It looks like you're using an Ad Blocker.

Please white-list or disable AboveTopSecret.com in your ad-blocking tool.

Thank you.

 

Some features of ATS will be disabled while you continue to use an ad-blocker.

 

So angry with God

page: 1
21
<<   2  3  4 >>

log in

join
share:
+3 more 
posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 11:27 AM
link   
Maybe this isn't the right forum for this but I am going to put it here anyway.

Early last Friday morning, June 30th, I lost my sister.

She hadn't been well for a couple of years as she had advanced liver disease. She had good days and bad days and had learned to some-what manage the various symptoms. Each day was something new and she never knew what to expect or how she'd feel from day to day.

Recently she started having trouble walking and had severe pain in her back and legs. Her spine began to deteriorate and crush the nerves in her back. She was given the option to have surgery and decided to go that route, hoping that this surgery, if successful, would allow her to stay out of a wheel-chair for at least a few years. At one point over a month ago she had mentioned that she was positive the surgery would go very well, she'd rehab and come back stronger than ever! I was surprised to hear this as she was never a positive person.

A little back-ground - She was a writer all of her life and never gave up on her dream of being published. She could never find true joy or happiness throughout her life, I'm not sure why, but she always looked for happiness on the outside, and when she did find it, it was always temporary. She was very caring, super funny and witty with a twisted sense of humor. After losing our mother 3 years ago we became very close.

She wasn't religious at all! She didn't agree with organized religion, she avoided wakes, burials, anything in a church. She was curious and would sometimes ask questions like a kid would, but she never believed. Her whole belief system was based on spirit, energy and karma.

Anyway, right after her back surgery she was put into rehab and she decided she didn't want to stay, so she checked herself out against all better judgment and advice and went home. Once home she declined horribly... she was in severe pain and I believe because of her history of taking pain pills, she couldn't get what she needed. At one point a doctor did call in a prescription, she gobbled them up like M&M's. She had stopped eating entirely, was in a psychotic haze, crying, awful. Finally my brother in law took her back to the hospital. Once there she was calling all of us - me, my brother in law, our dad, her son - saying over and over that she'd been abandoned, they're holding her against her will, to please come and get her, help her, help her. We collectively decided to turn our phones off. In our minds, by showing her tough love, she'd realize that she had no choice but to go back to rehab and get well. We never imagined the turn of events that occurred over the next 24 hours.

Early the next morning she had a grand mal seizure and banged herself up badly, she had also had a cardiac arrest. They were able to stabilize her and she was responsive, but then she had another arrest, the second of five that she had that night/morning. They brought her back each time. My brother in law and nephew were sent to a city hospital where the plan was to medevac her there for emergency surgery... they knew she was bleeding somewhere internally but were unable to find the source. So they are at the city hospital when the local hospital calls and says she crashed again, they brought her back again and are rushing her into emergency surgery and to sit tight, they want to get her stable and get her on the chopper. She had another coronary arrest. They were able to get her somewhat stable and get her on the med-flight where she had another coronary arrest on the way. By the time she reached the city hospital and they wheeled her in for surgery, she was bleeding out from every organ. Total liver failure.

She died scared, alone, in pain and feeling abandoned and betrayed. Because of her mental state, her last words to many people were heart-breaking and angry/mean words.

We never in a million years expected this.

I love God and I have solid faith. But I have to tell you, right now I'm pretty pissed off at him. I prayed so hard that night for her to have just a little more time on this Earth. My prayers went unanswered for the first time ever.

There's nothing more to say, I needed to rant this out somewhere. Thanks for reading if you did.




posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 11:45 AM
link   
a reply to: Skorpiogurl

sorry. Can't think of anything else to say.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 11:48 AM
link   

originally posted by: Skorpiogurl
I love God and I have solid faith. But I have to tell you, right now I'm pretty pissed off at him. I prayed so hard that night for her to have just a little more time on this Earth. My prayers went unanswered for the first time ever.


I'm not trying to sound rude, but I've always thought that if there is a God responsible for creating everything, it's rather selfish to ask that God to circumvent the natural laws and rules he created. You know that every human body lives and dies, and I'm willing to bet you believe in an afterlife, so why be mad? The life she lived here is a blink of an eye, and now she's somewhere where the problems she had no longer effect her. If anything, be happy for her. By all accounts, "home" is pretty sweet.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 11:51 AM
link   
a reply to: Skorpiogurl

I'm sorry for your loss, I know how it feels. I lost my brother a little over a year ago from liver/kidney failure due to doctors messing up his medication, he was a 35 year-old marathon runner and mentor for me during my entire life.

It is difficult to come to terms with, and I will be processing this and reflecting on the events that led up to his death every day of my life. But I treasure my memories and hope I am honoring him in my daily life, as he would want me to.

I hope you can find some solace in your day-to-day and find a way to pay homage to your relationship with your sister. I've found that my relationship with my brother is still very much alive, although I question whether or not he hears me when I speak to him.

Sending you strength in this difficult time.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 11:56 AM
link   
I'm so sorry for the suffering that youve been through. Loss, especially of those who are closest to us, tastes exceptionally bitter. There are no words that can be said or written that will act like a balm for the pain you have to endure.

That said. It's absolutely ok to be mad at God. It's no sin. He's numbered all our days and while there is no rhyme or reason that makes sense to us, as we are lock into this flow of linear time, he is sovereign over all. His shoulders are broad and His back is strong and can carry the weight of our frustration and anger towards him.

I will say that there is no knowing what happens to a person when their cognitive function ceases on their way towards death. When perception of time ends before the body dies. What sort of miracles can happen within milliseconds. When ultimate truth is revealed in the dark. Be angry. Be frustrated. Be hurt. All is ok and acceptable. But also be sure that the God who created the Universe and raised Christ from the grave can rescue a person from the belly of the whale that is death.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 11:57 AM
link   
The only thing I know this is a horrible and broken world and it seems mostly the good people suffer
I could tell stories but
They won't help, it's the promise of God to restore the broken in time
We suffer and we wait
Life is a tragedy

Soren Kierkeegard said "do and it will be wrong, don't do and that will be wrong as well"



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 12:01 PM
link   
a reply to: Skorpiogurl




I love God and I have solid faith. But I have to tell you, right now I'm pretty pissed off at him. I prayed so hard that night for her to have just a little more time on this Earth. My prayers went unanswered for the first time ever. There's nothing more to say, I needed to rant this out somewhere. Thanks for reading if you did.




Keep staying true to yourself.


I truly believe in time you will see or understand (is a better word) this point in your life from a perspective that gives you clarity so there are no more questions you have about that point and what follows is comfort knowing things are the way they are.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 12:08 PM
link   
Thanks for replying. It helps to know that some hear me out there.

Yes, I believe in an afterlife, I know this life is short, I don't know if people who are dying perceive time or emotions like we do, I do have great memories and I am relieved that she's no longer suffering or in pain. I could rant and rave and bang my fists and stomp my feet and yell and scream at God saying "It's not fair, you took her from me too soon!" and all that other BS. But I know that's my emotions running away from me too. But yeah... I'm angry as hell, for a lot of reasons, but God is there for me to be angry at, so I don't take out any angry or mean actions on the people around me.

I will say this, she did say good-bye.

After tossing and turning between status phone calls I did manage to fall asleep for a little bit. I had a dream and in this dream my sister and I were standing in a small room of elevator banks, only one side of the room was missing and was a long windy country road with big leafy trees like natural tunnels, leading off to no where. In my dream I looked at her and said "You look like a rag doll!" (thin and waif like) She said "Yeah I know, it's ok". Then she gave me a bony hug and said "Love ya, see ya later". and she walk down the road fading away.

The phone woke me up and it was my dads wife saying it was all over.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 12:08 PM
link   
That is terrible, I'm so sorry.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 12:19 PM
link   
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, I'm not a believer in God per se, but I wouldn't say I'm fully decided either, I used to firmly think I was atheist, but, now I'm not so sure.

Regardless of my religious beliefs, I've recently lost my father (April), he wasn't well and hadn't been for a decade, he had an Alzheimers like disease due to alcohol abuse, he had short term memory loss.

I believe if there were a God, he wouldn't interfere in life, he would look after those who have moved on from this world onto the next.

It's a shame that we hurt so much when we lose those who are close to us, we get caught up in our sense of loss and grief, I'm at the point where I believe my father has moved on, and wherever he may be now, he's happy, he has the memories he shared of his limited time on earth, but wherever he is now, he's at peace and is no longer confused or in pain.

I don't know if this will bring any comfort to you, but I sincerely hope it does.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 12:26 PM
link   
a reply to: Skorpiogurl

It's not God you're likely angry with, especially if your faith is strong. It's yourself. You're angry at yourself because you couldn't get her to believe.

You have to understand that in the end we are all responsible for our own faith. You need to forgive yourself. You're afraid she's not in heaven now and you partially blame yourself. You asked God to give her a little more time on earth probably because you wanted to get her to believe.

I have something similar. My best friend/adopted brother died at 33 from clogged arteries and massive heart failure while hiking up in the mountains away from where there was any help.

He had recently had a questioning of his faith and i question where he is now. The reality is you can't blame God, you can't blame yourself.

Jaden



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 12:40 PM
link   
I truly sorry for the loss of your beloved Sister. The Human Mind has a very powerful influence over the body to the point of shutting down systems and ultimately death. The reverse of the word live is evil, and not to say she was evil as most people understand it, but to demonstrate the polarity of choice. God created everything, so with everything in the known Uni-Verse having polarized nature's the way back is through the centeral path of Meekness. God gives us all a choice, and you cannot blame the Creator with choices made by the Creations. The single hardest thing for Humans to do is to Forgive. I have Faith that she'll come back for another round of this big University we're all learning in. Don't drive your life with your rearvew mirror and wonder why the only constant view is the ditch. If we reincarnate, it's the great equalizer of eternity, because if we all become as one, as on Earth as it is in Heaven, but as we separate ourselves from each other and the Creator as on Earth as it is in Hell. God Bless and Understand all you can within your ability to do so. I once was, as you now are.

a reply to: Skorpiogurl



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 12:57 PM
link   
a reply to: Masterjaden

I constantly wish that people who don't believe could feel what I feel just for a few seconds, I pray often that God will shine his light through me onto others, so that they know, like I know. I often times feel lucky, and proud, because I never needed convincing, I never needed so-called proof. The proof is all around us. I've just always know in my heart, I feel like I was born knowing. But that's a story for another day.

I'm not angry at myself at all. I never wished for her to believe and I know that she's in Heaven. Maybe it's not what I perceive as Heaven but it's her Heaven. I know that she's with my mother and her beloved pet and our nana, I know that she's pain free. I Loved that she believed in nature and energy and karma and spirits. I'm angry that no matter what she did in life and no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't find happiness, couldn't find it within. I'm angry that it ended in the horrible mess that it did. I'm angry that it came as a surprise. I'm angry for a lot of reasons.

I guess to clarify I should say that I don't "blame" God or anything like that. Selfishly I wanted her here for another little while... it's only been about 3 years that we've gotten close like sisters should be. Always loved each other but really bonded when mom died.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 12:57 PM
link   


I love God and I have solid faith. But I have to tell you, right now I'm pretty pissed off at him. I prayed so hard that night for her to have just a little more time on this Earth. My prayers went unanswered for the first time ever.

Sometimes we ask for the wrong thing so we don't get it. I always add "if it is your will to my prayers because of this".
There may be a purpose to all that happened that you don't see and may never see, just like the whole of the earth and our existence here it is difficult to see a purpose but there is one.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 01:00 PM
link   
a reply to: SeaWorthy

I totally agree that everything has a purpose and everything happens for a reason. I've been lucky many times that the reason actually occurs to me some time later. Hoping so with this one too...



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 01:03 PM
link   

originally posted by: Skorpiogurl
a reply to: SeaWorthy

I totally agree that everything has a purpose and everything happens for a reason. I've been lucky many times that the reason actually occurs to me some time later. Hoping so with this one too...



Sending my prayers to you and your Family for the strength of faith and healing.
Pain has its purpose I am sure of it, I feel like a tempered sword but I still fear the next bout of pain and loss we all have to deal with.



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 01:06 PM
link   
a reply to: Raggedyman

It is indeed the good ones that suffer.
I saw my Fiancee's Daughter through Kidney failure for three years.
A Beautiful, caring and intelligent Girl put through hell.
Its not fair on any level.
I do believe in something but seeing that just made me a complete non-believer.
No one should go through such heartache.
Espescially the good ones.
A friend just lost his Wife to really bad MS.
Two nicer People you could not want to meet.
Where is the justice? RIP xx
edit on 9-7-2018 by Cymru because: (no reason given)



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 01:15 PM
link   
First, im terribly sorry to hear of your loss! I believe everyone goes through this phase, being mad at god for taking someone too early, I know I have. Just pray for her peace and for her place in heaven. What caused her liver problems to begin with?



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 01:32 PM
link   

originally posted by: xBWOMPx
First, im terribly sorry to hear of your loss! I believe everyone goes through this phase, being mad at god for taking someone too early, I know I have. Just pray for her peace and for her place in heaven. What caused her liver problems to begin with?


I second the apology and also respectfully ask "What caused her liver problems to begin with?".

As I drink a beer wondering if I should have stopped that statin a couple months back. Maybe I should tell my doctor.

I lost my Father, Grandmother, and brother.

Do you have support?

I dont know if our faith in God help in these times or not. There is comfort in our savior but I have a fear now that I know he is.

I would do this game of life by choice again. but I wouldn't sign up for the game of eternity if I had a choice.
edit on 9-7-2018 by ttropia because: (no reason given)



posted on Jul, 9 2018 @ 01:40 PM
link   

originally posted by: ttropia

originally posted by: xBWOMPx
First, im terribly sorry to hear of your loss! I believe everyone goes through this phase, being mad at god for taking someone too early, I know I have. Just pray for her peace and for her place in heaven. What caused her liver problems to begin with?


I second the apology and also respectfully ask "What caused her liver problems to begin with?".

As I drink a beer wondering if I should have stopped that statin a couple months back. Maybe I should tell my doctor.

I lost my Father, Grandmother, and brother.

Do you have support?

I dont know if our faith in God help in these times or not. There is comfort in our savior but I have a fear now that I know he is.


If your worried about your liver drink dandelion root tea and take milk thistle, they detox your liver. I recently quit Caffeine, sugar, and Vodka, talk about a shock to my system, I quit nicotine back in Jan this year. but I drink a lot of detox tea and milk thistle. Im sorry to hear about your losses as well, look into how beneficial the keto diet is. It's amazing how well your body can heal if you just treat it right.



new topics

top topics



 
21
<<   2  3  4 >>

log in

join