How to Handle Rocky Relationship with Mother

Hey ATS, this is something that has been going on ever since I was a young teen, I am 26 years old now. I unfortunately am still living with my parents (hopefully not for too much longer, I am about to start my first professional job after receiving my masters degree and things are looking up!) and so still have to interact regularly in an uncomfortable situation.

This situation has been going on seen I was a young teenager as previously stated and is ongoing (but stopped for a few years in between). Whenever I was a young teen, I put on a little weight more than the other girls and have always had a larger figure and wide-set hips even from childhood. During my teenage years, my mother started her first remarks about my weight. She would make snide comments regularly up until the point where I began skipping meals and making myself exercise upwards to five hours a day to lose weight and I lost about twenty pounds and stayed at that level weight for about the next eight years or so (though nixed the unhealthy habits formed from her pushings and found a middle-ground).

Cue the past two years or so. I have been in my graduate program without much free time, working a parttime job on the side, and on the road some days for five hours or more commuting to school and internships. Of course this means that faster options has prevailed and any time that I spend at home I like to engage in leisure activities because I have always been into video games and the like and so don't find myself exercising as much as I could, I'll admit that. At this point I am 5'8" inches, female, and normally teetering in between 175-180 pounds. I don't see myself as having an overweight build and am still fairly skinny minus a little extra fat around my thighs and upper arms. I am extremely healthy normally having blood pressures such as 106/70 and things like that... God, I feel like I'm justifying myself even now in this post because... My problems have begun again.

A couple of months ago, the remarks have started again regularly. "Are you taking that much for dinner?" "Do you need to be eating now?" She tried to measure my rear with a tape measure a few weeks ago after commenting on how big my butt was getting because she thinks that intrusions of personal space like that are okay. A few weeks ago, my father mentioned to me that there was some of my favorite ice cream in the basement and her remark to my father was "Does she look like she needs any ice cream?"

I don't want to sound like I am demonizing my mother because I'm not. Aside from her criticisms like this, she can be a nice person and has supported me by housing me through all of my schooling and not complaining about me not moving out and I will always appreciate that, but I need to know how I can survive these next few months with the ongoing abuse that I'm getting. It's beginning to anger my boyfriend and it's beginning to anger my friends and I am also afraid that they are going to say something to her that's only going to make it worse.

How do you normally react when she says or does things like that?

a reply to: Myomistress

# 1 Ignore Mom. I bet you look just fine the way you are.

26 years old

I am about to start my first professional job after receiving my masters degree

I have been in my graduate program without much free time, working a parttime job on the side, and on the road some days for five hours or more commuting to school and internships.

# 2 Go get'em!!!

originally posted by: trollz
How do you normally react when she says or does things like that?

I've tried to confront her in the past as calmly as I can about it but she normally just brushes me off and doesn't take what I have to say seriously. I guess lately I've fallen into the pattern of just brushing it off and trying to ignore her but then today a situation busted the floodgate open and made me realize what she's doing to me and how upset I really am about it. She bought me a new swimsuit for my birthday because my old one was getting worn out and so I tried it on because my boyfriend and I are going to the lake in a bit and I had to wriggle it and fight it around my hips but past that it fit fine... I realize that not only am I taking it to the lake, I'm going to pretend that it fits perfectly because I am afraid of what will happen if I tell her that pulling it up around my hips is tight but I can do it. This made me realize how much I've been internalizing all of this that I'm willing to actually be that delusional and make myself suffer because of what she said.

Mom's are Mom's an we do some seriously unintentional hurtful stuff.
Plus no kid gets out of childhood without needing therapy!

1) you know this is temporary
2) You're adult enough to know she loves you but is fixated on something ridiculous.
3) It is bothering you so all you can do is work on you and how you chose to respond or not respond to this.

Personally I blow stuff similar to this spouted by my Mom right off! She loves me, she can be an idiot (just like the rest of us) and her opinion, critique of things means nothing in the grand scheme of things. She isn't privy to my reasoning, or why things are like they are.

So...that said....I used to be overweight and recently lost a lot of weight, now my Mom is all harping on me to see a Doc. Go figure right? I see this as missworded concern for me. She's actually worried about how I'm doing since my husband died, she's worried about my job, she's worried that I live too far away, but what comes out is....

Something stupid.
90% of the time.

I love her to death, but understand she is ALWAYS going to be worried about me an never going to express it correctly.
So when she says something ridiculous I replace it with the phrase "I Love you" in my head instead. Sure it means I just lost track of what she's saying, but hey....I love her too an am just standing there with a huge smile on my face!!!

Family visits are so much more fun now!!!
My sister and daughter have joined me in this an we now keep score of how many times we had to stop to realize how much she loves us ( aka stupid things she said) an now are arguing on who she loves more!!!!!

Hope this helps you maybe?

originally posted by: Caver78
Mom's are Mom's an we do some seriously unintentional hurtful stuff.
Plus no kid gets out of childhood without needing therapy!

1) you know this is temporary
2) You're adult enough to know she loves you but is fixated on something ridiculous.
3) It is bothering you so all you can do is work on you and how you chose to respond or not respond to this.

Personally I blow stuff similar to this spouted by my Mom right off! She loves me, she can be an idiot (just like the rest of us) and her opinion, critique of things means nothing in the grand scheme of things. She isn't privy to my reasoning, or why things are like they are.

So...that said....I used to be overweight and recently lost a lot of weight, now my Mom is all harping on me to see a Doc. Go figure right? I see this as missworded concern for me. She's actually worried about how I'm doing since my husband died, she's worried about my job, she's worried that I live too far away, but what comes out is....

Something stupid.
90% of the time.

I love her to death, but understand she is ALWAYS going to be worried about me an never going to express it correctly.
So when she says something ridiculous I replace it with the phrase "I Love you" in my head instead. Sure it means I just lost track of what she's saying, but hey....I love her too an am just standing there with a huge smile on my face!!!

Family visits are so much more fun now!!!
My sister and daughter have joined me in this an we now keep score of how many times we had to stop to realize how much she loves us ( aka stupid things she said) an now are arguing on who she loves more!!!!!

Hope this helps you maybe?

Yes, lately I have been trying to reframe things like this in my head under the guise of "she's passionate about this because she loves you and maybe isn't intending to to this" but it is difficult whenever it starts to feel a little darker than that. I know that blowing it off and living my life is a way to get by and I appreciate your input it just gets hard to chin up sometimes and I guess that is where this post emerged.


I really do appreciate everyone taking the time out of their day to read this and those that have responded so far.

a reply to: Myomistress


I am 55 and told my mother today to forget I am her son! She has been nothing but a manipulative bitch my whole life and recently she has turned my brother against me while bitching to me about my brother!


It sucks and I am hurting for being honest, but life will go on or it WON'T!

The Bottom Line here is that you are 26 years old and still living at home with your Mommy. Fix that problem first. You have prolonged childhood way beyond expectations. Secondly, look at ANY HWP chart and look up 175-180 pounds at 5'8". Make your own decision.

a reply to: Myomistress

You should move out. It may not be easy, at least at first, but it sounds like you pretty much got yourself “together,” so you’ll be fine as long as you stay away from bad influences. Good luck. Give your mom hugs, and/or words of love.

Edit to add: ...and stay motivated. Set goals. Plan on having dependents, because life happens. Start setting them up for success now.

originally posted by: schuyler
The Bottom Line here is that you are 26 years old and still living at home with your Mommy. Fix that problem first. You have prolonged childhood way beyond expectations. Secondly, look at ANY HWP chart and look up 175-180 pounds at 5'8". Make your own decision.

I'm working on it that's for sure, just about there. And what I have been doing is very far and away from childhood but thank you for your post all the same and your input. And, I've looked at charts before as well but not everyone is the same.

originally posted by: japhrimu
a reply to: Myomistress

You should move out. It may not be easy, at least at first, but it sounds like you pretty much got yourself “together,” so you’ll be fine as long as you stay away from bad influences.

Good luck. Give your mom hugs, and/or words of love.

Edit to add: ...and stay motivated. Set goals. Plan on having dependents, because life happens. Start setting them up for success now.

Yeah, I can't wait. I feel like in some respects finishing my education has held my life back majorly but in other ways it is beginning to pave the way to my future and I'm ready to come at it like a rocket, lol.

It's your mother, she is going to tell you if you do something she does not believe is right, it is part of the job as parents to do so.

originally posted by: Myomistress

originally posted by: trollz
How do you normally react when she says or does things like that?

I've tried to confront her in the past as calmly as I can about it but she normally just brushes me off and doesn't take what I have to say seriously. I guess lately I've fallen into the pattern of just brushing it off and trying to ignore her but then today a situation busted the floodgate open and made me realize what she's doing to me and how upset I really am about it. She bought me a new swimsuit for my birthday because my old one was getting worn out and so I tried it on because my boyfriend and I are going to the lake in a bit and I had to wriggle it and fight it around my hips but past that it fit fine... I realize that not only am I taking it to the lake, I'm going to pretend that it fits perfectly because I am afraid of what will happen if I tell her that pulling it up around my hips is tight but I can do it. This made me realize how much I've been internalizing all of this that I'm willing to actually be that delusional and make myself suffer because of what she said.

I obviously don't know your mother but I do know people who are textbook psychological abusers. My grandmother is one. Two general pieces of advice that work pretty much universally are first to be confident in yourself. Second is what's called the "gray rock" method, which essentially means that you don't show any reaction whatsoever to criticism OR, importantly, compliments. Something my grandmother would do pretty much every time she spoke to me is give me a compliment and then lead it into a criticism - for example, "You're so attractive, it's a shame you do your hair like that". The purpose of this is to attempt to make the person feel insecure in themselves, thereby giving a feeling of power over them to the abuser - testing for cracks, so to say. Any time the criticism is questioned, the abuser will typically go on the defensive and point out how they've complimented you while trying to make you feel guilty for bringing it up. If you have no reaction whatsoever to either their criticism or praises, you show confidence and a lack of concern for what the abuser thinks about you, both of which take away just about all of their power over you.
Also, never make excuses for yourself. Make it clear to your mother that as an adult, you have no obligation to explain to other people why you look the way you do. The only person that should matter to is yourself. Do, however, be honest. If you know you're overweight, don't downplay it for your mother, just tell her you know you are and you feel fine with yourself the way you are, and that whether or not you lose weight is your decision, not hers.

originally posted by: schuyler
The Bottom Line here is that you are 26 years old and still living at home with your Mommy. Fix that problem first. You have prolonged childhood way beyond expectations. Secondly, look at ANY HWP chart and look up 175-180 pounds at 5'8". Make your own decision.

Uh... she’s in college about to recieve her masters

originally posted by: trollz

originally posted by: Myomistress

originally posted by: trollz
How do you normally react when she says or does things like that?

I've tried to confront her in the past as calmly as I can about it but she normally just brushes me off and doesn't take what I have to say seriously. I guess lately I've fallen into the pattern of just brushing it off and trying to ignore her but then today a situation busted the floodgate open and made me realize what she's doing to me and how upset I really am about it. She bought me a new swimsuit for my birthday because my old one was getting worn out and so I tried it on because my boyfriend and I are going to the lake in a bit and I had to wriggle it and fight it around my hips but past that it fit fine... I realize that not only am I taking it to the lake, I'm going to pretend that it fits perfectly because I am afraid of what will happen if I tell her that pulling it up around my hips is tight but I can do it. This made me realize how much I've been internalizing all of this that I'm willing to actually be that delusional and make myself suffer because of what she said.

I obviously don't know your mother but I do know people who are textbook psychological abusers. My grandmother is one. Two general pieces of advice that work pretty much universally are first to be confident in yourself. Second is what's called the "gray rock" method, which essentially means that you don't show any reaction whatsoever to criticism OR, importantly, compliments. Something my grandmother would do pretty much every time she spoke to me is give me a compliment and then lead it into a criticism - for example, "You're so attractive, it's a shame you do your hair like that". The purpose of this is to attempt to make the person feel insecure in themselves, thereby giving a feeling of power over them to the abuser - testing for cracks, so to say. Any time the criticism is questioned, the abuser will typically go on the defensive and point out how they've complimented you while trying to make you feel guilty for bringing it up. If you have no reaction whatsoever to either their criticism or praises, you show confidence and a lack of concern for what the abuser thinks about you, both of which take away just about all of their power over you.
Also, never make excuses for yourself. Make it clear to your mother that as an adult, you have no obligation to explain to other people why you look the way you do. The only person that should matter to is yourself. Do, however, be honest. If you know you're overweight, don't downplay it for your mother, just tell her you know you are and you feel fine with yourself the way you are, and that whether or not you lose weight is your decision, not hers.

This is actually great advice.

a reply to: Myomistress




Edit to delete and add: The post above this is nice. I’m done.

a reply to: Myomistress

I'm an old guy now and living on a different continent to my mother (who is very advanced in age).

When we get together, as far as I can tell, she still sees her little boy.

It sounds to me like your mother cares for you but hasn't progressed at the rate you have matured and is expressing it inappropriately.

I would guess that she also is probably looking to get you married off to have children and feels pressure because of a percieved "biological clock".

Just be above it. She's not in charge any longer. You are an adult and don't have to conform to some sort of barbie doll image.

a reply to: Myomistress

Tell her how you feel and ask her to respect you as an adult able to make your own decisions. She may think she its 'helping' you but, of course, this is not behavior that helps.

Politely everything she says something in this vein, tell her it's not her business and remove yourself.

originally posted by: Woodcarver

originally posted by: schuyler
The Bottom Line here is that you are 26 years old and still living at home with your Mommy. Fix that problem first. You have prolonged childhood way beyond expectations. Secondly, look at ANY HWP chart and look up 175-180 pounds at 5'8". Make your own decision.

Uh... she’s in college about to recieve her masters

Uh... yes, I know that, at 26. That's well past the time to move on. She also calls herself "fairly skinny" at 175-180 pounds. That's delusional. But it's her choice. But this is not a case of "Bad Mommy" here. She has overstayed her welcome and still living off her parent(s) well into adulthood. If she wants to be free of criticism and live her own life then she needs to become independent. She can't have it both ways.