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(Sorry to go slightly off-topic Boadicea but it may help you understand the dangers of just stopping if you didn't know)
originally posted by: schuyler
This post will not be popular. I expect to get flamed for it.
It's none of your business. I'm not just being flippant here. LEGALLY it's none of your business. You do not have the right to insinuate yourself into this person's life. You are not related to him. He doesn't have to talk to you. He doesn't have to listen to you. He doesn't have to do anything you suggest. Your options are limited. You can have a conversation with him if he agrees. That's about it. And you risk alienating him from you if you can't be persuasive enough to prevent it. I know you think of yourself as a good person for wanting to help him, and you're getting quite a lot of support from people here who are telling you the same thing. But the flip side of this coin is that you are interfering in another adult's life, which in any other context would be considered harassment. Tread very carefully here or this could backfire on you in a very unpleasant way.
originally posted by: Flyingclaydisk
Personally, I think any sort of an "intervention" is the absolute WORST thing you can do to an alcoholic! You will never shame or coerce, or nag, or nanny, an alcoholic into sobriety! It has the exact opposite effect. It drives them deeper into their distant world of hiding and secrets.
Think about it...everyone you know loves to be in a position of being asked their opinion. Now think about a group of people all ambushing someone with the idea their opinion is "helping" someone. It's like the old saying about opinions...they're like a$$holes; everybody's got one and they all STINK!! None of these people are professionals, none of the know the right and the wrong things to say, but they all think their input is invaluable to the person being ambushed.
All "interventions" do is humiliate people, and this is NO help at all to the person who truly needs it most. It only makes the people doing the intervening feel good about themselves.
Interventions drive people away, not bring them closer.
What if a group of family and friends were waiting for you at home one night and ambushed you about what underwear you wear or some other highly personal matter? And they wanted to keep telling you how they loved you, but continuing to humiliate you, over and over until you finally broke down. Would it make you want to be around them more next time, or would it make you avoid them? I think you know the answer.
Glad it worked on your poor ol' grandpa, but it doesn't work a lot more often than it does.
I don’t see anything wrong with people who deeply love someone, try and intervene in dangerous and troubling behaviour. I’m sure many alcoholics would prefer being approached with love and concern than have those loved ones dump on them negatively behind their back.
originally posted by: Boadicea
a reply to: NJE777
When they were kids, I used to smear cream cheese or peanut butter on celery for them... I can always do it again!
I think that's my best approach with him anyway is for me to make the most of the bonds we made in his childhood. That will be our greatest strength or resource I think. Perhaps if he knows that I still know him and love him as that person -- before all this -- and that he can still be that person, it will help him see that person inside too.
Or maybe I'm just talking crazy talk. I don't know.
originally posted by: Flyingclaydisk
a reply to: Boadicea
This is exactly the best and most positive approach...in my (humble) opinion.
You've been on the right track this whole thread. I just wanted to interject that as the subject of interventions has come up a couple times.
You have demonstrated the type of support which will truly help your friend (provided he wants help).
This advice to yourself is the best I've read here and relates to another member's advice. Alcohol is not the only problem. There is also the hole he is trying to fill, and that hole is often created in childhood (or in some genetic way, or both). Reconnecting him to positive experiences in his childhood is psychologically a very good thing to do. This will effect his unconscious, which is mainly what is driving his behaviour.
Great intuition. If anyone in his circles is going to help him help himself, it will most likely be you.