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My therapist wants me to do this

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posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 05:48 AM
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originally posted by: BrianFlanders
I would have told him the truth. I abhor lying even when it seems like "the right thing to do".



I too abhor lies but in this instance I believe it was the 'right thing to do.'

Many people are afraid of death, so to console and comfort someone in

their last moments to allow someone to pass peacefully rather than in

fear and terror surely cannot be wrong?

Where is your empathy?




If it was me, I would want to know the truth instead of having someone lie to me. I don't like to be lied to. If I'm going to die in five minutes, don't tell me I'm going to be fine.



Well your never going to know you were lied to anyway? You'd be gone

.........dead. But peacefully because of someone's empathy.




posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 06:11 AM
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a reply to: Allaroundyou

It's called Compassion.

Most people would have done the same.


Why does it bother you so much?



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 06:30 AM
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a reply to: Allaroundyou

I would not classify that as a lie. I'd do the same.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 06:45 AM
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As a NDE survivor, I will say you did exactly the correct thing. You calmed and comforted a suffering individual. You told the truth by saying that things will be alright. Dying is not the end, I have been there, we are all going someday and it is not to be feared.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 06:49 AM
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In his last moments he wanted reassurance and you gave it too him.
You did nothing wrong.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 06:53 AM
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I have seen a friend killed run over by car. I was walking him home one late night and he was recklessly distracted type of personality. He was drunk ran out on main road and car hit him and flung him quite far. I got there and found him dead with eyes wide open and staring into infinity. You story makes me realise it would of been worse if he was dying and asked me that question. There is nothing other than what you said which would of been appropriate.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 07:20 AM
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Sometimes no answer is the best answer. You did the best you could in that situation. You will always second guess yourself: that's being human. You did no harm. Your answer was not going to change the situation one way or the other. Everyone is different. You cannot possibly know all the answers in life; just do the best you can. You were there. You comforted. That's enough. Please just love yourself. You are not God-not perfect-so let it go and enjoy your life. You sound like a sensitive, caring person and worthy of love and yes, forgiveness when you feel you need it.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 07:34 AM
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this thread has produced divvided opinion on weather a " realistic " or " optimistic " diagnosis should be givven to a patient

just to weigh in with my opinions on why one should ALWAYS say :

" you is going to be ok "

one word " HOPE "

very often its obvvious that a situation = terminal , but we are not perfect - and rarely aware of all the circunstances - and how they may change unbeknownst to us [ for worse or better ]

its quite simple - if you tell someone they are going to die - it promotes giving up and dying

if you tell someone they are going to live - it inspires hope - and encourages them to fight

bring hope - not despear

evven if it means lying

just my opinion - YMMVV



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 07:37 AM
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a reply to: Allaroundyou

Imagine if you'd told the truth and said, "No. You're going to die." The guy might have panicked and gone out in a really bad way. You did just fine.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 07:42 AM
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originally posted by: Allaroundyou
So I have been regularly seeing a therapist to help deal with stress. She knows that I hate her but I am still willing to go for the sake of my mental health. She wants me to share an experience I had when I was in my early 20’s. She told me to write it down and share it anonymously and for me to think about how and if that helped.......

So I guess I will do so here....ugh this sucks but here I go

When I was 22 I was at a party and doing the whole DD thing. A friend and I are playing a racing game called “most wanted”. At the end of our race another buddy came running into the house screaming at me to help someone that was just hit by a car. They knew that I was CPR certified and had an obligation to help.

I rushed out to help but realized he is in a state that he could not be moved and I knew he could not be saved. I took my shirt off and threw it over the parts that no one should see. I grabbed his hand and talked to him.

Now this is the part that has been eating me up for almost a decade.
He asked me if he was going to be ok. And I lied and said yes. That has been killing me ever since and I think of that exact moment when I become upset for whatever reason. It sucks but that is why I have been talking to someone.

Anyways I did what she asked and that is it.


Same scenario with me....2:30 am.....cannon shot outside my front door....I stagger up open said door and STRAIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE not 20 feet away from me is a car on the road and small pieces of glass are spinning like tops on the icy road it was winter.....I see the cars passenger door is open and I see that the bus bench and Newspaper boxes that belong nearby are gone....I assume someone has hit them at this early hour on a Saturday night....so I assume the driver fled the scene and left his car.....but I have to check and only a few seconds have gone by....I run out in my bare feet and skivvies in -25 below zero weather because I fear someones life could be on the line.....I make it through the glass and debris to the car....no one is in it......at that moment another car drove up and asked me if everything was ok...I said it looked like someone had written off the concrete bus bench and Paper boxes and they look to have fled the scene and they might be hurt and not know it....so I asked the driver to please drive around the area quickly looking for an injured person......so the guy drove to search...I turned to go back into my house to get dressed and my god ...I had walked right past another car that was 20 feet to my left in my neighbors yard embedded into the trunk of a huge old tree....and a woman was pinned in behind the otor and steering wheel of an old Dodge Dart...both femurs with compound breaks and extreme facial lacerations and other injuries....I walked directly over to the car and saw the damages and began to talk to the woman and console her and tell her to not move and that everything was going to be ok...then my neighbors wife came out of their house 6 feet from the car....I sent her backin immediately asking her to call 911 then bring a blanket and do NOTHING ELSE ...thenher husband came out behind her and began asking questions of her...I so I COMMANDED HIM TO SHUT THE PUCK UP AND GO BACK INSIDE AND CALL 911 AND THEN BRING ME A BLANKET BECAUSE THE WOMAN WAS IN SHOCK......about 20-30 seconds later another neighbor came running up and said she was a Nurse and could she help...I surrendered the scene to her and told her I neded to get clothes and shoes...she took over and I turned to simply walk 20 feet to my door and get dressed....jesus...there were 3-4 people all standing around MY CAR in front of my house looking down....I walked over ans saw what they were looking at...a MAN was completely under my car with his head and shoulder wedged between the curb and my front tire....all you could see was his head and shoulder....no one was helping him they were just in shock themselves gawking down at him....I immediately abandoned going in to dress and told them to help or get the puck out of the way.....then I knelt down to the man and saw that his head was stuck up on top of the curb and his airway was blocked and he could not breathe...I knew the severity of the scene and I knew he was going to suffocate on his own blood...I knew not to move his head or spine...I knew the risks but he was going to die right there...so I yelled to the people standing to get me some goddam clothes and shoes....and I gently laid my hand underneath his head and neck and began to slowly slowly ease his head down onto my hand from the curb to open his airway....his airway opened and he began fighting to breath and talk....the entire time I was consoling him and talking to him and encouraging him and when we heard the sirens begin I encouraged him more and he began to fight harder to breath properly....at this point I had been given shoes and covered with a Winter Coat....but my hand had completely sunken into the back of his skull....my hand was inside of his head and I could not move because his airway had to stay open for him to breathe....I yelled to the first Fireman on scene to get into my car and move it off of him away from the curb ...one did so....as soon as the car was moved with 3-4 Firemen standing around and not doing anything I YELLED FOR ONE OF THEM TO WAKE THE HELL UP AND GETOVER TO ME TO HELP ME...UN FRACKING BELIEVABLE THEY REFUSED and told me they were waiting for their Supervisor and that I was doing fine....they didn't help the woman either they ceded the scene to the off-duty Nurse who was already there like they ceded the scene to me....I was boiling inside over it to be frank....then the Ambulances began to show up and the Paramedics began to asses and take over the entire scene thankfully they did not waste a second they were all business...ok I just had to shed a few tears.....the PTSD thing is real it never goes away the emotion of the moments stay wth you forever...…….

Yes I told that man many many times he was going to be ok and to not stop fighting that he could hear me so he COULD MAKE IT AND TO NOT GIVE UP...almost every time I re-doubled my encouragement he began fighting harder....he could hear me...he was aware...my hand was embedded into his skull and I knew from the get-go that the odds of his survival were almost zero but this NEVER FORMALLY ENTERED MY MINDSET until ...the Paramedics had assisted and gotten my hand out of him and gotten him into a neck support and onto a stretcher.


I did NOT LIE....when I told him to fight and that he would be OK …. even though I had an idea of the odds --- no one knows how the Universe works and I NEVER GIVE UP....

The young man was only in his twenties..a University Student coming home from a late-night job....he pulled a U-turn on the road in front of my house to park his car...and was broadsided with no braking...by a 49 year old woman who was on her way home from a bar...….I later discovered by overhearing the Paramedics who were on scene discussing things later in Court that BOTH had alcohol in their blood ...both were over the legal limit...one barely over the limit- the man -and the women she was 3+ times the legal limit.

The boys mother called me at 8:00 am in the morning....her son had died at 7:55am and the first thing she did was ask for my phone number to call me...she NEEDED TO KNOW...dam I cant see my keyboard.....tis ok..
edit on 1-9-2018 by one4all because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:01 AM
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originally posted by: ignorant_ape
this thread has produced divvided opinion on weather a " realistic " or " optimistic " diagnosis should be givven to a patient

just to weigh in with my opinions on why one should ALWAYS say :

" you is going to be ok "

one word " HOPE "

very often its obvvious that a situation = terminal , but we are not perfect - and rarely aware of all the circunstances - and how they may change unbeknownst to us [ for worse or better ]

its quite simple - if you tell someone they are going to die - it promotes giving up and dying

if you tell someone they are going to live - it inspires hope - and encourages them to fight

bring hope - not despear

evven if it means lying

just my opinion - YMMVV












The hardest thing is after I talked to the police and went inside was all the blood on me. I will never forget that. I remember when I went in I thought it was only going to be on my hands. But no it was all over me.

I remember thinking it’s only going to be on my arms and hands, but then I realized my pants are soaked along with my chest. I also remember hoping in the shower and curling up in a ball while all the blood washed off and crying because I couldn’t save him.


ATM I didn’t think that I would have such a problem in my future with this instance. But man these things can haunt you. I originally started to see a witch doctor because of my night terrors. Then this comes up.
edit on 2/19/2013 by Allaroundyou because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:12 AM
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Sorry I ran out of room to finish....when she called me I was still in shock myself.....she wanted to talk to the last person who had spoken to her son.....aside from medical people....I will not bare her soul to the world now and detail her or my words ...I am baring my own soul now which is my right....I will say this...Her Son could not speak for himself but his actions held words to me in those moments...I DID NOT LIE TO HER....her son was a FIGHTER and he was BRAVE and he was COURAGEOUS and he NEVER GAVE UP...he WAS THERE AND HE WAS AWARE AND HE WAS FIGHTING AND HE DID NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT...…..do not feel survivors remorse.....if you had good intentions then you are ok.....shortly after this time in my own life I stopped drinking alcohol cold turkey....alcohol in retrospect had been setting me up for a fall of my own and I did not see it happening ...till years of absolute sobriety later....if there was only one thing I could do today many decades later I would like to find that Mother and thank her and tell her that her Son saved my life and made the lives of everyone around me better....because his courage and his strength and his moment combined with his Mothers love concern and acceptance...BROKE ME LIKE A GLASS HAMMER.....together her Son and she had WOKEN ME FROM MY OWN SLUMBER OF IGNORANCE....it didnt happen overnight....but they were the catalyst.

I spoke for a man who could not speak....I took his emotion and his battle into my own heart in those moments and when I later spoke to his Mother for him I was speaking from and for BOTH OF US.....and those words were as true as his love for his Mother and for his life....I became one with him in those moments and I was gifted the right by virtue of fighting side-by-side with him to speak for both of us of those moments...I was gifted the moments and I EARNED the right to represent the Team by giving all I had to the bone and to the heart and to the moment....and the words I said to his Mom will always and forever remain between myself a Mother and a Son.....3 of us will forever know those words...it is what it is....if I was not absolutely on point with my words the only person I wish forgiveness from is the man I represented to the best of my abiities.He was not alone....that is the crux of a Mothers love..she wanted to know that he was loved and cared for in his greatest moments of need that he had a friend and an advocate and someone to FIGHT FOR AND WITH HIM.......no one could ever love a Son like a Mother I cannot even fathom the depth of this.


You did good.No worries.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:12 AM
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I think I would want to be lied to myself. "Yep, you'll be all good buddy."
The reality of knowing I am going to die would freak me the # out I am not ashamed to admit.

You did the right thing I reckon OP. But end of the day what we think is moot. It's about how you feel about it.
Cannot see how you did anything wrong here honestly to feel guilty about.

Being a civilized and compassionate human is a good thing yes?



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:20 AM
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Not trying to be insensitive, but that one incident has been causing you stress for 10 years to the point of seeking counseling? Or is there more going on? Of course that was a trauma but people have suffered through a lot worse than that. I assume there are other factors affecting you.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:23 AM
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originally posted by: AtomicKangaroo
I think I would want to be lied to myself. "Yep, you'll be all good buddy."
The reality of knowing I am going to die would freak me the # out I am not ashamed to admit.

You did the right thing I reckon OP. But end of the day what we think is moot. It's about how you feel about it.
Cannot see how you did anything wrong here honestly to feel guilty about.

Being a civilized and compassionate human is a good thing yes?


I can see why lying can be used for good but in doing so on a mans “death bed” seems bad.

Now I am going to open up here.

I was holding his hand when he asked me if he was going to be ok. I had my other hand holding things in for the paramedics, I lied to his face and he smiled at me. That was the very last thing he did. Besides 3 words that will stick with me forever.

“I love you”



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:24 AM
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originally posted by: Allaroundyou
So I have been regularly seeing a therapist to help deal with stress. She knows that I hate her but I am still willing to go for the sake of my mental health. She wants me to share an experience I had when I was in my early 20’s. She told me to write it down and share it anonymously and for me to think about how and if that helped.......

So I guess I will do so here....ugh this sucks but here I go

When I was 22 I was at a party and doing the whole DD thing. A friend and I are playing a racing game called “most wanted”. At the end of our race another buddy came running into the house screaming at me to help someone that was just hit by a car. They knew that I was CPR certified and had an obligation to help.

I rushed out to help but realized he is in a state that he could not be moved and I knew he could not be saved. I took my shirt off and threw it over the parts that no one should see. I grabbed his hand and talked to him.

Now this is the part that has been eating me up for almost a decade.
He asked me if he was going to be ok. And I lied and said yes. That has been killing me ever since and I think of that exact moment when I become upset for whatever reason. It sucks but that is why I have been talking to someone.

Anyways I did what she asked and that is it.


Couple things. I'm an EMT/Advanced Life Support... You we're never "obligated" to help anyone... Neither am I.. But I do, and you did.

In training we learn that 1St... If you're not comfortable doing resuscitation /CPR...then don't do it... You're never under any commitment ...many train and don't ever want to have to do it. With that... you are never responsible if you don't render aid.

As far as telling someone they are going to die or not: 2 things.
1. Never lie.
2. Never deny the seriousness.

Never assure anyone "you'll be fine, or OK". There is a million other ways to assure, reassure and comfort. You do what you can... and move on.

In er situations... I "tag" the injured w colored ribbons... and when tagged w either black (black being dead or dying) or red for immediate attention... You re-assue to comfort... and no guarantees.

Life is to live, and life leads to death... No one can tell you otherwise.

You did the right thing and did nothing incorrectly. When asked "am I gonna die? "....I'll say... "We're gonna do everything we can". No promises, no guarantees, no permanent prognosis.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Smile, let it go.... You did right.

Best, MS/EMT/ERT



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:26 AM
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a reply to: oriondc
Your good, I have multiple things that have happened in my past that have caused me griefs. Some much harsher than others. But this one has has eaten me alive ever since.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:34 AM
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a reply to: Allaroundyou

He asked me if he was going to be ok. And I lied and said yes.

What- telling him the truth and having him die in a panic would have been better? For who- for you? YOU COMFORTED HIM. Sometimes, comfort needs to be lies to keep the person on the other end from becoming undone.



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:40 AM
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a reply to: Allaroundyou


If it were me laying there I would prefer you lie to me. You did the right thing!



posted on Sep, 1 2018 @ 08:41 AM
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a reply to: Allaroundyou
You did the right thing! What else were you supposed to do?

"I don't think you're going to be ok. These injuries can't be fixed, they are too severe and you aren't going to make it. I'm so sorry."

Of COURSE you did the right thing. That person needed comfort and that's what you gave them.



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