

I have a big circle of friends and we go out all the time. But even in the midst of all this success, it still feels like something is missing. I'll be at a party or at a show hearing the music I produced live and all I can think about is her being there with me. Experiencing all this. I guess when you really, truly love someone it never fades or goes away. I wish I could just know that she's doing ok.

Maybe our paths will reunite one day. I hope you're right about that. I never imagined it was even possible to love someone this much. But I guess that's what real love is.

a reply to: underwerks

There are days where every little thing reminds me of Her.

She even sent me this which hurt quite a bit ...

a reply to: Cymru

The music part was one of the hardest parts for me. I love music so much. And there's still some songs I can't listen to.

I'm in a lot better place right now. Every moment of every day all I want to do is talk to her, to see her face, hear her voice. If nothing else just to know she's ok. But I have faith that what is truly meant to be will be. I know it sounds crazy, but it has never felt like she's gone. I swear it still feels like she's right here with me.

If we never speak to each other or see each other again, at least I got to feel what real love is like for a little while. And that's more than most people get.

originally posted by: underwerks
a reply to: Cymru

The music part was one of the hardest parts for me. I love music so much. And there's still some songs I can't listen to.

I'm in a lot better place right now. Every moment of every day all I want to do is talk to her, to see her face, hear her voice. If nothing else just to know she's ok. But I have faith that what is truly meant to be will be. I know it sounds crazy, but it has never felt like she's gone. I swear it still feels like she's right here with me.

If we never speak to each other or see each other again, at least I got to feel what real love is like for a little while. And that's more than most people get.

I'm with you 100% on this.

There are so many memories , places , people, songs, situations.

We were together years back and bumped into eachother again at random and nine years later we're apart again.

We joked that we were meant to be together but find ourselves parted again

I miss her every moment of every day and need to stop listening to things like this ..

Emotionally, I understand completely what you are talking about - except that at least YOUR situation makes sense - mine doesn't.

So at least you can tell your story and have people relate to it. Be thankful for that.

Sounds to me that you were too RELIANT on her, and you let HER create happiness for you, so you forgot to do it for yourself. You forgot that you can make yourself happy, and then you can have two people join their happiness for a larger happiness together. It seems you were leaning on her to fill everything in your life, instead of finding the courage and wisdom to first fulfill yourself, and then join yourself with someone else for larger fulfillment.

So in other words, from your story, it seems like you were completely dependent on HER to give you everything you want and need in life, without realizing you should first give those things to yourself, and then share yourself with someone to be actually happy. It can be exhausting to be responsible for someone else's happiness, you know. She had to constantly manufacture your happiness..

However, I understand the devastating emotion completely. But I think it's wrong to call it 'love', no matter how much it hurts to think like this. It hurts me too, but I call my emotion 'emotional lust' or 'desire'. There's probably some genuine love in the mix as well, though, as my whole situation started from 100% platonic love that had no selfish parts in it whatsoever.

But the individual-in-question's sudden, unexpected, 'above-and-beyond' KINDNESS was so powerful, it awakened something in me, it was like opening of Pandora's box all of the sudden. And now I am in that broken heart-boat, where I cry about 'the one' in my heart every day, and almost anything can trigger a flood of tears.

Alcohol won't help - I am so tempted, I salivate at the thought of alcohol, and have to expend a lot of energy to not run out the door and buy some - but I know it won't help. Also, alcohol will definitely make you do something you will DEEPLY regret afterwards. When you have extremely powerful emotions inside of you, and then you remove ALL obstacles to what they can do (which alcohol does), the emotions will be 100% in control for a long time.

This situation is so difficult, because it requires so much, and neither of us probably have capacity for much. First we have to realize, that individual is gone. Not coming back. That part of our lives is over. They were NOT right for either of us.

The next thing is to realize they won't be part of our future, our future story can't accept them in any shape or form.

After we have internalized these bits, we need to start building or re-building not only our lives from scratch, but our voids. Whatever she fulfilled in you, whatever my heart's chosen one filled in me, we have to start filling ourselves. We need to find new things to do we have never tried, we need to start building our self-esteem back. Find something interesting in life (almost 3 months later, right now, nothing compares, so nothing is interesting enough, but I have plans.. ).

Even some small things, like visiting a place you never visited before and walking around there for awhile.

It's basically going to be a long road of 'processing emotions' and observing emotions. I actually meditated for around 2 months in a row, pretty much every day (only missed about 3 to 4 days altogether), and I expected it to help a lot. It didn't help almost at all, which was an added shock.

I have tried to find 'replacements', but the situation with that individual was so SUPER-FILLED with all kinds of excitement, socialization, discussions, a certain hobby, certain validations, and SO so so many other things, I don't reckon' there will ever be anything -quite- as 'fulfilling' that can address to so many points in my life simultaneously.

However, I have found 'separate' things to fill SOME of those voids - and they're not as good or exciting, but they're still something, they're doing something at least. If you can find a discussion companion that's not romantic or sexual or exciting, but you can at least have some kind of conversation with, that's fulfilling at least one small part in some small way.

Then just building on that, may eventually lead to a more rich and fulfilling life.

"Finding another girl" is terrible advice - why would you want that? Another girl is not something that will or can heal you (only you can do it), and furthermore, what if you fall for her as well, so then you have two heartaches going on? Also, they might bring more other kinds of problems into your life, and in the end, all you are going to do is COMPARE her with your ex anyway, removing any possibility for a genuine relationship in the process.

If you must have 'another girl', find her when you are happy with yourself and success in conquering this heartache. Not as a solution to a problem (who wants to be a solution to someone's emotional problem anyway? Think it from her perspective)

Anyway, I don't have a surefire solution on how to deal with this or heal or cure this, but I feel that telling my story here in many posts has actually helped me today .. so maybe I can survive one more day.

And there's always sleep.. the day WILL be over at one point, then you can sleep and forget all your heartaches for awhile.

But so far, every day is a struggle, and I don't know how long I can last before the desire to do something stupid and irreversible overrides my will to not do those things.

If we never speak to each other or see each other again, at least I got to feel what real love is like for a little while.

This kind of sentiments and perspectives can help.

My version of that is "We will never meet again, but at least I got to experience what a good human being is like".

However, they can also bring a lot of sadness. Another perspective I cultivate, when I get too desperate, just to console my aching heart, is to use the 'Eternity-perspective', where I realize we're all just living short incarnations, and we meet all kinds of people in all kinds of incarnations, and I may have cried over someone else in a previous life JUST as powerfully, and just forgotten about that individual. What if I cry about someone else in next incarnation, and forget about this individual by then?

Also, what if we can meet inbetween incarnations anyway... without all the emotional baggage, being able to love platonically?

And so on.

"No matter what happens in life, the universe will always unite two souls if they are truly meant to be."

The Universe is already ONE, the separation is just an illusion.

Also, 'uniting two souls' is not as important as what we LEARN from broken heart. We come to incarnation NOT to have a wonderful vacation, but to WORK and LEARN. This is a spiritual work-education camp, and despite short recesses, the reason we are here is to work through our hang-ups, to pay our Karmic debts, to learn life's lessons, to process our karma, to process our emotions, and so on.

'Heartbreaks' are a fact of life for this very reason, they're the very core that lets us work, teaches us things about the Universe and of ourselves, lets us pay our debts, and helps our spiritual growth!

Why would you want to NULLIFY all this meaningful stuff just to .. 'bring two souls together'? If anything, think about how much they can LEARN from being separate?

Souls are not supposed to just 'be together' - that would be STAGNATION. Souls are alive, as the whole Universe is alive, and things are supposed to keep moving and changing, energy is supposed to flow and change color and position and intensity and flux! It's not supposed to just stick to another energy and just ... remain there.

How boring, how dull!

Besides, if two souls "are meant to be together" (and I am not against that idea), it's usually ALSO an opportunity for karmic work and spiritual growth, as I have never heard of a 100% harmonious relationship. Relationships are challengs, they are full of problems, challenges, confrontations, differences, shocks, emotional rollercoasters.. listen to Bill Burr or Paul McKenna - they're both married to the "optimal woman" that they praise a lot - and yet both confess how much work and problems their relationships are full of.

So what are you really saying about the Universe, when you think about it? A romantic, sappy statement designed to lull someone into false sense of comfort, or .. something more alive?

You can be choosing the pain by holding on or choosing healing by letting go. And like you, I was absolutely in every way invested in this person. I couldn't let go. Wouldn't. Chose not to.

As Buddha possibly said, "Feel the feelings, drop the story."

Mind wants to conjure 'comforting' scenarios and stories, to make you feel better, but in the end, it's better to just let the feelings happen and forget the story.

However, it can be very difficult to do, as what you are describing here about letting go - I am in constant WAR against my emotions. It's like I have been invaded, my life has been invaded by something that constantly changes the direction of my thoughts, aims, and aspirations towards 'the dangerous thought'.

It's like a powerful MAGNET pulling me back, no matter how much I decide to 'let go'. It's like "Ok, I will look at this autumn scenery... looks so different from the summer scenery when I cried about that wonderful individual.. AARGH!".

No matter what I do or where I go, suddenly I realize I am back to dwelling in THOSE thoughts, when I thought I could focus on something else already. Or something REMINDS. This powerful magnet tries to pull and push me not only into certain thoughts I'd like to not always dwell on (believe me, I dwell on those enough already), but also certain places and behaviours I certainly don't want to go to.

So, letting go is not so easy, when something keeps always pulling you back. You think you're out the door, but suddenly it's "GET OVER HERE!" and you're back in the middle of the room, sobbing.

But that's life... without pain, life would be completely meaningless. So at least this is something worthwhile to experience.