Flash and the Philosophers Stoned

Disclaimer: This is an adult-themed work of fiction loosely based on a set of very successful books and movies known the world over. It is meant to be funny and not an exact retelling of said books especially since, being an adult, I have not read said books and watched 20 minutes of one of the movies but switched back to Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives when a new episode started.

Any similarities between fictional characters is intentional.

Hope to not get banned from ATS!

Pt. 1, Welcome to the Hogwash, baby!

Hairy Porter had a zig-zag patch of bare skin where his eyebrows should meet that looked like a lightning bolt which is why everybody called him Flash upon his first day at sorcerer’s school, Hogwash School of Witchery and Necromancy. It had been an intense time when a real sorcerer’s apprentice showed up at the door telling a fantastic tale of the mystery of Hairy’s heritage. Hairy’s parents were killed by an evil sorcerer, Lord Boltusain, while fighting over a magic wand. When Lord Boltusain went to fry little baby Hairy in his manger all he could eek out was a small tendril of plasma that was not even at fusion temperature which then, at that very moment, gave Hairy his new nickname but that would be over 10 years in the future. Oh, and it also banished Lord Boltusain to Neitherland and stole his powers, too. Hairy’s aunt and uncle, being very keen and reading the papers, knew that young boys were going missing in the neighborhood at an alarming rate… some girls too. Thinking they had a predatory pedophile on their hands, it would take more than a few words from a giant before they would let that ball of fur go (it is not that they cared about Hairy but they were holding out for a better deal). Some money changed hands, a meat of the month club delivery set up, and some proper identification was flashed and young Hairy’s vaccination records handed over before they let young Hairy out of their site.

After a stop at a haberdashery to get a haircut, some brown paper bags for lunch, a new Hogwash suit, and a fretful time in the wand shop, which is when young Hairy found out he dressed to the right, they found themselves down at the bus station. A few druggies asked for some money for “bus fare” but when the plastic day pass was shown with a “Sorry” shrug of the shoulders, they moved on to other marks in the crowd. After the Methadone Zombies shuffled off, Hairy was pulled into what looked exactly like a bathroom where every fear of his aunt and uncle had was about to come true which suddenly gave way to a groovy 1960’s bus station with a bunch of electric busses belching nothing into what until recently was the moist London air.

“Where the hell are we?”, Hairy asked Hungridandone who was watching a slightly older, lithe girl walk by saying something to himself that sounded like, “That’s what I like about these Hogwarsh girls. I keep getting older and they stay the same age…”

“Uh, what?!” said Hungridandone, turning around with a little more than a flash of anger in his eyes. “Oh, this is the platform where are catching our ride to Hogwarsh.”

As other groovy busses pulled out, a small group of similar dressed 11 year olds were left waiting for their late arriving bus. Hungridandone was looking at his watch a third time when some voice called out across the platform, “Hairy?!?!!??!! HAIRY PORTER!!!”

Up rushes a skinny kid who lived down the block and because they all started school on the same year, quickly followed by an even skinnier girl in the gender enforcing version of the Hogwash suit under a huge shock of hair. The Terrible Threesome were back together! Juan Wessonly, Hermyownknee Grainger, and soon to be Flash, were facing each other, punching each other in the arm, high fiving, and flipping each other off, all alternately to the established pattern they taught each other in home room at school when the teacher would go out to smoke a cigarette that was just made legal in their country.

Hungridandone broke up the fun by announcing their bus had arrived. The Terrible Threesome grabbed their belongings in hand-me-down suitcases, except Juan who had an Army surplus duffle bag, stuffed them in the front of the bus luggage rack, handed their tickets to the ATM-like machine which then turned them loose through the turnstile. “The bus driver must shop at the same place the home room teacher shops at because they were wearing the same cologne,” thought Hairy. The Three stooges found a seating arraignment that worked and soon Hungridandone entered and informed the bus driver that they were all onboard. The bus driver closed the door, pushed a screen a couple times, and the groovy bus full of screaming 11 year olds and a giant, rolled away from the magical bus station.

A few explanations later about magic, a frightful meal, then the only thing that shut the kids up was when the bus took to the air as they travelled onwards towards Hogwash. Day turned to evening, then to night. The kids, possibly influenced by stealing one of the bus driver’s cookies and sharing it amongst themselves, were all asleep except Hermyownknee. Being a big fan of 80’s metal music, because their hair matched hers, and never falling asleep when at a sleep over like all the other kids, she got the nickname, Night Grainger.


Hermyownknee thought she saw something out the window following the bus. She was walking slowly down the aisle when a voice said to her, “Where you going? What you looking for?”

Flash was putting on his glasses as Hermyownknee’s eyes adjusting to the new focus point. “I thought I saw something outside the bus following us,” she whispered not even knowing why she was whispering since each seat had a magic spell keeping out aisle sounds from the sleeping apprentices.

“So you’re on dawn patrol?” Flash asked knowing that the joke was as old as her nickname. Instead of trying his share of the stolen cookie, Hairy pocketed it for later.

“No, this is real!” Night Grainger said with a trace of hysterics in her voice. Flash stopped kidding around and followed her to the back of the bus to look out the window. All they could see was country sides, mountains in the distances, the moon, a flying skeleton, and a river below… WHAT?! They looked at each other briefly and when they turned back it was all the same except no flying skeleton.

“What the hell was that?”, asked Flash only just then realizing he was cussing up a mean streak and if he wanted to be really cool at school he would need some new cuss words.

A voice from behind them said, “Too much! A magic bus!” Hungridandone saying over his shoulder walking back towards his seat, “Go get some rest. And Hairy, stop cussing.”

The rest of the ride to Hogwash was uneventful except when the bus driver tore up his driver’s chair looking for his… uh, “lunch.” He kept giving Hungridandone accusatory looks for the rest of the short trip since the Magic Bus was on autopilot and now he had nothing else to do to pass the time.

END. Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. 1, Welcome to the Hogwash, baby!

Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. II, When Hairy Met Drago

Stepping off the bus was a strange and exciting feeling. There were like the colors, man, The Colors! And strangeness, and new faces, and smells, and even more freaks than at the bus station. The Terrible Three were walking around staring at everything all the while Hungridandone kept urging, yelling at, “guiding” as only a giant could, his flock deeper into Hogwash. All those kids marching in their Hogwash uniforms were straight from a specific Pink Floyd video and the architecture was straight from Jane Austen. Everything was an exaggeration of a stereotype with horribly funny names that even the teachers themselves had trouble saying!

“Hermany…” started Madam Mannikin when Night Grainger interrupted for the umpteenth time another person who could not pronounce her name with an air of puhleez about her, “It is pronounced, ‘Hermione’. Like the flower?”

While gob-smacked at something up above in the robe fitting shop, Hairy Porter ran into a rather unpleasant cookie-cutter stereotype named Jimmy Malfreud whose group he was running with called him “Dragon” or just “Drago” for short but everybody else at Hogwash shortened further to Drag behind his back.

“Watch where you’re going! You git!” was already out of his mouth before he had turned around to see who had bumped into him from behind.

Hairy barely had the words, “Oh dear, pardon me,” out of his mouth when Malfreud turned to his pack of hoodlums, “Hey guys! Check out this nozzle’s crazy haircut! Did you carve that Z into your eyebrows yourself… Flash!!”

Flash was wondering what kind of kid would act like a complete… “Hey, Hermyownknee? What’s a ‘nozzle’?” asked Flash out of the side of his mouth.

“It is a very bad term that people use to call normal humans who develop the ability to use magic,” said Night Grainger with a scowl and disgusted look on her face aimed at Drag. Drago was oblivious as his ego was being recognized by his retinue.

“I am sorry to have bumped into you. I just got here and did not even know I was a wizard. My name is Hairy Porter. What is yours?”, tried Flash at diplomacy.

Drag turned his attention from the young fellow he was trying to share a moment with back to Hairy. “I am Dragon Malfreud from the House of Malfreud, you filthy nozzle!” proclaimed Drag with an air about him of being on the verge of betting the ski lodge on one downhill ski race between him and Flash or any one of Flash’s companions. Or maybe even the local Hogwash game of Squiddish but not knowing anything about Flash the tinge of failure and disappointing his mother and father held him back.

The witty repartee was interrupted when Madam Mannikin harrumphed and declared in her own authority, “Jimmy Malfreud here is your robe.” He gave Flash a look that said, “You will never, ever, say that name or I will turn you into a frog,” as if it was Flash who uttered that name.

Flash looked at Juan and Hermyownknee and mouthed, “Jimmy??”

Juan got his threadbare robe and caught up to Hermyownknee and Flash, (hey, the name was catchy! what can Juan say), since his name was near the bottom of the list. Juan thought to himself, ‘I wonder what would happen if you let the last one in, out first?’

“Whatcha thinking about,” asked Hermyownknee to Juan when she saw he was not really paying attention.

“Huh? Oh, what a jerk that Malfreyd guy is,” exclaimed Juan.

“Yeah! What a jackass!” offered Hairy which got him a stern talking to by Night Grainger about all the cussing he was doing lately.

The rest of the day consisted of nothing more than a hat fitting which they did not even get to keep! Flash, not wanting to be in Drag’s fraternity house, Blitheryn’, fed some crumbs he found in his pocket from the Magic Bus to the Talking Hat and that is how Hermyownknee, Juan, and Flash ended up in co-ed housing, different floors, in someplace called Scrapplefloor. The other two houses are Puff-n-stuff and Clawmachine, neither of which is all that good at Squiddish.

The next day was the first day of classes and a class taught by the Dean of Hogwash himself, Doubledoor, and the real start of the adventures of Flash and the Philosphers Stoned in the setting of Hogwash.

END. Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. II, When Hairy Met Drago

Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. III, That one where they learn magic spells

After wandering around a magic campus for a few hours, you kind of get used to the strangeness of it all and learn not to be too frustrated when the path you were walking on led back to a point you passed earlier. The older kids, missing sympathy for the young apprentices would just shake their head and mutter, “Froshes,” while going about their business.

Somehow, against the normal laws of probability, Flash, Hermyownknee, and Juan nearly bumped into each other at the front door even though they walked down the same path just a few seconds apart. The bell had not rung so kids were piling into class scoping out the seats they thought they could use to hide from the teacher. The sky blue bell ringing had not even died when the room went completely dark. The large wooden door was closed and there were no sources of light until a flash lit all the candles in the room. Against all reason, a large light focused on the door, a puff of smoke smoked, a flurry of sparks, and out through the smoke appeared a tallish, thin wizard, unlike any they had seen before. He had a shiny purple robe on covered in white stars with a matching hat; his shoes had lifts in the back like some of the “workers” wore while walking certain streets that Hairy only heard about recently; a black, feathery scarf was draped around his shoulders; Hermyownknee would later say she swore she saw pink socks when he walked into the room!

“Hello class! Welcome to Basic Spells! We will be studying from the classic spells book that established Hogwash…” his hands fluttered about him indicating ‘everything’, “back from our four founding Wizards each one of your houses is named after!”

The Grand Wizard turned his back to the class. The curtains sprang open, the candles died down and a more natural glow entered the room while he scribbled something on the blackboard.

“For those who do not know, I am the latest Dean of Hogwash. I am the Master Wizard, Doulbedoor, the Fabulous, but you may address me as Professor Doubeldoor,” he proclaimed while turning to survey the fresh faces then facing back to the black board. “Up on the blackboard is my office and office hours. I know that it may be a bit of a shock for some of you and the pressure of Hogwash can be… intense. So if you would like some guidance feel free to schedule an appointment during my posted office hours.”

Doubledoor turned back towards the class and was startled to find only two students were marking down the information in their notebooks, one hairy fellow who looked like he lost a bet by having to have a lightning bolt tattooed between his eyebrows, and a red head skinny kid sitting right next to him in a thread bare robe. “Interesting…” Double-D noted to himself.

The rest of the class was a tedious study of repetition that D-Door would share for a few laughs over drinks with the other professors at the local winehouse.

“… and then when she went to try Anejo Petronas, it came out as, Anejo Petrol us!! Which lit up the whole room in a fire ball.” D-D, paused for effect with a twinkle in his eye. He turned to an empty wine glass and tapped his wand on it while uttering the botched spell, Anejo Petrol us. Poof went a column of fire and smoke from the exploding wine glass.

A chorus of “Oooohhs” and laughs rang out around the table.

“Hey Dean, could you keep it down on the explosions? OK?” came the waiter over with another round of wines for the table.

Pars Minuta Fixus, said The Fabulous while waving his wand placing the glass back to empty and unexploded. It was a small spell correction spell he had been saying all day after the apprentices’ mispronunciations. “Sorry.”

The school week flew by with each being an adventure and misadventure in turns. Towards the end of the week, Flash was packing up for the end of the day when Doubledoor came up to his desk and asked, “Hairy, would you come by and see me during office hours tomorrow?”

“Yes Professor Doubledoor,” a startled Flash got out before the blessed relief of the end of the school week bell sounded.

Flash was confused about what it all meant and spent like the whole time up to the meeting talking about it. Meanwhile, Night Grainger, living up to her namesake, went out and had a misadventure which if Flash were not there to keep on talking about himself would not have been able to save her from the mountain troll. Then, the hour arrived for the meeting.

END. Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. III, That one where they learn magic spells

Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. IV, When Hairy Met Doubledoor

Flash sat there while Doubledoor puttered about gathering plates and cups for tea when out of the blue he turned to Hairy and asked, “Quick! What time is it?”

“Almost half past four…” started Flash only to be interrupted by Doubledoor, “Exactly what time is it?! Now!!”

“Four seventeen,” offered a startled Hairy.

Doubledoor put the cups aside and moved quickly to the smoking room where above an empty bowl he waved his wand and uttered a spell, “Herbaceous Dank!”, which suddenly filled the bowl with flowers that were all shriveled and smelled like the Magic Bus driver’s and homeroom teacher’s cologne.

“Do you know what this is?” asked Doubledoor.

Flash said, “I think it is for a new cologne that is all the rage…” while attempting to rub the sticky flowers on the inside of his wrist.

“No!” commanded DoubleD. “That is not what it is for. It is called ‘tobacco’ and comes from a far-away land called ‘Tie-land’ and is the best when smoked just before tea.”

Doubledoor put some of the strange tobacco into his smoking pipe and sampled his yield. Relaxed now, he turned to Flash, “Hey, it is four twenty somewhere. Where were we… oh yeah! Right. The tea.” Followed quietly under his breath, “Five points Puff-n-stuff”.

The tea was just like any tea Flash had had before but there was something about being in that room with Doubledoor that allowed his mind to wander like the conversation. Turns out that as Dean, he was just checking in on his younger students. He muttered about it should be all teachers being advisors for students to give them “structure in the future” and possibly see which ones would be fit for teaching at Hogwash. What seemed like a short time later, Doubledoor sent Flash back home for dinner time was fast approaching.

They spent the next day casting spells which was not going any better than the first day of class.

“Abracopotamus!” tried an increasingly frustrated Night Grainger. “Anejo Petronas!” tried Flash for the second time.

“This spell does nothing! What a frakking useless spell!” said Flash showing off the new cuss word he heard around Hogwash.

Juan said out loud to nobody in particular, “What if somebody were to cast a spell on a wand so that the wand would check the magic spell book and ask you if you really meant to say that wrong spell or the correct one?”

“What?! Like a ‘spell check’?” said Flash. “That would make casting spells take too long! By the time you needed to get one out it could be too late!”

“Huh? Oh, you could turn it off if you like! Customize your wand so it would help you have a better user experience,” continued Juan. “A kind of speak and spell…”

“You’ve been hanging out with Doubledoor at tea time too much!” offered Hermyownknee. “Just the other day Hairy went over and came back talking about our bodies being made of atoms which are like the stars we see in the sky at night where people live made of atoms that are also stars, where other people live made of atoms… a bunch of crazy talk! Then he ate a sandwich in two bites and took a nap. Some tea time!”

“I got better,” Flash sheepishly added.

END. Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. IV, When Hairy Met Doubledoor

Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. V, The one where that one thing happened and that other thing too

Drag and what looked like the rest of Blytherin’ were walking up the path.

Juan groaned at the same time Flash sighed. Hermyownknee was saying something to herself over and over again but nobody could hear what she was saying.

“Hermyownknee? Why don’t they get sidetracked onto different paths like we do? I almost missed breakfast the other day,” asked Flash watching the flock come closer.

“I was wondering the same thing. I read up on the history of Hogwash. There is something about Blytherin’ fighting it out with Puff-n-stuff and Scrapplefloor at some Squiddish tournament. The losers had to take “Wandering Paths” and Blytherin’ won by cheating. Now they won’t shut up about it,” said HNG already bored with her history lesson.

“Hey nozzle Flash!” started Drag.

Hermyownknee jumped up and screamed, “Quit calling people ‘nozzle’ you frakking stuck up Frosh!” Drag turned on her, a wolf ready to devour a baby deer that bleated out at the wrong time when Hermyownknee drew her wand first, pointed it at Jimmy and yelled, “Absentaneous Paterfamilias!!”

Drag stopped in his tracks. A look of shock and surprise on his face; all he could manager was a sputter, “J-just wah-wan-wanted to let you know we are going to win the Squiddish tournament again this year!?” Tears welled up in his eyes. He looked down at his shoes and yelled to his followers, “Forget Scrapplefloor! Message delivered!”, as they turned as a group and went back up the path whence they came.

“Great Spirit in the Sky!” exclaimed Juan. “Yeah,” added Flash, “What did you do to him?”

Hermyownknee smiled. Then after another look up the path, “Oh, just cast a Senior-level spell. That is where I am at in reading ahead. It won’t hurt him except for the fear he already has. Frakking idiot.”

And that is how the Terrible Three were never called a “nozzle” to their face for the rest of their stay at Hogwash by Drago.

After a bit more spell casting they decided to go hang out in the commons area before going to dinner. They had figured out that if they kept a certain distance within each other they would travel as a group along “Wandering Paths.” Juan was thinking of a way the paths could be mapped because there seemed to be a sequence to the turns that were skipped if he could only write them… and bumped into Hermyownknee and Flash who had stopped moving. As a group they took Juan one step beyond where two had been standing before and found themselves standing at the entrance to the Foreboding Hallway which was strictly off limits after that one thing happened to that one student that nobody talks about.

“Hey!”, tried Juan, “we are not supposed to go in there!”

The other two were all for Juan but always out voted him so he had to content himself as being Juan for all. That is how The Three found the courage to enter the Foreboding Hallway. There is a scary build up and lots of dialog including the dead girl, they determined it was a dead girl Hogwash student that wandered down the same hallway years ago, but the beans have been spilled and there is no use trying a Fixus spell on it!

A wind blew out their torches before they entered a grand hall. The hall had its own torches allowing enough light to see that all the corners were dark. HG, followed by FP and JW crept forward into the hall.

“Let’s get out of here”

“Shhhhhhh!”, in stereo.

A step further… They smelt it before they saw it. Eyes glowing, a chain rattling, and a loud panting sound growing towards a crescendo of a growl. Hermyownknee’s knees were shaking. Her knees never shake thought Flash only to be interrupted by Juan’s own panting increasing in tempo. The lightning bolt on his forehead itched which always meant danger was near. A sound of toenails scraping the stone floor moving faster right at the Three broke Flash out of his inner monologue.

Juan was beating a hasty retreat, Flash was close behind and Night Grainger was right next to him, step in step. The creature coming at them was fast approaching gauging by the intensity and frequency of the claw sounds. The chain noise stopped just before they reached the darkness of the corner Juan had memorized as “the way they had came” and then a yelp, and a thud. Skidding to a halt, they turned in unison to see 3-legged dog struggling to get back to its feet.

Flashed produced a brown paper bag and offered it to Juan to huff and puff into but a bent over Juan waved him off.

The dog was back on all three, straining at the collar and chain to reach his quarry.

Flash looked at the dog while an idea came to him. Taking out his wand, he waved it over the empty brown paper bag and uttered, Herbaceous Dank, to fill the sack with that tobacco which was all the rage.

Flash threw some at the dog who at first ignored it then when some hit his snout on the second toss, he gave it a sniff. Then a lick. Then, tail wagging, was eating it all from the bag Hermyownknee had taken from a stunned Flash.

“Aw!” said you-know-who, “who’s a happy dog?! Who’s a happy puppy?!!”

“Don’t let it lick you! I read a story about a guy who had his arm amputated because a dog licked him…”, offered Flash to a frolicking Hermyownknee and Tripod.

“Hey look!” said a confused Juan. Flash turned to see Juan pushing a doggie dish that had skidded out of reach from Tripod’s radius. A few minutes later, Tripod was on his side taking a nap.

They wandered around and found some trap door. The smell of wet dog became overwhelming and they had their own dinner to think of so they agreed to not talk about this to anybody.

END. Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. V, The one where that one thing happened and that other thing too

Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. VI, A Clean Sweep and a Clue or Two

Hungridandone was walking out of Doubledoor’s after tea time while the three travelled Wandering Paths. He turned around and said in his giant voice, “Well, at least nobody knows that the Philosopher’s Stone is kept there!”

Doubledoor went to the door giving the giant a scowl while scanning the walkway. “Humph,” was all he could manage.

“Do you think he saw us?” asked Juan walking behind the other two.

“No. But it is like he just knows when people are around. It is kind of spooky,” said Flash.

“I wonder if you took Wandering Paths and applied it to the light around you?” wonder Juan. “The light would not travel straight lines or bounce off of you either. It would be like a window where the light just shines through…”

“Juan, you have the strangest ideas!” offered Hermyownknee with a playful punch to the arm as they stepped off Wandering Paths at their destination. “Although, when you did figure out that the paths turn in that math sequence like rabbits breading that sure has made our walking between places a lot easier!”

“Except the library,” said Flash. “I have to stop twice to get there. Always.”

“It is because the sequence never lands on ten,” rolling her eyes with her umpteenth explanation.

“I wonder if you could reverse look at Wandering Paths if it was in the air?” again to no one in particular.

“Watch out!” came a yell down the hall as a Squiddish broom came hurtling at the group.

And that is how Flash became a Squiddish player as he effortlessly, clumsily, yet naturally, hopped on board and went for a spin around the court yard before handing it back to its owner.

After broom sprints were over the three met up at dinner. There were shenanigans with fellow Scrapplefloor students until Drag showed up and again tried to give Flash the business. Juan jumped up when tensions were at their highest and ran out to the library to “look something up” which was the break he was looking for because it gave Flash three steps towards the door.

Before lights out the three had a plan to go visit Tripod and view what was hidden underneath the door. And Juan was successful in creating Wandering Paths with a couple other spells giving them a mostly invisible place to stand behind. Juan was still ironing the kinks out. He also was partially able to see Wandering Light Paths but only when behind it himself. When they met Tripod, Hermyownknee fed him some HD, and he was settling down for a nap, they had a chance to try it out when somebody came by to check Tripod and they hid behind WLP and noticed the spell on the trap door. The spell was only on the handle and lock, so Flash popped the hinges and removed the whole door. Tripod was asleep when they went down into the looming darkness.

END. Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. VI, A Clean Sweep and a Clue or Two

Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. VII, Welcome to The Pit of Despair

Quebit and Cage Flannel were in the darkness trying to do the bidding of their master. Quebit had one of his master’s wands. The wand, with the right spell, would send whomever it touched into the heart of the Philosopher’s Stone. Once inside, it was better than carbonite. The Stone was not as impressive as the tales made it out. It was dull red and stuck in a gaudy scepter that looked cheaper than the gold leaf pressed onto its handle.

“I don’t think those dumb kids are smart enough to figure it out,” Cage Flannel said, “It is not like in the movies where it is easy to steal the Declaration of Independence.”

It had taken both of them and a different wand to beat the snot of some old wizard professor to find out where the kids were going. But after figuring out which building they were interested in, Quebit knew they had to be coming to the Pit of Despair for the Philosopher’s Stone.

’It is almost too easy,’ Quebit told Cage while picking up Master’s wand. ‘They are walking right into a trap and don’t even know it.’

Hermyownknee no longer had fear of the dark except maybe a fear of mountain trolls in the dark. Since she knew the most spells she led Juan and Flash. Not knowing what else was down there made their progress slow even when creeping around dark, dungeon-like rooms that had not been used in decades.

“But I’m hungry now!” Juan whisper-pled to either who would listen.

“Shhhhh!” and “I told you to take a sandwich…” came out at the same time. Then Night Granger stopped moving. “I’m trying to listen to anything moving down here so WE DON’T DIE!!” said very sternly but also very quietly stunning the two boys silent. Facing both, having their full attention, Hermyownknee said, “That is better.”

She paused for effect, then turned and walked off not bothering to see if her companions were following.

They came upon a large room that had more light in it than the others. Not needing to be asked they all came to a stop together. The sounds of a couple voices were coming from the room. They looked at each other and did a visual Ro Cham Beau with Juan coming out with the short straw. Juan mothed, “fine,” as they switched positions. Juan, then Hairy, followed by HG, slowly entered the room.

Two men stood at a table with the ugliest scepter they had ever seen. Flash looked back and shrugged, “what is that?” Hermyownknee shrugged back, “F# if I know” and now it was Hairy’s turn to scowl at her choice of language.

Juan clung to the darkness. He began moving to his right just to see if there was anything else behind that ugly club.
The two men stopped talking and turned to look where Juan had just been.

Faster than they knew it, Quebit whipped out a wand and said, Intrusor Erecti, while pointing towards his left hand side. Juan had been crouched down behind a box when he heard the instruction spell. He immediately stood up from his hiding place.

“Well, look at what we have here,” said Quebit to the audience he knew was out there in the shadows. “Where are your friends, hum? Where is Hairy Porter?” continued Quebit as he approached Juan who could do nothing but stand there stunned in silence.

Hermyownknee knew it was only a matter of seconds before that man said the spell again in their direction. She wove a version of Wandering Light Paths but with Air instead. She and Hairy found themselves in a cocoon of silence. They decided to move left after Hairy nodded in that direction.

Quebit walked over to where he thought the other kids were hiding while trying his spell again but again with no results. Cage gathered up Juan and moved him nearer to the table to clear a path for Quebit to probe around the room.

Night Grainger and Hairy were close to the table. They had a whispered argument about what to do. Hairy wanted to fight but they both knew the wand was powerful. That is when an idea popped into Hairy’s mind. Not wanting to wait or try and explain he took action and stepped out of the WAP spell.

One step, two steps, Hairy started to run towards the table where Juan was standing with the other man. Quebit saw it too, Quod Bart Quod, the trap spell, aimed right at Hairy’s back. Cage Flannel also began moving towards The Stone.

There was a flash, followed quickly by another flash. There was a crash as something heavy fell to the floor. There was a sound of shattering glass.

The ricochet from the wand had blown Quebit across the room and into the wall. Hermyownknee had helped and her wand was still pointing at his chest where he had been standing. Hairy stood there one step from the table. The scepter lay on floor behind the table. Cage Flannel was nowhere to be seen. Juan was shocked. The three friends looked at each other. Someone chuckled, then laughed, then they were all laughing.

That is how Hungridandone found them.

Hungridandone explained that he found Doubledoor beaten in his cottage. He managed to tell the giant to find the kids in the Pit looking for The Stone and that it was a trap. His last word before he lost consciousness was a plea, said more with his eyes, “Hurry!”

***

They were sharing tea at Hungridandone’s place; trying to fit the pieces together.

“So you are saying Lord Boltusain is trying to come back,” said Hungridandone with a rueful statement rather than a question. “That cannot be good news.”

Everyone nodded at the prospects of that statement.

“What I don’t understand,” said Juan, “Is I saw the spell hit you, Hairy. Then it just kind of went around you and hit that other guy. How come?”

“I don’t understand that either,” said Hermyownknee.

Hairy took another sip of tea, paused, then tried to explain what he thought happened.

“I think that it all started when I was attacked as a baby in my crib by Lord Boltusain. I think that Doubledoor was trying to tell me some of this when I would show up for tea. If the atoms in me are other stars with other people with other atoms in them, then when Lord Boltusain’s magic hit me, some of his atoms became me and my atoms became him. When his wand was used against me it knew that it was actually Lord Boltusain and ignored me. It hit the other guy and zapped him out of existence,” pondered Hairy. After a bit of silence he added, “I think.”

“Well, you are all safe. That is what matters!” offered Hungridandone so the conversation would not turn back to future fears.

A knock upon the door. Special H went to see who it was and an owl dropped a scroll into his giant hands.

“Who was it?” came two of the three at the same time.

“It’s for you, Hairy,” said the giant as he handed the scroll over.

Hairy unrolled the invitation unsure as always what it means when the Dean specifically asks for you as a summons.

END. Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. VII, Welcome to The Pit of Despair

Flash and the Philosophers Stoned, Pt. VIII, Desperately Seeking Ending

Doubledoor lay in the infirmary looking rather calm for the events that transpired. His smoking pipe was sitting on the night stand, “cached” from the morning’s smoke. Hairy was finally approached by the nurse who quietly said, “He’s awake and wants to see you. But keep it short. And do not upset him.”

“Okay,” Hairy managed to say, followed after a short pause, “He’s going to be okay? Right?”

“He’s a strong wizard,” was the reply with an even more cryptic smirk.

Hairy walked into the well-lit room to find a bed against the wall and the two tall windows thrown open letting the sun reflect off the white linen sheets holding a different figure than he had known all semester long. Instead of the festive clothes they had all become accustom to, Doubledoor had the standard issue infirmary robe on without his fabulous hat. The effect was to make him seem more of a regular person than the Dean of Hogwash.

“Hello Hairy,” offered The Fabulous. “Why you look like you had a good night sleep.”

“Uh, yeah. And how are you? Are you alright? I mean, you’re not hurt? And why…” came a torrent of questions that had they not been interrupted may have lasted halfway the next semester.

“Yes, yes, my boy. I will be fine. Just a little bruised after being tossed around,” affirmed D and D.

Hairy, placated, looked down at his feet. “Look Professor Doubledoor. I am really sorry I did not get your hint earlier but….” Which again was quickly interrupted.

“But you did get to it in the end. You saved me. You saved your friends. You have placed Lord Boltusain’s plans back several months. You confronted an evil wizard that some grown-ups do not even believes exists; that it is a tale to get children to behave and go to sleep.

“Do you know why you were able to do what you did to Lord Boltusain?”

Hairy looked up, a tear in his eye as he became aware where this line of reasoning was leading.

“Yes,” continued Doubledoor explaining a past Hairy was not aware of, “Your mother.”

“You see, when your parents were confronted by Lord Boltusain they knew what eventually would happen. Your mother loved you so much, Hairy. That is the most powerful magic there is. She gave her life so you could live. Of course, nothing is perfect,” Hairy’s hand went to his forehead, “Yes, you could not escape unscathed. Your lightning bolt is a two-way street. You and Lord Boltusain are connected which is why they were after the Philosopher’s Stone. Quebit was trying to entrap you within so you would be at the mercy of Lord Boltusain.”

“But Cage Flannel was trapped in The Stone,” said Hairy wondering all the while what other future plans were already at work and lay in wait for him as the world he was looking upon out the window suddenly felt a lot smaller. “What happened to him?”

Turning around to face Doubledoor and await an answer, he found the wizard comfortably asleep.

Hairy looked upon the wizard when a thought hit him, “Wait,” he whispered, “How did I save you?”

END - Flash and the Philosophers Stoned

All done!

I found myself stuck off the internet for large swaths of time. I needed something to pass the time so I started this story. Mostly to make me laugh since I could not spend my time here on ATS posting away.

I hope you find it as funny as I do! Ended up being a rather touching story in the end. It started as a joke and a pun, (funniest name evah! Hermyownknee!!), but ended up being a touching tale.

I do not think this is the end of the Terrible Threesome but may need some time to think up further tales!

a reply to: TEOTWAWKIAIFF

Yikes. I was expecting a 50 word flash piece for the monthy "contest".

I love a good long yarn, so I'll be back.

a reply to: DictionaryOfExcuses

Oh, it would have LIF2018 after it!

A writer has to write! lol!

BTW, can still enter the contest!

a reply to: TEOTWAWKIAIFF

I think I've been disqualified due to entering three pieces instead of the allotted two.