I've logged in so many times to talk and wind up just reading along as the words won't come. If you all could indulge me this morning, it may prove
cathartic for me. There are some things that I can't speak about publicly yet (it wouldn't be appropriate) and not very appropriate for a conspiracy
site either but, I think I need to get it out. Some of you that know me "off site" may have picked up on "something" going on. So much has happened
and I certainly didn't want to burden anyone (even in the internet world) and I don't feel much positively speaking and well, that's where I am.
On the bright side, which is hard to find but, IS there if I squint and look real hard (note to self: appt with eye Dr needed!) my youngest daughter
will be graduating in December. Her 18th birthday is in about 3 weeks and a long time joke with all of us (her older sister, me and her) has been "Oh
my gosh, they survived ME as a parent!". Funny aside...I had never planned on children. Having been adopted, I figured if the overwhelming desire to
be a parent ever consumed me then I would adopt. Well, I had my two daughters and later in life adopted my 3 nephews so I like to think that I
experienced the best of two worlds.
So my sister, who is 84 years old, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer. Her wife (47 years together), partner, caregiver who is battling cancer herself
took a fall on July 4 and wound up with a pretty serious ankle injury so, of course, I collected my sister and have been making trips back and forth
to North Carolina every couple of days, working my full time job and caring for my sister. Her wife is finally home from rehab (too early though IMO
due to insurance and we can't afford $265/day for private pay!) and that's been about two weeks now. While she was in the hospital, they have now
discovered two masses on her liver and I imagine that it won't be long now. I took my sister home and came back for some R & R. I say this all 'matter
of factly', truly, not seeking pity just providing context for the rest of this (what has turned out to be a long and drawn out) post-sorry!
My sister has two sons, one that hasn't spoken to her in about 14 years (a great mystery to all of us!) and her youngest one who she is very close to
that lives in Florida. David (and his brother) practically lived with me and my parents full time when we were all growing up. Although there were
nearly 10 years between us, we were raised as siblings. He was never my nephew, he was my brother and I was his "sissy". The only time David wasn't a
daily part of our lives was when he went into the Air Force. He was on the AWACS during the Iran hostage situation (giving you an idea of time). It's
sort of ironic, really, the way that we were raised as my Mom was 13 years old when she had my sister and my sister was raised as a sibling and not my
Mom's daughter. My Mom had some serious complications during pregnancy and delivery and had to learn to walk and talk again (stroke, blood loss, brain
injury etc.) and that took a few years. I suppose it was easier and less of a stigma for the family to just pretend she was another sibling.
David was a long haired biker after the service, we went everywhere together. He was an independent although spent a lot of time with different clubs.
He was well liked, respected and well he helped raise me it turns out. I followed him around, Pennsylvania, Virginia and Florida, lived with him off
and on (I left home at 15) and we were very close. He was a player but, finally met a woman that he settled down with. They lived together for 10
years before getting married. She passed away a few months after my Mom (Jan '15). I don't think he was ever okay again. You know, hindsight really is
I was upset with him for the past couple of months. I never spoke of it but, I was. He was unable, and honest and up front, to help me with my sister
(his Mother). He had work commitments, was afraid to leave his home and property due to theft and he had a tenant on the property in another
residence. All weak excuses, to me...I thought he was being selfish and I needed some relief/help. Who was the one being selfish again? So we'd speak
weekly and I'd update him and that would be that.
He called me last Sunday and I was...exhausted I guess (who's making weak excuses now?) and didn't answer either phone. His name and number flashed up
on the television screen and I thought "call your Mother!". Then my cell phone rang and I thought "Dave, I just can't today". Fast forward to
My sister's wife called me at work and asked me to sit down. Two sheriff deputies were there. The sheriff in Florida called the sheriff in North
Carolina. David's employer had called for a welfare check and the police found him in the living room. He had his wife's ashes and had written a
letter. He had been dead approximately 4-5 days although we can't confirm that yet as the coroner hasn't finished with him. He ate a bullet. He ended
his suffering even though we don't know exactly what that was yet. I'm hopeful that the letter will make some sense of it all.
My emotions are swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other. I can't believe he did this to his Mother right now but, he didn't do anything to
her did he? He did it to himself...I suppose I am still in shock and can't quite wrap my head around it. What the absolute hell?!! Why didn't I answer
My closest friends and family all say what you'd expect, "it's not your fault", "don't blame yourself", "cowards way out", "blah blah blah". I can't
be angry for him ending his suffering and pain. It was HIS life...it's just the pain he has created and abandoned his Mother just when she needs, or
will soon when her wife dies, him the most. She needs all of us! I've had a difficult time saying any of this out loud. As if not saying it makes it
He just was never the 'type' of person that I would expect to do this. I would have expected him to reach out. I was always the one who was 'in my
feels' and he was always the rock. I just don't know. My girls are almost all I have left. I don't know what I'll do when I have no one else to take
care of...If he felt as alone as I do today, I can empathize with his pain...I can't imagine what he was going through and will always blame myself
for not being there.
Thanks for the 'session' guys! I hope everyone (if you survived this far without poking your eyes out with a stick LOL!!!) has a beautiful day. It's
sunny and warm here in middle Tennessee and I love it. Yes, I am one of those weirdos who like summer! I imagine I'll be going on a trip in a few days
to sort things out. I'm on call for work until Tuesday so...I'll be hermiting until then.
Can we make it through to the other side? Sure we can!!
All of you that have survived...YOU give me hope.