posted on Feb, 1 2019 @ 07:05 AM
a reply to: Somethingsamiss
Thanks and yeah it is hard. So far today I've woken up and told Midnight to "come on wee wees" before realising she isn't there. I've been shopping
about almost bought her normal bag of biscuits and treats then realised she wasn't here, not to mention coming home and standing at the front door
(about an hour ago) where I'd usually have to knock because she was almost completely deaf (from an ear infection/old age) I'd knock so she could feel
the vibration on the door (she could still here some loud noises we taught her to listen for claps) and when I got to my front door I went to knock
but froze and put my head on the door and just wished I could see her through the glass looking back up at me with her goofy look.
And to go along with all the stuff I'm going through I've suffered with ear ache for almost three weeks now and have medication but the crying and the
wanting to scream stuff is making it so much worse or at least feel much worse. Driving me nuts. But honestly the silence is the worst, the endless
silence I can have the television up full blast, I've got a speaker beside me playing rain water (helps with the ear ache for some reason) but this
room feels so empty and silent. Part of me wishes that I could get over her quickly but knowing my own history it could take me months just to get
passed the needing to cry part but never get over, I know I'll never get over losing her just getting through is the best thing I can hope for.
Breaks my heart knowing shes gone. I know people say she's gone to a better place (not sure about how much better she could've had it lol) and out of
pain or what have you but that doesn't mean much because all that says to me is that shes gone from me, I've lost the one thing that made me wake up
in the morning, made me go to work because I wanted money to spoil her rotten, the thing that made me smile in the morning, even in the final days
when she would struggle up the stairs and take twenty minutes to get up ten steps knowing then that one day she would be gone I just didn't know that
a place could feel this empty.
I blame myself though. I know people will say it wasn't my fault I couldn't have done anything etc. but I was the one who took her, held her why they
did it. She had a Seizure before a few months before Christmas and the wobbly legs stuff she got passed all that and eventually was back to what she
was like before which makes me think maybe I was rushing into getting this done for her, maybe she had some more time left but because I didn't think
about that at that moment I gave her up to soon even though I swore I'd protect her. And I can't shake that feeling. I've looked up online and
apparently its normal to feel like that - I've already done the whole bargaining thing I won't go into who I asked for help but trust me if it was a
bad horror movie I'd have sold my soul at this point lol - but not being able to completely lose it and scream and cry etc. I think is making this
harder than the last time.