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In the 1990's I interviewed a werewolf. Oddly his name was Jesus Christ.

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posted on Dec, 4 2018 @ 05:03 PM
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Tim: shhhh! I think there is a werewolf in my sock, what should I do?
Jesus Christ : Let me out.
Tim: oh, sorry - here you go, all out now, feel better?
Jesus Christ :Yes, but quit using me as a punishment device on the citizens owing you money.
Tim: well, how else am I supposed to get out of paying bills?
Jesus Christ : Slip on a crack and break your back.
Tim: that doesn’t help. Unless I tripped over a can of tuna and then could sue the maker of the can of tuna as they may have placed it on the sidewalk for marketing purposes - then again maybe not. Sometimes when you are werewolfing do you desire deer as opposed to human flesh just for a little variety?
Jesus Christ : Oh sure, it’s a common misconception that werewolves prefer human meat over others. It’s a matter of what meat is most easily at hand you see.
Tim: so in your frenzy you would even eat a cockroach?
Jesus Christ : Well, yes, but that’s beside the point. I wouldn’t normally eat a tree or a hydrofoil camper, for instance, but if they were the only things around…. Normally campers have campers in them, though. So all of this is conjecture without much practice in the field.
Tim: So, that means you are less hungry and ravenous than a Tasmanian devil?
Jesus Christ : Perhaps. But I have never been eaten by the Tasmanian devil while it is conversely true that I have eaten the Tasmanian devil. Perhaps my consumption doesn’t vary as much as his, but by the same token I must clearly be more ferocious.
Tim: Seeing how you have eaten a Tasmanian devil then I suppose that you consumed his/her ravenous soul and therefore you have incorporated his ravenousness into you soul.
Jesus Christ : No, I left the soul for the hyenas/televangelists.
Tim: holy #!
Jesus Christ : holy #?
Tim: hyenas and televangelists are similar to each other? That is pretty impressive.did you crush and consume the bones of demons?
Jesus Christ :I sure did little boy! Why, I even had a cart in which I kept my tent and other personal effects amongst the stacks of girlie tablets and chalk polka dots adorning early primitive Germanic dinner tables.
Tim: I am not sure how that is crushing bones of demons but …ok.. So, how many people do you eat on a yearly basis?
Jesus Christ : It shows I collected items, items can be used to crush demons into powder which resembles chalk that may be used to paint polka dots on dinner sheets. Do I have to spell everything out for you? Oh and as far as people eating goes, um let’s see, I ate about twenty six myself, much more if I’m feeding a harem.
Tim: I guess so; do you need to shower after being a werewolf?
Jesus Christ : Oh, of course. Being a werewolf alone makes me all sweaty, not to mention the way pizza stains work themselves into the fur.
Tim: what type of soap do post-werewolves prefer?
Jesus Christ : Lava soap, anything pumice.
Tim: do werewolves ever become gay? the reason I ask this is that it just doesn’t seem right that you would go to all the trouble to become a werewolf and then go around worrying about how you look and stuff like that while you are a werewolf.
Jesus Christ : Oh certainly. Canine homosexuality is something the officials don’t really want to be known. This is mainly because the findings indicate sexuality to be a gradation between opposites, in general, and as well a matter of necessity, as with the opportunistic consumption of foods.
Tim: so, if a werewolf is fat then he is likely a fag?
Jesus Christ : Noooo, a matter of what’s around, not over indulgence. The fatness/gay correlation has not been investigated, but this is not a trend I have noticed.
Tim: Do the straight werewolves get along with the gay ones? I mean do the straight werewolves call gay werewolves “Judy” and # like that when they are hanging around at the werewolf lodge? More importantly, do any gay werewolves enjoy listening to Cher?
Jesus Christ : There are squibbles of course. But most fights pertain more to territorial disputes, matters of gender confusion, practical jokes, and sleight of hand aggravation. Cher has not as of yet appeared, though I could see a werewolf eating some rare Cher fan out there and becoming infected. The mechanism behind werewolfism is much the same as the mechanisms of other infections, whether viral, bacteriological, psychological, etc. In this sense one could describe preference for Cher as a form of werewolfism.
Tim: so then that means that I shouldn’t go to a Cher concert?
Jesus Christ : Precisely. You are endlessly infected anyway, but Cher infections should be avoided, certainly.
Tim: See, so then there is bias! HA! I trapped you! Just wait until I tell my uncle Ted over at the ACLU, he is going to have a freaking heyday with you bigot-ass werewolves. I bet Christopher Columbus was a werewolf. Wasn’t he?
Jesus Christ : In what way is there a bias? A bias against Cher, certainly. This has never been hidden.
Tim: Well, I just think that you are being insensitive to those werewolves that enjoy Cher and getting a wolf cock up the ass now and then.
Jesus Christ : Yes, but the Cher infestation crosses all dynamics as far as I know. It was a Cher bias and not a gay wolf bias. In your assumption of such you have only proved your own bigotry through the association of Cher with only homosexual werewolves!
Tim: Look, it is impossible for me to be bigoted - I am a policeman for gay pride festivals…some of my closetest friends are gay.
Jesus Christ : Keep your enemies closest at hand, as they say.
Tim: Are werewolves are afraid of werepikes? Can a gay werewolf get it on with a gay werepike?
Jesus Christ : I suppose so, if proper precautions are taken.
Tim: If there were a baby that resulted from this union would it be something to worry about?
Jesus Christ : One of these precautions would be to make sure a big, mean gay werewolf hating Tim isn’t on the other end ready to jab it in much further than intended.
Tim: I will strike that from the interview
Jesus Christ : why?
Tim: Don’t you know the rules? The interviewer is never a bigot - God says so.
Jesus Christ :How many strike vetoes do you get?
Tim: Um…I am not sure, let me ask GOD..hold on a second
Jesus Christ : In the meantime, the union of a pike and gay werewolf could never produce offspring for the simple fact that all pikes are themselves male. Now, the union between a pike and a heterosexual, female werewolf could produce an interestingly deformed mutation. Like complimentary colors, when intermingled I suspect the result would just be a glob of grey goo. In exotic cases brown. I’m heading off for the time being. You would be well-served to meditate on my words and bless them with frog urine and metal discs that may or may not rust in that frog urine.




 
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