I Cannot Go To My Daughters Graduation

originally posted by: CornishCeltGuy
a reply to: redhorse
I'd go if they haven't said you can't.
You can go on paper, you're just choosing not to.

Thing is, if you go and there is a big scene where you get chucked out or something, was it worth it? Sure it might prove something when it comes to the school, but it's the last interaction the daughter has to have with them and it's a night she's earned.

What would that do to her graduation? Would she want that kind of thing to happen?

originally posted by: TheLotLizard
Your first mistake was trying to go through the school. You should have contacted the parents directly. Secondly you should have recorded all contact with the principal. They are only there to make sure the school looks good from the outside.

Third mistake was not having your daughter go to the principal herself. There should be a no tolerance policy to bullying. She herself would have set forth an investigation.

Emotions are what got you banned from the school.

I tried. The parents didn't respond. At least initially.

Mom responded AFTER everything was said and done and she was sloppy nice. It was weird.

originally posted by: ketsuko

originally posted by: CornishCeltGuy
a reply to: redhorse
I'd go if they haven't said you can't.
You can go on paper, you're just choosing not to.

Thing is, if you go and there is a big scene where you get chucked out or something, was it worth it? Sure it might prove something when it comes to the school, but it's the last interaction the daughter has to have with them and it's a night she's earned.

What would that do to her graduation? Would she want that kind of thing to happen?

This^. Couldn't of said it better.

Also, yes we want them both in martial arts. Ellie's dad is super traditional and I am hesitant to bring it up but there is a krav maga school that is getting rave reviews in a nearby city. I think it would help a lot.

originally posted by: hombero
Sorry to say but your daughter and her friend weren't targeted for this type of bullying at random, perhaps you should ask them for the whole truth as to why they are in the crosshairs of this young man.

You may or may not be surprised about what they are holding back telling you, similar to what you could be holding back in your series of events...

I'm speechless in reading this. I spent a huge portion of my life in school from about 5th grade onward as the target of the school bullies. And it wasn't because I was doing anything wrong to deserve it. I was extremely shy, awkward and afraid to talk to people, had a poor family and you could tell by the way I was dressed, needed braces, and was very short and boyishly skinny in every way. What friends I did have were considered the outsiders: the nerds, losers, etc, and many of them were also targets as well.

I was pushed down, threatened that I'd be 'gotten' after school, called the usual names like ugly and freak, had stuff put in my hair, hair pulled, my things taken... I knew the score too. Kids got away with that sort of garbage when I was in school. You didn't DARE speak up for fear of retaliation after school. I got very good at finding ways to get home that involved avoiding places I knew I'd be seen.

Lets play devil's advocate here and say maybe they did do something. NO ONE EVER deserves to be harrassed and bullied and basically assaulted regardless. NO ONE.

For you to state that they were at fault is pretty low. Attitudes like this are what keeps the cycle going. The victim is treated like they're the instigator and the bully is the wronged party.

The school is protecting that kid because of his wealthy family.

Take a responsible adult with you ( do you know a cop) and go to the graduation with your head held high, look them in the eye and don't back down. If they remove you by force get a lawyer. It's time for leagle action.

The best way to stop a bully is look him in the eye and kick him in the balls.

a reply to: ketsuko
Fair one, different folks is all, I taught my offspring to always defend themselves if they are right.
EDIT
if appeasement and capitulation is a better option for the OP then good luck to them, I'm just glad that was never my best option.

a reply to: Subrosabelow

how big is the graduating class???? do you really think the principal and highers ups at the school want to cause a disruption problem on that day...they want the school ie them to look good...nothing was issued telling you you can't go...so you should avoid the bully and the principle...be calm and enjoy your daughters day

originally posted by: research100
a reply to: Subrosabelow

how big is the graduating class???? do you really think the principal and highers ups at the school want to cause a disruption problem on that day...they want the school ie them to look good...nothing was issued telling you you can't go...so you should avoid the bully and the principle...be calm and enjoy your daughters day

Her graduating class has 31 kids. A lot of people have pulled their kids out of that school. There is no way to avoid the principal.

I think they are petty enough to make a stink. I also think that if they can act like I am dangerous and treat me that way, it might look better for them in a lawsuit. So, they might.


*edited to add*

Also, small towns... It's not whose right, it's who makes a bigger stink. A war of perception and right now they are doing their best to paint me as an absolute lunatic to the community. So making a stink and trying to elicit an emotional response from me would be one strategy to bolster that. I've seen it before.

originally posted by: ketsuko
a reply to: Mike Stivic

I think it was likely less the boy than it was the parents. If they are rich and influential in a small town, never underestimate the power of that.

I've seen coaches play entire teams of "talents" who are anything but unless you look at their last names.

This is true.

Thing is, we aren't doing too bad ourselves and my husband is Senior management at the local hospital and has some clout. We are usually just quiet, don't make waves, but this last year I have had enough.

They KNOW we can afford a lawyer. That's part of why they refuse to admit any wrong doing. They are waiting for us to take them to court and they are on the litigious hyper-alert, defensive right now. My husband thinks that's why they about faced on an apology. They consulted legal counsel and legal counsel told them Admit Nothing.

I don't have anything to add, except I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I agree with everybody else, they are protecting the little jerk, and it's not doing him any favors either. He should be held responsible for his behaviors like the rest of us, otherwise I see trouble in his future, after graduation.

(And hitting a girl! What a wuss.)

Grrrrrr.

I'm going to be honest, it sounds like there are a few things missing from your story. The school's representatives don't seem to have a problem speaking with your husband throughout this whole thing...

from now on I would only be allowed into the building after checking in at the office and with an escort of a responsible adult at all times.

I've never heard of such a thing. It actually makes me question your narrative more. Now are you supposed to provide an escort, or are they saying they want you to be escorted by a staff member? Either way, it makes me wonder if perhaps you weren't a little more dramatic than you're letting on. I honestly can't blame a school these days for wanting all visitors to check in, and visitors who are in conflict to be escorted. Seems insulting, but schools are now worried about so many different eventualities and open to SO many new lawsuits. Society has gone crazy. I wouldn't take it personal. That's not true, I would, but I would "get it".

I believe this kid was being crappy to your daughter. I'm sorry for that. It seems ridiculous to act like that in high school. Always weirds me out to hear these stories, in my high school you would have gotten your ass beat if you were throwing things at girls, or mocking handicapped people, or bullying someone for no reason. All of that seems to happen now. I'm in my 30's and I went to an affluent high school.

If you are being completely honest and forthcoming, I would suggest getting a lawyer. Then going to the media under a lawyer's discretion.

Make a change. This sucks because everyone is going to know it's your daughter. Get her in a different district, it's still not going to protect her. You need to correct the BS.

I wish you all could move and start fresh and somehow take all her friends with her.

The graduation is ultimately not a big deal in the grand scheme of life. The treatment of you & yours, though, IS.

Take it to local news media, they may be all over that as investigative journalism like flies on horses#. Expose the slants behind the scenes, and other kids might not have to be left standing alone after jock harassment like this again.

When I was a teenager I changed high schools three times because the staff at each was useless in doing anything to curb violence, I ended up taking self-reliant education courses in order to minimize my interaction with other students.

That was over a decade ago in relatively safe and affluent town, I can't imagine how terrible it is now.

I'm glad that your daughter is done with that chapter of her life.

a reply to: redhorse

Likely no one will remember (or care LOL) but I had posted some around during my daughter's last year of school. She had just turned 18 and become very ill and missed an awful lot of time and we wound up having to get special permission for her to re-enroll (basically) and finish they year and graduate with her friends. She worked very hard. I can't imagine anything that would have kept me from seeing that moment for her. I was so proud of her as a person and what she had overcome to get there. The joy on her face and that of her friends, where they had been over the years and where they were headed. After, as groups were snapping pictures and hugging good byes and off to parties and dinners and such, she came and found me. "Thanks Mom, for everything" and off she went.
I would never have wanted to miss that and I hope that you don't either.
Would it be the end of the world to miss it? No but I wonder if you wouldn't regret it and if it wouldn't make her sad for you to not be there.

Hire a lawyer ...see how fast the attitude from principle changes ..

originally posted by: Domo1
I'm going to be honest, it sounds like there are a few things missing from your story. The school's representatives don't seem to have a problem speaking with your husband throughout this whole thing...

from now on I would only be allowed into the building after checking in at the office and with an escort of a responsible adult at all times.

I've never heard of such a thing. It actually makes me question your narrative more. Now are you supposed to provide an escort, or are they saying they want you to be escorted by a staff member? Either way, it makes me wonder if perhaps you weren't a little more dramatic than you're letting on. I honestly can't blame a school these days for wanting all visitors to check in, and visitors who are in conflict to be escorted. Seems insulting, but schools are now worried about so many different eventualities and open to SO many new lawsuits. Society has gone crazy. I wouldn't take it personal. That's not true, I would, but I would "get it".

I believe this kid was being crappy to your daughter. I'm sorry for that. It seems ridiculous to act like that in high school. Always weirds me out to hear these stories, in my high school you would have gotten your ass beat if you were throwing things at girls, or mocking handicapped people, or bullying someone for no reason. All of that seems to happen now. I'm in my 30's and I went to an affluent high school.

If you are being completely honest and forthcoming, I would suggest getting a lawyer. Then going to the media under a lawyer's discretion.

Make a change. This sucks because everyone is going to know it's your daughter. Get her in a different district, it's still not going to protect her. You need to correct the BS.

I wish you all could move and start fresh and somehow take all her friends with her.

The ONLY one who had a problem with me was the Principal. Not the cop and not the superintendent. I think that says that maybe I wasn't the problem. The guidance counselor simply did not intervene and did not record the issues between the kids when I asked, which was negligent but there was never an argument between us. No one was screaming but him.

There were things that I left out. Like how at one point in that first conversation the Principal was on his feet screaming at me and pointing his finger at me. I never got out of my chair. I am also 5'2" and 110 pounds and this man is over six foot and a body builder. My daughter was also present in that room as well.

I left out how he was on his feet screaming and gesturing while he was on the phone with me during the second conversation as well. I left out his exact wording on the situation on reentering the school. He flat lied. He said that I entered the school and made a beeline for the boy, which is not true. I entered the school and went to the OPPOSITE end and followed a teacher back to the part of the school where Gus was. I was not allowed to say that. Any resistance, even resistance as mild as "No Mr. _______________, we went Mr. _____________'s room and followed him back to the teachers lounge." Was met with screaming I did not tell you that his words weren't "We feared you were going to assault gus". His words were "You were going to assault Gus". Not confront. Not anything else. ASSAULT.

I left out that he accused me of intending to assault a child and at that point still intended to LET ME IN THE BUILDING. It was only when I challenged him by refusing to accept such an accusation and called him on his bullying behavior that he decided that with my temperament that I was no longer allowed in the building. (Something he denied saying later). I said those things loud, but only because he was screaming and talking over the top of me and would not let me speak The only issue he has with me is that I don't back down and I don't scare if you're in my face and it just infuriated him.

Believe what you want. Any resistance from me, even calm resistance resulted in at best demeaning behavior from him and at worst, rage.

And yes, he spoke to my husband last he absolutely insisted that if I am "upset" (yes that is the word that he used) that I be "escorted" (again the word that he used) by a responsible adult. I don't care if you haven't heard of that before. Neither had I. It is demeaning and outrageous. But so is calling me a liar.

Took me an additional 20 minutes after I read the "boys will be boys" statement being used to justify aggressive intimidating behavior, before I could finish the rest of the post. I had to read it to my sons father and I wish I could describe the face he made. He pretty much said the same thing I said which I won't go in to detail about, but as a parent I'm sure you can imagine.

We hate when that saying is used like that especially as we have a son and expect him to exhibit pleasant and generous behaviors as he grows. We would be absolutely mortified if we ever hear from school or another parent that he's done something harmful or disrespectful to another student with the intent to consistently disrupt their education or hurt their feelings.

We prefer the saying "kids will be kids" like, sometimes they forget to do their homework. Sometimes they stay up too late. Sometimes they are curious about parties, or in our preschoolers case, everything.

That's just me. Maybe kids being kids or boys being boys really is being overly aggressive at times etc... but I wasn't raised like that, my little sisters and brother never behaved like that and they still did sports/ band/ choir etc.. had friends and had fun in highschool/college without bullying others. At least to my knowledge.

I'm a firm believer that continued and repeated poor behavior is not just boys or girls being boys or girls. It's learned behavior, it's taught to them by someone they've interacted with in life whether that was out of their parents control or not, and it's been allowed to manifest. Not to say it's always the parents fault but until that child is no longer their responsibility I'd expect them to work with you or anyone their child is affecting negatively once it's brought to their attention, just as I would offer to do if my son was disrupting someone. At the very least I'd try.

ANYWAYS this has been another one of my posts that flowed and rambled like boulders falling on a busy highway... thanks for sticking with me til the end if you're reading this.

-Alee

a reply to: redhorse

My daughter went through something similar.

I gave her a bike lock and told her to swing until the bad people go away.

Then we went to the principle. The teachers and principle were protecting a bully. A teachers friends kid.

We threatened to go to the school board AFTER going to the local news station and telling them how in the current climate of bullying that our school did X to protect a bully.

We demanded they file our complaint and attach it to the bullies permanent record.

We also told them that we were allowing our child to defend herself and she is very strong. We recommend that they do their job for the safety of the children.

They tried to scare us. We mentioned their bosses. Works every time.

School boards would fire an entire schools staff or close a school before allowing bad press or negative conditions to come to light and possibly affect their budgets. A lawsuit would qualify as such.

On the state level, everyone you will meet locally is a subordinate. Go to the top.

a reply to: redhorse

The cops said nothing can be done because of jurisdictional issues on school grounds.

There are no "jurisdiction" issues unless the school is outside the legal jurisdiction/mutual aid compacts of the investigating agency. Unless your state/community has some odd-ball laws I am unaware of.
---

To me, however, this is one more example of the failing public school systems. I'd pull her out, put her in private/home school and let the public schools remain filled with wastes of space like those bullies. Let them grow up to be chief fry cook at McDonalds, while your daughter blossoms into a well/properly educated young woman. Based on her reactions to these moronic mouth breathers, sounds like she already has a great start....

See? Some people are genuinely "better" than others...

a reply to: tadaman

I can neither confirm nor deny that I may have at one time provided my youngest with a Taser brand EMD tool when she was targeted by some older boys (several years back).

Hypothetically told her if they ever made her feel as though her safety was in danger to use the Taser first and ask questions second. That I'd support her to the end of the Earth, and that even if she faced suspension/misdemeanor charges then so be it. Her safety is and was and will always be more important than a bunch of yuppies who overreact to defensive weapons but ignore the serious problem of bullying. We likely ended up settling on OC spray foam on a permanent basis, since it didn't look similar to a firearm.

Of course the front/back panels of one of my old IIIA bullet resistant Galls vests went into my girls' back packs as well.