A very short version of a really true story...

Everyday for the past few years I feel this constant itch, when I say itch I mean like an almost knee jerk to speak but I cannot, I tell myself to be quiet, to stay silent, to behave myself and act normal. Yet im nearly ready to snap in a sense... again because I feel so invalidated by the treatment of others within and without my life that cast judgement.

I really do appreciate anyone that takes the time to read what I write below, thank you, no really, THANK YOU!



Just an extremely shortened version of a true story albeit far from sweet;

Take s*it from people constantly, privately, all your life, get picked apart from youth, just a little piece at a time so as not to be noticeable regardless of how many people you alert, they let you down when you do reach out.

Eventually, you pluck up the courage to run away from home because of the alcoholic family members beating the sh*t out of you and each other, constantly. Spend a decade at the hands of a narcassist, disguised as a saviour, being cut apart piece by piece again.
How to identify narcassistic relationships: It starts with comments like, your friend said this about you, this person doesnt really like you, a family member said this about you and it creeps in over time. Progressing to things like, you are cheating on me, you are not allowed to do the following, if you dont do what I say ill do this and so on.

Then you snap and everyone around thinks there must be something wrong with you.
Well, of course there is! But, it's used against you as usual and the very people you need to support you believe distortions of the truth and distance themselves.

So, you slide back into hiding, move onwards but the narcassist will not leave you alone. Emails, messages, slander, phone calls, threats all done in secret.

You run further, find a new relationship, new friendships and repair broken bonds over a long time (again). Then the same piece of work contacts people you know, slowly picks away at the minds of your social circle but you ignore them as per everyones advice at the time.

Anyone you speak to does the usual, plays it down, invalides your concerns, fears, and laughs off the trauma of pretty much your entire life story etc. You see you cannot ever introduce yourself as "Hello, my name is (XXXN30 I run fake pron sites jk), and ive been through sheer f*cking hell constantly, always and never get peace and quiet".

Fast forward a bit. You repeat the cycle but remain determined to end it once and for all. Ignore it again and again. More threats, more #, more and more and more aaaaannnndddd... more.

Meet someone new, but this time it's someone you have always known, a familiar face from home, you move back home, start to feel safe again for the first time ever, make new friends and so on. Built back bridges, build back the career and then guess what happens...

The same fecking nutcase starts messaging, slandering, contacting your friends and by this point you suffer from extreme anxiety, take panic attacks and try to stay in control of yourself and ignore the fear because you are getting too old to rebuild your whole life again.

You do the so called sensible thing and contact the police: take a 3 hour report (twice) but no further action. One of them tells you to be careful because this person (knows what shes doing).
Then you go to lawyers and they constantly stop you mid-sentence with the advice that this is not something they can help with. You find one that guarantees a stop to it all but the quote is in the thousands which you cannot afford.

Then someone makes a joke (in retrospect, probably innocently enough) when you are really at the end of your rope with things, playing down everything about your entire life story shortly after telling them all of the above during a time of severe distress and... you... well, pretty much fecking snap. But this time, you snap like you have never ever snapped before and a lifetime of # comes out in the form of a blackout.

Now do not take the wrong way, I take responsibility for my own actions now. I have done what I can to rectify for mistakes made where possible, I have tried to repair bridges burned, apologised too but at some point you have to draw a line in the sand and choose the continue or quit button so to speak.

So anyways, let this be a cautionary tale. Do not run, do not chase a dream, do not argue back, do not stand up for yourself, let people smash your head in anytime they want, do not put a foot wrong in life, put up with narcassistic behaviour, bend your knee always, do not fundraise for charity, do not help anyone else for free, do not speak your mind, do not help others with mental health issues, do not do anything other than utterly submit to the will of controlling freaks and last but not least... never ever... when cornered, ever lash out at anyone else, ever... period. Because then you will be labelled as the very thing you have been fighting against your entire life.
Far better to just give up, give in and hold your breath all the time until blue in the goddamned face.

I am however so greatful more than I can ever convey in words to a small amount of people who know who they are. I know I am not alone in experiencing this, I have had a lot of people contacting me about it but I am sorry, I cannot be your poster boy so to speak. I wanted to be and I tried but I failed. Sorry for letting those of you down who shared things with me that can never be shared publicly and will of course never be. It does lift a lot of weight as there have been a lot of times I have seriously wondered if I am quite literally off my head with being gaslighted among other things.

With this in mind and it pretty much taking up the last 25 years or so of my life from being a young pup to an older thing. No matter how many times I try to break free from it all and get anywhere, failure, failure, failure again and again... I AM TOTALLY OUT!!

Only way I can kill a cycle dead, once and for all.

PS: If any of you are ever going through abuse in your life. Do what I should have done, run, f*cking run... It doesnt matter if you have a house with a person, a job through them, a shared bank account, marriage, friends or whatever else it might be. RUN as soon as possible, do not wait as the person will only use things against you the longer you stay. I wish I ran when I was fifteen, cause im still paying for it now and as a male I can tell you having abuse from females all of your life leads to resentment. It doesnt matter if you overcome that in these times we live in you will never ever, ever, ever be forgiven for your mistakes made in fear or desperation no matter how much you try to shine bright.

Also, MODS apologies if the swearing is still there, I have tried to remove but I am deeply Scottish. Swearing is part of my vocabulary, even in job interviews

I tried so hard to overcome the cycle of my family, I really did and I think I have made my small mark but now it is time to quit trying, I really do, give up but at least I battled against the odds and held on as much as I could!

This is my short story, never panned out anything like I thought it would. I only wish to show how much damage the wrong person in your life can do before you, yourself can know it. Good luck to you all and best wishes for the future unless you are hurting another person then ill post another thread *** ** ****

a reply to: XXXN3O

That story seems familiar to me. The girl I knew left it all behind and it has taken years to find herself again. But, she did find herself and learned to speak once more. She is doing well. It just took some time and some deprogramming. She still has some issues with certain things, but they are trivial compared to the problems she used to face.

Hard road you're traveling...wish you much luck. But you should know that you can get through it..she did. I'd probably recommend you seek some counseling if it's possible, at least initially. You don't know how much they've gotten into your head yet..it will surprise you honestly.

Best wishes to you my friend,
blend57

Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving to yourself and others. Easy to say, not easy to do. You need a vacation from it all. We all do at some time. You probably feel very alone going through all this pain, but you really arn't. I hear you and I feel for you. Perhaps a really good therapist can help and guide you to a support group for survivors of alcoholics. You need understanding, listening friends. And maybe quit playing this story in your head; let it go. Make a new future for yourself.
There really is a lot of beauty in this world. Shed the pain and write a new story for yourself. You are a smart, insightful person. You can do this.

a reply to: XXXN3O

When I graduated college I worked with a guy who had an older brother and younger brother. One day I was trying to give him crap just to bother him. He turned to me and with confidence said, "you can't hurt me." There was something really profound in his tone of voice. This guy had really thick skin and there was nothing you could do to rattle him. He ended up being very well liked and successful in our company.

So years later, with my children I tried to convey this valuable lesson and important way of being. I told my children repeatedly as they grew up, "people only take away from you what you let them. DON'T LET THEM." The key is to be absolutely present to people giving you crap and with absolutely no emotion don't let them rattle you. Don't let people take ANYTHING from you. I mean ANYTHING.

My children are teenagers now and they have extremely thick skin. I'm very proud of their accomplishments. I think both have no trouble handling any kind of teasing or BS other kids give them at school. It's a huge victory to have shields against other kids teasing you.

Now I understand you've probably been through a lot bad crap from your story. My advice would be to read a lot of self-help books, do tons of weight lifting until people are physically afraid of you, and repeat this mantra everyday, "I will not let anyone take anything away from me emotionally. I refuse to let anyone hurt me. " Repeat that 1000 times per day until the a holes in your life have absolute zero power over your soul.

A funny thing happens to the people who had success rattling you in the past. Once they see they have no power over rattling you they no longer try. It's amazing!

Alba gu bràth

goosfraba to you too. That clip put a smile on my face, you have a good sense of humor.

I say f those that judge you and make you feel invalidated. With friends like that who needs enemies. I 've had a couple, I'm really sorry you were gaslit , that can do such harm...making you feel crazy and exacerbating anxiety..etc. Not trusting your own judgments. You feel exactly as you should after all that, you aren't crazy.

It looks like you have done a lot of work (hopefully therapeutically) to understand where it came from through your life. It's a huge misconception that a woman cant's abuse a man. Many times through mind f's like this, sometimes physically or even sexually.

Trauma therapy is incredibly validating and can help to fill in the void, answer questions.

Have you done work like that?

Thank you for the replies.

Going to be brutally honest, I was going to pretty much end things tonight, I do not want too either. I have spent the last few months wrapping up all my ends, made sure the people I love will be taken care of etc.

I posted this on here as a last ditch attempt to feel even slightly understood as I cannot stand the anger I feel at both myself and what others have gotten away with. I know that my situation is ultimately my own doing through choices, when it becomes too much it as it is. It is because you lack choices to change things back, be it fault or not but especially the judgement of others.
That is all that matters to me, being heard, cause I can keep going with this torture if I exist. When it feels like im alone to the last person on the planet then it gets hard after a year of it.

To answer some questions, yes I have been to counsellors etc, I am a hypnotherapist/hypnotist myself but regardless I did go and they told me it is normal to feel as I do with being through what I have. This did not really help and made me feel much worse because it is still going on with the above already mentioned.

I feel at constant battle with the man I am, the man that can visit every single one of them now and beat the living s* outta (clears throat)....
versus the sensible or intelligent mind I have knowing the truth of things, that I am not a bad person despite what others listen too...

A very difficult path and I wish I could just cut it away. I just pray that one day, I can be content and make other people laugh or feel good about themselves too, that was my dream and still is no matter how much I try and bury it in real life in front of others that ask if I am alright.



PS: do not worry, in what you say here, im not going to blame anyone for saying something. Im not crazy, im just really hurting, more than I ever have

If anyone is wondering what I did, I punched my fiance in the face and got arrested for it whilst scheduled to make a TV appearance in the UK. We are still together over a year later, it has not happened again, I have done what I can not for my career but behind the scenes and relationship. I have not even done a show since but everyone is still judging me for it. Better to be truthful than string it out I guess. Wondering how the replies will change now and do not get me wrong, I did not post this with false intentions or revelations later in mind, im just at a loss really and disgusted with myself for doing what I did...

a reply to: XXXN3O

Don't give up. Life is suffering. I think this story may help you:

"A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him. Above him, he noticed two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. Just then, the man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!"

Your strawberries are sitting there you just have to reach out and pluck them!!

And if you really are up for the challenge this book will turn your greatest character weaknesses in your greatest strengths:

www.amazon.com...

I like this story too:

One day a wise Cherokee father was talking to one of his son about a battle that goes on inside of people. He said, "My friend, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One wolf is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other wolf is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

His son thought about it for a minute and then asked his father, "Which wolf wins?"

His father replied, "The one you feed."

originally posted by: XXXN3O
PS: do not worry, in what you say here, im not going to blame anyone for saying something. Im not crazy, im just really hurting, more than I ever have

If anyone is wondering what I did, I punched my fiance in the face and got arrested for it whilst scheduled to make a TV appearance in the UK.

Obviously you are penitent. Absolution can only come from her. She may not forgive you. If that is the case you need to move on. You made a mistake. But it is not the end of the world. You can still get your crap together, find love, and live a happy healthy life.

But don't make any rash decisions when you have reached the bottom. This is the time you need to BE where you are. In the future, this moment will be the source of your greatest strengths!



Compassion is broken now
My will is eroded now
Desire is broken now
It makes me feel ugly
I'm on my knees and burning
My piss and moans are the fuel
That set my head on fire
So smell my soul is burning
I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy
I have swallowed the poison you feed me
But I survive on the poison you feed me, and it leaves me
Guilt-fed, hatred-fed, weakness-fed
It makes me feel ugly
I’m on my knees and burnin'
My piss and moans are the fuel
That set my head on fire
Dead in… side
# adds up, # adds up
# adds up at the bottom

[Spoken interlude: Henry Rollins]
If I let you, you would make me destroy myself
In order to survive you, I must first survive myself
And I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you
There’s no choice but to confront you
To engage you
To erase you
I’ve gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain
I will use my mistakes against you
There’s no other choice
Shameless now, nameless now, nothing now, no one now
And my soul must be iron
Cause my fear is naked
I’m naked and fearless
And my fear is naked

Dead inside, dead inside
Dead inside, dead inside
Nameless now, shameless now
Nothing now, no one now

# adds up, # adds up
# adds up, as you see me
Naked now, fearless now
Naked now, fearless now

# adds... # adds...
# adds... # adds up it leaves me
Dead inside, dead inside
Dead inside, dead inside

Hatred keeps me alive
Hungriness keeps me alive
Weakness keeps me alive
Guilt keeps me alive at the bottom

a reply to: dfnj2015

[To add] She forgives me, ive known her since we were in school, she knows all of the "crap" too. Since we were kids at 5 years old, has witnessed some of it when we were younger. She is stronger than I ever will be, that I have learned and I am learning from it all.

Thank you. I know Zen parables well now and the story of the wolves

Did not know the book however, will get my paws on it, thanks

These days they tell you if you focus on yourself you are narcassistic yet develop yourself
do the following... love your fellow man/woman/person (cannot get that right), yet crush the competition?
Blood is thicker than water but you can choose your friends not family...

Cognitive dissonance.

I really did not think id become a monster, tell you that. Yet here I am, the villian

Can be summed into one eloquent sentence...

a reply to: dfnj2015

Can relate to the lyrics there.

I just look at what I used to be now, what I used to do and circumstances that happened that pushed me alongiside poor choices into something I utterly hate even with forgiveness. Feels like I can never move on from it. I used to like myself, now I hate myself if you get me.

Appreciate the reply, ive never felt so alone in my life



I know that to have a real life again I probably need to give up my dream of entertaining. The problem is that nothing does it like standing on a stage for me having been through the crap in my younger life. People say just do it, but im honestly for the first time in my life scared too now.

It is even worse by the fact I nearly made it, I know I can make people laugh and have fun etc. You know the whole am I decent or crap, I overcame that and got the great reviews etc, was all happening. But the rejection for personal life is the killer when people do not know the full story, only the mess up. Along with the constant stalker, never stopping.

a reply to: XXXN3O

Hang in there OP, things can only get better.

Life is difficult at times, but love is stronger. Love is many things such as forgiving, fortitude when you feel like giving up, courage when you are afraid, and strength when you are feeling weak.

You are not the only person to ever fall off a cliff in your life. We all make mistakes. Embarrassing ones, bad ones, evil ones. You have to forgive yourself. You obviously have a conscience. Sounds like you have made penance for hitting your fiance and hopefully got the help you needed. She must be a kind, forgiving person. Families are difficult; mine own included. I don't talk much to my birth family and I am divorced with two difficult adult children. As you get older you do tend to see a bigger picture of your life and usually learn to forgive yourself and others for not being perfect.

Perhaps you just need a new beginning. If things, people, job arn't working out, make a new dream. How about something you have always wanted to do, live, accompish. Be narcississtic and take care of yourself.

You are not alone. I am here all night; not that I have the insight or wisdom of those above. But I do care, deeply for you-flawed persona and all-just like the rest of us.

a reply to: Justso

a reply to: Sheye

Thanks

a reply to: XXXN3O

PS: do not worry, in what you say here, im not going to blame anyone for saying something. Im not crazy, im just really hurting, more than I ever have

If anyone is wondering what I did, I punched my fiance in the face and got arrested for it whilst scheduled to make a TV appearance in the UK.

That's pretty serious. You may just have to be a monk.

www.youtube.com... in case of error message.

This trailer seems kind of cheesy, I don't remember the movie being that cheesy.
Since your fiancé is still with you, that complicates matters.

Maybe at the least, get a copy of this movie and watch it with her. Ask her what she thinks.

In the least of least, you and she can at least role play. Talk to animals and such.

Well, that's all I can think of really. Good journey to you.

Don't you ever give up! I can see you are overwhelmed and can understand why. There are many people here who care Hun.

People can do so much damge to others and it a damned shame! Do not let anyone destroy you to a point where you lose hope. You can get back to your carreer in time. I believe that. Right now you have to believe in yourself, not the horrible words spoken to you from those who don't know crap. You did not deserve the treatment you have recieved at the hands of others!



Feel free to PM me anytime for any reason. I mean that sincerely.

Stick with the people who will build you up not tear you down. Stick with people who will love and appreciate you, inspire and lift you back up again where you belong, who will fill your life with light so that you may shine bright again. I am upset that others have done this to you, treated you so badly that it has come to this. Take their power away and leave them behind. They are toxic. As for the stalker, there must be something you can do, file a restraining order or something.

You have friends here who care and I think you know that, or you wouldn't have reached out in this post. We are here for you.

a reply to: XXXN3O

Please keep on keeping on. You are a beautiful person even if you don't always feel that way. Please talk to someone, doesn't need to be a professional but that might be a good option too. I'm glad you did it here. The reactions were a joy to read.

I have no advice. We all must find our own way, sometimes alone and unaided, but asking for help is not a sin (and yes, I hate asking anyone for any kind of help, then again I'm old and stubborn.) and there are people (professionals or perhaps a friend) that can help you. I do not believe that a problem shared is a problem halved but it is sometimes good just to express it.

Your feelings are normal, what you have experienced is not. Unfortunately life like to fling poo at us sometimes.

I wish you well.


ETA Goosfraba!

a reply to: XXXN3O

Hang in there buddy, its gonna be okay, no matter what happens, I promise. ❤ That's right, I did that. One big fat red heart, from one man to another, and I really don't care what anyone thinks about that. You're a human being, in a lot of pain, and I'm a human being too, so... you know... I don't have to say it. You get it. Right? Alright, # it. I love you. There I said it.

Cheer up, bro. Its gonna be okay. As long as you never give up on yourself, you WILL find answers, peace, solace, I KNOW it. I believe it.

EDIT- Just wanted to add, I did read all your posts in this thread before replying. THAT, and: goozfraba... goozfraba... goozfraba...

Goozfraba Forever.

We all make mistakes. Some worse than others, but none of us are perfect.

You should not hold yourself to that one moment in your life when you were at your lowest. No matter who we are, if we do that, it will break us.

Be honest with your fiance, seek forgiveness, show by your actions that you are contrite. Find hobbies that make you happy, and people that do so as well. Live your life knowing you are no better or worse than anyone else.

No matter how bad things get, know that you have something to offer someone out there. The world will be less off without you. You are important. It may not be today or tomorrow, but you have the ability to change someones life for the better.

Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope that by the responses you have gotten, you can see there are many people out in the world that are not too judgemental and know we all fall at times.

a reply to: XXXN3O

These days they tell you if you focus on yourself you are narcassistic yet develop yourself 

Was just reading over your words again seeing if I missed anything...

I have thought about similar things lately.

Think about this. Every human being, every healthy, normal human being craves love, attention, human interaction. This is a redundant truth that doesn't need to be spoken aloud. We all know it. There's nothing profound about that statement. It's like saying humans breathe oxygen. No major revelations there.

But then... why is it, when someone is perceived as seeking attention, they're called "attention whore"? Why are we pretending we don't All want attention when we so clearly do?

Why is it when someone is perceived as seeking out love, wanting to love and be loved, they are called "creepy"? Why is it "weird" to Express love for another human? Why can't one man tell another man "I love you" without people assuming there is a sexual gay element to that love?

Why can't we all just love eachother and give eachother the attention we need? Why do I feel like there is a barrier stopping this from happening? Why am I Already starting to doubt myself as I type this?