The Shed 19

Dear Shed Family,

I'm popping in briefly to say "hello" and to thank you all for the e-mails, messages, shout-outs, prayers...and for the loving support that you have given throughout the last 8 months.

I don't know how much any of you know, but in September 2017 my common-law husband of 10 years walked out and abandoned me. I couldn't afford the rent for our apartment and was facing eviction with no place to go. Our building managers bullied and harrassed me until I had a complete nervous breakdown and went to the hospital via ambulance in December with a "possible" heart attack. (I'm leaving out a lot of details to keep this short.)

I spent from September to the end of December in complete isolation without phone, cable or internet and if it wasn't for my good friend Belinda, I wouldn't have made it through. After finding a new home for my cat Macy, I moved into the abused women's shelter on New Year's Day and am still here now.

As soon as I was gone from the apartment my ex went back and cleaned the place out. I had finally managed to get friends with trucks (and places to store things) but when they went to my place pretty much everything was gone. So I've been living at the shelter with a bag of clothes, completely traumatized and not really expecting to live through this ordeal.
But I have survived.

Most of you know that for the last 7 years I was a daily caregiver to my "mother-in-law" who had severe Alzheimer's. Apparently within a week of him leaving me (and her not seeing me), she ended up in the hospital and went downhill from there. She passed away on New Year's Day and nobody told me. The day of her funeral visitations her son was at our apartment taking all the furniture...things that I had bought and paid for with money from my father's inheritance.

The building managers helped him, they broke Landlord & Tenant rules and even broke a few laws (police are involved). My law clerk friend has been my legal advocate for this and we have a hearing in May to try to recoup some money to replace the furniture and household items as I literally have nothing except for my clothes and my car.

After months of frustrating appointments, conflicting information and a lot of crying...I am happy to report that I now have an apartment for June!! I've met a wonderful woman who is a supervisor with the rent supplement program and she has gone above and beyond to find me a nice place (and is even giving me some furniture and kitchen items to get me started).

I've been living surrounded by traumatized women and screaming children, but I've met some wonderful ladies and some of us are planning to remain friends. This has been a living Hell at times but there have also been some laughs and wonderful memories that I will never forget. (I might even write a book about this experience...I think it's a story that needs to be told.)

I told some of them about The Shed and even printed off the first few chapters from the very beginning (from the very first Shed)...they loved it! They also thought it was quite a synchronicity that my written journey to The Shed was similar to our journeys to the shelter...feeling lost and alone, and finding a soul-family when we needed it the most.

I'm happy to say that for the first time in a long time I'm beginning to feel joy again. I am actually excited to move into my apartment and start the next part of my journey as an independent (and single) woman!! My place is including all utilities and even wifi...so I will be able to come back to The Shed on a regular basis and I am looking forward to talking to all of you again.

If you've wondered why LookingForABetterLife has been giving updates on me it's because he never stopped writing to me, even when he knew I didn't have internet and couldn't respond on a regular basis. He has been a blessing (as you all have) and I will admit that I've lurked on occasion just to feel the love. I didn't feel able to talk about anything for a long time and also didn't want to start to depend on The Shed when I wasn't sure if I would continue to have access to the internet. I just couldn't handle any more loss so I stayed silent but I have been feeling your love (and sending it back to you all).

So I think I've written enough for now. I'm doing this in notepad so that I can cut/paste it into The Shed before I get all emotional. Just logging into the site will probably start me crying, I've missed you all so much.

I hope everyone is well, again I thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.
I will be back soon to chat (and maybe even write!). Take care, I love you.
jacy xoxo

a reply to: LookingForABetterLife
I really don't know what to say. As you might know, I've been absent a lot in the past year or two, so I must have missed you talking about your wife before. I am so sorry that you were bereaved, but "sorry" is so inadequate a word.

Just can't imagine what you felt when she passed away, or what you feel now. I hear what you say (or have written) but it doesn't really translate into terms I can understand. I mean, I've been told by various professionals that I need to prepare myself for the inevitable with my wife and her condition, but even as that day draws closer and the signs of that get bigger, I just don't know how to "prepare" myself. How can I prepare for the incomprehensible, of being alone after we've been together for almost a quarter of a century? Especially when right now, she is sitting just a few feet away.

She has no idea what is coming; her disease is like that. But I know.

Please forgive me. I admire you for being able to even speak about your feelings. My own are such a mess I don't really know where to begin, let alone "prepare".

a reply to: jacygirl
Hang in there, Jacy. You're in our thoughts and prayers every day.

a reply to: jacygirl
Dear Jacy,

So happy things have turned around for you... may this be the beginning of a better future!

Always in my prayers 💞

originally posted by: JustMike

...I'd take you up on you BOGOF offer, but for two small issues: one is that at the moment I don't have the ten thousand tons of .999-fine gold which would be the minimum you might accept, the second is that I don't have the room to house them and you and your wife: obviously, part of the deal would have to be that we take you all!

...

But Mike - You'd qualify for the "Friends & Family" discount!!!
Of course me and my FIRST wife might have to tag along for a month or two.... to make sure everything's OK etc....

a reply to: jacygirl

Hello jacygirl,
My name is Gordi. It is very nice to meet you at last.
I've heard some very nice things about you.
Is it true that you snorted Milk and Cheerios OUT of your nose??

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Jane]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
You have no idea how much I've missed you and how happy I am to see you alive & well and LOOKING AHEAD to the future once more!

For anyone who hasn't met Jacy here before - she is the one who got us all writing together!
She is an inspiration! The Queen of the Ellipses! Ferret wrangler extraordinaire! Snorter of Cheerios!
And for the next 30mins she is going to get Squishy Shed Hugged like never before!

I'm breaking out the Single Malt!
Can't type anymore because I'm tearing up again... damn.

So happy to see you post.

Gxxxxxxxxxxxxx

a reply to: jacygirl

Bin too long ...

So glad you are beginning to see sunshine again Jace !

🌞🌈

a reply to: jacygirl

Thank you for the update Jacy. I'm glad to hear that things are eventually starting to turn out better for you.

It's about time.

So much to say and so much to do. It’s almost 7:00 pm my time and it’s taken me this long, with the help of coffee, to have enough brain cells fired up to reply to everyone.

Joe - I love cherry tomatoes. Last nights dream was about them. Something to the effect that I needed to stick them on top a variety of antennas for some reason. Perhaps I feel that the antennas serve the purpose of broadcasting my love for them to the rest of the world.

Night Star - thank you for sharing your early jewelry making work with us. You did a good job. It reminds me of the jewelry work my wife did. Hugs. Glad you and Dankini enjoyed the Celtic peace symbol art. I thought you might like it. Use it as you please. “The tears weren't for me Blue, they were for you. I rhymed. LOL “. Glad I could bring out the inner poet in you.

Gordi – I’m jealous. You have a nice camper-van, live in a land of natural beauty, and even have the day job that I wish I could do. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on religion in the Shed-place. Well put words of which I am in agreement with. Great pictures of you and your kids. Can we account their growth to eating the daily recommended amount of doughnuts? Thanks for the man-hugs and warm words about my awesome wife.

Fin – Thank you for your supportive and well put words. That is all the comfort I can ask for. It’s a reminder to me that the world goes on and I’m still apart of it. I enjoyed your Cherokee story too. I found out that I’m part Cherokee a few weeks ago BTW.

Phoenix – Thank you for your input and sharing of your writings. I always enjoy reading them even as I don’t give you the proper thumbs up enough about them.

Light – Even though you won’t wear orange I appreciated your King’s Day/bladder story. Good to read that things are on the improve your you. You might want to remind your soon to be married friend that marriages doesn’t come with a user manual and can be tricky at times. Lol I’ve been there twice and am still wishing there was such manual. Take care, my friend. I don’t wear orange either.

a reply to: jacygirl

If you've wondered why LookingForABetterLife has been giving updates on me it's because he never stopped writing to me, even when he knew I didn't have internet and couldn't respond on a regular basis. He has been a blessing (as you all have) and I will admit that I've lurked on occasion just to feel the love. I didn't feel able to talk about anything for a long time and also didn't want to start to depend on The Shed when I wasn't sure if I would continue to have access to the internet. I just couldn't handle any more loss so I stayed silent but I have been feeling your love (and sending it back to you all).

So nice to see you in the Shed today Jacy! It's a nice reminder that we will be seeing more of you in the upcoming weeks. It's been an honor to be of help to you when you have been put out so much by others. Many thanks for being there for me as well. You have been the light I above this hole I have dug myself into and help to bring me out of it.

just posting to say thank god it's friday.. this has been the longest week ever!

a reply to: jacygirl

Wow! It sounds like you've been through quite the life changing ordeal! I can only imagine the strength it must have taken to get through it.

I've read some of your back posts and I can tell by the reception you have a very, very special place in the hearts of those here.

I'm really, really looking forward to getting to know you here and congratulations on your new home!

Dakini (complete with the ini bit) xXx

Wow, I go out for the day and come back and all these posts...I am all behind!

JACY!!!!!! OMG, is that really you????? You just made my day beautiful girl! You my dear are a true Sheddite warrior! You have been through the darkness and came out shining like a star! I prayed for you, sent out positive energy, lit candles and thought of you every day since you've been away. So thrilled to see you stop in and to know you will be with us regularly when you can. See...I'm doing the happy dance and everything eh? Love you so much my Shed Sister!

Pheonix, loved your writing! You should write more often in here. I would really love that!

Light, you have a wonderful sense of humor and made me laugh. Long live your King!

JustMike, You can never prepare for the death of a loved one. Just know that when that time comes, you will be surrounded with a lot of love from family and friends. You can talk in here and send me PM's or e-mails and I promise I will be there for you. How many children and Grandchildren do you have? It's great seeing you posting more often! You were missed! Hugs!

Gordi, when you were telling people about Jacy, you forget to tell them she drools when she sleeps. LOL
Man, when she gets back pemenantly these pages are gonna fly! We'll be changing Sheds like crazy!

Blue, I didn't know your Wife made jewelry too.

It was good to see you make a long post replying to everyone. I know you have days when you are not feeling your best. Looks like you are feeling better which pleases me very much. Hugs!

originally posted by: fiverx313
just posting to say thank god it's friday.. this has been the longest week ever!

Did you have a bad week Fiver?

a reply to: Dakini37

Let's just say, you will love her! Trust me!

a reply to: Night Star

Honestly, I love all of you guys! But I kinda got a tad choked up when I saw her post. By eck I'm a big softie!

Over n out

(I need to knock this 4am stuff on the head!)

originally posted by: JustMike
a reply to: LookingForABetterLife
I really don't know what to say. As you might know, I've been absent a lot in the past year or two, so I must have missed you talking about your wife before. I am so sorry that you were bereaved, but "sorry" is so inadequate a word.

Just can't imagine what you felt when she passed away, or what you feel now. I hear what you say (or have written) but it doesn't really translate into terms I can understand. I mean, I've been told by various professionals that I need to prepare myself for the inevitable with my wife and her condition, but even as that day draws closer and the signs of that get bigger, I just don't know how to "prepare" myself. How can I prepare for the incomprehensible, of being alone after we've been together for almost a quarter of a century? Especially when right now, she is sitting just a few feet away.

She has no idea what is coming; her disease is like that. But I know.

Please forgive me. I admire you for being able to even speak about your feelings. My own are such a mess I don't really know where to begin, let alone "prepare".

For the past four years I have been wanting to write about what goes on in one's mind when losing a spouce but the words are difficult to share. It's like trying to teach a history class in a language you don't know. Losing your spouce is truly an unreal experience. One of the things that have helped me to make sense of things is the following book which a former therapist of mine was nice enough to make a copy of for me.

Life After Trauma

Stand upon a latter above an empty street. Picture in your mind that you pour 4-5 cans of differently colored paint onto the road and notice the pattern that they make. Now actually do as you did in your mind. The pattern is not going to be what you expected. It is different for everyone. How we deal with death is just like that. It's a different picture for each of us.

The five or more steps of grief listed is a way to prepare us for how it will be.

1. Denial and isolation;
2. Anger;
3. Bargaining;
4. Depression;
5. Acceptance

Keep in mind that they are like those different colors of paints on the street. Which steps you experience, which order they occur in, any combination of steps occurring at the same time is not written in stone. They just happen.


Before I use this space to actually write a book I'll share a few more things that everyone should follow:

1. Each day could be the last day you ever see a person alive. Tell them you love them and do whatever is needed to make them happy.

2. Expect to feel like half of your heart/soul has been taken away when they die.

3. Have someone there or nearby when a loved one dies as you will need someone level headed to talk to and to make sure that you don't do anything stupid.

4. Have life insurance and funeral plans. This screwed me up big time.

Mike, your reply was just fine. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. PM if needed as we both have more in common than you may know.

a reply to: LookingForABetterLife

What an awesome and informative post Blue! Thank you for sharing that Hun! Hugs!

a reply to: Dakini37

LOL! I am usually up very, very late myself. Sweet dreams Sweetie! Hugs!

I'm in a huggy mood tonight.

a reply to: Night Star

Blue, I didn't know your Wife made jewelry too. It was good to see you make a long post replying to everyone. I know you have days when you are not feeling your best. Looks like you are feeling better which pleases me very much. Hugs!

She took jewelry classes in one of her colleges as a way to find something that she could enjoy and make money off of too.

I'm here so much today due to learning more about mastering this external keyboard.

BTW, the dancing video was taken one month after we married in '98.