Alas introspection

Because I wished to have a conversation





I am humbled.

Not because altruism fed my recalcitrant soul, rather, such a state of mind is all that remains when pride and self worth have been swallowed full, digested until even hunger’s ravenous pit became empty and meaningless.

I have allowed my face to turn away from exaltation, not finding grace within I mistakenly believed there was none to be found. I wallowed in hurt, crying out...railing in self imposed agony.
Why is there no love for me? Thinking that love might fall down from the heavens like a warm, rain.
Rather, love flows up from my core, out into the wild, into the world, gone, much like that final ray of light as dark peoples my heart while my soul grieves.
I have searched for something more tangible than ephemeral. My grasp drawing nothing from the air, only empty arms stretched across the breadth of the night sky, only yearning for companion.

If I let loose the all, nothing remains.
As empty as an unfilled vessel, a suit hung out to dry on a long forgotten line, while a cold wind blows through shirt and pant alike, through the tendrils of my torn spirit.
Shivering...I am chilled by this realization.

What use wailing, crying out to that endless night sky, to the stars and their kindred planets, to the entities that my mind people’s those uncaringly poignant heavens with.
They never answer, I never have heard one single syllable uttered in my direction, only imagined conversations held within the confines of self. No sympathetic symphony for me, no music of the spheres, nothing.

I am void. Filled only by the memory of an empty life, I reflect back only place. A mirrored breadth of location where I am not represented. So empty. I am a chalice, upended. Blow wind, send me scurrying like a leaf, skittering without aim or purpose, adrift in speculative silence.

So I drift, rocked in the eager arms of melancholy.

Melancholy however wears a face whose features though at first indistinct, yet time and familiarity cause those features to slowly reveal themselves until they stand out, sharply contrasted against their former NPC expression.

Like that mirror, I stare down self.

This then is that ennui moment, that moment where understanding intrudes and clears it’s throat as interjection claims an attentiveness previously lost in introspection.

I am the author of all I am.

Thus breeds humor.
Laughter roils up like a geyser, inundating every consideration ever held, cleansing my previous bile filled rhetoric, as the pages of my life float sodden in the current of a moments passing.

I am the imp that wrote each glimmering stanza, that read the lyrics and played that part upon the stage.
Again laughter explodes like a volcano whose pyroclastic flows consume geyser, spray, and sodden page alike.

Then, aflame, I rise from the ash of all that has gone before and spread wings of fire.

Rising into a morning whose brightness brings tears of joy, brighter still I flee my self inflicted bonds and rejoicing, rise above the all that I had been, a Phoenix, born anew.








YouSir

Good work

a reply to: YouSir

yousir.......are a diamond amongst the turds of earth.

a mind of silk injecting salve onto my sackcloth memories of dark days.



f.

a reply to: YouSir

There was a time … when a girl found it necessary to give me a cassette tape of Neil Diamond songs.


but that's only part.
the other may be:


Yep! I think so.

a reply to: RoryRahl23


Ummm...thank you sir...much appreciated...







YouSir

a reply to: fakedirt


Ummm...that sounds a little too much like “pearls before swine”...

Thank you my friend...I look to one day live up to such high praise...

...





YouSir

a reply to: pthena


Ummm...thank you Pthena...I am honored by the comparison...it’s good to know your not so alone...in the midst of loneliness...

I started this piece about six months ago after having been stargazing one clear crisp night...I finished it this morning while drinking my coffee and chowing down a blueberry muffin...

It’s never good to leave things half finished...






YouSir