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New dad question

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posted on Oct, 11 2018 @ 10:27 PM
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I feel sorry for the first timers -- my first was my husband's second, so he'd already BTDT, therefore I often defaulted to him for a reality check.

Most s# first-time mothers obsess over are bulls#. I partially learned that the hard way, with a husband exuding common sense to temper it from being total hormone-driven bats# stupidity.
Tell her to calm TF down and show her my post. BTDT myself, she'll dig her heels in over hearing it, but a slap of reality will save her a LOT of burn-out once it clicks in the belfry.
edit on 10/11/2018 by Nyiah because: (no reason given)




posted on Oct, 11 2018 @ 10:37 PM
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originally posted by: ccseagull
She has to rest when the baby rests - that's all there is to it. My husband would take baby to the park and allow me to get some sleep. You might offer to do something like that which is wonderful bonding time for you and baby while Mom gets some needed rest and a break from baby. She may feel like she wants every moment with baby but she will be recharged if she gets those breaks on top of the rest she should be getting too.

This, but resting when the baby rests is actually poor, jumbled advice. If the only other person in the house is the baby, THEN yes, rest when the baby rests.
Otherwise coordinate with others to make sure HER rest is priority. My husband wrangled a 15 month old and a newborn when he wasn't at work for a minimum of 4 hours for the first few months so I could get some rest, and it was not negotiable on his end. Either I rested, or they all went for a walk without me.

Period.

And if I wasn't napping by the time they got back, they went for another walk until I did.

Of course I got a case of mommy-knows-better-than-you ass and fought him on it for a few days, but he was right in the end -- I needed the rest more than i was ever willing to admit and him taking the toddler and baby out so I could crash and rest was a blessing. not a lot of dads think to do that and mean it hardcore.
edit on 10/11/2018 by Nyiah because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 11 2018 @ 10:43 PM
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I must have been atypical.

I let husband split the night duties especially with me. We traded off the overnight feeds, and I was more than happy to let him, and made every effort not to criticize a single thing he did. I am pretty sure I wasn't perfect at it, but I tried really hard. I wanted him to be a good daddy and involved, and I figured the best way was to get him going right from the start. Plus, I knew he super wanted a kid, more even than I did (not that I didn't want one, but he really, really did).

And make sure she doesn't stress that C incision. I remember that I felt awesome after the first week home, so we all went grocery shopping to get out of the house, and I felt like my guts were going to bust out all over the floor by the time we were 2/3 done. It was the only time I took any pain meds for it. Those can sneak up on you!



posted on Oct, 11 2018 @ 10:57 PM
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a reply to: ketsuko

With the first kid, we split the care evenly, though somewhat fragmented/staggered due to his work hours & not all at once -- 8 hours of mommy duty while dad slept, 8 hours of daddy duty while mom slept, 8 hours of shared duty so we could spent time together awake, lol. It actually worked very well, until kid #2 came around, and at that point, I thought I was a seasoned veteran parent and could wrangle both the 15 month old and newborn by myself.

It didn't work out well.

Ultimately, I quit arguing about everything when my hubs actually raised his voice at me and yelled. Only time he ever did, and it made a mark. I still remember his words word for word today. "You want to end up in the hospital for clinical exhaustion? BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU F#ING END UP IN THE HOSPITAL FOR CLINICAL GODDAMN EXHAUSTION. You're not a f#ing superhero, you're MORTAL, and postpartum mortal bodies WILL QUIT ON YOU."
Yeah, that hammered it home all right. Dawned on me it wasn't a competition and wasn't worth being a haggard mess for nothing anymore.



posted on Oct, 11 2018 @ 11:21 PM
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You are doing good. My best advice is that this initial phase seems like it will last forever; it doesn't and looking back it will be like a quick flash so enjoy the baby as much as possible.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given is, that after awhile you will argue over who has gotten more sleep.. LOL

Although I will say as a mom, I sleep with one ear open and can go from deep sleep to wide awake when I hear a disturbance or my child saying "mom".



posted on Oct, 11 2018 @ 11:34 PM
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Friend. We all have different experiences so no advice given will be the truth to your situation. Do what you can do, and accept what criticism you are given.
But also remember it is the first for both of you. So the criticism may not be correct.
Naps are key, not for you, but for mom. You too if you can nap.

Best of luck. And a belated congratulations to you.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 12:01 AM
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The second day my son was home I was holding him while walking into the kitchen and accidentally bumbed his head on the door jam... he didn’t cry... I almost did.

Diapers were a nightmare for me. First time I changed him I thought I did pretty good. Till I picked him up and he went number one and it leaked all down my shirt. And their timing is always horrible. Can’t tell you how many times I changed him had literally secured the diaper and heard him go again.

It’s a lot of work and a lot of annoyance and lack of sleep but most definitely worth every sleepless night and every shirt that has to be thrown out. Although he is still at a cool age so he hasn’t started back talking yet. Not looking forward to that. Good luck and welcome to the club.
edit on 12-10-2018 by Somethingsamiss because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 12:16 AM
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a reply to: Somethingsamiss

Talking back is when you have the opportunity to have your own views challenged. As you are on ATS, you know how to source material. Why fear?
You only have all of education and media to fight against.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 12:46 AM
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originally posted by: Irishhaf
How long is everything I do in regards to the baby is wrong?

Warm up the milk for him... its to hot its to cold..

You did the diaper to tight..

You didn't use enough diaper rash crème...

She is 150% zeroed in on the kid and we are coming up on 1 month and she still hasn't seen the doc for her follow up, or gotten anything else done that she needs to get done because she doesn't want to be away from the baby for 1 second.

I literally have to push her into bed so she can get 4 hours sleep, and god forbid I let her sleep for 5 or 6 hours and feed the kid from her bottled breast milk.

The kid has only gotten on my nerves one time so far... the wife on the other hand...

So any tips, suggestions, or advice are seriously appreciated.


Milk put it on the inside of your wrist to test temp. Diapers snug but be able to fit a finger down if ya had too. my wife was that way at first but once she saw I wasnt gonna dribble her on the kitchen floor she eased up, our first had colic which is exhausting on top of already being tired. So spent many a night sitting in the rocking recliner with both my kids but especially our first but its good cause you kind of bond with them. Sounds whatever for a guy, but you do. LOL it helps later spending time with them. Dont freak if they get thrush first time I saw it thought I had the formula to warm and scalded her mouth.Like I said our first had colic and could only really use the nurse soy which is not only expensive but in the 90's suburbia was hard to find, so be glad your household got working teats. Main thing is take a deep breath you get to make who this little person is, who they are, help them reach their potential their happiness. That first one is a wonderful beautiful 26 year old woman and her sister is the same just 13 months behind, they are great daughters and Im so blessed that we have a great relationship but it starts in those years 1-6, it goes by fast and their id drama but you will miss it when its gone.

One thing and its probably online now our doctor showed us how to sometime hold her if she wasnt calming down, hold them with your arm between their legs palm of your hand supporting their chest LOL ALMOST LIKE CARRYING A FOOTBALL LOL. patting their back cradling them worked much better for burping than over the shoulder.
edit on 12-10-2018 by putnam6 because: additions



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 02:36 AM
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I started to take my daughter out for long "Daddy daughter walks" which involved me walking around super markets getting slightly mad when people didnt comment on how cute my daughter was. After the 5th or 6th day of it I came home to find my wife asleep.

So I started to increase the duration of the walks, safe to say she went back to normal.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 02:38 AM
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originally posted by: Irishhaf
So any tips, suggestions, or advice are seriously appreciated.


Relax and enjoy the ride. Your relationship will change, but don't get jealous of the baby as that's the road to ruin.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 03:49 AM
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a reply to: Nyiah

I suppose it would help you if I were more clear. Baby certainly isn't going to the park with Dad to romp on slides and swings - it's a newborn (!) so of course it will sleep while with Daddy and Mom can sleep at home.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 05:26 AM
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I am figuring you and very few people know what to actually do
Try professional help, like a doctor or nurse or someone who knows

She, the mother is going to need a lot of love and patience



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 05:48 AM
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Listen up... this could be important!

After pregnancy it may seem as though you as a man can do nothing right. This is natural, she loves the baby like nothing else...

But also...

If it's getting out of hand, and I mean you know, like seriously 'odd' then you must not take it out on her and you must seek further advice.

Why?

They call it post-natal depression - but that description doesn't come close - depression is not the descriptor. The medical term is puerperal psychosis.

Ok yeah, maybe you think I am over exaggerating?

I'm not. Do some research on this and compare what your Mrs is doing to the research. Then make a serious and informed decision.


Not all is what it says on the tin -seriously man, I strongly urge you to consider this form another point of view. And if you want further advise - PM me.

EDIT - not sleeping is an early warning sign.
edit on 12-10-2018 by and14263 because: (no reason given)

edit on 12-10-2018 by and14263 because: (no reason given)

edit on 12-10-2018 by and14263 because: (no reason given)



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 06:25 AM
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Just wait until he's 30 and still at home with no job and no hope of getting one.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 06:36 AM
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oh, i thought you were adopted for a second and asking about your new dad. it seems that you recently had a kid. how does this exactly change the nature of replies i am not sure but give it some time.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 06:58 AM
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a reply to: Irishhaf

In a weird way I was very lucky with my first child. I had a month off work and my wife was far too damaged to look after him, so I did every night feed and all the changes etc. It really dropped me in at the deep end, but it meant she was able to recover fully and built my confidence up very quickly.

However, even though I was doing everything, she still couldn't help herself but tell me what to do. It was frustrating at the time, but it's totally understandable looking back. A new mother is barely in control of these feelings, she just has this overriding urge to be in full control and it must be very scary trying to give up any of that.

All I can tell you mate, is just keep on doing right by the child and eventually when her new mummy hormones die down a bit, she will appreciate it.

Like previous have said, if she is neglecting herself for the babies sake, you need to put your foot down and make her look after herself somehow, regardless of how mad she gets.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 07:00 AM
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a reply to: and14263

Yes, my wife had the psychosis too, was a tough pregnancy but now all is good and she is battling with morning sickness on the next one!



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 07:35 AM
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a reply to: Dem0nc1eaner

Incredibly tough time isn't it...

Did you put controls in place for the second time round? We did and all worked fine. The second time round I was stressed for the whole 9 months because of unknowns. But it all turned out good.

The one thing that stood out for me was the lack of awareness on this subject - until you begin talking about it. Another thing which stands out is I know personally a couple of blokes who left their partners shortly after the birth because "they just went fkn nuts". I know one of these ladies and yes, she did indeed get psychosis and went months without treatment.



posted on Oct, 12 2018 @ 07:46 AM
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a reply to: putnam6

Oh lord, yes, COLIC!

Ours went through that colic phase. Like clockwork every night at the same time. We ended up with one of us with the kid on our lap and the other one running back and forth to the microwave with a slightly damp tea towel warming it. The only thing that would soothe was to take the warm towel and put it over his tummy and rub in a circular motion.

Since we didn't have a heating pad, and we didn't know how long the colic would last ... back and forth to the microwave with slightly damp towels while the other massaged.

I managed to burn a hole in one of them.



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