posted on Dec, 9 2005 @ 08:30 PM
The Royal what?
Get over yourself, Harris. Jokes are supposed to be funny. I'm not laughing. Apparently, you inhabit some fantasy land somewhere. Don't forget
to take you meds. The hallucinations will cease after a few days. Until then, keep the doors locked and stay away from windows and the computer.
You'll feel much safer.
Here's a joke for you: Britain.
And since your sense of humor is so keen, here's a few more:
Q: Know why the British don't make computers?
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!
Q: What do you call an MG with dual exhaust?
A: A Wheelbarrow!
Q: How do you double the value of a Triumph?
A: Fill it up with gas!
Q: What's the difference between a classic Jag owner and a classic Triumph owner?
A: The Jag owner washes his hands AFTER he's been for a pee, and the Triumph owner...
- Richard Gosling
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because the all have Lucus refrigerators. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-name withheld by request
Q: What are the two questions you hear most from the passenger in your MGBGT?
A: 1. Is it HOT in here?
2. Do you smell gas?
- Sir Drives-A-lot
Little Billy and his Dad were down at the autocross watching the Spitfires zipping through the cones.
Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a Spitfire driver."
His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do both, son."
- Ree G.
For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what it's like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll
down all windows, leave off lights & heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. It's not
exactly the same, but it's real close.
- Mike Nash
I pulled into a garage with my newly purchased 1500 Spitty and politly asked "Have you got a windscreen wiper blade for my Spit"
The cheeky git replied"sounds like a good deal to me mate.
- Kevin Cox
My husband phoned me the other day and proceeded to tell me he had purchased a new car for me. Well I was not thrilled I wanted the new 4 door SUV.
What kind is it I asked..... a Triumph Spitfire a BRITISH car.... I've always wanted one he exclaimed! Well I knew nothing of these British cars. I
love Coronation Street does that help? No?
Well, family told me to be greatful, he only bought it because he's going through a MID LIFE CRISIS. "They either buy sports cars or trade the wife
in for a slimmer newer model." He got BOTH. We've had the car now 4 days and I'm slimmer already...I've had to push it home everytime we go
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...
1st surgeon: "Accountaints are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quitely listening to the conversation: "I like British car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end."
Q. What’s the difference between Heaven and Hell?
A. In Heaven, the Brits are the comedians, the Germans are the engineers and the French are the lovers. In Hell, the Germans are the humorists, the
French are the engineers and the Brits are the lovers.
"England, the land of jug-earred, chinless stomach-eaters."
- Tom Servo and Crow, "Mystery Science Theater 3000"
What was Princess Di's favourite cocktail?
A wallbanger followed by a couple of chasers.
Why was Lady Di's death a tragedy?
Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn't in the back of
the car with her.
What did Princess Di reply when the desk clerk at the Ritz asked
if she wanted a room for the night?
"No, I'm gonna crash with my boyfriend."
What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods?
Tiger has a good driver.
If Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found in
the glove compartment?
Did you hear about the new fairy tale for kids that's replacing the Cinderella and carraige story?
It's about Diana.....at midnight, she turns into an abutment.
It's just another example of Franco/German anti-British collaboration
that has been going on since 1914.... Surely it's no coincedence that
the world's best-loved Englishwoman was killed by a drunken Frenchman
driving a German tank.
What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car wreck?
Was Fergie with her?
What kind of dress was Di wearing?
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passer-by said "Morning", Charles said, "No, just walking the dog."
What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas?
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes.
What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring?
Aren't we moving a bit too fast?
Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
Because he's the only queen who cares.
What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?
Leeches fall off after you die.
What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?
Zip-a-dee Dodi, Zip-a-dee Di.
Why did Di die?
Because Mercedes bends
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?
Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
Why did the tunnel in Paris get so red?
Because they got Di all over it.
How did they know that the driver had dandruff?
They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porche?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Porche!
Dodi said to his driver when in England...
Do you want to come to Paris with me and "Di"?
What does a mercedes and a squid have in common?
You have to cut them both open to get the "Di" out.
What do you give the princess who has everything?
A seatbelt and an airbag.
What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz?
You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the Paris Ritz.
How many paparazzi does it take to kill Di?
50. One to drive infront of Di and 49 to take pictures.
What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
Did you see the wall Di drove into?
Neither did she.
Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?
It's going to be called "Di hard" or "Live and Let Di"
Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
The Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it!
What would Di be doing if she were alive today?
Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common??
Their last greatest hit was the WALL.
What does Diana and George Burns have in common?
They both died when they hit 100.
What was Princess Diana's last words to the paparazzi?
"Leave me alone, I'm a bloody princess. You photographers drive me up the wall."
What did Princess Diana die of?
Did you hear about the new Pink Floyd album?
"Another Brit in the Wall"
When Prince Charles was told of Diana's death he was all ears.
Now there is a new pizza place, the "Paparazzi Pizza" delivery.
You don't have to give them your address, they'll find you no matter where you are.
What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans?
The East Germans survived the wall.
What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car?
I brake for Paparazzi.
What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess?
The frog turns into a wall and croaks.
Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.
It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
Why did the Princess cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
What do Di and Freddie Mercury have in common?
Both had to die to get away from Queen.
Well. I guess I have to apolgize. After an exhaustive internet search, it seems that aside from the British automotive industry and Princess
Diana's demise, there is absolutely nothing amusing about the British.