Funny Stuff

A letter from John Cleese to the American public:



To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly$6/US gallon
- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day

John Cleese

haha. As if the UK is Utopia.

Cleese is a very funny man, but I doubt that many Americans will appreciate his observations. One thing you can say about American Football games is that very few spectators get killed and we have literally thousands going every weekend during football season. There are a few fistfights and occasionally, a parking lot brawl, but it's very rare.

We also have a lot of soccer (the other football) games here in the US, although very few people over the age of 18 play or even pay attention, unless they have kids who play and as far as I know, no one who wasn't actually playing has ever received so much as a scratch as a direct result of their attendance.

As for guns, we'll keep ours, thank you. Without them, we'd still be singing "God Save the Queen" and using more letters to spell words than is absolutely required and Mr. Cleese would have had no excuse for his misplaced "humour."




[edit on 2005/12/9 by GradyPhilpott]

You're right about some Americans not appreciating this. When I first recieved it in an email a few years back I forwarded it to an American friend who replied very angrily. He started harping about certain things in America being better than England, including football violence, etc. It came across as a little bitter really, like a sibling with a gnawing inferiority complex being poked in jest by an older brother and snapping unnecessarily.

Luckily those here are above such petty reactions, it is after all only humour.

The large majority of Americans have an extraordinary sense of humor, but admittedly, political correctness has put the kibosh on much that is truly humorous. I also doubt that most Americans care what anyone thinks of our sports.

It is something quite different, however, when foreigners attack our institutions, our leaders, and our fundamental way of life. It's no different in the UK, despite your claim otherwise. I have had considerable interaction with the British over my lifetime and I know that they don't appreciate sarcastic remarks about their institutions and way of life, either, so can your holier than thou attitude or try it out on the French or the Swedes. Maybe they're more light-hearted.

As for

Originally posted by GradyPhilpott
foreigners attack our institutions, our leaders, and our fundamental way of life.

Get over yourself was the point of the post. It is a joke, stop crying. You've had considerable interaction with the British over your lifetime. I'll wager I have a little more and that any such humour that has and will be aimed will be either appreciated or ignored as opposed to, well, the reaction you offered. Try a joke about the Royal family to most Brits to see a reaction. It's humour. Suck up any holier than thou attitude and take the message. Try seeing past your own self importance and get a sense of humour, it'll probably do you the world of good.

'can the attitude.' Can this...

[edit on 9/12/05 by Mark Harris]

The Royal what?

Get over yourself, Harris. Jokes are supposed to be funny. I'm not laughing. Apparently, you inhabit some fantasy land somewhere. Don't forget to take you meds. The hallucinations will cease after a few days. Until then, keep the doors locked and stay away from windows and the computer. You'll feel much safer.

Here's a joke for you: Britain.

And since your sense of humor is so keen, here's a few more:

Q: Know why the British don't make computers?
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!
-Bill Hancock

Q: What do you call an MG with dual exhaust?
A: A Wheelbarrow!
-Philip Payne

Q: How do you double the value of a Triumph?
A: Fill it up with gas!
-Paul Helsby

Q: What's the difference between a classic Jag owner and a classic Triumph owner?
A: The Jag owner washes his hands AFTER he's been for a pee, and the Triumph owner...
- Richard Gosling

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because the all have Lucus refrigerators. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-name withheld by request

Q: What are the two questions you hear most from the passenger in your MGBGT?
A: 1. Is it HOT in here?
2. Do you smell gas?
- Sir Drives-A-lot

Little Billy and his Dad were down at the autocross watching the Spitfires zipping through the cones.
Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a Spitfire driver."
His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do both, son."
- Ree G.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what it's like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights & heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. It's not exactly the same, but it's real close.
- Mike Nash

I pulled into a garage with my newly purchased 1500 Spitty and politly asked "Have you got a windscreen wiper blade for my Spit"
The cheeky git replied"sounds like a good deal to me mate.
- Kevin Cox

My husband phoned me the other day and proceeded to tell me he had purchased a new car for me. Well I was not thrilled I wanted the new 4 door SUV. What kind is it I asked..... a Triumph Spitfire a BRITISH car.... I've always wanted one he exclaimed! Well I knew nothing of these British cars. I love Coronation Street does that help? No?
Well, family told me to be greatful, he only bought it because he's going through a MID LIFE CRISIS. "They either buy sports cars or trade the wife in for a slimmer newer model." He got BOTH. We've had the car now 4 days and I'm slimmer already...I've had to push it home everytime we go out!
-Kimberlie Milner


Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...
1st surgeon: "Accountaints are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quitely listening to the conversation: "I like British car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
-Tom Broberg

Q. What’s the difference between Heaven and Hell?

A. In Heaven, the Brits are the comedians, the Germans are the engineers and the French are the lovers. In Hell, the Germans are the humorists, the French are the engineers and the Brits are the lovers.

"England, the land of jug-earred, chinless stomach-eaters."
- Tom Servo and Crow, "Mystery Science Theater 3000"

What was Princess Di's favourite cocktail?
A wallbanger followed by a couple of chasers.

-------
Why was Lady Di's death a tragedy?

Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn't in the back of
the car with her.

-------
What did Princess Di reply when the desk clerk at the Ritz asked
if she wanted a room for the night?

"No, I'm gonna crash with my boyfriend."

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What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods?

Tiger has a good driver.

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If Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found in
the glove compartment?

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Did you hear about the new fairy tale for kids that's replacing the Cinderella and carraige story?

It's about Diana.....at midnight, she turns into an abutment.

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It's just another example of Franco/German anti-British collaboration
that has been going on since 1914.... Surely it's no coincedence that
the world's best-loved Englishwoman was killed by a drunken Frenchman
driving a German tank.

-------
What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car wreck?

Was Fergie with her?

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What kind of dress was Di wearing?

Crushed Velvet.

-------
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passer-by said "Morning", Charles said, "No, just walking the dog."

-------
What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas?

A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes.

-------
What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring?

Aren't we moving a bit too fast?

-------
Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?

Because he's the only queen who cares.

-------
What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?

Leeches fall off after you die.

-------
What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?

Zip-a-dee Dodi, Zip-a-dee Di.

-------
Why did Di die?

Because Mercedes bends

-------
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?

Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....

-------
Why did the tunnel in Paris get so red?

Because they got Di all over it.

-------
How did they know that the driver had dandruff?

They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

-------
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porche?

Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Porche!

-------
Dodi said to his driver when in England...

Do you want to come to Paris with me and "Di"?

-------
What does a mercedes and a squid have in common?

You have to cut them both open to get the "Di" out.

-------
What do you give the princess who has everything?

A seatbelt and an airbag.

-------
What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz?

You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the Paris Ritz.

-------
How many paparazzi does it take to kill Di?

50. One to drive infront of Di and 49 to take pictures.

-------
What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?

5 days.

-------
Did you see the wall Di drove into?

Neither did she.

-------
Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?

It's going to be called "Di hard" or "Live and Let Di"

-------
Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?

The Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it!

-------
What would Di be doing if she were alive today?

Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

-------
What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common??

Their last greatest hit was the WALL.

-------
What does Diana and George Burns have in common?

They both died when they hit 100.

-------
What was Princess Diana's last words to the paparazzi?

"Leave me alone, I'm a bloody princess. You photographers drive me up the wall."

-------
What did Princess Diana die of?

Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.

-------
Did you hear about the new Pink Floyd album?

"Another Brit in the Wall"

-------
When Prince Charles was told of Diana's death he was all ears.

-------
Now there is a new pizza place, the "Paparazzi Pizza" delivery.

You don't have to give them your address, they'll find you no matter where you are.

-------
What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans?

The East Germans survived the wall.

-------
What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car?

I brake for Paparazzi.

-------
What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess?

The frog turns into a wall and croaks.

-------
Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.

It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.

-------
Why did the Princess cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

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What do Di and Freddie Mercury have in common?

Both had to die to get away from Queen.

Well. I guess I have to apolgize. After an exhaustive internet search, it seems that aside from the British automotive industry and Princess Diana's demise, there is absolutely nothing amusing about the British.

Well, I will take a page from former West Point coach and basketball legend Bobby Knight.

When I die, I want to be buried upside down, so this guy can kiss my ass.

Wow. A few jokes, at the expense of Brits(?)...

Ohh the pain, the heartache, Must retaliate.... pride damaged... self worth fading... fading...

I would say grow up, but you're coming across as quite the bitter old man.

Comments on pronounciation, sports, beer and you reach for what. The death or a member of (supposedly) the most loved family in the UK. That alone shows the depths you have to sink to Grady. Showed your petty desperation in a bright light there huh? You really are digging to the bottom of the barrel here aren't you. Desperately trying to insult.

1) That was not the point of the initial post content.

2) You failed miserably.

Why? Perhaps because you personally cannot, and so cannot see how others can treat life with such levity.

Originally posted by GradyPhilpott

Get over yourself, Harris. Jokes are supposed to be funny. I'm not laughing. Apparently, you inhabit some fantasy land somewhere. Don't forget to take you meds. The hallucinations will cease after a few days. Until then, keep the doors locked and stay away from windows and the computer. You'll feel much safer.

That's tragic Grady - it really is.

Hallucinations? What tangent are you trying for here? Where is your head? Is it dark there? You really should stop thinking yourself so important and taking yourself so seriously. You are coming across rather poorly. Attempting to make fun out a persons death with the single intent of trying to offend because you didn't like a harmless joke. Very, very poor. Not funny and not offensive, only reflects on you. (I'd bet there are a hoard more jokes about Diane's death over here and for you not to realise that show just how much you fail to grasp British humour.)

Lighten up, it was meant as a joke. Nothing more - nothing less.

The point is not whether you find the joke funny *sigh If you don't think it's funny, that your prerogative obviously. But to get so miffed that you feel the need to try and get serious and play the one-upmanship that your first post offered is in itself laughable. Stop crying. You live in the most powerful country in the world (as opposed to the UK who's only claim to anything comes from sitting on the your coattails) and yet cannot take a joke about it without getting all tearful.

'Get over yourself Harris' Bwahaaaaa