Opinions, thoughts please

I could use some opinions here...

Maybe I am being totally irrational, too sensitive, maybe I'm overreacting. In light of the death of my sister a couple of weeks ago my emotions have been all over the place. But I just need more eyes, thoughts on this to make sure it's not me. Or maybe it is me...

So once a year me and my sister would pick a Friday in the summer and blow off all of our responsibilities to spend the day at the beach. We'd always invite our friends to join us but the bottom line is it was me and her spending the day together.

So yesterday I was thinking this Friday (tomorrow), would most likely be that day if she were still alive. So I decided I'd call in sick and make it a beach day for myself. I texted one of my friends, a person I've known for 20 years, and said "Hey, can you call in sick tomorrow and go to the beach?"

Her reply: "I have plans with my friend (friends name), for the beach on Friday... but would love to go kayaking on Saturday.. where do you go? I saw photos from your last time, looks nice"

My reply: "I went to (name of lake) it's awesome there. What beach are you going too?"

Her reply: "(Name of beach), I have a beach sticker so can drive out to the end"

My reply: "Oh that's totally cool, it's so nice out there, I can't get a sticker because I'm not a resident! Who is (friends name?) what time are you going? do you want me to meet you?"

I Assumed the invitation.

Her reply: "Her son just had brain surgery and she needs a day at the beach... may not be lots of fun... we can go on Saturday if nice... just love that beach... walking on the dunes in my favorite."

At this point I felt like an idiot, because I assumed the invitation and was immediately remembering how she said she'd be there for me if I ever needed anything. Then I felt like a jerk because I was thinking 'Big deal, her son had brain surgery, and survived, SHE needs a day at the beach, meanwhile my sister died..."

My reply: "Ya that sucks. I am going on Friday anyway and will just park at the wall then. If you drive by me on the way out or if you're walking I'll be there somewhere."

Her reply: No no, that's not right... I have next Friday off... we could drive way out... so much more enjoyable?"

My reply: "Totally is more enjoyable, but I need a beach day too."

Her reply: "I understand, but lets plan to go out for a real beach day when you can."

I never replied. Now she's texting me some of the silly little happy memories that pop up on Facebook. I can't reply, I am too upset. I mean if you look at the big picture it's really just a stupid little thing that doesn't really matter. Or does it? Am I being childish? Is she being selfish? I am confused and I am hurt!

So as it stand right now, I'll be going to the beach tomorrow, will pay my money to get in and will park at the beach wall. Meantime, at some point she'll be driving right by me on her way out to the beach point. I mean should I #ing wave hello? It just seems SOOOO stupid and I'm so aggravated.

HASHTAG Third Wheel!

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

Sorry for your loss. It sounds as if your friend had already made plans with another friend who is going through a rough time as well.

Let them have their special time together and then you and your friend can do the same at another date.

Hope this helps.

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

Sounds like shes concentrating on her friend right now. Nothing wrong with that, her friend might be a mess.
She also sounds willing to hook up with you soon and is sending happy memories of your time together.
I think you are reading to much into the situation.

I am very sorry for your loss.
But I think you may be reading too much into it.

Your friend had made plans with her friend to be a much needed shoulder. Your friends attention had already been asked of her, before you asked her. Your not wrong in feeling offended. Yes what you are going threw is ultimately more of a tragedy then her other friend - Her son is alive, your sister is not.
But this also puts your friend in an awkward position.
She is being asked by the both of you to be your pillar of strength at this horrid time.

I can see why your friend wants to keep it personable between her and her friend.
Some people dont want to vent in front of strangers.
You and your friends friend are both in very vulnerable spaces right now.

Take this time to go alone.
Reflect on your sister and the memories you two had at the beach.

After all, it was a day that just the 2 of you would enjoy together right?
Keep it that way.
Treat your beach day the same as you and your sister would have, alone, together.

I hope this helps.

originally posted by: Skorpiogurl
...too sensitive...

Which is perfectly understandable after your loss.

In truth, the wires are just crossed. Don't take that personally. It sounds like your friend is trying to reach out with alternatives...just not for tomorrow.

Frankly, your situation and the other situation shouldn't be mixed. It doesn't sound to me like that would really work for any of you.

My best to you. I know how painful this period must be for you.

Not to be too negative. I lost my love six years ago. Thursday was her birthday. Nobody cared at all. It sucks, but no one cares about your loss. Nobody understands. At least there is reincarnation

a reply to: mousse7714

Thats not true.

People care about her loss, and your loss also.
Well I do. So that counts as people.
Im sorry you had to endure this pain - the both of you.
And im sorry that you driven yourself to feeling as if no one case.
But people do.
And again, im sorry for the pain you feel, and no doubt have felt every single waking moment of your life since you lost her 6 years ago.
If there was away I could take all the hurt, confusion, and emptiness away from you,
I would and replace it with love and happiness when you think of her.

This is how i see it ....Your friend had prior plans with another friend who is also in need of support ( although i don't know why she isn't sitting in the hospital with her kid , instead of on the beach...just my opinion on that).... And She doesn't want to invite you to join them because her friend probably wants to be alone with her . ... And that is ok ..... You don't know her friend and therefore it would be awkward with her emotional stress.... Now .... As for you .... I am so very sorry for the loss of your sister . Do not be surprised if You are an emotional roller coaster for awhile. We all heal and mourn in different ways and in different amounts of time...there is no right or wrong way to grieve..... Always remember that. .... I think this beach trip for you is a good time to remember your sister . Bring a notebook and write down all the memories you think of while sitting on the beach . That way you can read them again down the road , and they won't fade away ! ... It wasn't meant to be for your friend to join ... So take the time alone and embrace it . Your friends can't always be there for you ... But you can always be there for you .

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

It was all bad timing, conflicting schedules, and overlapping plans. Don’t take it to heart.

Enjoy your day at the beach.

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

I understand the flood of emotions and distraught you must be experiencing. I lost my brother a little over a year ago (very young) and it opened my eyes to a lot of things.

For one, I can only rely on 1% of the people I thought I could for support and friendship. I have more fingers on one hand than I have real friends. Even people who were close with my brother and myself don't respond or bother to even be friendly on the few occasions I've been in social situations.

People are generally self-consumed and fake.

But there are beautiful people out there too.

Your friend is probably one of those beautiful souls, but had other plans with another friend who is also in a major time of need. I wouldn't take it personally and try to find another time to d something fun.

I hope you are still able to honor your sister and have an enjoyable time.

If you ever want to vent or talk feel free to U2U me. Stay strong and try your best to not let reality as we know it consume you with anger or sadness. Life can be beautiful still.

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

My heart goes out to you. I know this isn't easy... and nothing will make it easy. But you've got a pretty special friend there. Don't make it worse for yourself by thinking the worst of the situation. Think what an awesome friend you have that is trying so hard to be a good friend to two people right now.

I'm sure your friend probably wanted to say, "Yes!" and would have if she hadn't already made plans... But how could she break her plans with her other friend who also needs her?

And think about what her friend continues to go through... while you are of course hurting, there's nothing left for you to do for your sister. But the other friend is still dealing with all the trials and tribulations of a very sick child, and all the worry and fear and hard work that comes with. I'm sure that mother needs all the support she can get right now -- especially emotional support and just plain old love and friendship.

One more thought: Maybe -- just maybe -- this is actually a good thing. Maybe this is what your sister wants. For what it's worth, in my experience, genuine grieving can only be done alone. Funerals and memorial services and such serve their purpose, but in the final analysis, we all have to mourn inside and make our peace within ourselves. Perhaps this day is for you and your sister. Perhaps your sister just wants another day with you and you alone at the beach... If you're with others, you may not feel/hear her with you.

Be strong... be brave... and big hugs for you.

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

I mean should I #ing wave hello? It just seems SOOOO stupid and I'm so aggravated.

Yes, of coarse you should.




In a way yes it can be perceived as stupid, does it make it so? I guess its up to you to decide that one,


but your aggravation and sensitivity is something that could be easily considered as normal for some time after someone loses a loved one.

Nothing wrong or strange with the stages we go through when someone dies close to us.

Some may only have grief or very few stages while others go through a whole range of mixed bag emotions blended into a emotional goulash that can make that period of their lives and those around them an experience to remember because of the difficulties faced.

If I could I would be there, sounds like many others here as well.

Ok. Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful responses.

I agree that I am being super emotional and slightly irrational due to the current situation. I feel much better for having read the responses. It helps sometimes to get outside perspectives! I sent her the following text:

"I'm sorry I got upset my friend. I was being irrational." (I told her about the beach/sister thing) "When you said you were already going to the beach I assumed it was an invitation and got all excited. Then I got totally disappointed when I realized it wasn't."

Anyway, she replied and totally understood and I felt 100 times better for having let her in on my feelings instead of letting them stay in my head.

I will use this day to be alone (with my sister), to relax and journal or walk or whatever. To honor her memory in this small way And I'll also wave to my friend if I see her driving by, and maybe I'll bring an egg so I can egg her car too! As it stands now, me and her have plans for shopping on Saturday and going to the beach next Friday assuming the weather holds out.

Thank you again for the opinions, thoughts and support. It means a lot, very helpful!

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

I sent her the following text: "I'm sorry I got upset my friend. I was being irrational." (I told her about the beach/sister thing) "When you said you were already going to the beach I assumed it was an invitation and got all excited. Then I got totally disappointed when I realized it wasn't." Anyway, she replied and totally understood and I felt 100 times better for having let her in on my feelings instead of letting them stay in my head.

I was going to suggest this exact same thing.



It better to be open, especially with feelings and more so with negative ones.


The negative ones if not expressed can keep growing into something that was never there.


I should take this advice myself more often than not.

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

That's awesome.

I hope you have a rewarding day tomorrow and find some measure of comfort.

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

I would say you are being childish, trying to make this about your needs and not about others. Your friend wanted time out because of the kid with brain cancer, you lost a sister, you both need to go to the beach to chill out. You'll be alright, at least you asked if you are being childish meaning you are wondering if you are thinking right. You just lost your sister, of course you won't be thinking right for a while. Don't be upset with your friend but remember, maybe you need to go out to the beach and kick some water and dirt around so you can talk to your sister in your mind. Your sister may be physically dead but she is still alive within you. We are not just bodies and minds that die upon death. When we die we can live on in others if they want us to. My sister died long ago and I still miss her, I often think about events we did together to keep her alive in my mind. She is part of me. Even a friend can be part of you, just because you are not related, that friend can be alive inside of you, we are what we think, if someone makes a positive effect on you, you change and become a little more like them. But even negativity can be transferred.

Deep down you may just want to go to the beach with what you remember of your sister to keep her alive within you. I see nothing wrong with that, but getting upset with your friend is not necessary. Sorry to hear about your sister dying, but a little of her lives on inside of you.

Im really glad to hear that Skorpiogurl.

Enjoy your day alone.
Relax and think about the great times you too had

originally posted by: mousse7714
Not to be too negative. I lost my love six years ago. Thursday was her birthday. Nobody cared at all. It sucks, but no one cares about your loss. Nobody understands. At least there is reincarnation

Happy belated birthday to your love.

I don't know you and I didn't know her but I care, and I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must feel, because when it comes to loss we all feel differently. Your hurt is very different than mine and I'd never pretend to understand yours. Maybe you could reply/tell me a little bit about her...

a reply to: Skorpiogurl

Emotions are not logical..

Never be afraid to check yourself and make sure your not projecting your problems onto others because of that..

Maybe a solo day of remembrance might be what the doctor ordered.