Some relationship advice for young folks- The truth hurts

a reply to: JAGStorm

Something to add which may tell more about me than it helps anyone else. It is a quote from The Crow.

Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial.

Want to keep a relationship alive, whatever gender you are? Remember... nothing is trivial about your significant other's feelings.

don't expect to change a person, people only change if they want to. if you're making a commitment based on thinking you're going to get them to change something about themselves, prepare to be disappointed.

and like dan savage says, no one is 'the one' -- everyone has to be rounded up to one. find someone whose imperfections you can live with, and who can live with yours. giving each other the breathing room to be messy, imperfect humans is a beautiful thing. if you feel like you have to put on an act or you can't fully relax around someone, that's not a good relationship.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Thanks for your reply. I believe beyond the surface of it can be defined differently to different people. IMO a lot of modern fashion has exhausted itself on overdoing the same styles, or what is defined as feminine style. They are borrowing a lot from the non mainstream aspect of it. More variation in style options, easier to find styles, I find that pretty positive.

To be fair anyone saying taking a dump, is gross and crass, if they only knew.

a reply to: fiverx313

You should never change a person. One would hope that you can allow that person to grow.

All I was trying to say is that you should at least pay attention to your mate's wants and needs.

They should do the same for you.

Relationships didn't used to be so hard... our current culture makes it almost impossible.

originally posted by: Lumenari
You should never change a person. One would hope that you can allow that person to grow.

All I was trying to say is that you should at least pay attention to your mate's wants and needs.

They should do the same for you.

Relationships didn't used to be so hard... our current culture makes it almost impossible.

my post wasn't meant as a reply to your post.

i agree with your post. you have to consider the other person's feelings valid and not trivialize them.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Here are my guidelines, which can be applied equally for women and men:

1. Don't be afraid to have preferences - Nowadays, people like to add the ending "-phobe" to everything. Chances are, if the person you declined ever resorts to name calling like this, they aren't worth your time.

2. Before you commit to being with them long term, take things in stages. The most I will say about my last ex is that she hid a disorder quite well, until one day it exploded on me and took me unaware (I'm still feeling aftershocks from that time).

3. Get used to being rejected - As an introverted person, I think most of us can say we don't like to be turned down. But, the more it happens, the easier it becomes to get a little bolder each time.

4. Respect one another: I expect the same amount of respect back that I give a person. So don't ghost them if you don't like them; tell them why you don't think it would work; don't joke about their body, and don't abruptly end a date (unless there is threat of violence, they are truly a jerk, or just plain evil).

To the younger crowd (not that I'm old in my 20's) - the one thing that I wish I was taught back then is most of the relationships are full of "drama": Looking back, I remember how most relationships I was around were about "getting with" a person, even if they had nothing in common. Now, I care more about having a person that likes what I do, and can be myself around.

Also: Not every person you meet will be your soulmate.

As an oldie, I agree with the spirit of your well intended op.

However, after being married for almost 20 years, getting divorced, raising a family and having had different relationships, I have learned just 2 things:
1. The heart wants what the heart wants, and;
2. Life's a crap shoot.

You may date for years and think you really know a person, then, blam, they're crazy. People DO and CAN change. That's life.

Of all the marriages I have known, most have been through many hardships and either end in divorce (that's at least half) or are extremely forgiving and come out on the other end as each other's best friend.

But, op, you are so right. Be true to yourself and guard your heart; but not too closely. And stay away from the pretty boys.

And for gosh sakes, stay OFF the internet-95% liars.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Well how about that. That was very honest and I think everyone can appreciate your sentiments and advice.

Men? We need to have genuine integrity...that involves respect. Respect your lady, to the absolute highest degree of your being. That respect should carry with it many behaviors and disciplines.

Dont cheat on her. Dont even come close.

Support her in all the ways you can. Financial, emotional, however much you can muster, always do your best.

Love her with your whole being. She is, may one day be, the mother of your children. Love her and your children, love them beyond words can explain. Show that you care and that you want to support and guide them in their own pursuits of happiness.

Be grateful. Grateful she is with you. Grateful she knows you, loves you, and deals with your down time and mistakes, because she knows the true you, and knows you love her with all of your heart.


I gave up a while ago. I have accepted, as youngish as i am, I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, without progeny, or one to hold.

My experiences within my own life as well as my past relationships have more or less marked me as an unwanted/unloveable in the eyes of women. Ironically, ive never cheated, any physicality was solely intimate affection; i was largely a decent boyfriend and I can say that with a good amount of confidence.

On the other hand, every girlfriend ive dated cheated on me, they all now hate me to the point theyve told me to burn in Hell for some reason; My first two actually came close to utterly destroying my psyche and life.

One relationship taught me how funny it is that many men are seen as "fixable" and as such, a point of attraction to many women. Even multiple felony convicts and other men with very "decorated" pasts.

Then theres my case. Im more or less considered unredeemable by I think almost every woman. Id love to know why, and if the reasons are valid. If not, I will likely hold a deep, deep seated bitterness about it.

Its all fine with me, but I want to see my brothers and their special woman be happy and with impervious love. The men i have been around and befriended in my life have ultimately been the ones that have brought me back from the Styx...

Reluctantly, but honestly, somewhere close to 90%+ of the women around my age that Ive been involved with, ranging from intimate relationships to simple acquaintances have done the polar opposite, im afraid.

Thats not an exaggeration, and its incredibly disheartening to see how many men trash talk and treat women, yet theyre often forgiven and even desired.

Almost every day I have to remind myself to not be jaded because of this, but even if I was, could you really blame me for feeling that way?

I say communication is key, like many other people I have heard saying [none here, as far as i can tell]. Be honest too - lies can only go for so long. This goes hand in hand with having time alone together as well - especially if you have demanding jobs.

Don't forget to remind your partner just how much they mean to you. Do it through words and actions! Especially since actions can speak 1000 words. [ladies and gents: DO pay attention to actions and gestures! they are more important than words it's pointless to deal with a person who only says "i love you" but never does anything to show it. and without a reason - so outside of special occasions]

Live together for some time, adopt a pet or two, and if you still get along, if you still like the person next to you, you could consider marriage or children.

Stay classy: don't use crass words, don't speak too loud, and especially wear clothes that fit [i don't mean expensive clothes, but clothes that cover what they're meant to cover.] don't forget to wash them sometimes.

Look. I'm sorry. But after a lot of experience with a wide range of women... It's the #$*&@ stupid women causing ALL the problems in society! At least, the only one that matters. Sex.

No I'm not just only being a "typical male". If it weren't for all the sex throughout the years (not protected sex, just REAL sex) none of is would be here. Therefore since the survival of our species depends on it, it's extremely important.



Anyway...



It's not that "women always go for the jerk". That's only a symptom of a larger issue.

What's going on here is... i bet some of you have it on the tip of your tongue or the spark of your mind...

Yeah. That's right...

The real truth is that women are not being honest about what they want in a mate. They are not being honest with us, they are not being honest with themselves for probably half their lives...

It's not All their fault though. They were lied to since childhood. We All were LOL.

They were given "Prince Charming", as an example of what they are Supposed to want. Because that's what every PARENT wants for their precious daughter. Including me if I had kids. But that's not what a woman's body craves when she comes to sexual maturity.

Women Say they want a "nice" guy & to be respected at All times. They aren't allowed to say what they Really want (if they even figured it out for themselves yet) because that would be improper, and even worse, DEGRADING... (anything other than the man begging & paying his proper Tribute amount, and then you giving him a scrap of meat out of pity, is "DEGRADING", so we are taught)

Women want to be respected. Of course they do. We all do. But, "at ALL times"?

(i had to take a moment to laugh)

They always run off with the "guy with the dirtbike and a loud mouth". Now why is that??

They don't like being constantly mistreated either, because they eventually leave these losers too, or they get that worn out hopeless look in their eyes.

But they DO want to feel wanted. And they DO want to have FUN. Think of a roller coaster ride as an analogy for "great sex". Part of the thrill is you feel like "holy sh# I almost could have died back there!" Apparently they like that thrill in the bedroom too, sometimes... I can't even throw a stick (online) without hitting a few women who have a fantasy of being raped and choked (consentually of course, in a role playing scenario). Of course, I date waaay younger than my age group since girls my age don't go for me much because I look young and I'm not always responsible with money, and it really depends on if I happen to have a car at the moment but my point is, it could be a fad or a younger people "edgy" type of thing. But it IS surprising to me the number of women who say this. I'm not really too big into the whole choking thing, but every male has fantasized about raping, even if on

old school chivalry. A man of action who isnt afraid of anything, goes straight after what he desires with no shame, but he makes the woman he desires feel like she is the only woman in the world. He has manners. But he also makes a woman swoon with his sheer Desire of her.

Listen. Deep down, women want to be "won like a trophy", "contested or fought over" or at least they want to know you are Willing to fight to keep or attain her love.

They want to be manhandled sometimes. I can't count how many times, during private conversations, that I've heard a female say things like "sometimes i wish a guy (i assume they mean a guy who they know, but, it usually is not specified... just "a guy". But of course they at least mean "a guy who i happen to find attractive") would just walk up and grab me and kiss me."

Now, I wouldn't recommend that for just anyone, it's a very risky, advanced move, for the highly experienced or highly desperate. HOWEVER, it just shows you a glimpse "what women are Really into". Every** girl wants to be ravished by a real man, Who They Are Attracted To. Which is good, really good, because that's what we want, too. You can make yourself more attractive though, so don't worry too much about the last part for now. The important part is, You've Been Lied To.

If you can be the perfect mix of a man who makes her feel special at all times, respected in public, and Desired in privacy (private moments can be had in public areas don't draw such a rigid line between the two, sometimes she might Want a stranger or a friend to happen to see how badly you want her), and you do everything it takes to take care of her, then she will not leave you, unless she is simply too foolish, too immature, or just too inexperienced to know what she wants.

Sometimes you might be the perfect couple, but, she doesn't know it because she hasn't experienced what else is out there.

Then again, some girls Want to stay with the first guy they fall in love with or sleep with.

**The beauty of women is their complexity and variety. There will be at Least a few who will disagree with everything I say, and some of them will even be telling the truth! And of course, we have all been through different challenges in life which have helped shape our feelings about relationships. Obviously a woman whos been through some abuse PROBABLY does not want a man randomly grabbing and kissing her. (But don't assume Anything with women, we can only make educated guesses) And that doesnt mean shes been abused either just because she doesnt want it or has never even fantasized about it. That's why us men love solving puzzles. A woman is a type of 18trillion-Dimensional Puzzle.

This is just very General advice that Could possibly clear up a little confusion. We've been hearing "Nice guys finish last" ever since the Greenday Dookie CD, BUT WHY?? Why does the nice guy have to go through several years of agonizing loneliness? Because hes been lied to.

It's not ONLY about Physical assertiveness...women have many facets to them. Many angles upon which to approach, interact with, and stimulate. Audio/visual cues such as speech, dress, attitude, matter just as much as her physical sensations.

You gotta show her you want her by the way you talk to her, the way you behave, like opening doors, etc, the way you look at her (dont overdo it you sick creep! Just look or hold eye contact 1-2 secs longer than usual, then spend another couple of Quick seconds checking out her body, thats IT), and theres love letters, music, gifts, dates, cute surprises and many other ways to express your desire other than JUST physically being assertive. You also gotta know how to be Gentle... its just the other side of the spectrum is what is lacking most i think...this is for guys not getting any. Not guys who are already Too physically assertive.

But anyway, all the other stuff is important as it builds up to and supports the physical interaction, when and if it happens.

In your quest to be more manly, don't be afriad to like "girly" things. Part of it is being comfortable in your own skin, and besides, You LIKE girls...right? Ok, so then you like things that attract them, right? So then you like what they like. You arent afraid of what anyone will think if you listen to Whitney Houston, Taylor Dane, Avril Levine, Kelly Clarkson, Usher etc etc. Screw them! This is between You, and all the beautiful women(all women are beautiful!) you want to spend time with!

a reply to: JAGStorm

Thank you for your advice. That sounds so true

On account of the fact that girls should love themselves. I agree with this point, but there are also exceptions. I know one girl who had problems with self-esteem and she absolutely disliked herself, but a boyfriend loved her. He put a lot of strength and love into her, and only after that she could love herself. Her boyfriend's love gave her strength and confidence, and she became beautiful and confident.

Ahem.

You forgot to mention "Don't sweat the small stuff."

If you have a penchant for taking everything too seriously & obsessing over minor crap, the object of your affection is going to bolt. Nobody wants a high-strung, neurotic mess on their hands.

JMO after 12+ years of marriage. Neither of us takes life & it's crap too seriously. It makes for smoother sailing all around.

a reply to: 3n19m470


Not much I can delve into deeper with here, you did a good job of nailing all the bullet points. Relationships ARE a game to be won by women, be it by being competitive with other women for securing the guy in the first place or being the dominant half of the end result relationship. It's a damn game for most. Some of us could give a flying s# less about it and get no rise off the chase & ensuing chess playing, but MANY do.

They'll argue til they're blue in the face that it's not true or not what women are really angling for, but they're lying through their teeth. It's a thrill for them.