a reply to: Dwoodward85
I probably wouldn't have been able to get through the worst of it if it wasn't for many people like yourself who have clearly gone out of their way
and giving up even minutes to write a comment to help pick up my spirits and to urge me to keep going.
I have to apologize as I began writing a massive post but couldn't post it for reasons of weakness is how I can explain it.
I have looked at this thread every time I log in which is at least 3 days at the beginning of each week to see how you were going.
I can't go into details because I don't want the mods to remove my comment but I could feel myself walking into a much darker place than I wanted to
be and each comment and reply was like ropes around my waist dragging me away from said dark place.
My post was going to actually be directly about that or something there abouts.
not sure if its because there were many others giving you strength or when I spent about an hour composing my post it brought up thoughts and emotions
that may have been too overwhelming so I chose to observe from the darkness, not be seen or heard instead of releasing and sharing the pain I have...
still do at times, so engaging in these thread is sometimes hard, but you were in a lot of pain and if I would have shared mine which to me I believe
I deserve and need to live with so as to not make the same mistakes again, I can never let go.
I briefly explained what I did and what happened here to another poster that seems to be having a lot to deal with at the moment, I read your words
and other people posts and believe you were in very good company,
Heck just having nightstar here is enough, the love she spreads jumps out of the screen and you can actually feel the warmth in their words.
in the link below is where I briefly share some of the pain I need to live with, I could go into much more detail but doing so does hurt so I just
live with the reminder of it to keep me from ever doing something along those line ever again.
I was going to share that and the amazing thing that happened a few months later when I had lost all faith and was where you imply you were, maybe
I should have but its hard to relive the moment when you dog dies and at the time a few weeks ago when you needed it I didn't have the strength, so
again I am sorry but it looks like things are heading towards a brighter day than the darkness that you experienced just recently.
I will share what I experienced that brought me back into the light so to speak.
If you read what I posted in that other thread about Tyson and the things I said to him I think any person with a heart could sort understand the pain
I caused myself by what I said, In a way I want to be told how much of a demon and evil person I am and I could try and justify my words and actions
due to the issues I had/have and live with but with the few I have shared this with, everyone's humanity shines out and they show so much love to
combat the hate I have for myself inside.
Just after Tyson passed, My sister came over every day for about 3-4 weeks to grieve with me.
It was in the new year (Tyson passed on Dec 2nd, 2012) so Jan, 2013.
I didn't see my sister for about 3 weeks and in that time things got very dark, very dark.
I was always a person with deep spiritual beliefs
they simply vanished, don't know if if was over those few weeks or I just woke up and realized...
the world is material, there is no afterlife, there is no spirit, there is no God.
when we die we just rot in the ground there is no meaning to the cycle or recycling of life and death.
At the time I had and still do have another Rottie, Sonja, she just turned 10 just under a month ago.
I cant remember her or how she was coping with loss of her boyfriend, I try so many times but that short period of about 3 weeks was very dark.
All I remember is that one day things got so dark I just wanted to be alone, I didn't want Sonja around I couldn't have her around for what I wanted
IT was in the morning after waking up when it happened
I rang my sister, I said you need to pick up and take Sonja, I don't want her. I just cant look after her.
She said that she had the phone in her hand and was about to dial to call me because she needed to see me and tell me something.
she basically said to shut up and wait
(wow, im tearing up bad typing this)
Deep breath......... OK
She said she will be there (at my place) very soon, she was already ready and was about call me to say she is coming over as the phone rang (me
calling her ready to give up everything, you know what I mean?, everything)
In 10 minute so so she arrived, we live in the same area.
She comes in and says , these are her words or very close to what she actually said to me
"You know I had a dream last night, one of the very vivid dreams. I was in a dark room it felt like the room was never ending,
all of a sudden Tyson walked up to me and nudges my hand and makes me look in a certain direction
You were there with Sonja by your side,
you looked sooooooooooo lost and it looked like you needed some sort of help.
Tyson just wanted me to see you and her"
I was crying like a baby
that dream my sister had was my reality and the timing of it all was so profound that there was no way to contain my emotions.
In that split moment of hearing what my sister said and how she said it and when she said it, like I said I was calling her to say I give up basically
but not in those words, more so that I needed her to take Sonja but she could read the deeper meaning of what I was saying even if she didn't have the
dream, which it wasn't a dream in my beliefs and hers and many others would say the same, its a faith no one or nothing can take away.
It was something so real that restored my faith in many things.
Tyson came to her to help me in a time when it seemed like it was game over.
The game never ends and we all have our own experiences but in truth we all share these experiences,
everyone does things they have great guilt and suffer for, everyone suffers loss.
We all have love and we are all loved.
we just dress these experiences up in different clothing and make them smell differently, but in a persons life we all share the same experiences on
the most basic conceptual level.
Like I said in previous comments its the loneliness I'm trying to fight. Even with both parents, brother and two dogs the gap, the missing dog is
front and center.
In time it does get easier
it may be different for us all, I live a very lonely life of my own making
I work nights, very rarely see or speak to anyone other than my sick Dad and grandmother I help once a week or fortnight to do some shopping and
whatever they need, my only friend is Sonja.
I see my Mom now a little more often and am an uncle, my sister had a child just over a year ago so in the recent year I have had a little less
in time how ever you live things do get better.
Nothing is really ever the same, each day changes
we get older
we can either give up, like I almost have not just on that one occasion but a few, not too many but a few.
Its our own outlook and perception of this world and ourselves that matter to us and our being.