posted on Jan, 21 2019 @ 06:55 PM
This one is kind of a complicated topic for me to talk about. When I was a young child I never really had an attraction to anyone. My parents raised
my sister and I alone until we entered kindergarten. I never had a grasp of making friends. I had a hard time relating to people well into my early
adult life. From a young age I was regarded as intelligent by most standards. My parents and teachers would express concern that I might be autistic.I
knew about sex and relationships, but never really had a desire to have anything to do with it.
At some point in elementary school was when those around me would make the sexual jokes and boys and girls started chasing each other. The girl next
door was four or five years older than me, and would get all of the kids on my street to play games like hide and seek but would choose to hide with
me and show me parts of her body and touch me or kiss me. I guess it was just her way of exploring her sexuality, but I still didn't really get
anything out of it. We would play other games like "doctor," "house," or the age old "show me yours and I'll show you mine." We all did it because we
knew it was naughty and we wanted to push the rules. We were all curious about the bodies of other peoples. Girls would compare their breasts or lack
thereof, guys would tease each other about their genitalia. I think it was pretty harmless for the most part.
It wasn't until I got taken advantage of by a much older boy whose mother used to baby sit me while I was still a young child. He didn't touch me from
what I can remember, but he would show me pornography, and somehow convinced me to masturbate while he watched. I guess from all the boys are supposed
to chase girls, and girls are supposed to tease guys thing and all the exploration that was going on with everyone my age I didn't really think
anything of it at the time. It just clicked in my mind that masturbation felt good, and that if that alone felt good then sex felt good. So, for the
longest time I just wanted to have sex to see if it felt as good as I thought it would, but I still didn't really have any interest in anyone other
than just to satisfy my sexual curiousity.
So, I was just a really angsty young person who felt like he was being denied a basic human experience. Since I didn't know how to relate to people or
how to even develop actual friendships I just started masturbating an insane amount. I liked girls to some extent just from everyone telling me and
talking about how guys and girls are supposed to be together, and that women are the ones with whom men have sex with to procreate. I never received
any nurturing or comfort from anyone. I knew that in a good relationship that the whole support, caring, nurturing thing was supposed to be thier, but
when I was a teenager everyone was just selfish. Guys and girls only wanted to mess around. So, even though I really wanted to have sex, I didn't want
to compromise my desire to feel wanted or needed just to experience what sex was. It was pretty frustrating, because from me turning down the girls
who would approach me I had started to get labelled as being dumb or gay.
The year I graduated from high school, some of us were hanging out at the local chill spot, and everyone was talking about what they were going to do
with their boyfriends or girlfriends that specific weekend. It was at that point that I decided that I was tired of not being in a relationship. So, I
told some of the guys that I was going to ask out one of the girls that worked where we hung out. So, I walked up to her and asked her if she wanted
to go on a date that night, and she agreed to spend the evening with me. We hit it off, and we eventually ended up dating.
We had sex not long after we started dating, and it just wasn't anything better than I thought it would be. Maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it
would be, because I went into it doubting that it was some grand ecstatic state of euphoria, but honestly it didn't feel any better than masturbation.
Fast forward a year later and I found out that she had been cheating on me the whole time we were dating, and then tried to say that it was somehow
all my fault when I broke up with her and told me that I couldn't break up with her. But I wasn't having that. She was upset that she hadn't had a
chance to line up another guy first. Which in my opinion from the amount of times she cheated on me she had plenty of chances to line something else
Honestly, it affected me pretty negatively. I still had a hard time relating to people, and feeling a connectiont to anyone let alone trusting people.
I knew what it took to be a good boyfriend, and what it takes to be a good person. And for me to be doing the best I could, and still treated like
dirt really didn't sit well with me.
After some time I met another girl, and we eventually ended up dating. We also did what people do and began having sex, but ultimately that
relationship ended up with me calling the relationship off because of her disrespect and cheating.
I met another girl at a halloween party whom I had gone to school and had a crush on, but never pursued it because she was a freshman while I was a
senior, and it just didn't seem right to me. Well, she admitted to having a crush on me back in high school as well, and that she would have dated me
if I had made a move. We ultimately ended up dating, but only for about a month before she broke up with me for sticking up for her. She had been in a
rocky relationship when we met, and after meeting me at the Halloween party had decided she wanted to be with me. I told her that she would have to
make it clear to the guy that she had been with that she wasn't with him anymore, before I even considered dating her.
So, she did just that, and shortly after that we started dating. Things were going well. Her mother who was lesbian loved me. Her little brother liked
it when I would come over and spend time with them, and as for the girl herself she couldn't have appeared happier. Well, a friend of her ex started
going around saying she had been cheating on her ex with me. So, I called him up and told him that he should stop being a dick and spreading rumors.
That his behavior was in no way appropriate. He then promptly started telling everyone including my then girlfriend that I had said some things that
weren't true. She called me up and got upset with me for talking to the guy who was spreading rumors. She said that she didn't want me causing anymore
problems. Even though I was trying to stick up for her, she didn't care. She broke up with me that same night.
After all of this, I just felt like I didn't want to care about relationships anymore. I couldn't stand trying to be "normal" and being in an actual
relationship. This coincided with me going to clubs and finding that it was actually pretty easy just to entertain women and have sex with them. It
was as easy as approaching them, asking them if they wanted to leave the club with me, and going back to their place to have sex.
After a few months of that I became jaded, highly cynical. I began to believe that people actually didn't want healthy, caring relationships. They
only wanted to go out, get drunk, and have non-committed sex. I became disgusted with myself, and disgusted with people in general. I swore off sex,
and relationships for good. Started only doing the things I wanted to do. My entire life I had already experienced difficulty with connecting