posted on Nov, 18 2018 @ 07:00 PM
not lightly, i made my decision to publish the following here.
i made this decision because of the sole reason, that i was thinking of ats while i was writing.
amongst many motions and observations i hold toward ats, there is always the one i cherish most, which is to grow above my illusionous shadows.
so once again you helped me to step further on my path into a desired direction, and for that i thank you, ats.
I wrote two letters, one to my gallbladder and one to my father. these letters now are open letters on the subject of awareness and healing.
so i caught you out, didn’t i.
although you stood there for a long time avoiding to look me in the eye, still thinking you will have your ways. but eventually you gave in.
i can do with you what i want, you said. i can kick you around as i wish. and kicking you i did. the reason i don’t kick you too hard away is for
the sole purpose to keep you close enough for me to keep kicking you, as i wish. i possess you. you are my life.
and i let you kick me because i did not know that it was you who is kicking me. diminishing me. making me sick. making me respond in ways i was not
happy with. keeping me your prisoner.
finally i caught you out and put my attention on you and you started to crumble. you started to focus on yourself, your right to exist, you bragged
with your power. the more you bragged and the less i interfered, the more you tuned into all of your aspects that also revealed your truly ugly face.
you even committed to pity for me, to see your wicked ways and feel remorse. it is not right what i did to you. you said.
sure enough, it was not right what you did. but you won’t get me to feel compassion for you for admitting your weakness. you go as far as to admit
that you deserve punishment. i can kill you, you said, if i wanted to. still casting your dirty eyes to the floor.
now you make sure to understand, yes, i will kill you! i will kill you by starvation and from there, even in your death, i will keep you under check
for the rest of my life.
now you meet my eye. suddenly. mesmerised by my resolution. and the expression in your eyes tell me, i will win.
then i will transform you, dear gallbladder. you are the name giver to a system known as the gallbladder meridian, all of which you tried to sicken,
the meridian of love and kindness, my domain, and you will serve me to shine my light, my specifically designed and cared for light, into the
dear (step)father !
you were the meanest leanest piece of human ever to treat me from a position of authority. worse than your brother. i was a child, and you blocked my
sun. you were a black cloud surrounding me demanding submissive humiliation and fear in return. you were going to throw me in the rubbish container.
left to suffer and to rot.
you made my life hell, and that of my revolted, crying, dying, diverted mother “who you loved so much”.
only your own children counted and you used my obscured appearance to influence them against me. to mold them. you calculator! you made me to be a
worm. worse than a worm. you deliberately spit on my life and my heart.
and i felt sorry for you. all my mistreated life i felt sorry for you. i saw your background and the madness in your eyes. the madness of false
perception and self-harm which you projected onto me. you thought if others see in me the hate you had for yourself and the cause of your suffering,
they would also hate me and give you adoration and esteem. would hate me, the traitor from a previous love, undeserved innocence, a gorgeous child as
your brother, the child molester, put it.
i felt so sorry for you and i had a soft spot for you in my heart. you never noticed. until your last breath you manipulated my loved ones to give you
unearned respect. even from your grave your poisoned arrows came flying toward me. but they do not find their mark anymore.
time was on my side and now you are recognized by all your children for what you did to a lost child needing love, care, direction, education,
protection. not that the others would care now. they talk themselves into keeping you in their well needed loving memories nevertheless.
now you admit that you would have never thought, it will be just you and me at the end.
now you ask me for forgiveness. can you forgive me, you said.
i look into the distance. nearly distracted by the beauty of branches and leaves swaying in a mild soothing breeze. there is so much i could tell you.
about my feelings in my heart for you. then i shake my head.
it seems i can’t respond appropriately to love standing right in front of me.
i need to soften my own strength to feel strong again.
i need more healing.