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Do you understand yourself?

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posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 12:58 PM
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a reply to: hiddeninsite




I don't mean to be insensitive but it is not healthy for you to play therapist for your mom.


Oh I know. I had to put a stopped to her treating me like one when she started telling me about the rapes. I can be her shoulder but not a therapists.

i was the first person she ever told. Her 33 year old son. Yikes. Talk about things I don't need to know and am not qualified to help her with.

What's funny is that emotional therapist was once a career option for me.




posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 01:40 PM
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originally posted by: scraedtosleep

Now that you know that here is my rant.
This person who is finally kinda happy after a lifetime of misery is getting old.


She is ageing with some health problems and probably very aware of it so

doesn't need the fact rubbed in ..... but she is not old.



So her body is falling apart. We will all experience this at some point. But mom doesn't seem to be caring about her physical impairments. For example: She almost can't hear at all anymore. The state pays for her hearing tests, that she did take, and for her hearing aid. The only thing she has to pay for is 20$ monthly for the batteries.
She refuses to wear them.


There are hearing aids ...... and there are hearing aids? Usually what the

state allows for are cumbersome, but if you ask there are tiny and very

discrete ones, and even some state of the art ones, which will probably

be more expensive, perhaps you can pay the extra for the better ones or

on some sort of credit scheme? as for the batteries could you not change

these when she has gone to bed or at another time when they are out ?

She may have her living costs costed out where even 20 a month would mean

going short somewhere else.



I try to explain to her the dangers of not being able to hear when you drive but the look on her face is like she doesn't understand what I'm saying, or can't hear me. She just acts like she is listening. If the truth is that she can't hear me and doesn't say so , why ? Why would anyone do that??


You dont need to explain anything to her, she will be aware, she is hanging on to

her independence for dear life! She is your mother....... and from what I get from

your post you are making her feel old inadaquate and useless ......



But if the truth is that she just doesn't understand that there is danger in what she is doing how do I prove it to her with out her shutting down? Because I'm a guy. And she is terrified of men.


From your post and what you have done for your mother she may be terrified of men

but I doubt she is frightened of you (unless you are prone to fits of temper?) She will

shut down if you are patronising rather than discussing things with her.

One thing is through experience's may be she has onset dementia? Its

worth considering?




I have only ever tried to be patient with her. I never even yelled at her about the neglect or that she never stepped in to stop my step dad from beating on me. What I did was apologias to her for running away and acknowledged that I hurt her when I ran.


Well done its in the past now ......leave it there.




But even so, even when I am super careful with my wording and calm this person doesn't seem to understand or care or hear what I'm saying about there actions being dangerous.


You have to take steps to remove dangers without being patronising or drawing

attention to the fact you are doing so, as I said earlier she is clinging on to her

independence.



Others include leaving lit candles on a shelf in a closet with clothing hung above the candles.


Remove them on the quiet get torches extra table lamps? I have a set of what

look like church candles, with the flickering but they run on batteries.


Literally refusing to ever drink water.



This is where you need to box clever. Diluted fruit flavors are mostly water, so

orange for breakfast, and you could make a new family ritual (both of you) buy

some nice/pretty glasses fill with ice and water slices of orange or lemon (you

can even make the ice cubes with fruit in them) Both of you spending quiet family

and talk/gossip time ?



She also has night blindness but still drives at night for super unimportant reasons, like she wants a soft drink.


Me too the night blindness...... she won't need to go for soft drinks if you follow

the above paragraph kill a few birds with one stone?



Recently her arthritis has spread into her shoulders. Making it very painful for her to turn her head to the left. She can now no longer look behind her while driving.


There are things that can help arthritis such as injections and glucosamine

supplements look in to it my mother had it.


She is refusing to let me drive her around.


Her independence like I have already said......dont offer to drive her put it

another way such as I'm going near there lets go together, have a bite or

something?


Am I wrong to feel like this is so important? It's the idea that she might kill someone in a car wreak that is pushing me to rant here. If she killed herself then it was the choice she made and I'll be ok with that. But if she hurts someone else I'm not sure if I would feel the same way about her as I do know.


You've made up for your past indifference. If you treat her as a person and

not an incompetent old woman she will quite happily revoke her licence

of her own accord when she feels ready and she will know when that is.The very

worst way to treat an ageing person is to patronise them and make them feel

useless and ready for the knackers yard.

edit on 5-3-2019 by eletheia because: (no reason given)

edit on 5-3-2019 by eletheia because: (no reason given)

edit on 5-3-2019 by eletheia because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 01:46 PM
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OOP's gremlins.

edit on 5-3-2019 by eletheia because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 01:53 PM
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a reply to: scraedtosleep

That is a great idea.

From our experience, we knew his driving was dangerous and we had tried for years to get his doctors to take away his license. And it wasn't until the start of dementia began did they take us seriously and when it happened it was almost like a relief for him, at which point he admitted to the horrifying close calls he had come to involving children, other motorists, speeding through working road construction sites. We had no idea how close he had come to killing people.



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 03:05 PM
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Another thing you might want to look into is see if you can get state aid for a home health aid. You can specify a woman, and make sure you are always around until your mom is comfortable. A nurse to help her with some things might set a relationship that will allow for some of those things she's sticking with you on to get done because that would be a different dynamic. You are, after all, her son, and that will always be between you.

And you might also start shopping for retirement communities too depending on your means and what she is eligible for. There are some out there that allow for independence and assistance to scale with the needs of the resident. Some even have a memory care unit in the same place, so if you got her into one, she would theoretically never have to move again if she liked where she was. She could go from being entirely independent to adding small assistance here and there as needed to more as she needs it to a memory care even if that was the case.

It would take a lot of shopping around though to find the right place and you would have to completely involve her so she has ownership too. That means she would have to be on board.

I also agree that she needs to use her therapist and not you for her personal problems.



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 03:47 PM
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originally posted by: scraedtosleep
a reply to: olaru12




You have to call the cops to take away her car keys.


Doing that would damage her . Losing that sense of independence she may never recover. All these years of helping her become happy would be undone.

But it might come to something like this if things get worse.


It already is worse. I was hit as a pedestrian by a mini van driven by a deaf woman. Between your Mom's inability to hear or turn her neck properly...it is extremely dangerous. I became disabled after being hit by a mini van driven by a deaf woman and have suffered with pain for many years.

You are an amazing Son and I'm sure it is overwhelming for you at times, but please consider all the wonderful options and advice from people who have replied in here. You and your Mom will be better off. I wish you luck and peace.
edit on 5-3-2019 by Night Star because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 04:13 PM
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a reply to: scraedtosleep

I can totally empathize with you on a number of levels.

My only suggestion is for you to seek therapy.
I made the same suggestion to my best friend that was in a horrible marriage. Her husband refused.
She eventually went and it made a world of difference.

Take care of yourself first, seek help and then you will be fully able to make the right choices for your mom.
Which by the way sounds like she really does need more help than you can provide.



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 05:31 PM
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She sounds like a prize pain in the bum and in your shoes, I'd be inclined to tell her so.



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 06:56 PM
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a reply to: scraedtosleep
edit on 3/5/2019 by r0xor because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 08:09 PM
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a reply to: scraedtosleep

Seems clear to me you need to recruit a female ally in your area. She wont listen to a man in her current state.



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 08:53 PM
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Also, you have my respect, that sounds like a very very difficult situation to be in... I'm sorry, man.

JAGStorm has good advice and is a wise person.
edit on 3/5/2019 by 3n19m470 because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 08:56 PM
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a reply to: 3n19m470

I'm used to it so it's not as hard on me as it seems from outside. but thank you.



posted on Mar, 5 2019 @ 08:58 PM
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a reply to: 3n19m470

My sister and my mom have no real relationship at all. They never speak. But it just so happens that my sister just moved back to our city just recently.

I'm going to try and get her more involved in moms life. Would probably do my sister some good as well.



posted on Mar, 6 2019 @ 01:31 AM
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a reply to: scraedtosleep

have you asked her doctor to write her a "no driving" order? in some places, DMV is notified when a no drive order is written by a doc.



posted on Mar, 6 2019 @ 01:50 AM
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Also OP, I wanted to say you're doing a wonderful job and clearly you have grown to be a wonderful man, which does not always happen when one has difficult childhood circumstamces. You're doing such a good thing for your mom. I can only begin to imagine how much you do and how much you're sacrificing. GOOD JOB, StS!



posted on Mar, 6 2019 @ 04:39 AM
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Just adding a couple of things.

Have you ever had a phone on speaker-phone and at just the right pitch of voice and volume, they get a real painful piercing squawking type sound? Hearing aids cut out certain frequencies and boost others but they can become very tiresome and agonizing. Also, the fit can be very uncomfortable and annoying.

Obviously, she is at odds with her bodies limitations, she doesn't want to feel... any of the oncoming signs of a downhill trend. But next time she gets in a car, you are obligated to call the police. Love hurts I guess.



posted on Mar, 6 2019 @ 01:10 PM
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a reply to: KansasGirl

i didn't know I could do that.

She and I have the same family doctor.

This is something I could try. Thank you.



posted on Mar, 6 2019 @ 01:12 PM
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a reply to: KansasGirl




which does not always happen when one has difficult childhood circumstances.


I'm the poster child for the debate over nature vs nurture. lol



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