Funny Story!

Okay, so there's a serious thread about woman on man domestic violence and it reminded me of an event I sort of witnessed once with a good friend. Still cracks me up too (hence posting it here and not in the other thread). Just a funny story...hilarious actually. I didn't actually witness the actual event, but rather the aftermath immediately following. It goes like this...

In HS everybody had a nickname and one of my best friends had the nickname of "Bear". Bear was built like a human tree stump and was super athletic, but didn't really have the body type. Even lacking the super-athlete body he went out for about every sport he could in HS. After HS we remained best friends and for a while we even went to the same college.

During HS Bear always had a difficult time with the ladies. He never had a GF, and rarely dated. (We even started to wonder about him for a while...frequently teasing him). After HS I encouraged Bear to come with me on a date with my GF (a completely crazy redhead). Unbeknownst to him she was going to bring her (girl) friend named Crys. Crys (whom we secretly called "Lurch") was a spitting image of Joan Jett and about 6'-2" tall (Bear was about 5'-9"...in platform shoes). Well, it turns out Bear and Crys hit it off famously and were soon madly dating. (YAY!)

Crys and Bear dated for a couple years pretty heavily and I figured they'd get married eventually. Although Crys never really "moved in" with Bear, she did spend almost all of her time at his place. You have to understand my GF, Judy, was this gonzo, swing from the chandelier, wacko type redhead. So you just knew anyone who was friends with her was likely the same way. Together, these two were fearless and crazier than a pair of 3 legged kangaroos!

Now, Bear and Crys would get into these wild wrestling matches with each other periodically. I'm not talkin' about just rolling around on the ground playing grab-ass here, but real knock down, body slamming, furniture breaking, WWE stuff! It was all in fun and they'd be laughing (most times) the whole time. I witnessed this many times, and it was pretty comical watching Bear and Lurch go at it. Ahem, of course there was usually liquor involved too.

Anyway, this one Saturday night at about 3:30am someone POUNDS on my door. WTF?? This wasn't simple knocking, but POUNDING! I figured it must be the cops, responding to a complaint about Judy's wailing or something (she was a loud one). At first I didn't do anything, but then there was another round of POUNDING on my door with a muffled "open up!. So I got up and went to the door and asked who was there (fully expecting it to be the cops). "Dude, it's Bear...open up man! Hurry!!" So, I open up the door a crack and look out (still thinking it's the cops trying to trick me). Sure enough it's Bear, and the sight which greeted me in the doorway was like a horror scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween all rolled into one!

(End Pt 1)

-- Pt 2 --

Standing in my doorway was Bear, covered in blood, soaking wet (just dripping) and shivering. I was so speechless I just stood there and froze!

"C'mon, man...let me in, dude!! I think the cops are after me!" Bear says.

His statement shook me out of my stupor and I stepped aside and let him in. As soon as I shut the door I said "W-T-F, BEAR...How....what...What happened to YOU, man????????"

I ran over to the window fully expecting to see a SWAT team advancing across my lawn in the darkness, but for now the coast was clear.

What followed was probably the funniest story I'd ever heard in my life! I think I actually hurt myself laughing, I was laughing so hard.

"Crys threw me through the window.", Bear says, very matter of factly.

"WHAT??? Threw you through the window??? What window...your front window???", I reply.

"Yep"

"Dude, that window is like 8 FEET off the ground!!!"

"Yep" he says, again very matter of factly. By now I'm getting him a towel so we can see if he's mortally wounded.

"Okay, wha..how..what the absolute fook happened????"

So Lurch and Bear were sitting around drinkin' and pretty soon they got to wrestlin'. One thing led to another and pretty soon Lurch had Bear in some kind of an 'Airplane-spin' maneuver and hurled his stupid drunken ass right out the window onto the grass below!

"So that's how you got all cut up???", I ask.

"No, I got cut up from the thorn bushes.", he says...again, so matter of factly, like it happens to everyone all the time!

"What thorn bushes?? You don't have any thorn bushes...do you??"

"No, the bushes down the street at one of the neighbors house.", he says.

"WHAT? At the neighbors house...(chuckle)...what the fook were you doing in the neighbors bushes???? (snort/laugh) ...at 3am in the morning????", I ask, incredulously. Now I'm starting to crack up, because this is getting funny.

"I was looking for my dog"

"WHA....LOLOLOLOL....you were looking for your DOG???? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!"

"Yeah, Tsar (his crazy dog) jumped out the window and ran off, so I went looking for him so the dog catcher wouldn't get him"

"Why didn't you just take your car?", I ask

"Because I was locked out, and my keys were inside...and Crys wouldn't open the damn door.

Okay, so now I'm rolling in laughter!

So, how did you get all cut up??? And why are you soaking wet???? And...and...and...what the hell, man??? LOL"

Okay, look...here's what happened, okay?..." he says (...finally)..."So, Crys and me were wrestlin' and she got pissed after I body slammed her, so she tossed my ass out the window. As soon as I went through the window Tsar jumped out after me and took off. I tried to go get my car keys but Crys locked the door and I couldn't get in and she wouldn't unlock it, so I went looking for Tsar on foot."

Yeah, go on...then what happened??, I asked.

"Well, a few minutes later I thought I spotted Tsar over at the neighbors by the bushes, so I went over there..."

I finish his sentence with "...at 3 o'clock in the morning, after you just got tossed out of a window at your house...you went looking for your crazy-ass dog??!!!!"

"Well, yeah, I didn't want the dog catcher to get him...again. So anyway, I go over to where Tsar was but he's not there so I start looking around in the bushes for him and calling him kinda' softly, like whisper-yelling sort of, you know. Well, I think the neighbors saw me cuz I saw some lights come on. And then I heard this dude come out of his house and I think he had a shotgun or sumthin'..."

I'm just cracking up by now!

"Dude, if I saw you going through MY bushes at 3am I'd come out after your ass with a shotgun too, you knuckle-head!!!! Anyway, go on...what happened next?, I tell him

"So this dude starts yellin' about how he's gonna' shoot and then call the cops and all this stuff, so I jumped into the bushes. It was like a frickin' cactus in them bushes, big ass thorns all over! Every time I even tried to move I'd get jabbed. So then this dude goes back in the house and I figure the coast is clear to get out of those damn bushes...and right about then the dude turns on his sprinkler system and comes back out on his porch! It's like 40 degrees outside and I'm hiding in those bushes, getting froze to death by the sprinklers and getting jabbed by all those thorns...it really sucked, man!"

I don't think I ever laughed so hard! He did manage to escape, and the cops never did show up (if the dude even called them at all)...and who knows if the guy really had a shotgun or not.

And that's the story. I still laugh about it to this day.

Heh, and believe it or not, that's the "short" version of the story!

There's a longer, more R-rated, unabridged version of it too with some other events which happened at the same time while Bear was telling me (us) his tale.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Is this a rough draft for an episode of Jackass? I thought I had women troubles, one lass in high school showed her affection for me by kicking me in the family jewels, she did start writing me love letters but if we ever got married I don't think we could concieve.

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

Kind of seemed like it! This was long before the show though. Back during my crazy college days.

Just thought I'd share what I thought was kind of a funny story.

None of the animals in this episode were injured (too badly).

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

i think your story had a better reception the first time round
www.abovetopsecret.com...
Sep, 5 2016
almost two years, might be nothing, but you probably should have a doc check for memory loss things like alzheimers just to be safe.

a reply to: NobodiesNormal

Oops, you're right.

Well, we'll just chalk it up to 'artistic license'. The names were changed to protect the guilty.

P.S. Not my intent to make a double post. My error. Disregard.