Merry Christmas - How I spent Christmas last year

First of all, I'd like to wish everyone here on ATS a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

I didn't say anything last night (Christmas Eve) because it felt like a buzz-kill on the joyous night, but I'll tell this story for the first time now because it comes off a little happier (hopefully), but still tragically sad in some ways. Perhaps it gives meaning to the true meaning of the Holiday spirit.

Last Christmas, I don't think I made it back to my hotel room until well after midnight (probably around 3am or so). I should have been drunk from all I'd drank that night, but I wasn't (I'd tried very hard to be, in a very short time frame). I realized that I had no gifts for anyone on Christmas, zero. In a few short hours I'd be heading for the airport to get on a plane. My two sisters, also at the same hotel, would be heading out as well. My flight was at 5am and I'd be gone before they even woke. I couldn't leave without somehow wishing them a merry Christmas, but it was anything but "merry"...and I just couldn't find the words.

Nothing left to give for Christmas, a half finished bottle of scotch and a leftover sandwich I hadn't touched in a styrofoam box from dinner the night before.

I had arrived the previous morning, and somehow made it through the throngs of people to my rental car. It was a short 30 minute drive. What met me at the other end of that drive was unspeakable (and I won't recount it here). Mom lay dying in a hospital bed. It was not peaceful, not at all. This had all come on so suddenly; there was no warning. Just a descent into hell almost overnight. I was 1,700 miles away when it started, and within an hour I was on a plane.

We had walked away just for a moment to get something, anything, to eat. It was about 7pm when the call came.

Mom had passed away...it was Christmas Eve (2017).

(Fast forward past all the arrangements and grief.)

I stood in the hallway of the silent hotel with my bag packed and ready to head out to the airport. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye, or something about the holiday. With a few minutes left, I went down to the front desk and cashed in some of my larger bills for $1 dollar bills. And then I did about the only thing I could (seems cheap now in retrospect), I went to every floor of the hotel and basically raided the vending machines of snacks. I made a small basket of snacks for both of my sisters expressing my sadness and wishing them a better holiday. They had a long drive ahead of them, and snacks were all that was available at 3am.

I left one of the little baskets I'd made at each of their hotel room doors, along with my note, and headed out to the airport.

Strangely, one of the hardest parts (and I'm generally a pretty unshakable person) was the thought of facing thousands of people who would all be saying "Merry Christmas!!" What would I say??? Just wish them a merry Christmas back? Say it wasn't merry for me, and then have to potentially ruin someone else's Christmas with my story when they inquired why??? And, it was just as daunting as I had imagined.

My sisters greatly appreciated the humble gift I'd left. It was all I had. That, or a leftover sandwich and a half a bottle of scotch.

So the message here not one of sorrow, and not one of happiness either, but rather a message about family. Look around you this Christmas. Love 'em if you've got 'em! Nobody is forever.

There is solace knowing Mom is in a better place now, and Christmas one year later does have a lifetime of joyous memories (just not last year's memories)

Merry Christmas, ATS!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Merry Christmas to you also !!

Man, you did the best you could. You should win an award for that. It's times like those that show you what you're made of.

It's a bit like my son who got into a minor scuffle with his cousin over a year ago and *still* remembers and feels really bad about it. I think he's the only one who does remember.

It's just those kinds of moments that let us know who we are. Most people wouldn't have been so preoccupied with others at that moment, but you were, and that says so much about you.

I hope this year brings you a lighter spirit and more joy and much less pain. I'm sure the memories are bittersweet; they always will be, but I hope they're easier.

Merry Christmas!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Merry Christmas to you and yours too.

Why does everything really bad happen at this time of year? Certainly hope this year brings you much joy and the sweet memories of a wonderful mother have replaced those of last year. But it lingers, I know.

Your special talent for storytelling hopefully helps heal your pain. It certainly has meaning to me.

Thanks so much for sharing. You definitely bring deep, personal sharing to another level.

Be blessed today and always.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Merry Christmas!

Ahh, the memories...

What we did right, what we could have done better. I always feel that after something tragic and devastating.
My sister in law passed last weekend in North Carolina and as I had always promised I went and got my 84 year old sister so that she can live out her remaining years with us.

It has been a rough day for her, she is napping now and has been off and on since she arrived Saturday. I will give her time to mourn and grieve, after that we will HAVE to pick ourselves up and learn to live again in her new reality.

I hope that everything I do will be enough.

Many blessing to you and yours and have a wonderful NEW year!

a reply to: Justso

Thank you. I do sincerely appreciate it.

May you and your's have blessed Christmas / holiday season as well.

a reply to: ketsuko

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

You are a lovely, lovely person. May you have many blessings come your way. Merry Christmas. Remember, take care of yourelf, too.

a reply to: Justso

Thank you!

I'm just another human finding my way through the haze LOL

Merry Christmas to you and yours and a wonderful, magical New Year!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Thank you for sharing so much with us all! It isn't the money we spend on people we love that is most important, but the love that we give. It is tragic to lose someone we cherish and especially hard on holidays. My Husband lost his Mom a week or two before Christmas many years ago. You are right, your Mom is in a better place and you will always have treasured memories to hold onto.

Merry Christmas Clay and a warm hug!

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I know that whatever you do will be enough Chirp. You are a loving, thoughtful and wonderful Sister and she is lucky to have you.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I’m very sorry you had to go through that.
As we all know death is a fact of life. Something we all try to escape...and will all fail.
It is hard on its own, but during this time of the year, it makes it hit home even harder.

I hope your doing okay.
For what it’s worth, Merry Christmas my friend.