Story - Loving the Threes., page 1

{note: Sorry the whole thing is one big gimmick. It began as a writing exercise.

}

Listen to me. I am troubled. Upset with life. It’s this thing. My special problem. I am alone. That’s not it. Lonliness, I mean. It’s something else. I am unique. A true individual. I think threes. Three word thoughts. All the time. Never anything else.

I watch people. I hear conversations. I count words. So many words. I love them! I eat out. I ride buses. I enjoy listening. I love words. I love thoughts. Especially long thoughts. Thoughts without restrictions.

I like supermarkets. Lots of people. No interaction required. Everyone is quiet. Quiet like me. Shopping in solitude. Supermarkets are comfortable. I feel normal. Just another person. Another normal shopper.

***
I have dreams. To think normally. To speak normally. To be normal. I hate myself. I can’t communicate. Not with family. Not with friends. I really try. I just can’t. But I hope. I have faith. One day maybe. Maybe I’ll improve. Become a person. A normal person. Whatever that is. Whatever I’m not. That is normal. Whatever I’m not.

Days blur together. There’s no beginning. There’s no end. Just these threes. The neverending threes. I hit snooze. I roll over. I get up. I get dressed. I watch TV. I like television. Anything with talking. Anything with words.

I don’t work. I can’t work. Nobody needs me. Someone like me. A handicapped person. I think threes. My useless brain! My useless life! I need meaning. Must find meaning. My point here. Tell me, God! Why create me?

I consider suicide. Not too often. The Death Thought. It never lasts. Still, it’s tempting. I’m in Hell. This is Hell. The infinite threes. My personal Hell. So I consider. I consider death. But not often.

I want life. I know that. I seek life. Death is quitting. I seek peace. A normal life. I’d enjoy that. Is that selfish? Am I wrong?

I hear voices. Sometimes they question. How dare you? Who are you? You’re a nobody. Don’t question fate. Just accept it. Accept your uniqueness.

I smile sometimes. At the voices. Ruled by threes. Just like me. Everything in threes.

But they’re right. Those damned voices. They make sense. Who am I? I’m so arrogant. Questioning God’s plan. Cursing my fate. Maybe I’m special. A true individual. God’s brilliant experiment. Man of Threes. Made with reason. Purposely designed different. But for what? To do what? There’s no answer.

***
I’m a mistake. Maybe that’s it. Maybe something happened. I was dropped. That might be. Dropped in infancy. A fatal bump. Socially fatal, anyway. Potential happiness destroyed. How incredibly tragic. What is happy? What is normal? What is belonging? I’ve never known. I am alone. Part of nothing. I belong nowhere.
Yet I’m here. A lonely outsider. The worst kind. Given no chance. Given the threes. The #ing threes. I hate this! I can’t communicate. Making myself understood. It isn’t possible. Searching for words. Three little words. Thoughts in pieces. The effort involved.

People give up. They stop listening. I’m a moron. Or a retard. Maybe it’s worse. Maybe I’m schizo. Some crazy psycho. But I’m not. I‘m just different. Everyone is different. Isn’t that true?

Yeah, maybe so. But the threes. They haunt me. I see others. They’re not different. They’re all alike. Only I’m different. And so alone.

***
To have someone. Someone who understands. Is that terrible? I want somebody. Is that wrong? Should I not? Love myself first. Is that necessary? Because I don’t. I just can’t. These damn threes. What’s to love? How can I? How could anyone? I am cursed. But what if?

I want love. I want someone. Someone with me. Someone to love. To say things. Three little words. I Love You. I understand that. Even the threes. They can love. Everyone can love.

Listen to me. Love’s the answer. Everyone needs love. I need love. But I’m okay. Really, I am. I have faith. I’ll find it. I’ll find someone. Someone who understands. Who loves me. I’ll speak threes. Three little words. Someone will answer. I love you. I will understand. Three simple words. I love you. I’ll be alright. Hearing those words. Those three words. I love you. Finally I will. I’ll love myself. Accept my uniqueness. Accept the threes. And love them. Love the threes.

-sm/02

[Edited on 6-7-2003 by quango]