Please help me help...

originally posted by: JAGStorm


Ever wonder why some girls seems to always end up with abusive guys/husbands, think about that real hard.

I know I should just walk away and stay on topic, but man the curiosity is killing me.


Why?

a reply to: IAMTAT

He's getting tackled and headlocked. It confuses him at the moment because he can't tell if they're hostile or trying to be friendly. He's strong enough to shake them off without trouble, so he's not panicked by it or really intimidated, more annoyed by the mixed signals.

And it's been impressed upon them that they do no use forced unless they are clearly being attacked, and given how strong he is now, that's a good thing.

a reply to: theatreboy
Been going through the same thing, I have cried in private for my girl.

Tell her she is above her friends pettiness and needs to focus on school at this point in her life.
Tell her that youI have learned that when someone is bullying or being nasty to you that it usually comes from a place of jealousy or feelings of insecurity within them; and that person does not have the mature intelligence at this point to realize this. Also, It is best to have compassion for them without subjecting yourself to their abuse any further.
That this crap will all end one day when older and people are not such insecure nutcases.

And two more things to explain: :

All kids your age, even if act so assured and happy really feel the same as we all do on the inside.

And

Never give some else power over your emotions or feelings, they do not have the authority.

originally posted by: ClovenSky

originally posted by: JAGStorm


Ever wonder why some girls seems to always end up with abusive guys/husbands, think about that real hard.

I know I should just walk away and stay on topic, but man the curiosity is killing me.


Why?

It's not so much the girls are picking those guys, it is that abusive type of guys know exactly who will who won't defend themselves. Women who have been taught to defend themselves also know how to stay away from men like that. You can spot them a mile away.

A couple of things come to mind.

I grew up with Tourette Syndrome (still have it). I got a lot of flack from cruel, thoughtless kids because of the tics. I remember my mother telling me, "If they don't like it, it's their problem, not yours. They're the ones with the issues."

1. I took her at her word and believed it. Still do. Didn't completely take away the sting of the taunting, but I realized that people who belittle other people have internal problems that they can't work through; they are the ones who are broken inside. This realization actually helped me become a better person, I think, because I didn't want to be broken so I made it a point to not be cruel to others.

2. As someone else has said, if this "old friend" is being an ass, they are not a friend; not any more. Maybe never really were. Your daughter may need to understand that is certainly is time to just move on, let the relationship go. That's just the way the world works sometimes. We can't protect our kids from reality.

3. Lastly, maybe there's a reason this kids has become toxic. Maybe your daughter can (with some help?) figure out if that's the case and maybe even take steps to reach out in kindness. May not, now. I'm not being all pollyanna here. That may not be a real possibility, but you never know.

Unless there is the threat of physical harm, this is just the kind of crap that stupid kids do. My mother never let me whine about it. Her counsel has stood the test of over forty years and I still lean on it. Handled well, even had things like this can help a person to grow.
:

a reply to: incoserv

Damn, I wish I would have had that advice from my parents growing up. It took me way too long to develop a moral conscious of not being an ass. Some of the people I picked on in childhood I wish I could go back in time to understand and make friends with instead. I had one instructor that taught me some of what you were told on how to be self confident and not allowing others to control me by getting reactions.

Her counsel has stood the test of over forty years and I still lean on it. Handled well, even had things like this can help a person to grow.

originally posted by: ClovenSky
a reply to: incoserv

Damn, I wish I would have had that advice from my parents growing up. It took me way too long to develop a moral conscious of not being an ass. Some of the people I picked on in childhood I wish I could go back in time to understand and make friends with instead. I had one instructor that taught me some of what you were told on how to be self confident and not allowing others to control me by getting reactions.

Her counsel has stood the test of over forty years and I still lean on it. Handled well, even had things like this can help a person to grow.

My mother would appreciate that. Thanks.

originally posted by: theatreboy
...my daughter.

A pre teen.

She is the smartest, funniest, nicest girl I know. She is as beautiful as her mother...fml.

But she is being bullied by a friend she has had for years.

How do I teach her to stand up for herself, but not be the aggressor? How do I teach her that some people are aholes and to ignore them? Wtf do I do?

Thanks.

I would suggest martial arts...

originally posted by: ClovenSky
a reply to: theatreboy
Maybe it is the perfect chance to begin showing her reality? Just talk with her. Talk about how people manipulate others. Be honest. Maybe discuss how people crave being in the popular crowd and thus use others towards that end. Maybe your daughter can use this as a lesson to either accept or cut out the bad influence.

Does you daughter realize she is being bullied or is it just something you witnessed?

I find that people who become dead inside are those who refuse to equalize their fantasies of how life works to how life actually works. Honesty would be my choice.

You are wise.

I have these talks with her. Just like my parents did with me. Not gloating, but it sux being the smart kid.

I am just trying to make the lessons for her easier than they were for me.

originally posted by: Onlyyouknow
a reply to: theatreboy
Been going through the same thing, I have cried in private for my girl.

Tell her she is above her friends pettiness and needs to focus on school at this point in her life.
Tell her that youI have learned that when someone is bullying or being nasty to you that it usually comes from a place of jealousy or feelings of insecurity within them; and that person does not have the mature intelligence at this point to realize this. Also, It is best to have compassion for them without subjecting yourself to their abuse any further.
That this crap will all end one day when older and people are not such insecure nutcases.

Thank you. God bless you and your daughter

a reply to: theatreboy

Thank you so much and the same to you and your daughter as well.

I'm jumping the gun, on the ex-friend whose currently a bully is a girl.

Bet it about a boy.

a reply to: theatreboy

Not that wise. It took me way too long to develop compassion through observing how reality really works.

I love my parents with all of my heart and appreciate everything they did/do for me. I just kind of wish my parents would have had access to a forum like this back then to expand their knowledge thus expediting my struggle with maturity. oh well

a reply to: theatreboy

Oh my. I used to come home every day crying my eyes out because someone, usually the boy down the street, had beat up on me.

One day my mother stood in the doorway and told me I had two choices. I could either come in the house and she would give me the spanking of my life, or as I could go back and fight the child that had beat me up.

I knew I did not stand a chance with my Mom, so I decided my best chance was to take another whooping from the boy down the street. I surprised him and myself when I bet the snot out of him. His mother even ran to my Mother complaining about me beating up her son. My Mother asked her where she was when he was beating on me. She shut up and went home.

Needless to say, it was the last time I got picked on by those kids. Only had one other near battle several years later. That was very short lived when the girl realized she could not intimidate me, that I had no fear of getting an ass whooping, and that I was going to give as good as I got.

Sometimes the only way to stop a bully is to stand up to them.

a reply to: theatreboy


Try to keep her away from her phone as the bullying online is usually worse. Just try to keep her busy with family.

Also, it doesn’t hurt to let your kids know this kind of thing goes on in the world, at jobs, with bosses, coworkers in a very unemotional tone tell her it’s time for a new friend. Have your wife and yourself give her some examples of what you’ve gone thru in life.

I used to check my sons phone when he fell asleep, but now I have his cousin spy for me sometimes when I feel something is wrong.

Girl bullies can be brutal. Keep her busy for now. Praying for her.

Unfortunately, my daughter also was bullied; but by her best friends once they went to middle school.

Best thing I ever did was to put her in private school where the administration could control bad bullying kids and bad bullying kids' parents. Parents at the private school kept tabs on their kids and cared. Sadly, after much frustration, it was obvious the bullies controlled that school. You can't fight an entire sick system.

I refused to try to change my sweet, caring daughter into a fight night freak. No reason to put a child through hell.

Like magic, after changing schools, she made new friends who were raised like she to care about others and learn in an environment where she wasn't threatened.

Don't punish your daughter for being the child you raised her to be. Offer her a loving, caring, learning environment.

As an adult woman,my daughter is a confident and strong with a fulfilled sense of who she is.

Time to quit trying to make our sensitive children into something they arn't and we don't want them to be.

a reply to: Justso

Putting a kid into martial arts isn't about making them a "fright night freak."

We put ours into martial arts because he has a hearing disorder (Auditory Processing Disorder) than makes it hard for him to filter out unnecessary sound and focus on important things. His brain didn't develop that capacity. He had chronic ear infections which probably led to this. He also has trouble accurately processing what someone is saying, and the louder it is, the more likely it is he will not understand it correctly.

This puts him at a disadvantage in team sports where parents are yelling at him, teammates are yelling at him, and coaches are yelling at him and he has to hear accurately and process in a split second.

But he wanted to do sports. So I started looking for individual sports a young boy could get started on. We tried swimming, but the pool was too loud for him to focus on a swimming instructor, so martial arts were our second choice. And he took some time deciding, but now, he's all in and loves it.

We didn't put him in because of bullying. That is a more recent thing as of this school year, but yes, martial arts can instill confidence in a kid and they do learn how to take care of themselves if they ever have to. They also learn other things like self-discipline.

a reply to: ketsuko

My brother had anger management issues. Martial arts was the only thing that worked for him.

It not only helped him learn to control his temper, it helped him grow into a man that is a good husband and a great father.

a reply to: theatreboy

Teach your daughter to use that funny side to defeat her enemy , Make a fool of her when ever she is confronted by her shrug her shoulders and say who cares .

My cheeky side has saved me from a few fights over the years , where comedy has come through against a bully , it is hard for them to hit you when they are laughing

Good luck

If that fails show her how to heAD BUTT , come hear i got something secret to whisper to you