Dysfunctional families

We all have them, we just pretend in public that everything is roses and unicorns.
I was one of five siblings, oldest brother died in a horrific accident at work a few years ago, it was a disaster for everyone else because there had been a big family fall out with him and none of the rest including parents spoke to him for maybe a year before he died so they carry major guilt and regret which I don't. We stayed friends, I didn't take sides, he was my bro, who cares about bull# issues, I don't.

I 'ran away' from home aged 16, there is a Beatles track which sums up my situation back then 'She's leaving home', the lyrics are poignant "She's leaving home after living alone for so many years", that was me, alone in a family environment which couldn't discuss or face emotions... ...fast forward decades and while living away I'm the one still holding the family together.

My next oldest brother has gone down a path of addiction and become the outcast of the family, he had a stroke & heart attack, was in hospital for two weeks and didn't tell anyone, he's not answering calls from family and everyone is pissed off with him, but I'm not.
My mother rang me about it yesterday and I said I'd ring him (we haven't spoke for months but last time we did we were happy), well he answered, and a good hour on the phone I slyly used my amateur psychology to bring him round to ringing our mother. I glossed over the bull# and just wanted him to re-connect so we didn't end up with another lost 'child' gone without love being felt between each other.

I rang my mother immediately to explain the score and agreed we will conspire with each other to 'fix' the family relations with me basically being the go-between with the siblings.
It's crazy, I ran away all those years ago, but because I'm not involved personally in the day to day politics I'm the only one who can influence the rest of them positively.

I'm not sure what this OP is supposed to be about, maybe I should have posted it in the rant forum, but it's not a rant, more just getting some emotions off my chest, so if you identify with crazy family stuff please do feel free to share it here.
...will help me feel I'm not the only one lol

Your not alone at all, I come from a deeply definitional family, plagued by alchohol and drug abuse for generations. It’s up to us to break the chains. Your doing good work guy.

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

Any relationship takes work.

Good for you for putting in the effort and helping others to do the same.

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

I'm reminded of the sayings:

1. "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family".
2. "Families will turn on you faster than your friends will".

M.S.

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

The only good thing about being in a dysfunctional family is that it will either break you, or forever make you a stronger person.

I feel that I'm the only one out of my siblings that went on to lead a normal happy life. My siblings are still grappling with a lot of depression and other issues from childhood. They have never learned to let it go. One has pretty much gone off the deep end and lives a somewhat cultish lifestyle, the other has severe anger issues along with substance abuse. Instead of breaking the chain, they have what I consider horrible, emotionally deranged marriages.

Just a little advice that I have to tell myself too, you can't be everything to everyone!

I'm the youngest of 5.
And the most forgiving and tolerant.
Next year when I turn forty. I will banish forwith from the kingdom of heredom the whole lot that is my family. They are too devilish. They scheme and plot and connive. I'm done!

It's time to look to the little ones who are about to become of age where they see what I see.

a reply to: JAGStorm
Gosh, I identify with everything you posted.
The world my family lives in is massively different to mine, it's hollow, shallow, and angry. I'm the odd one out, my world is feelings, relationships, emotions.
I thought running away all those years ago I'd escaped that environment, but now I find myself moderating in it lol. When our father died I was the one who did everything to sort the finance and legal stuff out, was there 6 weeks and even lost my job because of it.
When I got back here I bought a pizza and 8 cans of beer, went down the beach, looked at the waves and sobbed uncontrollably because I was finally able to grieve and it hit me like a train. Someone called the cops and two turned up, I explained I wasn't suicidal blah etc, one touched me gently on the shoulder and said he'd done the same and knows how the beach is the best place to cry.
...a cop with emotions

originally posted by: mysterioustranger
2. "Families will turn on you faster than your friends will".

That's a saying I haven't heard before, the mad thing is my day to day life 'family' is my friends, my best friend is like my brother to me, if I'm in the # I go to him before my genetic brothers. Of course it makes a difference that he lives walking distance from my house lol
...he would never rip me off though, 20 odd years of friendship is deep. I wouldn't even be angry if he ever ripped me off, I'd be absolutely gutted in my heart. Same he would feel if I ever did him over. Family is indeed a broad brush.

a reply to: Pinocchio
I'm youngest of 5 as well, and I am indeed different, maybe there is a conditioned social aspect to being the youngest?
Right now I strangely feel like I'm the oldest - it really is strange.

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

I'm sure you can relate to what I posted, I didn't say it, but our stories are scarily similar. I left at 18 to "escape". I am now the only glue that holds the dysfunctional family together.

The weird thing is, and I sense this from you also, is that now we are the "parents" of the family, even to my siblings.
I have literally taken the role of the parent. It is so draining. I have my own family to worry about and just want to cut all ties with my siblings and parents sometimes, but I can't do it.

I love your cop story. Anyone that has been through it knows how bad it is!

I come from a normal family. What the hell does normal mean anyway? We all got along pretty darn good, we all got along well with most other people too. Now, I do know lots of families that were disfunctional and I could never understand why they would want to be that way. Us kids did not always do things that pleased our parents, but my kids do not always do things that please me either.

I was the helper, the fixer in a large Family. The go-between the one with more money back then bale out person. I love them all and always have but as of today only one speaks to me, the ones I helped the most have dumped me for various reasons of which I only understand the one, have no $$ to hand out anymore.

They are not Christian as I am so they hate that too. Well, our real Family is not flesh and blood, we are all just humans here making our choices taking our sides. I pray for them all to open their eyes.

a reply to: JAGStorm
'Parent' yes, I feel like that now, even talking to my mother it's like I'm the only one who knows what she wants/feels/needs, she cannot express herself to the others with the same honesty and clarity.
I feel like I'm herding the cats for her, but I accept the role because I want rainbows and unicorns in family relationships.
It is a strange situation to me, especially as I'm the black sheep who lives an alternative life to them all.
...maybe I shall promote the black sheep mentality and lifestyle.

a reply to: rickymouse
Ah nice to read a 'normal' family experience
I like reading your posts and I imagine you in a rural setting being all 'real' with life n stuff. Doesn't surprise me that your family is different to mine...it's in the genes haha

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

I was driving my parents and they started arguing in the car, and I had to yell at them and tell them to simmer down or I'd have to park.
Now that was a real twilight moment!!

I am totally the black sheep of the family, and my siblings used to make fun of me for it.
I think because I thought different from all of them is what saved me.
Seriously, the only reason I put up with half the crapola is that I know my parents time is very limited. They are both sick and going downhill. My siblings don't care because they are so wrapped up in their own lives. I know when my parents pass they are going to have a much harder time with it. There are too many things that haven't been settled.

originally posted by: JAGStorm
I know when my parents pass they are going to have a much harder time with it. There are too many things that haven't been settled.

Same for my siblings, they will be broken more than I will when Mam/Mum/Mom goes...I know her stories almost like a third party...stuff she could never speak of to the rest. Black sheep is like black gold in a sense, the naughty one you can open up to honestly from your heart.

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

From reading not only this thread but, other posts of yours, I see a wonderful person with a big heart. You will never have regrets when any family member is gone because you have a lot of love in your heart and kept the lines of communication open. Kudos to you!

Don't ever change!

a reply to: Night Star
Ah thank you x, but we can only farm the land we've got!
...my land is rugged and needs a trim is all
Family is just wow level, full of crazy cats needing herding lol

My sister and I still laugh every time were are together, happy that we are not murdering sociopaths, or complete drooling idiots.
It is close some days.
Some days, you can just be happy you "survived" your family. If you can keep them together, that's a bonus.
Full blooded, half siblings and multiple step siblings and parents.

Herding cats seems so much easier. And so much less emotional. LOL
Hang in there!

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

Good job. And keep at it.
It’s all way too short to let something stupid stand between a family bond.
Do you best, but remember, your only one person in this. It takes the entire family to make this work.