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My mother, the vegetable ... or the day she became endlessly happy

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posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 03:42 AM
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Warning: Events mentioned and people mentioned, are real. Names if mentioned are not altered.

Many years ago, I left my parents home. Like all children, I had to go my own way and live my own life. I flew far away from the home nest, so far it took hours with a flight, almost 24 hours in a car. Needlessly to stay, my mother was left behind ... alone. My parents had been divorces for many years, and she had also divorced her second husband.

I usually check on my mother every now and then. And once, she had fallen in her apartment and broken her hip. After that, she had a hard time to leave the apartment and called upon her daughter who was living just 5 minutes away. To do her groceries. However, her daughter has her own life to take care off and wasn't too happy about it, but made a deal with our mother. She'd do her groceries, but my mother was living on the 3rd floor(or 2nd, depending on how you count) and that was a bit too far for my sister. After all, she had her own life to take care off. So, their deal was that she'd buy her groceries but my mother would throw out a rope down her window, and my sister would tie the grocery plastic bag on the rope, and then our mother would reel it up.

Pretty neat arrangement.

Of course, until I and others in the family came to understand it. Then we let our sister hear our opinions on it, which our sister wasn't too happy. After all, all the burden of her mother was on her shoulders.

You see, our mother has always had some memory lapses. Since she was a kid. The family doctor used to laugh and say that it wasn't a problem, he himself forgot sometimes where he put his keys, etc. For me and my older brother, it was sometimes confusing as she mixed our names. But, our sister immediately identified that our mother had Dementia. Her brain functions weren't normal, so she contacted the health care system in Halmstad, Sweden to push forward a Dementia issue.

At this time, our mother was obviously getting old and her daughter was having a huge issue with handling her, with buying her groceries. Not only did she need to buy her groceries, but her mother was calling her on the phone to have her come and do stuff for her, several times a week. Not only that, but our mother didn't listen to her daughter. Our mother was giving bread to the birds outside ... she was a "bird" lady ... and she was annoyed with the tenant down stairs, who was always causing noises. Obviously, our mother was a nuisance. So, whatever happened afterward, I can only guess ... but my guess is, that our mother was given some pills to handle her attitude and my sister gave it to her, as "vitamins". Unfortunately my sister didn't check these pills, so our mother had a stroke. My sister is of course busy, so she couldn't have noticed ... after all they weren't living together. And when she came to her house, she was lying on the floor, having been there for days ... in her urine and excrements. Well, obviously, giving my mothers history with memory lapses. She had developed Alzheimers at some stage, even if she could administer herself at this time. It was only a matter of time, before she wouldn't. But, everybody missed her "stroke" ... after all, when I and others came to the scene she had recovered mentally from the stroke and was fully logical. The Doctor who came to see her, even thought she was just suicidal and needed to put into the psycho ward. The doctor, being a friend of my sisters husband, was probably acting on information my sister had given him. Unaware of this, I stopped it ... probably shouldn't have, after all ... my sister, like all women ... is always right on these issues.

After this, our mother isn't capable of walking very well. But she is getting help at her home, from home assistant workers ... but she's annoyed with them, because they can't actually help her with anything she needs help with. They can't do the dishes, aren't allowed to make a sandwich ... but our sister managed to have them do that, and they can't lift up our mother, dust the apartment, help her with washing or anything else. Our mother, being as unreasonable as all old ladies just thought they were an annoyance and told them to leave. Blocked the door, when she found them too annoying.

I mean, such aggression against home helpers, can't be tolerated really. Angry statements, and telling the to "get out". After all, she's an old demented woman who needs total care. That was quite obvious, so her "agression" needed to be taken care off. Pills were administered, but not "legally", so they were smuggled in her food and drink. However these administrations weren't "properly" supervised, so there were relapses and times where our mother would "regain" her in-sanity, and she became increasingly alone. So, the next step was to treat her as our sister treats her kids, if they can't listen and obey they are left alone crying, until they are willing to obey. However, our mother just gave up and ended up on the floor once again ... and our sister drove her to the hospital with bruises all over her body, and face.

I, of course, being an unreasonable man ... made demands. While our sister, denied that her mother would ever return to her home. She wasn't capable in taking care of herself, and after several weeks in a short term care center. She again, acted angry against the personell and had to be dragged out, crying and kicking, by police into the mental institute. Even if that wasn't the proper place for an 83 year old woman with Alzheimers, it was at least the best waypoint to the dementia center at the old peoples home. The mental institute gave her some pills, and then sent her off to the old home care center ... where she now, can't talk or make any coherent sentences. But at least she is happy, as she can't complain about anything except for the short periods of time, where she doesn't take her medication. My sister visits her regularly, to make sure her mother understands that these are "vitamins" and she needs to take them.

When the summer comes, my sister plans to take her mother out in a wheel chair ... and let everyone see, how good a daughter she is, driving her demented mother in a wheel chair. She can now do, exactly what her huspand did to his dad and everybody was talking about how good a son he was. The good daughter, can now show off her mother who is happy in the last few months of her life.




posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 04:03 AM
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After reading your post three times, I´m certainly sure you make no secret what you think about your sister.

Went through similar situation, so I know the emotional side and have seen many similarities in your post. All I want to say is, if there are any moments of clearness left in your mother, enjoy them and try to keep them in memory.

It´s the disease that brings up the "uggly" sides of your mother, never forget that.

Don´t let the grudge you hold over your sister (If I´m right with my assumption) destroy the last chances you have, because you run out of time with your mother, I´ll say it very bluntly.

That being said, I wish you and your family all the best, dementia/alzheimers especially the violent types are taking a toll. Since you and I have it in the genes probably (or might be a rather normal thing being that old) do what you can to stay fit, mentaly as long as possible.



Edit: By the way: I would not use the term you used (you might want to edit, so I wont write it) in your title. It reads respectless, even though you might be okay being called that way, your mother might think otherwise.
edit on 21-2-2018 by verschickter because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 04:05 AM
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There is no comment I can make without sounding too harsh.
We're all going to die.
An easy passing is the best we can hope for.
Peace be upon you and yours.



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 04:08 AM
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I know that when people get Alz or Dementia it impacts how they were when they were younger. I've heard from Doctors that people who get this, were happy and calm in their youth, non confrontational. But when they age and get these symptoms of alzteimers or dementia, they become violent and angry. The opposite is said for those who were violent or difficult in their youth. Those people tend to be more placid.
edit on 21-2-2018 by brokenghost because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 04:21 AM
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a reply to: bjarneorn


Sad....

But you have just described what in probability happens to most and many

families.....

There is no only one answer as the dynamics in every family are so different,

so there is no one size fits all.


Take consolation in the fact that your mother is seemingly happy and no longer

got any cares.
edit on 21-2-2018 by eletheia because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 04:24 AM
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I've watched and tended to an old man, who fought in Iwo Jima.
He lost his mind and started thinking everyone was a "Jap spy."
It was sad to watch,
He passed shortly thereafter.



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 05:52 AM
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I honestly hope if/when I encounter this degree of mental degradation, that I'm either allowed euthanasia at my leisure, or the Old Yeller fix. Trying to justify making my kids take care of me when I'm effectively checked out & no longer home seems inhumane at best, rather than them not wanting to do so being inhumane. Why people are SO afraid of death is beyond me, the mental threads coming unraveled in old age is about the biggest, FATTEST hint we get that our time's nearly up & to deal with that.



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 06:47 AM
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a reply to: bjarneorn
I can't tell from your post, but have you tried having your mother placed in your care?

I have worked with families with this situation and rarely is there a solution that pleases all involved. Sometimes the sharing of the care giving responsibilities at least makes it easier for the family members to work together.



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 06:58 AM
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a reply to: bjarneorn


Sad, wow. How come your caregivers are not allowed to at least do light household duties? Here in the U.S. that is what they do. We also have meals on wheels, trump wants to cut that though, so we will see. Also Our caregivers can make simple meals for the ones they are caring for, also laundry.




posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 07:38 AM
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a reply to: bjarneorn

There are no pills that cause a stroke.

I'm sorry for your mom.
We lost my father in law to Alzheimer's.
Horrible disease that steals away the ones we love right before our eyes.
edit on 2212018 by Sillyolme because: (no reason given)

edit on 2212018 by Sillyolme because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 10:01 AM
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originally posted by: Sillyolme
a reply to: bjarneorn

There are no pills that cause a stroke.

I'm sorry for your mom.
We lost my father in law to Alzheimer's.
Horrible disease that steals away the ones we love right before our eyes.


There are. Blood thinners like Xaralto. Known to cause brain bleeds, blood blisters and other side effects. I was prescribed them when the docs suspected I had a DVT due to swollen foot/blister/foreign proteins in my bloodstream.



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 12:06 PM
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Thinking of you and your mother and sister. I know this must suck. I know you must feel like your sister is being selfish. I know it's going to be complicated for all of you. It's not my place to assume but I'm willing to bet your mother would live her days out even happier knowing that you two would still love and respect one another once she's stepped out. Keep your heart warm and your chin up when possible.

-Alee



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 04:53 PM
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originally posted by: Sillyolme
a reply to: bjarneorn

There are no pills that cause a stroke.



I'm not blaming my sister, although I am pretty upset with her. Primarily because of her lack of intellect and that she never looked things up properly. Some drugs are black listed, because they cause complications. I know this, because I had an accident that caused severe memory loss at age 17.

At some point, Alzheimers will cause us all to lose our minds ... I'll probably be much more difficult than my mother. And maybe because I know that, I have always been pretty understanding of her case. Always defended her, and allowed her to be who she is ... I can only say, that I am heart broken ... but I know, that she is at least ok ... she isn't in pain, and feels ok. But I remember, and always keep in mind a statement I heard from a Jewish woman, and it is a statement I revere ... we are the sum of our experiences. And I don't want to be anything else ... it's my right, to be angry ... to be frustrated.

And yes, I am frustrated with my sister ... and we'll probably not talk for a while. But I do understand her, and will forgive her ... although I personally think, we should have allowed our mother to live her life, the way she wanted ... and aided her in doing so, until ... well, that time arrived too soon ........ does for all of us ....

God bless you all ... thank you for your support.
edit on 21/2/2018 by bjarneorn because: (no reason given)

edit on 21/2/2018 by bjarneorn because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 04:58 PM
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a reply to: bjarneorn

Families...you can't divorce relatives so you're better off just loving them in all their human failings.

Peace.



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 05:10 PM
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originally posted by: Sillyolme
a reply to: bjarneorn

Families...you can't divorce relatives so you're better off just loving them in all their human failings.

Peace.


You are right on this issue ... and yes, I love my sister. I tought her to go skiing, she is 13 years younger than I ... and I love her very much. Just wish she had more patience with her mother, and understanding. I know it's an unreasonable demand from my side, something I understand because I have an experience on that issue, where she doesn't.

God bless you all.



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 07:01 PM
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The Seagulls

When a parent gets old, has medical issues and needs help, there is typically one family member who assumes the role of 'caregiver'. This is the person who is available, sees after groceries and errands, doctor's appointments, picking up medications, and all the things the parent needs to maintain functioning, and stay in their own home.

Other family members may move away, work jobs that don't provide time to check on the parent, or are sick themselves somehow, and can't help the parent, so all the work and worrying falls on the sole 'caregiver". These are the Seagull Family.

Once in a while the Seagull family flies in from out of town. They jump up and down, squawk loudly with complaints about how the caregiver is doing (or not doing) things.

Then they poop on the caregiver, and fly away again.

Sincerely,
A caregiver who has been pooped on by the fabulous Seagulls.



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 07:14 PM
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originally posted by: bjarneorn

originally posted by: Sillyolme
a reply to: bjarneorn

Families...you can't divorce relatives so you're better off just loving them in all their human failings.

Peace.


You are right on this issue ... and yes, I love my sister. I tought her to go skiing, she is 13 years younger than I ... and I love her very much. Just wish she had more patience with her mother, and understanding. I know it's an unreasonable demand from my side, something I understand because I have an experience on that issue, where she doesn't.

God bless you all.




I usually check on my mother every now and then.


Right.

Why didn't you take your mother to your house? You seem to have 'experience", patience, can carry groceries, know to check medications, so she wouldn't have a stroke. You are the man with the plan and the know-how.

Again, why didn't you take her to your home? Or go live with her? Or pay for someone to take care of her?
Why?

I'm sorry this happened and I am not unsympathetic. But if things weren't the way you wanted them to be, you could have intervened with help rather than just blaming her one and apparently only care provider. I wish your sister could come on here and tell us her side of the story. I probably could tell it for her, actually. I imagine many of us could.


I'm not blaming my sister,


Of course you are.

But if your mother's still alive, it's not too late. Don't think about what your sister, or your 'mother's daughter', as you say, does and doesn't do for your mother. Focus on what YOU can do.
edit on 2/21/2018 by ladyinwaiting because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 21 2018 @ 09:28 PM
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a reply to: skunkape23

my Pops is 89, he forgets things one moment and remembers them the next. If you are looking at him in the face he can't remember things but if you talk to him on the phone he remembers all.

I had to go and flush his urine Catheter for him because his prostrate got so enlarged it blocked his bladder, such is life at 89. He has outlived all his other family members in years, that is no one in his family ever lived this long. Now my mom and pops need me more now than when I was younger. Mom is still ok but even her health is not perfect. Looks as if we will be needed by them in these last years but that is ok, it hurts to see them like this and I am glad all the living trusts are in place because when he and mom go there will be relatives popping out of the woodwork claiming to be deserving of something. Even if they weren't there.

do you best and leave the rest in God's capable hands.


edit on 21-2-2018 by ChesterJohn because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 22 2018 @ 08:29 AM
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a reply to: ChesterJohn
One of the most common and problematic obstacles to early treatment and intervention, is "denial". I see this in the conversations and the eyes of my family and siblings on a daily basis.

I am blessed with a large family. I have five brothers and four sisters. I would not hesitate to say that we all love each other dearly, and we all love our mother immensely. I am also blessed that my mother, at 83 is quite independent. We don't allow her to drive outside of the private dirt roads in our community, because she has a heart condition and her vision is not the best, other than that she does fairly well.

My mother's hearing is bad. She swears there is nothing wrong with her hearing, that people just don't speak loud enough. My mother's strength and endurance has waned to half what it used to be. Her gait is slower and a bit unsteady. Of course she has an excuse for it all, and though my siblings are seeing the same woman I am seeing, they are blind to her deterioration. They continue to see her the way they have always known her to be.

I text my siblings all updates on our mother. They are informed of all MD appts. I text when we go in the office, when we come out. If any test are done, I send copies of all her reports and test results. I even send copies of all Dx studies, including pictures. Some of my siblings say I give too much information. I say, "If I know it, you are going to know it."

I worked a long time as a Medical Case Manager. I saw so many families fractured at a time they needed each other most. I don't want that to happen to my family. When mother's health started to fail. We took time out of a holiday celebration to sit down and discuss a Living Will, so there would be no surprises and so everyone would have their say.

I was surprised that some of my siblings felt uncomfortable with talking about our mother's inevitable demise. We all gonna go sometime. Like it or not it had to be done. We just reviewed and updated it last year. It is not easy accepting the mortality of someone you love, especially a parent. As ChesterJohn posted, we can only do our best and leave the rest in God's capable hands.



posted on Feb, 22 2018 @ 04:32 PM
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originally posted by: ladyinwaiting
Why didn't you take your mother to your house? You seem to have 'experience", patience, can carry groceries, know to check medications, so she wouldn't have a stroke. You are the man with the plan and the know-how.


It's been a problem, to move our mother to anywhere ... like all old women, she likes it best the way it's always been. When it comes down to moving ... she wants to, but is afraid of changes.



Again, why didn't you take her to your home?


It ain't so easy anymore ... taking my mother out, while the social services have their nose in it. And moving her to my place, which would be deemed "dangerous", would cause problems.

And currently, she is in the care of "capable" people ... moving her, may not really be the best option at this point. But it is an option I am contemplating and planning ... but won't necessarily carry out.



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