When Saltine Crackers go bad...

So I've got this sweet "Surplus Grocery" spot, near me, a "preppers" paradise, and about a year and a half ago I nabbed 3 boxes of Saltine Crackers for $1 (a buck).....

So last year I finished off one box. This year I hadnt really bothered the other two boxes (the kind that have four long narrow packs of crackers inside the box)...

Then recently I went to eat some from a breaker pack in one of those remaining two boxes....

I suppose they were just slightly "expired" (by the MFG Standards anyways) at the time of purchase....

And eating them wasnt even possible (despite having toppings worth roughing it for all ready to go), as they tasted like... paint.

Not quite as bad as oil based paint, at least, nor quite like epoxy paint (which I surmise has no taste as its such a perfectly hard material), but definitely like 3 day dried latex acrylic paint.

So naturally I decided to dump each breaker pack into the fire, as the cats surely wouldnt walk within five feet of them...

And they were unfit for the compost setup as they have salt...

And I'll tell ya, they would probably make for halfway decent firestarter kindling, as you'd think I had just dumped shards of pine particle board on the fire when I poured the 7 breaker packs into it rather quick like...

So naturally I got to wondering, maybe that's exactly how dried latex paint would burn...

Meaning of course I went and grabbed a big 'slap' of dried latex paint and threw it in there (the sort of patch you peel out of a paint bucket after its fully dried for a few days, and then left to dry in the sun for a few more)...

I snip you not, I seriously had this most perfect specimen of latex paint on hand for this most ultimately serious example of a controlled science experiment ever contemplated...

So I threw it in there...

Could still see many crackers not yet burnt because they didnt get far enough in there...

And the patch of latex paint in the fire next to the crackers (no pun intended), had the most astounding results...

It burned both "faster" and "slower" than the cracker did!

It managed to do this simultaneously (which is without a doubt a truly indisputable marvel of all known and fictional science theory)...

But after many minutes of advanced enhanced exotic calculations, and my nose, without any doubt whatsoever roughly the same amount of energy expelled from the patch of dried latex paint as would have roughly the same dried mass of saltine crackers (that smelled like three day old dried latex paint) would have...

AND, the smell of the fire didnt change at all from one moment before the latex paint was added (while the crackers were still going at it), and after!!!

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

Holy crap!

a reply to: Phage

Dig. But shouldnt you already be busy debunking my latex paint = saltine crackers hypothesis? At least call paint racist or something.

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

Nah. I'm busy with an approaching hurricane. I knew better than to buy saltines as survival food though.

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

The latex paint probably burns at a lower temperature. That would explain the "faster and slower" thing. Although it doesn't seem too safe to burn paint, but I really don't know. Cheetos have the same effect.

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

Interesting thread but I have one thing to ask....How is it that you know what all that paint taste like?

a reply to: Phage

Oh I got them it was such a good deal even if I didnt eat them all it wouldnt matter...

For survival prep crackers you want the kosher "Passover Crackers", which have like a 10 maybe even 20 year shelf life. Five bucks nabbed me 20 boxes of them. Havent bothered to try to eat yet, didnt even buy them for that, per se...............

a reply to: DrCoathanger

When you dollied a 300 or 400 pound log into the fire tonight it top it off (and make sure it 'never' goes out), a few ounces of dried latex paint inst hardly a drop in the bucket of hazard contemplation.

Crackers seem to get bad smelling when they get old. We try to keep only enough in stock to last till the expiration date. We usually eat about a box of Saltines every couple of months. Sometimes using them for coating meats too.

originally posted by: IgnoranceIsntBlisss
a reply to: DrCoathanger

When you dollied a 300 or 400 pound log into the fire tonight it top it off (and make sure it 'never' goes out), a few ounces of dried latex paint inst hardly a drop in the bucket of hazard contemplation.

Haha yeah, that's true.

a reply to: Allaroundyou

Well naturally, when you live in a "mad science laboratory", and to be the ultimate pain in the ass know it all of course you need to have a firm grip on 'materials sciences', well inherently you know these "gimmicks" all too well. Per se.

a reply to: rickymouse

As with all "foods", ignore the "Expiration Date". Ifs its no good you can look your way into knowing not to eat it, or your body wont let you. The "Expiration Date" is part for stores to ensure you can bring it home and it last on the shelf for some time longer, AND to compell consumers to thro snip out (without even trying it) and hopefully you'll go but a new one).

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

Just fyi if you run out of matches and need to transfer a fire from one place to another (like from candle to candle) a strand of spaghetti works amazingly!

a reply to: JAGStorm

And, with the proper equipment, you can now break it into just two pieces.
Science!

a reply to: Phage

But i wanted exactly three equal portions of fire from a spaghetti noodle.

Denying me this is oppression, or something, as I'm offended, therefore surely any contradictionar response to this is "hate speech". Gahwl!

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

Invent your own damned machine then.

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

Probably made in China. Full of lead and asbestos. Good thing you didn’t eat them.

Those are a trap crackers made by the Chinese Mafia. Designed to turn poisonous when an American obtains position of them. You lucked out. You must have had some duds though because the salted ones are also designed to explode when they touch flame 🔥

a reply to: Alien Abduct

I had this girlfriend that has kids, and I kept insisting that we take Chicken McNuggets (wich are "Chicken Foam" of course) and reconstitute them into Playdoh, for their science fair...

Sadly that idea never gained traction in time...

But then just now I got to thinking, 37.49777393 seconds exactly, roughly speaking, that you might be right, and these crackers (no pun intended) where made from the byproducts of Chinese organ harvesting factories...

Now if to test this posit I just had a few ounce strip of .....

a reply to: IgnoranceIsntBlisss

Saltines are not people.

a reply to: Phage

Are you saying I'm wrong?!?!? That's offensive! (and is therefore "Hate Speech")

Get with The Programming or go fund your own nation state!