Question regarding grieving

My dad passed away last week rather unexpectedly. It was an extraordinarily difficult situation for my brother and mother to deal with. I always felt that I was a bit closer to my dad but regrettably I've yet to shed a tear or really become stricken with grief. I guess it came more of a shock than anything but not so much that I'm in shock.

A good deal of people around me have gone out of their way to console me only to be told that things are fine. Of course I miss him but I'm confused to some degree why I have not fallen to pieces. The guilt really hit me when the wife and kids were crying and one asked me why was I not crying? I told him we all deal with loss differently.

I consider myself very empathetic but I'm wondering if others have been in a similar situation?

a reply to: chrismarco

Everyone does in their own ways, although many do it more alike potentially making a sort of consensus from one situation to the next. Even without some even do it by criticizing the modes of other others involved.

Argh.

You could be a 'cleverly' self-deluded sociopath.

Or you might just be a dude.

THere's also dynamics such as the circumstances of the death itself. If it was se a drawn out cancer horror show, their suffering finally ending can be a relief by the time it finally comes for them.

a reply to: chrismarco

I lost my mom 5 years ago, and handled it pretty good. I didn't break until several month later when I went to call her on the phone to tell her some good news. I had forgotten that she was gone. It helped that she was a strong Christian woman that walked the walk, and sincerely helped so many people on this planet. I know she is in a better place now. She is not in that grave. That body was just a shell that housed her spirit and soul, when she walked this planet. You will be just fine

a reply to: chrismarco

Hello Chris .. sorry for your loss pal .. all I can say is your suppose to bury your parents and not your kids .. I didn’t cry when my old man passed because I’ve buried enough people that where to young to die so thought when my old fella died it’s meant to be that way .. again I’m sorry for your loss x

I agree with you. People are expected to grieve in a proscribed fashion, and when they don't they are criticized. Plus they butt into your life with consolation they rarely mean. 'I'm sorry for your loss'--not. Basically what they need to do is stay out of your face. Like when anything at all happens at a school the admin is quick to say, "We have counselors available." When my wife passed away people absolutely insisted I take my 13 year old daughter to a counselor. She did not want to go and I did not want to take her, but the situation was such that my parenting skill was being called into question if I did not comply, so we went--to a complete disaster. I think you probably need to accept the fact that people will want to say something, but that does not extend to questioning your own behavior. Good luck navigating this.

Sorry for your lost, don't worry about what you should feel, just try to remember the good times you share with him

a reply to: chrismarco


I'm very sorry for your loss.
We all deal with loss very differently, some people go inward and want to be alone with their grief, others like to be with other people and share their feelings, certain people will celebrate the life of the person who has died, not thinking of the death. Some will remove any connection to the deceased so they don't have to deal with the death and just move on. Grief is very personal and felt in many ways.
I hope this helps you in some way.

originally posted by: chrismarco
My dad passed away last week rather unexpectedly. It was an extraordinarily difficult situation for my brother and mother to deal with. I always felt that I was a bit closer to my dad but regrettably I've yet to shed a tear or really become stricken with grief. I guess it came more of a shock than anything but not so much that I'm in shock.

A good deal of people around me have gone out of their way to console me only to be told that things are fine. Of course I miss him but I'm confused to some degree why I have not fallen to pieces. The guilt really hit me when the wife and kids were crying and one asked me why was I not crying? I told him we all deal with loss differently.

I consider myself very empathetic but I'm wondering if others have been in a similar situation?

Sorry for your loss.

My father passed unexpectedly as well when I was in my early 20s. He was only 54 years old. We were very close as I was an only child.

I cried a little and got a little wasted the day he passed, but that was really it. I had a lot going on in my life at the time as I was about to relocate to another state for graduate school at the time. In fact, the last time I spoke to my father was when he dropped me off at the airport to go apartment hunting in Chicago for the weekend. When I returned that Monday after my trip, I got a call in the middle of the night saying he had a stroke. He died a day later.

Anyway, long story short, It wasn't until probably six months later that I got stricken with a lot of grief after I had moved away for school. I just never really had a lot of time to myself to grieve and so once things settled in my life, it all of a sudden hit my like a sack of rocks.

With that said, you just get over it. I've never even been to my father's grave site since the funeral. I just don't see the point. I still get teary eyed though if I hear "Dance with my father" by Luther Vandross because of the lyrics or "Silent Night" by the Temptations as he always played that song during Christmas. Can't hear them without crying.

Anyway, you'll be ok.

a reply to: chrismarco

more problems are caused by societies expectation of how we SHOULD react in a given situation - and the fall out from when we dont .

just get through life - however you can - and stop worrying that you is doint it " wrong "

a reply to: chrismarco
It might have something to with the natural
order being in place this time around. Taking
your fathers death well is perfectly normal
for you. Grief isn't measured in tears. But if
no ones death could bring you to bitter tears?
That might be a little odd or very odd.
IMO
Also it may still hit you really hard. Still early
from what I read. You may weep when your
alone purely by chance. What then? Do you
make an annoucement? Or let everyone go
thinking you haven't wept? Just realise you
are in a horrible spot right now and people
can seem cruel with out intension.

You have my sympathy

originally posted by: chrismarco
My dad passed away last week rather unexpectedly. It was an extraordinarily difficult situation for my brother and mother to deal with. I always felt that I was a bit closer to my dad but regrettably I've yet to shed a tear or really become stricken with grief. I guess it came more of a shock than anything but not so much that I'm in shock.

A good deal of people around me have gone out of their way to console me only to be told that things are fine. Of course I miss him but I'm confused to some degree why I have not fallen to pieces. The guilt really hit me when the wife and kids were crying and one asked me why was I not crying? I told him we all deal with loss differently.

I consider myself very empathetic but I'm wondering if others have been in a similar situation?

So sorry for your loss.

PTSD.... Can hit you days, weeks, months, years after a death. A form of shock, denial ..the brain's way of dealing with it. It's not unusual..

I experienced the same with each parent... and thought it odd too. I took my best friends passing harder than any... 8 years later.

God Bless your family... MS

a reply to: chrismarco

That's nothing bro. My mom started dating within a week or two of my dad's death after 54 years of marriage .

Gives me the creeps.

a reply to: chrismarco

There's no explaining it and no 'right' way to go through the process. Don't put additional pressure on yourself trying to fulfill someone else's expectation of how you 'should' be reacting.

Also, don't be surprised if out of the blue, months from now, it hits you like a ton of bricks.

Hang in there.

a reply to: nofear39

Thanks bud and thanks to all for the response....he did have some health issues that kept me up at night worrying so perhaps there was some relief on my part.

a reply to: chrismarco

Grieve in your own way, there is no right way. Just make sure you are grieving and not avoiding it.

a reply to: galaga

That was priceless...thank you

Sorry for your loss

We all grieve differently.
There are several stages when it’s unexpected. The first is shock , the others come in a different order, one which might be denial and acceptance might finally trigger the tears, or not.

My mother died very suddenly when I was a child. I did not cry. A part of me kept thinking it can’t be real (denial) and I thought she’d come back. It took me until age 24 to finally break down sobbing one day about it. Very strange. Now of course the very mention of her death brings me to tears. I did feel guilty though. There was no grief counselling back then.

Don’t feel bad about it. Not your fault how you react.

You're probably in shock. My mother passed 4 years ago unexpectedly when I was 24 and I'm still not the same person i was before. I never quite lost it either i just feel distant and not myself. I know one day I'm gonna break down over it. And this is 4 years later. So it's okay to feel how you're feeling. I hope the best for you

a reply to: 5ofineed5aladder

Thanks again for the responses...

a reply to: chrismarco

React however you react, it's your experience, nobody else's.
I'm a #ing mess whenever someone I love dies, and I don't care, it's my experience.
Big love your way, I've had enough loss in my life...but I guess that's life.