where do you draw the line at making your kids do something they dont want to do?

i'm torn on this one.
my general way of thought is i dont want to make my daughter do something she does not want to do. she is 6 btw.

i dont mean # like homework. brushing your teeth.
none of the # you actually have to do.

more like extracurricular things.

you know like the dad that makes his son play basketball and he does not want to. i dont want to be that guy.

the flip side is i am the parent and i dont need a reason. just do it.
you know?

my daughter loves art. loves music. loves to listen to music i mean.
music all day. all generes.

i played guitar until i got hurt and nothing for a couple years now i dabble in the bass(so does the wife) as well as the ukulele and the jews harp.
mostly i dont touch them anymore but i still study music. the instruments are still around.


anyway i want my daughter to play an instrument.
i dont want to force her to but i would like her to.


in the end if she does not want to then she does not have to but she is 6. she has no interest in messing with the instruments we have laying around.

so i am thinking a compromise of sorts

i dont want to force her cause its not cool and i dont want to put her off.

so i was thinking put the foot down.

agree. dont agree. i think is is important.

next 3 months we are going to take a 30 minute lesson twice a week. we are going to be serious while we are there and try.
after 3 months if she does not want it then we are done.

it is winter and we do # all for the next 4 months so we have the time.

i figure if she goes and gives it an effort and just does not like it then its over. i can live with that. she is still young

but just maybe. maybe we get that awesome teacher that makes it fun and gets it to her in a way that i cant and she likes it and wants to keep going...

that could happen.

im not talking you will become first chair. im just talking learn an instrument.



what do you all think?
i am just curious here cause i really am torn.



half feel like a total dick for entertaining basically making her go if she does not want to.

but im dad and i want it to happen. thats it.

some parents think this or that is important.
i think this is important.

I don't see anything wrong with making her try it for a while. Learn it to the point of some understanding of the fundamentals.

I have a problem with the parents, that when a kid has done something for a year or so, and wants to move on to something else, the parent has a meltdown, and/or is basically reliving their dream through their child.

If kids don't get exposed/learn the basics, how will they ever find what they like?

I don't think your going to be a bad parent for having her learn music.
Good for you for even questioning it though.
Seems like your looking out for her best interest.

a reply to: TinySickTears

She is still very young, but here's my advice.

Don't ever leave it up to the child.
Put it like this:

Do you want to play the flute or the drums?

a reply to: TinySickTears
Don't you think making it an obligation is more likely to put her off and make her dislike the activity?

You need to give yourself a break. You always sound like the most thoughtful father. Just go with your gut.

originally posted by: chiefsmom
I don't see anything wrong with making her try it for a while. Learn it to the point of some understanding of the fundamentals.

I have a problem with the parents, that when a kid has done something for a year or so, and wants to move on to something else, the parent has a meltdown, and/or is basically reliving their dream through their child.

If kids don't get exposed/learn the basics, how will they ever find what they like?

I don't think your going to be a bad parent for having her learn music.
Good for you for even questioning it though.
Seems like your looking out for her best interest.

no way would i force her to keep going just cause it is something i want.

i do want her to play but not at the expense of her doing it when she does not want to.

i just asked her to pick a favorite out of these instruments because i can get them local

piano
violin
bass
guitar
viola
drums
flute
sax

and she said the violin because it sounds pretty.

i dont have a violin laying around so how do we really know she does not want to play?


that is a doable instrument as fa as cost. ease of transport and maintenance.

half hour twice a week is only 12 hours time over 3 months.
i dont feel like that is too much to expect.


thanks for your input

a reply to: TinySickTears

Selection of the right teacher is critical. Ask questions like how long students typically stay with them, do they organize recitals or parties where everyone can share the skills they're learning, etc.

Sometimes music books aren't the best method for kids, or anyone, to learn music. Let her select the instrument and be patient with the sounds she is making. They're not going to be good at first but if she's having a blast AND learning how to express herself through sound, you've done your job.

Bluegrass music is particularly good for youngsters. It is a traditional style that is reasonably easy to pick up, exciting to play, and totally "handmade". You can't hide behind effects in bluegrass. There are bluegrass jams in practically every region for all levels of players, and it is encouraged to learn it by ear. It is steeped in fascinating history and the seeds of most styles of American roots music are present in bluegrass.

Above all, music HAS to be fun, otherwise she might as well be in typing class.

originally posted by: Justso
You need to give yourself a break. You always sound like the most thoughtful father. Just go with your gut.

i appreciate that.

this is the hard stuff for me when it comes to parenting.

originally posted by: DISRAELI
a reply to: TinySickTears
Don't you think making it an obligation is more likely to put her off and make her dislike the activity?

been thinking about that.

i think it would if it was an hour every night and practice at home and you will know these chords by this time.
for sure


but an hour a week?
i will be there

i will let the teacher know this is just fun. exposure.
we are checking it out.

i dont think that would put her off.

especially once she gets her fingers on it and makes some noises and we come home and watch jean luc ponty live with zappa in stockholm in 1978 and he shreds mo n herbs vacation for 12 minutes.

might change her perspective right?
get the bug.
want to make her own sounds?


and if not # it.

we checked it out. we can revisit it when school band comes up in a few years

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: TinySickTears

She is still very young, but here's my advice.

Don't ever leave it up to the child.
Put it like this:

Do you want to play the flute or the drums?

its not up to her

im just trying to do it all the right way

im leaning towards violin for 3 months

a reply to: TinySickTears

Trust me. This isn't the hard stuff. Don't mean to scare you.

You are entering what is often called "the golden years." Really fun, magical.

At 12/13-the hormones kick in.

originally posted by: Justso
a reply to: TinySickTears

Trust me. This isn't the hard stuff. Don't mean to scare you.

You are entering what is often called "the golden years." Really fun, magical.

At 12/13-the hormones kick in.

not looking forward to those years

Encourage her, play with the family. Soon it will be her idea.

a reply to: TinySickTears

I was forced to play an instrument as a kid, I was 7, I never tried or got into it because I had to do it.

As an adult I took up guitar, I don't play often though. I want my boy (he's 8) to play, he shown an interest when I play so the only course of action is to lead by example and hope it rubs off on him enough to pick it up himself .

a reply to: TinySickTears

I wouldn't start her on an instrument unless she wants to. Sometimes starting a child before they want to will kill their interest.
But I would start dropping hints they could learn (x instrument) when they express interest in the sound. Which it sounds like you are doing.

I've worked with to many child violinists over the course of my career (professional musician/ performance technician) to know to many who resent it later and give up music all together.

If you really insist on her starting. I would suggest piano over violin.
I'm not sure if you've ever heard a 6 year old play twinkle twinkle little star on the violin. If you have not, I hope you never have that thrust upon you.

originally posted by: randomtangentsrme


If you really insist on her starting. I would suggest piano over violin.
I'm not sure if you've ever heard a 6 year old play twinkle twinkle little star on the violin. If you have not, I hope you never have that thrust upon you.

piano was my choice.
she said violin.

nothing is set in stone yet

im trying to make this happen but in a casual fun way to not totally put her off forever if she does not like it.

I let mine gravitate toward what they like, I don't tell them they must do something just because I exposed them to it. That's how my dad was about extracurricular activities, and as laid back a dad as he was...if he decided you had to take something, you didn't get a choice in the matter. It bred a LOT of resentment.

Even as an adult, I still despise the damned ballet lessons I had to take to be allowed to play softball, too. That was a crap trade-off for no gain on the ballet end. I was NOT good at ballet -- you cannot learn flexibility or grace if it's not already natural to you, which they weren't for me. I was the worst student by far, I did not enjoy the dance form at all. I referred to it as my Year of Hell.

My older kid has a lap harp and is pretty good at it. She showed interest in the instrument, and I bought her a budget wooden one. It sure sounds pretty, the reverb is "earthy".
She'd like an ocarina at some point, too. I'm considering obliging and getting her one. I think her interest in musical instruments is strongly rooted in her talent for art creation. Music, being an art form, may be much more appealing to the artistic types than others.

My younger kid could care less about playing music. She simply does not care one way or the other about music. If it's not a dinosaur or a rock or a bug or chemistry, etc, she has no interest and no inclination to delve deeper. That kid's a scientific mind, not an artistic one. Her interests are completely different from her sister's.

In other words, let her gravitate towards what draws her. if she shows interest in music, start affordable and small, and see how it progresses. If she doesn't, pay closer attention to other things that catch her interest. You may be surprised.

a reply to: TinySickTears

Gotta say I didn't want to take piano lessons, but I did for like 4 years. It helped me to understand the relationship between different scales and basically formatted my understanding of music.

I say the foot should go down. Pick an instrument or two. Maybe even better make it a parent/child thing.

originally posted by: kelbtalfenek
a reply to: TinySickTears

Gotta say I didn't want to take piano lessons, but I did for like 4 years. It helped me to understand the relationship between different scales and basically formatted my understanding of music.

I say the foot should go down. Pick an instrument or two. Maybe even better make it a parent/child thing.

that would be a great result.

just a basic understanding that may open some new outlet or quest.
maybe she will get obsessed with the hurdy gurdy

I told my daughter she needed to do two extracurricular activities, but she could choose anything she wanted. I think most kids want to do something, but the specifics need to be left up to them. She chose fast pitch softball and chorus and loved doing both of them.

Growing up my mother always forced me to play instruments I wasn’t interested in playing which ended up with me hating it and learning nothing. Eventually I taught myself to play guitar.

Imagine if I had been allowed to learn what I wanted to when I was younger.