a reply to: misterassist69
there really are no words for it especially cuz i keep saying and believing this is all a curse from God
That is the negative perception you are having which you are aware of, awareness is a good thing even if its being aware of bad things that you
maybe have no control over.
try looking at it as a test if you believe God is involved which according to my beliefs God is everything and everywhere all the time.
God has no limits.
At times we experience things that can make or break us.
Do you know your purpose in life?
I am a few years ahead of you but am still searching and have fears that soon my only companion, my dog, shes getting to that age where she will have
I fear that I wont be able to go on, and have had thoughts that I may end it for myself soon after.
Something doesn't allow that though, as I have gone through that situation a few times, where I thought I was suicidal but the more I searched within
the more pain and darkness I found but at the same time also found that I cant let go of this life until I can find a purpose I am satisfied with.
I keep coming to the understanding that this life I am living is a test, be it from God or whatever controls/created/ or is influencing this reality
in a way that doesn't give answers just allows me to keep asking questions.
I have done and said things that to me are hard to live with,
I have anger issues, I have had substance abuse issues which in turn made my anger issues much worse.
I used to have another Dog, he died in 2012. He was only 6 years old but had issues with his legs, he had surgery and was a big dog, a rottweiler
66kg. after he would need help at times to get up if he laid down in my corridor because of the wooden floor, it was slippery so if he did lay down
there, more often than not he needed help to get up, nothing really hard for me to help him but 2 days before he passed he did that, was sleeping in
the corridor and I was having....you could say an episode, where everything just pissed me off, I got so upset with him for being so stupid as he
knows he struggled to get up but did so because he would need my help, he did it so he could get my attention like any dog would if their owner
ignored them more than they should.
I got so upset, that I said... its hard to repeat this without becoming emotional as I am still struggling to forgive myself.
I said.... "When are you just going to die."
That was actually the 3rd time in the space of less than a year that when I was having my own issues I would say something very nasty to someone I
loved more than anything.
That last time I said it was on a Friday and on Sunday just before 1 pm Tyson was outside, I went out and he was laying in the backyard half on the
grass and half on a concrete path I have going to the garage.
I asked him, are you OK and said let me help you to get on the grass, why lay on the concrete.
as I helped him up he looked into my eyes and a lot of water started to come out of his nose and he dies right there in my arms in just a few
I believe my words that I spoke to him 3 times are what killed him, its stupid to believe but I feel I need that to remind me when I get angry not to
let it overcome me where I might say something I will regret for this life and probably every other life I may live if reincarnation is real.
From that pain I have it gives me strength to keep going I have to forgive myself but I am not ready to so I must go on.
That is just one painful experience I have had,
My father is an alcoholic and I have had some very bad expedience throughout my life with him when he was drunk
Things that one could say bring us closed to death, but I am still here and so is my father.
We have a good relationship but I think we are both afraid to really open up to each other.
Life is one big test with many little tests inside of it.
for me writing this makes me realize that one little test that I have been thinking about for a while is when are we going really open up to each
other, I want him to take the first step but I think because of the guilt he may have he is afraid to open up any old wounds which is the same as
myself in a way.
I am sharing a bit of the pain I have gone through which living through it has strengthened me because I am still here, alive and kicking and I hope
it can give you just that little nudge to be where you need be.
My issues with substance abuse have come and gone,
It took a while after Tyson died but I cleaned myself up for about 2 year s and 2 months and then started smoking again.
I was stoned for about 2 years while not being to happy with what I was doing and just recently have made a change and am sober again.
I think I have mental issues, well yes, the anger issue is one of them but there are other things as well.
Substance abuse wasn't helping overall even though it did in the moment.
I know I am not alone and there are many out there with much much worse to deal with every moment of the days they have to suffer, be it to where they
live due to wars they wish were not happening or any other number things that makes life hard.
It all points to being a test not a curse, I actually used to think that but with enough looking within and never stop asking questions even if the
answers don't come at times when you really them I have faith that will come and for me its always been much later, when the questions aren't asked
and things happen like coincidences that make you realize.... WOW.. and you ask yourself did that just happen, did I just get the answer to a
question I asked to help me get through a time when it was tough.
Its strange and I still don't get why I am here and why I am still alive, but like I said, I am
there has be a deeper purpose in my life.
If there is for me then there must be one for everyone.
It seems the harder ones life and the more they fight to get through to the other side where the sun is shining the better understanding they will
find after they get through and see the sun shine if you know what I mean.
I ma saying this as a metaphor, where you maybe and where I was too many times was a dark cold place that is very uncomfortable and unbearable if
you get through it you find it will get easier and eventually you will understand why.
For me its strengthened my faith in a higher power and in myself.
there are hard times ahead but the more we fight and more faith we have in ourselves the easier it becomes to get through, its never easy but to try
an explain whatever I am trying to say in long rambling post its the only word I can think of to express myself.
edit on 18-2-2019 by InhaleExhale because: (no reason given)
edit on 18-2-2019 by InhaleExhale because: (no reason
edit on 18-2-2019 by InhaleExhale because: (no reason given)